Ichigo and the Beanstalk
by Nate Grey
Summary: Ichigo accidentally kills Zaraki. He thought people would mind, but instead they want him as 11th Division Captain. Saying no would be smart, but this is Ichigo. IchiOri, RukiNemu, RanHana, UnoKoma, HitsuKiyo, RenjiUruru. Cracktastic!
1. The Boy Who Cried Kido

Note: My first (and possibly last, depending on my inspiration and your response) Bleach fanfic. There are probably plenty of mistakes, especially in terminology (hell, I watch the anime with captions, which helps about as much as it hurts), but I'm still learning, so bear with me.

WARNING: There is character death... although since over half the cast of Bleach is technically dead already, why am I bothering to warn you?

Short Summary: Ichigo doesn't mean strawberry. It means Accidental Giant-Slayer. And unfortunately for him, Yachiru's Indian name is Vengeful Pixie Who Slays Accidental Giant-Slayers.

Longer Summary: Ichigo is happy being the 3rd Seat of the 11th Division. At least, until he accidentally kills Captain Zaraki in a spar and is forced to become captain himself. Meanwhile, Yachiru has undergone a frightening transformation, and it may no longer be a matter of calming her down, but putting her down for good. Can Ichigo find it in his heart to kill the one person he can't possibly perform his new duties without?

**Ichigo and the Beanstalk**

**A Bleach Fanfic by**

**Nate Grey (XMAN0123-at-aol-dot-com)**

**Chapter 1: The Boy Who Cried Kido**

* * *

There once was a boy, but his name wasn't Jack. It was Kurosaki Ichigo.

Nor were Ichigo and his mother poor. In fact, Ichigo's mother was dead, and on that point he would've envied Jack, for being poor was a small price to pay for being with a beloved mother in Ichigo's mind, but that is not important.

What is important was that Ichigo, like Jack, was on a mission when he came upon a giant. And like Jack, Ichigo's goal directly conflicted with the giant's for a time, and so they clashed. But where Jack just barely escaped with his life and a rather splendid goose, Ichigo just barely escaped with his life and a lesson he, at the time, simply refused to learn: don't fuck around with Zaraki Kenpachi.

But Ichigo, like Jack, had a bit of a thick head, and like the particular giant he met, actually enjoyed (or at least excelled at participating in) an extraordinary amount of violence in his life. So once Ichigo was done with his mission, he made the mistake of visiting Zaraki, feeling both obligated (the man had helped out some friends of his) and eager (he knew that Zaraki would want a rematch or two... thousand) to do so.

After they'd thoroughly thrashed each other again, and were bleeding all over the place, Zaraki (technically it was Yachiru, but Zaraki hadn't said a word against it, which was just as good... although maybe he had been busy choking on his own blood at the time) had invited him in for lemonade. And somewhere between the violence, and the lemonade, and more violence, and the trying-out of cool hairstyles, and even more violence (followed by even more lemonade), Ichigo kind of forgot to leave.

And that was how Kurosaki Ichigo, Substitute Shinigami, accidentally became 3rd Seat of the Gotei 13's 11th Division.

* * *

Unlike most of the new recruits of the 11th Division, who usually had to forcefully make a place for themselves, Ichigo's role was pretty well-defined from the moment Yachiru introduced him as "Ken-chan's favorite playmate, Ichi-kun." From that point on, people had literally fallen all over themselves to do things for him, or more often, to stay out of his way. They would whisper that he was THAT Kurosaki Ichigo, the one who had defeated not one but three of the best fighters to ever pass through the 11th Division... and lived to tell about it. Consequently, for the first week everyone assumed he was a murderous butcher, and practically squealed like frightened young girls if he so much as turned around too fast or arched an eyebrow.

Yachiru had completely ruined THAT image by forcing him to sit for an interview for the Shinigami Women's Association. Ichigo was still amazed, not that most of the female shinigami were fond of the dark and broody type (which he supposedly was), but that so many MALES apparently read the monthly newsletters. The day after the interview went public, people stopped being afraid of him... but they didn't stop respecting him, so that worked out fine.

Ichigo had never wanted special treatment, though. He remembered how miserable Rukia had sounded on the few occasions when she talked about her early days in the 13th Division. So he had been determined that he would earn any fame that came his way.

Things didn't QUITE work out that way.

Already, he'd been known as a complete hard-ass with Zaraki's battle power and short fuse to match, with perhaps the only difference being that he was often seen in the company of not just Yachiru, but Rukia and several other women. This was not quite by choice: NOBODY could avoid Yachiru for very long except Byakuya (and he wasn't giving out any hints as to how he managed it), and from the start Ichigo had thought of Rukia as a rather oddly-shaped boy that bunked in his closet (he'd made the mistake of saying so aloud only once, and still had a scar in the vicinity of his left nipple to prove it), so she didn't count in his mind.

The other girls he had no explanation for; they just seemed to gravitate to him. Matsumoto Rangiku was a flirt plain and simple, so nothing odd there. Rukia was the only one who ever used his given name; nearly everyone else had picked up on Yachiru's preferred "Ichi-kun," although Captain Unohana insisted on calling him "Kurosaki-kun" as if she were his teacher (which she practically was, as he ended up seeing her no less than five times a month as a result of "friendly spars"). Hinamori Momo reminded him a great deal of his sister Yuzu, so he didn't mind her so much, except when she burst into tears with no warning. He'd had no choice with Ise Nanao, as she was teaching him kido, reluctantly on both their parts. The younger, female Kurotsuchi he could never figure out, so he'd fallen into an odd habit of giving her all of the candy in his pockets whenever they saw each other (when a seated officer won a spar, Yachiru filled their pockets with candy overnight). Nemu probably didn't even eat candy, but she never refused it (or he never gave her a chance to) before he ran off, either.

Whatever the women wanted from him, apparently they were getting it, because they all kept coming back. Ichigo could hardly go one day without encountering three or four of them, no matter how much he sometimes tried to avoid them. This became increasingly difficult whenever Yachiru felt like "letting" him handle some of her duties, which usually meant he had to go to meetings in her place. The silly part was that no one ever asked where she'd gone, since they only needed to look in the general direction of Zaraki's shoulder.

Before long, Ichigo had become an unofficial acting lieutenant, and some people even started calling him that to his face, though he always insisted that he was just filling in while Yachiru was "otherwise occupied."

There was no danger of him replacing Yachiru: Zaraki wouldn't hear of it, and Ichigo didn't want it. Everyone assumed he was stronger than Yachiru, and right or wrong, Ichigo was content where he was. He much preferred only doing some of Yachiru's duties from time to time, and still having the freedom to be one the guys. True, he didn't get drunk nearly enough, and he didn't go out looking for fights (he never had to, since nearly every shinigami he'd ever defeated seemed to be in the mood for rematches at any given moment), but he was well-liked among the 11th Division all the same... which was to say he fought often and hard, and they liked that about him.

* * *

Ichigo woke up in his quarters one morning with a feeling that it would be a bad day. But never one to give up immediately, he ignored that and went through his morning routine: an hour of meditation with Zangetsu, followed by a quick shower, and then breakfast in the mess hall.

That was where things began to go wrong, as Ichigo happened to walk in just as Yachiru was finishing her sugar topped with a little oatmeal. It was a well-known fact that Yachiru consumed enough sugar at meals to power three sweatshops, and anyone with some sense constantly offered her sour food and plenty of water in hopes of counteracting the sugar overload, not that it ever seemed to work.

"Morning, Ichi-kun!" she sang, waving her spoon at him.

"Morning, Yachiru," he grunted, wondering if it would be completely undignified to run from a pink-haired girl nearly half his size.

"How much do you love me?" Yachiru demanded playfully.

"Not nearly enough for whatever you want me to do," Ichigo immediately replied.

She pouted cutely. "Aw, don't say that! You don't even know what it is yet!"

"It's work, because if it were fun, you'd be doing it yourself," he grumbled, sitting down across the table from her. "So what is it this time?"

She perked up, pleased that he hadn't tried to run off on her... yet. "There's a meeting this morning, and I was hoping you'd go in my place..."

He groaned. "You should really make an appearance yourself every now and then. They could get the wrong idea or something."

"Well, I wouuuuuld," Yachiru replied, stretching out the word cutely, "only Ran-chan asked me to skip the meeting so she could spend some time with you."

Ichigo scowled. He liked Matsumoto, really, but before he'd met her, he never thought he'd get... well... TIRED of breasts. But she was nearly all breasts, all the time. It had gone from distracting to annoying, and he could only put up with her in small doses now. She was like an anti-Orihime, except nearly twice as top-heavy, twice as intelligent, and twice as intent on following him everywhere. If he tried to count the number of times she'd "accidentally" brushed against him on one hand... he probably couldn't, because his hand would most likely be IN her cleavage at the time; it was that bad. It might be different if he knew for sure that she was interested in him, but she had admitted that she liked to tease him and enjoyed seeing him blush. He had no idea how poor Hitsugaya managed to put up with her all of the time, although that went a long way in explaining why he tended to be so short with people.

"So you're going, right?" Yachiru asked, leaning forward and widening her eyes adorably.

He glared at her, but grudgingly held out his hand for her lieutenant's armband.

Yachiru squealed happily as she dropped it into his hand, then launched herself across the table to latch onto his neck and plant a loud, sugary kiss on his chin. "Thank you, Ichi-kun!"

Anyone else might have resented having to brace Yachiru's full body weight with their neck, but Ichigo was unfortunately getting used to it. Thankfully, he knew exactly how to get her off of him: he simply had to kiss her back (though if Zaraki saw him kiss Yachiru anywhere but on her forehead, there would be hell to pay), which was quickly and easily accomplished.

It hadn't escaped his notice that she didn't kiss anyone else, not even Zaraki, but Ichigo tried not to think about that too much. Despite how well he had gotten to know her, Yachiru still managed to surprise him every now and then. Usually they were pleasant surprises, or at least the type he could deal with so long as he exercised a certain amount of patience, and sometimes (like the time she had taken pictures of him in the bathhouse and published them in that damn calendar) she just seemed to want to annoy him needlessly.

"Just make sure you tell the big guy I'll be in the mood to fight when I get back," Ichigo said as Yachiru released him. He was pretty sure that would be the case, since sitting through a meeting always left him feeling antsy.

"Give Ran-chan a hug for me!" Yachiru shouted after him as he stomped his way out.

Ichigo tried not to grind his teeth as he walked briskly towards his destination, muttering unflattering things about Yachiru the whole time. He generally did his best to think of her as a third little sister, and to that end, even let her give him regular haircuts since Yuzu wasn't around to do it. Yachiru was surprisingly good at it, so long as he kept any sort of dye out of her hands. Anyway, it was either her or Yumichika, and Ichigo would rather shave his head than give Yumichika an excuse to touch him.

Along the way, he happened to spot the 8th Division lieutenant walking a couple a feet ahead of him, and knew at once that he was early, since she was never late for anything. Probably he'd saved some time in his hurry to get away from Yachiru was all.

Ichigo was still considering whether he wanted to go to the trouble of speaking to Ise when she spoke first, not even bothering to turn around as she did so. "Kurosaki," she said coolly.

"Nanao," he answered, sounding just as frosty.

She frowned, but did not comment on his casual use of her given name. He had been doing it for months, after all, and contrary to her nature, she'd actually gotten tired of correcting him. "Will you be joining us this morning? I take it your lieutenant is indisposed yet again?"

Ichigo scowled at her, less because she was annoying him, and more because she was right and he couldn't really argue with her. "She made other plans, I guess."

Nanao sniffed, as if she smelled something that offended her. "I would think that being lieutenant of the combat division would demand that she be very much involved, and yet you continue to grace us with your delightful presence. People will start to talk, you know."

"So? My lieutenant's a flake, and your captain's a drunken bum. What's your point?"

If Ichigo hadn't been ready for it, Nanao could have given him a serious wound with the dagger that was suddenly in her hand. "Take that back!" she demanded.

He held up his hands in apparent surrender. "Hey, I just said he was a drunken bum, Nanao. I never said he wasn't a cool drunken bum." Which he was. Especially when he and Matsumoto tried to get Hitsugaya drunk.

She glared at him, but eventually put the dagger away, deciding that Ichigo was attempting to pay her captain a compliment, in his own way. And she could personally appreciate how difficult that was at times.

"Speaking of flakes," Nanao continued, adjusting her glasses in a way that reminded him of one of the older teachers back at his high school, "you haven't reported to me for your weekly kido training yet, Kurosaki."

Ichigo winced and kept quiet. How could he possibly make these people understand that not knowing any kido was less likely to get him killed than standing still and reciting a five-minute long spell in the middle of a fight? EVERY SINGLE TIME he'd seen Rukia do it, she either got attacked before she could finish, or the enemy countered the moment she finished. If she hadn't been in real danger those times, it would've been funny. Actually, it was extremely funny, but he'd learned to keep his laughter to himself, mostly.

But old man Yamamoto had insisted that since Ichigo had not received an official Shinigami Academy education, he had to catch up on everything that he'd missed. Never mind that the life-and-death crash courses that Rukia, Urahara, and Yoruichi had put him through more than made up for the six years of education he'd missed; in Soul Society they were big on tradition, even though part of why Ichigo had joined the 11th Division was because they were the LEAST traditional.

"I think I'm gonna continue my lessons with someone else, Nanao. No offense, but I'm just not learning at my usual rate."

Nanao seemed more annoyed than offended. "That is because most kido worth knowing are very difficult to learn. You cannot expect to master them in a few days, much less become decent at them so quickly."

Ichigo said nothing, but already he was thinking of tracking Yoruichi down to see if she had any shortcuts (if not, she would almost certainly know someone who did). And there was always Rukia. Although Yamamoto had forbidden him to take lessons from anyone not recognized as a kido master, Ichigo couldn't forget that he'd learned a lot from Rukia in a short amount of time, usually just so she couldn't keep rubbing his face in it when he messed up. It was twisted, but it worked, even if they seemed to be the only two aware of that fact.

"And if you're thinking of asking your friend Kuchiki for help, forget it," Nanao snapped, in that creepy way that suggested she could peer directly into his head. "You should not keep disturbing her. I hear she's being considered for a real promotion, and you can't keep taking up her valuable time."

"Oh yeah? Does that mean Ukitake took a turn for the worst?"

Predictably, Nanao pursed her lips at Ichigo's lack of respect for his superiors, but recognized that if he hadn't changed by now, he never would. "No. Captain Ukitake was quite lively the last I saw him, and Rukia is being considered for his lieutenant."

"Damn. If she makes it, she'll be lording it over me forever," Ichigo grumbled. "Like some other lieutenant that I know," he added pointedly.

She smirked. "You shouldn't talk about Lieutenant Abarai when he isn't here to defend himself."

"Yeah, right. I kicked his butt when I was good and ready, so don't think you can keep getting away with disrespecting me, Nanao."

"You would hit a young woman who was wearing glasses?" she asked in mock disbelief, but the challenge was clear in her tone.

Ichigo glared down at her. "No, but I'd put her over my knee in a heart-"

"Oooh! I hope you mean that, Ichi-kun," said a delighted voice behind him. "Nanao, could I borrow your glasses for a minute?"

Ichigo groaned as Matsumoto strolled over to them, that same flirty smile on her face as always. Honestly, everyone knew she was hot. There was little point in being so shameless about it, in his opinion. "Can't you go one day without hitting on someone?" he asked.

Matsumoto smiled at him. "Well, of course. But why would I?" She stepped closer and entwined her arm with his. "Besides, you're too cute not to tease!"

Ichigo rolled his eyes as she laid her head on his shoulder. "Can't you go mess with your captain instead?"

"Nope. Since he knew I had a meeting today, he kicked me out early so I couldn't miss it. Anyway, messing with him isn't on my To Do list until this afternoon, which means I get to mess with you all morning!"

"How'd I get so lucky?" Ichigo asked dryly.

"You haven't, yet," Matsumoto whispered in his ear.

Nanao cleared her throat loudly. "Since you two seem so close, perhaps I could recommend that she take over your lessons, Kurosaki."

His eyes narrowed. "You wouldn't dare..."

Matsumoto grinned. "Well, of course I'll be your new teacher, Ichi-kun! Now, the first thing you need to learn is how to properly satisfy a woman, and-"

"KIDO!" Ichigo practically shouted, his face red. "I'm learning KIDO!"

With a sly smile, Matsumoto winked at her fellow lieutenant. "I can teach you that at the same time. Bakudo # 100: Taking the Strawberry's Cherry! Surrender yourself to the beautiful busty temptress, foolish fruit! Lie still, shut your eyes, and experience pleasure beyond your wildest dreams! Become a slave to passion, and you may be allowed to kiss the bountiful melons of glory!"

"Hell, if he's stupid enough to turn that down, sign me up!" a familiar tattooed redhead laughed as he walked up.

"She wasn't talking to you, Renji," Ichigo sneered, feeling more than a little silly. He was supposed to be trying to talk his way out of this, after all.

Ichigo noticed that the redhead's eyes went straight to his armband... the one that Yachiru had decorated with pink hearts and kittens. In her defense, she had offered to make him one covered in tiny strawberries, but Ichigo had decided that the original was bad enough. But it was still pretty humiliating to have Renji snickering in his face all the time. Ichigo was about to retaliate when something caught his attention.

Just in front of the meeting hall, he could see Hinamori talking to someone. And since the someone was about the same size as her, and wearing a captain's white haori, it was easy to tell who that someone was. Hinamori shifted slightly, and Ichigo could see the utter frustration and sadness in Hitsugaya's eyes. Whatever they were talking about, it wasn't going well.

Luckily, Hitsugaya spotted the group approaching while they were still several feet away. He said a few more words to Hinamori, then quickly walked away. Most of the others probably didn't notice, but Ichigo could feel that Matsumoto's grip on his arm tightened slightly, and the smile dropped off of her face for a few seconds.

Hinamori continued to stand there for several seconds, staring into space blankly, as if the conversation had had no impact on her at all.

Ichigo gently pulled his arm away from Matsumoto, who let him go willingly enough, and carefully approached Hinamori, not wanting to startle her. "Hey, Hinamori. You feeling okay?" he asked.

She blinked and slowly turned around. "Oh. Hi, Kurosaki-kun. I'm... I'm fine."

Ichigo frowned. "You, um, wanna go for a walk or something? After the meeting, I mean?"

Hinamori stared at him for a few seconds before nodding. "That would... be nice, I think."

"Have you eaten already?"

"Yes, I had a little fruit." She blinked a few times and managed a weak giggle. "It was strawberries, actually..."

The sound almost broke Ichigo's heart. From Hitsugaya's description, Hinamori's laugh had once been something that would make anyone smile. He was sad that he'd missed it, since he didn't think anyone would ever get to hear it again.

It was in that moment that something clicked in Ichigo's mind. He still "needed" to learn kido. Hinamori was a kido master. And plenty of people were worried that she was spending too much time alone. Why not kill two birds with one stone?

Ichigo cleared his throat loudly. "Man, I hope this meeting doesn't last too long. I still gotta find a new kido teacher..."

Hinamori looked up at him curiously. "Aren't your lessons going well?"

"No, actually. I need someone who can really break it down for me." He paused and looked at her. "Hey, I hear you're great with kido. Think you could help me out?"

She seemed startled at the suggestion. "Me? I... I could do that..."

"You'd really be helping me out," Ichigo added. "I'd rather learn from someone who doesn't make me feel like an idiot. And hey, we'd get to spend more time together. Everybody wins! Come on, what do you say?"

"Well, okay," Hinamori agreed hesitantly. "If you really want my help that much, I don't mind teaching you."

Ichigo slipped an arm around her waist and squeezed her gently. "You're a life saver, Hinamori." He wasn't surprised when she stiffened slightly, but he was surprised at how quickly she relaxed.

"I don't mind so much... since it's you, Kurosaki-kun," she said quietly.

Something about the way she said it made Ichigo nervous. There had been plenty of rumors that Hinamori hadn't been quite right since Aizen had betrayed the Soul Society, but Ichigo had mostly assumed that she was only a danger to herself now. If it came down to a fight, he wasn't sure if he could just attack Hinamori like she was any other enemy. It would be like hitting Yuzu, and he couldn't even do that with his hand, much less a sword. On the other hand, if he just let Hinamori beat him, then Zangetsu would kill him in his sleep...

* * *

The meetings were largely a waste of time, in Ichigo's view. Perhaps it was because he called the 11th Division home, where things got accomplished largely through intimidation and a general fear of displeasing Zaraki, Yachiru, and Ichigo himself. If he'd wanted to know what was going on in the other Divisions, he had at least one good friend in nearly each one, usually a captain or a lieutenant. News traveled faster when it wasn't an official order, and Ichigo knew enough people that he was always among the first to hear anything big.

But Ichigo went when Yachiru asked him to, less as a favor to her and more to connect with several of his comrades all at once. He would grumble and complain the whole time (especially since Yachiru insisted on him wearing her armband), but it wasn't exactly a difficult task. Ichigo sometimes worried that his constantly standing in for Yachiru would cause him to be seriously considered for her position, or someone else's. In fact, if his first fight with Zaraki had happened in front of enough witnesses, and he hadn't been a ryoka at the time, he'd already have a pretty valid claim on a captain's spot.

On the other hand, nobody in the Gotei 13 was that crazy. At least, he hoped not. Sometimes he worried, when he reminded himself that Renji was a lieutenant, and so was Yachiru, for that matter. But so long as old man Yamamoto was still running things, Ichigo was fairly sure that he'd never get promoted, which suited him just fine. He still felt bad about knocking Ikkaku down to 4th Seat, but his bald friend had assured him there were no feelings: Ichigo had beaten him every time they'd fought, and Ikkaku wouldn't have felt right when he knew there was someone stronger not taking their proper place among the seated officers. Neither one was looking to get promoted for roughly the same reason: they didn't want to take orders from anyone but Zaraki.

But it was easy to see why Yachiru chose to opt out of the meetings: they were boring, and she just couldn't tolerate standing still AND being bored. Ichigo only managed it because he used the time to think about other things. Today, for example, he was thinking about Hitsugaya and Hinamori.

The young, white-haired captain was a little rough around the edges, but he was basically a good guy. Their mutual hatred of Aizen had allowed them to bond quickly, and it was from watching Hitsugaya worry over Hinamori that Ichigo had realized just how similar their situations were. Hinamori had nearly died at Aizen's hands, and Hitsugaya got the same for trying to avenge her.

Ichigo could easily recall the blind fury with which he'd attacked anyone determined to see Rukia executed. To this day, he still hadn't told her so, but he had long considered her his best friend. She had saved his life, his family, and his friends, so if Rukia ever needed something of him, Ichigo would do it at once (with a little complaining thrown in; it was just expected between them). So far, she'd asked for so little in return, and it was starting to get on his nerves. Ichigo liked to repay his debts promptly, and even though he'd gladly pay Rukia back for the rest of his life, he felt like she wasn't taking advantage of his offer. He made a mental note to go and bug her about that later. If nothing else, he could also drop in on Ukitake and make sure he hadn't heard any rumors about Yachiru being replaced.

At any rate, Ichigo was rather proud of himself for staying awake for the entire meeting (even though his thoughts had been on anything but the topics of discussion). He could appreciate that since the betrayal, meetings occurred more frequently on all levels, in the hopes of catching seeds of dissent before they could bear fruit. Still, Ichigo didn't see why it should apply to him, since he wasn't going to betray anyone.

Predictably, Ichigo only got one foot outside the meeting hall when Matsumoto latched onto him again, asking where he was headed next.

Only one excuse that might keep her from tagging along after him popped into Ichigo's head: work.

"I'm going to start kido training with Hinamori."

In truth, Ichigo didn't want to find out what might happen if Matsumoto managed to get him alone for an extended amount of time. Actually, he was pretty sure what WOULD happen, and that was why he wanted to avoid it. Already he could picture how the whole of Soul Society would turn on him for just one pleasurable but ill-advised night with the lieutenant of the 10th Division. Hitsugaya would hunt him down and give him frostbite so severe that his limbs fell off, half the girls would never speak to him again, every red-blooded male would stab him out of jealousy (except Yumichika, though he'd probably stab Matsumoto...), and in the end, his most important limb would probably just rot off from whatever Captain Kurotsuchi did to it while supposedly searching for STDs.

In short, it was a good thing that Hinamori was free that morning, and if Ichigo had a little more bounce in his step as he followed her to the 5th Division, it was because he'd narrowly avoided certain disaster (he was also very attached to Lil' Ichi).

But as it turned out, Hinamori's method of teaching was completely different from Nanao's. Where Nanao would first explain the principle behind each spell (at great length), then demonstrate it, and expect Ichigo to perform it on his own, Hinamori insisted the first day of instruction be nothing but demonstration on her part. She wanted Ichigo to actually see how useful it was not only to know certain spells, but to be able to use them in (relatively) quick succession.

Amazingly enough, Ichigo felt like it was working. True, he didn't really know how to perform any of the spells himself yet, but he also wasn't bored out of his mind, either. He watched eagerly, being sure to make a note of the spells that he found particularly interesting. He also gained a new respect for Hinamori's abilities, because as impressive as she was now, he knew she had once been even better... before Aizen had turned.

Unfortunately, Hinamori wasn't quite as over his betrayal as Ichigo had hoped, because once the lesson ended, she asked the one question that Ichigo had prayed she never would.

"Do you think I'm a fool? For hoping that Captain Aizen will come back to us one day?"

Ichigo hesitated for a long moment. While he hadn't seen Aizen attack Hitsugaya and Hinamori, the former captain had gone through a great deal of trouble to kill Rukia, and in Ichigo's mind that was completely unforgivable. Even after all he'd learned about Renji's past, Ichigo still held a small grudge against him for using excessive force to bring Rukia back to the Soul Society.

But he couldn't just come right out and say that he hated Aizen's guts. Not with the pleading expression in Hinamori's eyes. He couldn't crush her like that (ironically, because her body and mind would never fully recover from Aizen stabbing her).

"Hinamori," Ichigo said at last, "Aizen was one of the most powerful captains here, as well as one of the smartest. Can you honestly tell me that if he wanted to come back here and clear his name, that anyone would be able to stand in his way for very long?"

She didn't say anything, but the way her eyes dimmed told Ichigo all he needed to know.

"But you're not a fool. You really think I would take lessons from one of those?"

Hinamori smiled, but it was strained at best.

Ichigo shook his head. "Look, I'm the wrong person to ask. Somebody tried to kill Rukia, and all the evidence points to it being Aizen. I know you still have feelings for him, but I'd just rather not talk about him at all, because I don't know if I could stay open-minded about it. I like YOU, so we can talk about anything else."

He was hoping for another shaky smile, but instead, Hinamori's face turned bright red. She didn't look angry, though, but it seemed like an improvement... sort of. Ichigo's experience with girls was sadly limited: Yuzu was nice, Karin was stubborn. They were the only two he felt like he even close to perfectly understood, and that was only because they technically weren't allowed to stay mad at each other. Part of his brain hesitated to put female shinigami in the same class as "normal girls," for the simple reason that he had lived with Rukia, and she had been anything but normal. Beyond that, nearly every female in Soul Society had some kind of extreme quirk that would've gotten a "normal girl" locked up and put away somewhere. Hinamori was probably the most normal one, so of course she had to be the one to suffer through a life-altering injury. Maybe she was just really unlucky, or maybe she was too much like Yuzu, but Ichigo had this strange urge to look after her, if not for Hitsugaya, then just because she was a nice girl.

"Hey, I'm supposed to fight my captain after this. You want to come watch?" he offered.

Hinamori's eyes widened. "Why would you want to do that?"

Ichigo grinned. "Well, I'd never get any stronger if I didn't get into tough fights. Plus if I don't, he'd just come looking for me, and then he'd be twice as hard to beat because I made him chase me down and pissed him off. So, you interested? I could use a cute cheerleader."

"Um, okay," Hinamori agreed, turning red again. "But shouldn't we stop by the 4th Division first? You might want to reserve two beds..."

"Oh, they've got beds with our names on them now," Ichigo commented absently. "Captain Unohana says we'll get our own wing if we keep it up."

Hinamori opened her mouth, possibly to suggest that maybe this was a sign that he should stop fighting so much, or at least with Zaraki. But Ichigo grabbed her hand and dragged her off, eager to get to his fight. Hinamori had actually given him some ideas with her demonstrations, and although Ichigo knew it was a bad idea to try a spell for the first time in a fight with Zaraki, he had faith in Hinamori's teaching ability.

* * *

"ICHIGO'S GONNA FIGHT CAPTAIN ZARAKI!"

As often as this cry went up in the 11th Division, one might think that it got less important over time. But this could not be further from the truth. When two of best (or the two best, if one were brave enough, and Yachiru was not in earshot) fighters in the 11th Division decided to go at it, it was treated as a monumental event. All other activities, planned or otherwise, came to a screeching halt, and there was a general stampede to get good seats before they were all taken.

Yachiru was one of the few who didn't have to worry about good seating. As a lieutenant, she was either offered the best seats, or she could order someone to give theirs up (though it had never come to that). She was still of the opinion that the REAL best seat was on her captain's shoulder, but Ichigo always complained that he couldn't fight at his best if there was a risk of hitting her, which was both endearing and stupid. And being the big, protective softie that he was, her beloved Ken-chan always agreed with Ichigo.

Really, she was almost insulted! After all, she WAS a lieutenant. It wasn't as if she would just sit there and LET Ichi-kun hit her. She could duck and jump with the best of them! After all, she had seen what happened to the people who didn't get out of Zangetsu's way.

Today, though, Yachiru was in a hurry. Her concern wasn't the best seat, it was the nearest available seat. And although that particular seat was currently occupied, that had never stopped her before.

"Hey, you!" the pink-haired girl shouted, pointing her finger at the offending occupant. "You're in my seat... um... whatever your name is!"

The man's face drooped and was soon absolutely covered in sweatdrops. "It's... Maki-Maki, Lieutenant Kusajishi... remember?"

"Hmm... nope," Yachiru replied at once. "But you're still in my seat, so hold still!" With that, she turned around and hopped into his lap. "Now be a good chair and I might forgive you later!"

"Uh... yes, ma'am," Aramaki replied weakly.

"Shh! Good chairs can't talk!" Yachiru snapped.

* * *

Hinamori was feeling strangely important today. Pretty much anyone that had bothered to look would've seen Ichigo holding her hand as they walked into the crowded courtyard where the fight was to take place, and that was all it took to start people talking. But Ichigo either hadn't noticed, or (she hoped) hadn't cared. He had simply found her a good seat, glared at the person in it, and consequently cleared out not only that seat, but the surrounding seats, as everyone nearby had thought he was looking at them.

It was quite inspiring, the way Ichigo made her feel. When she was with him, it was as if no other people existed at all. He seemed to be especially interested in her well-being, even though he had no real reason to be. At the same time, he wasn't pushy and controlling like everyone else who'd tried to help her, or at least she didn't feel pressured when he pushed. He was a welcome change from Hitsugaya, who while he meant well, quickly lost any patience he had whenever he could tell she was thinking about Aizen. Admittedly, she did that a lot, so maybe he had a valid excuse...

"Hinamori!" called a familiar voice, breaking into her thoughts. "You saved some seats for us? Great! Captain, over here!"

She looked up to see Matsumoto hurrying over to her... and just behind her, approaching at a much slower pace, Hitsugaya, with an unreadable expression on his face.

"Oh... I don't know if-"

"Wow, these seats are great!" Matsumoto interrupted, plopping down right next to her. "I bet Ichi-kun will be able to hear us perfectly when we cheer for him!"

"Ah... yes, probably," Hinamori answered, eyeing Hitsugaya nervously as he slowly sat down on the other side of her. "A-Are you going to cheer, too, Hitsugaya-kun?"

"Well, he won't say anything, but we all know he's rooting for Ichi-kun on the inside," Matsumoto assured her.

Hitsugaya glared at his lieutenant. "I am here merely to observe and analyze their respective abilities for future reference. The outcome doesn't matter, since they'll just fight again next month."

Matsumoto just shook her head sadly. "No offense, Captain, but you suck as a cheerleader."

"I am NOT a cheerleader, Matsumoto!"

* * *

"So I hear you're looking to get cut up again," Zaraki chuckled, a maniacal grin stretching across his face.

Ichigo smirked confidently. "Yeah, but I just hate to get cut up alone, so don't mind me if I have Zangetsu poke you a few times, Captain."

"You're assuming you even can. The way I remember it, you couldn't even touch me with your blade when we first met. Maybe you've gotten weaker since our last fight."

"Now, if I'd really gotten weaker, you think I'd be crazy enough to call you out like this?"

"No, but I never thought you were crazy. I thought you were stupid."

"So why don't we make this interesting?" Ichigo suggested. "Loser has to spend all of tomorrow with Yachiru... after she's eaten all the candy that goes to the winner."

Zaraki actually flinched. "I take it back. You're crazy, stupid, and a glutton for cruel and unusual punishment. But you've got yourself a bet. I'll even do you a favor and aim away from your shoulders. You're going to need them strong when she latches onto them for a whole day."

And with that, the battle began.

It was like being in the midst of the ultimate storm. Lightning danced between the blades each time the swords of Zaraki and Ichigo were jerked apart, and thunder rumbled each time they were slammed together again. The ground cracked and split around their feet, large chunks ripped up and tossed about by the powerful winds born from the constant, overwhelming spiritual pressure being unleashed.

Only the especially observant shinigami would've noticed, however, that even as the two powers clashed, their respective spiritual pressures did not battle each other, so much as they blended, creating a force so tremendous that only the captains present (and one pink-haired, pint-sized lieutenant) could manage to stay upright.

Despite the obvious danger, however, it simply did not register in the expressions of the combatants. The ever-present scowl was missing from Ichigo's face, replaced by a smug, but thoroughly pleased grin. Zaraki's face was frozen in a frightening mix of a grimace and a smile, but anyone that had served under him could tell he was having the time of his life, too.

And then, with a final exchange of sword thrusts, it was over.

Strangely enough, it was very similar to their first fight.

Ichigo's face drained of color, and then he became a morbid fountain of blood, his clothing soaked through with crimson even before he collapsed, a large pool rapidly spreading beneath him as he lay facedown on the ground. Zangetsu gleamed at his side in a way that seemed a bit too triumphant, given the circumstances.

Zaraki remained on his feet, staring down at his 3rd Seated officer with an amused but impressed grin, his battle-scarred sword still gripped tightly in his large right hand. He was panting, and cut up all over, but otherwise barely even appeared to be winded.

There was complete silence for nearly a whole minute. Many people were staring at Ichigo's fallen form expectantly, as if they were waiting for him to pop up and continue the battle. He'd certainly done it before, after all.

But Ichigo did not move, and finally the cheers started, blanketing the ravaged courtyard in noise.

Zaraki did not react. He simply kept staring down at Ichigo, even when he finally caught his breath.

Captain Unohana emerged from the crowd, followed by several members of the 4th Division, two of whom had a stretcher ready. She began to kneel beside Ichigo, but suddenly froze, whipping around to stare at Zaraki in disbelief.

That was when Yachiru tore herself from Aramaki's lap, because she had sensed it, too. "KEN-CHAN!!!" she screamed at the top of her lungs as she ran to him.

And Zaraki continued to stare down at Ichigo with that same smile on his face, even after his life had faded away.

**End of Chapter 1.**

* * *

**Next Chapter: The Princess and the Strawberry**

In which Ichigo tries to hide under Rukia's new desk, Yachiru is a BIT angry, and Hitsugaya gleefully boots Matsumoto into being the temporary overseer of the 11th Division while its leaders are indisposed, hiding, and/or dead.

Endnotes:

I know, I know, you hate me now. But there is a point to this, I don't kill off my favorite characters without an excellent reason.

The NAMES, Grrr. I can understand that from a military standpoint, referring to people by their family names is common practice. But on the other hand, it seems like people who are close should be using given names to indicate the depth of their connection. This is tricky for Ichigo (fairly informal most of the time, even with people he knows well, and doesn't acknowledge the pecking order).

With captains, I generally have Ichigo drop the title entirely, unless it's someone he might have great respect for: Zaraki, who he calls "Captain" almost exclusively, and Unohana, who's too much of a mother/teacher figure for him to address any other way. This isn't to suggest he doesn't respect the other captains, just that he's less formal with them.

This chapter title inspired by "The Boy Who Cried Wolf," which is a story about a boy who lies so much that no one believes him when real trouble comes along. Not that Ichigo isn't trustworthy, but maybe people shouldn't be in such a hurry to fight the guy...

Oh, and don't expect regular updates, since this is taking MUCH longer than I thought it would, between all the researching and the other stories I'm working on. I'd be lucky to get past two chapters at this point. If you're disappointed by that idea, please let me know, since I need all the encouragement I can get.


	2. The Princess and the Strawberry

Disclaimer (which I forgot): I don't own Bleach. If I did I probably wouldn't have to stop and look up the Japanese terms/names every few minutes. Grah.

Notes: Again, updates probably won't be frequent. Although the first review being a relatively good one convinced me to put up the next chapter fast, since it was almost done, anyway.

**Ichigo and the Beanstalk**

**A Bleach-ed Fairy Tale by**

**Nate Grey (XMAN0123-at-aol-dot-com)**

**Chapter 2: The Princess and the Strawberry**

* * *

Ichigo was rather used to waking up in his reserved bed within the 4th Division to find Captain Unohana leaning over him, an infinitely patient expression on her face. It was one of those rare, fleeting experiences that Ichigo likened to having his mother back, if only for a moment. After Zaraki, she was the captain he respected the most, and certainly she was the only one that could ever get away with ruffling his hair, if the inclination ever struck her (which it hadn't, but that was just how comfortable Ichigo was around her).

"What's the damage this time, Unohana-sama?" he asked slowly, wincing at the hoarse sound of his voice.

"You won't be satisfied until you tear your body completely apart, will you, Kurosaki-kun?" she asked, a hint of reproach in her tone.

"Well, people would take it the wrong way if I just came by to see you whenever I wanted," Ichigo joked. He was hoping for at least a slight blush, but was disappointed.

"Flattery is not going to help you heal any faster," Unohana pointed out as she pressed her warm hand against his forehead and peered into each of his eyes. "And I would think you'd have more important things to occupy your mind right now."

He decided to humor her. "Like what?"

She paused, staring at him in a very obvious attempt to discern if he was being serious. "You must not remember what happened. Or perhaps you never realized?"

"I remember I lost."

"That is not even close to being accurate. Should I check for a concussion again?"

Ichigo frowned. "Wait, hold on. I didn't lose? But I went down first!"

Unohana shook her head. "Wrong again. You were the only one to physically fall."

In the several seconds that it took Ichigo to absorb this fact and replay the entire conversation in his head, he watched absently as Unohana continued her examination of him. When she seemed to be done, he cleared his throat. "Um, could you start at the beginning? Please?"

"Of course, Kurosaki-kun," was her immediate reply. "You managed to defeat Captain Zaraki, but you were physically unable to remain standing. Your opponent did not have the same problem. In fact, because he stayed upright, many people mistakenly assumed that he was the victor."

"Like me," Ichigo muttered.

She patted his arm in a way that was both comforting, and a sign that he should be quiet so she could finish talking. "As I went out to collect you, I noticed a sharp drop in Captain Zaraki's spiritual pressure, just before it vanished entirely."

Ichigo blinked. "I must really need to brush up on my kido, because I don't think I've heard of that spell. And I didn't think the Captain would ever bother with stuff like that. Sounds damn useful, though."

Unohana squeezed his arm gently. "Kurosaki-kun... it was not a spell, or even intentional on Captain Zaraki's part."

The look of realization that appeared on Ichigo's face was one of both horror and self-disgust. "No..." he whispered.

She said nothing, merely trying to convey her sympathy through her eyes.

"NO!" Ichigo shouted, sitting up so violently that he reopened several wounds on his chest. "HE CAN'T BE!"

Sighing, Unohana pressed her hand firmly to his chest. "Kurosaki-kun, you are shouting."

Normally, such a statement would have had no effect, but combined with a significant amount of her own spiritual pressure, Ichigo closed his mouth and laid back down on the bed, even though the upset was still clear on his face.

"I thought I should be the one to tell you," Unohana continued softly. "Captain Zaraki did not suffer. From all appearances, he thoroughly enjoyed himself in his final moments."

"I still killed him," Ichigo said flatly.

"I can say with confidence that he died in the way he would've preferred to: in heated battle, with someone he admired. You were his favorite sparring partner."

Ichigo scowled at her. "That doesn't really make me feel any better, Unohana-sama."

"My work would be far easier if I could make people feel better simply by talking, Kurosaki-kun, but that was not my intention. I am merely pointing out that the man was fond of you, and would not blame you for what happened. I am quite certain he would find the whole situation amusing." She sighed in a way that was almost wistful. "You know how much he enjoyed chaos."

"Aren't you supposed to be mad at me?" Ichigo asked incredulously. He didn't quite mean that, but still felt the need to ask. Unohana had patched him up more than enough times for him to consider her his personal doctor, and even if she wouldn't admit it, she could double as a therapist if it ever became necessary. So the idea that she didn't seem at all upset about his killing Zaraki was very weird. If nothing else, it should mean more work for her, since she was required to examine any fallen captains.

Unohana shook her head slightly. "Kurosaki-kun, it was an accident. Everyone could see that. It is not as if you murdered Captain Zaraki in cold blood. To be honest, most of us expected his end to be far more grisly. You may have done him a favor in that respect. Besides, what good would it do to be angry with you? I can see that you are already punishing yourself enough as it is."

"What about Yachiru?" he asked quietly. "How's she taking it?"

"Not well, from what I've heard," Unohana admitted slowly. "The last anyone saw her, she was refusing to emerge from her quarters. I'm afraid that's the best we can hope for right now. Captain Zaraki was her whole world."

"Don't remind me," he muttered, covering his face with a pillow.

* * *

Matsumoto Rangiku was in a grumpy mood, to say the least.

No matter how far she had come in her relationship with her captain, he always managed to remind her, at regular intervals, that he particularly enjoyed his space, especially when she was not in it.

But usually he had the common decency to not be quite so PUBLIC with his feelings.

She wanted to believe that Hitsugaya just thought she could handle the responsibility, but she was steadily leaning towards the idea that not only had he KNOWN that she couldn't, but that he had been far more concerned with just getting her out of his hair for a day or two.

Why else would he have volunteered her, in front of all the other captains, to watch over the 11th Division temporarily? With a sadistic smirk on his face, no less!

Well, she would show HIM. If she couldn't handle a couple of hundred drunken brutes, she had no right to call herself a lieutenant. Anyway, she had the perfect weapons to keep them in line: T & A.

Yes, Tactics and Associates! Those would be her weapons of choice. So to speak. She would rule the 11th Division with a firm hand, and dump all of the paperwork on Ikkaku and Yumichika. Yes, it was a FINE plan, indeed!

Only Ikkaku was mysteriously missing, almost as if he had KNOWN her plan ahead of time. But poor Yumichika was none the wiser. Tough luck for him.

Thus assured, Matsumoto confidently strolled out into the courtyard, where the whole of the 11th Division had gathered to be addressed by their new (temporary) leader. "HI, BOYS!" she greeted happily, being sure to wave as much as she could. And if she happened to lean forward a BIT more than most would consider necessary, well, THAT could be categorized as an accident.

The carefully arranged sight of her bountiful cleavage? Not so much.

The reactions were noticeable and immediate. Many men gaped openly. Some drooled. Others' heads rocked back, as if struck by an invisible force, blood spurting from their noses.

"I trust introductions aren't needed, and I'd prefer you just call me by my proper title, for now. Oh, and I really just have one rule, but it's very important. You may look, but do not touch. If you forget that rule, I will remind you, PAINFULLY, that I am a lieutenant, and you are not. Now that that's out of the way, um..." She tapped her chin thoughtfully with a finger, then brightened. "Oh, I know! All of you fight each other! Right now!"

This was met with some confused, half-hearted looks. It wasn't that they had a problem fighting each other (quite the opposite, they were the combat division, after all), but it usually wasn't phrased quite so bluntly. Most people at least bothered to dress it up by calling it training, or even sparring, but-

"Winner gets a kiss!" Matsumoto added with a flirty wink.

The courtyard erupted into a huge, frenzied battle, in which much blood was spilled, and in some cases, limbs nearly lost.

An hour later, there was a clear winner: the 5th Seat Yumichika, who, not surprisingly, wasn't all that interested in a kiss. This was fine with Matsumoto, since she hadn't been all that eager to kiss him in the first place (and she had never actually stated the kiss would come from her, which she would have mentioned if the winner was not to her liking). Anyway, she knew a wasted kiss when she saw one. So they shook hands, and she gave him his alternate prize: glorious PAPERWORK!

Yumichika was not pleased.

The rest of the division was too injured to do much except moan and groan, so Matsumoto tackled the first member of the 4th Division that she saw, vaguely mentioned that there was a mess in the 11th that they MIGHT want to take a look at, and skipped off to find her beloved captain and punish him with a hug. He so hated those, or at least he claimed he did. But she knew better. After all, there wasn't a red-blooded heterosexual male alive OR dead that could possibly not enjoy hugging her, she was certain of it!

* * *

Only minutes after Matsumoto left, there was an incident involving the 11th Division.

In short, every building in it was utterly destroyed.

There were no witnesses, though this was due to all of the shinigami being so thoroughly exhausted by Matsumoto's contest that they had no real hope of escaping the damage. Consequently, most of them had yet to regain consciousness, and the few that did were still too out of it to recall much in detail.

The list of suspects behind the destruction was very short: only one. Three seated officers had missed Matsumoto's introduction, and of those, two had been in the 4th Division at the time. The one remaining officer was positively identified later in the day by a severely beaten man, who had apparently been trying to coax her out of her quarters with candy. Upon waking up, the first words out of his mouth had been, "But it's me, your faithful Maki-Maki, Lieutenant Kusajishi... NO, DON'T HIT ME WITH THE BED!"

As the first captain on the scene, Hitsugaya had immediately noted that everything (and everyone) appeared to have been crushed by a tremendous force. What truly worried him, however, was the fact that no one had sensed a massive release of spiritual pressure, which should've been necessary to cause such damage. He was one of many people reminded that day that only one man knew the true extent of Yachiru's powers, and unfortunately for them, he had taken those secrets to the grave.

* * *

Ichigo spent the night in the 4th Division, less because Unohana ordered him to, and more because he didn't want to have to face Yachiru. Part of him was still hoping that this was all some very elaborate nightmare, and that any moment now, he'd wake up and hear Zaraki telling him to roll his lazy ass out of bed so they could have another rematch.

It was real, though, and this was confirmed when Ichigo woke up the following morning to find himself with two visitors.

"Ikkaku... Renji... what the hell are you guys doing here?" Ichigo muttered. "And what the hell is that?" He pointed to long object wrapped in thick cloth that Ikkaku was holding in front of him.

The two shinigami exchanged glances before the bald one finally spoke. "You defeated Captain Zaraki in combat... again, Ichigo. By might and right, this is yours." He held out the object expectantly.

Ichigo started to reach for it, but the moment he did so, he realized what it had to be. "No," he grunted. "I don't want-"

"By might and right," Ikkaku repeated severely, glaring at him, "this is yours. Take it, Ichigo. Captain Zaraki wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Just take the damn sword," Renji sighed, "or do you want to sit here all day and argue with him? Don't think he won't do it, either."

Ichigo knew just how devoted to Zaraki that Ikkaku was... well, had been... and that Renji was absolutely right. Reluctantly, he reached out and accepted Zaraki's zanpakuto. It felt too light in his hands, and Ichigo was uncertain if this was because the owner was dead, or because he himself was far too used to lugging Zangetsu around.

"So when's my trial?" Ichigo asked mildly, carefully leaning Zaraki's sword against the wall, right beside the wrapped form of Zangetsu. "Or do they just imprison me right away?"

"Are you nuts?" Renji demanded. "Don't you even know what's going on, you idiot?"

"I've been stuck in here since yesterday, so what do you think, genius?"

"Everyone knows you've beaten Captain Zaraki before," Ikkaku explained. "But this time, the whole 11th Division and two captains saw you do it. This time, you're the 3rd Seat, not just some ryoka with weird hair."

Ichigo frowned and shook his head. "Yeah, and?"

"How slow ARE you?" Renji groaned. "I feel sorry for anybody that'll have to take orders from you. Don't think because they hand you a white-"

"It's very likely that you'll be chosen as the next captain of the 11th Division, Ichigo," Ikkaku interrupted quickly.

"You shouldn't joke with a guy that's still recovering," Ichigo muttered, rolling his eyes.

"This is NOT something I would ever joke about," Ikkaku pointed out. "Sir."

"Do that again and I'll kill you next," Ichigo said without thinking, before wincing and biting his lip. "I'm the same guy I was the last time I kicked your ass, so don't go getting any stupid ideas."

"Don't be a fool, Ichigo. Do you really think we would follow anyone but the man who defeated our captain? You have only one option available to you: you must succeed Captain Zaraki."

* * *

Hitsugaya was impressed. Out of all the places he had assumed that Yachiru might go to, the 12th Division was nowhere on the list. True, she was only sitting on the roof of one of the less frequently used research labs, but already she'd attracted some attention. Usually anyone from outside the 12th Division was halted before they got anywhere near the buildings, but Yachiru had either been too fast or too powerful, because while many people knew she was there, none of them had been quite brave enough to confront her.

It was a little-known fact that Yachiru was on good terms with Kurotsuchi Nemu, and while the two lieutenants rarely ever spent time together, they managed to maintain a working relationship that was mutually beneficial. Captains Zaraki and Kurotsuchi couldn't stand each other, so disagreements were bound to occur between them. But whenever Kurotsuchi wanted to do extra research on a few prisoners without interference from the 11th Division, his experiments would strangely begin at the same times that Zaraki was overseeing the daily mandatory spars for his subordinates. Likewise, Nemu would always warn Yachiru when Kurotsuchi was in an especially sadistic mood (although how she could tell was anyone's guess). It was certain that Kurotsuchi knew nothing of this arrangement (he would've punished Nemu severely), and while Zaraki did, he accepted it as a necessary evil, or at least a favor to a friend of Yachiru.

Hitsugaya was not slowed down in any way as he strode towards where Yachiru was perched. There were plenty of uneasy looks exchanged among the 12th Division officers as he walked past them, but none were brave enough to block his path. As much as they feared their captain, none were crazy enough to actually interfere with another captain, even if he was the youngest.

He found Nemu standing at the base of the lab, staring up at Yachiru with a slight frown on her face. She was so distracted that she didn't even notice Hitsugaya until he said, "Lieutenant Kurotsuchi."

Nemu turned around to face him, instantly composing her face into the blank expression with which he was so familiar. "Captain Hitsugaya. How can I help you?" she asked, bowing slightly.

"I need to speak with her. Do you think she would object?"

"While I would not advise it, I will not stand in your way," Nemu replied. "But please allow me to inform her of your intention first. The situation would only worsen if she received another unpleasant shock." With that, she took the building in a single leap and knelt beside Yachiru. A few seconds later, Nemu hopped back down. "Good luck, Captain," was all she said, moving out of his way.

Hitsugaya nodded and leaped up to the roof, preparing himself for anything.

"So you found me," Yachiru said quietly, not even bothering to look up. She hugged her knees a little tighter to her chest. "I'm in a lot of trouble, huh?"

"That is not for me to decide," Hitsugaya replied, frowning.

"Sure it is," she murmured. "You outrank me, and you have proof that I did something bad. You could arrest me."

"I... you are mistaken. You are still the 11th Division Lieutenant, and I would not-"

"You arrested Hinamori once, and she was driven by grief. Why is it any different now?"

Hitsugaya turned away from her. "Hinamori was being manipulated as part of Aizen's betrayal. But there is no greater plot here. Ichigo would never choose to kill Captain Zaraki. So your logic, even if it is tainted with grief... is acceptable to me."

Yachiru blinked and slowly lifted her head. "Thank you... Shiro-chan," she whispered with a watery smile.

"That, however, is NOT acceptable," Hitsugaya growled.

She laughed at him, though not unkindly. "Okay. I'll go with you. Just... can we stay here for a while? I want to... think for a little bit."

He stared at her, the frown surfacing again. "You've changed, Yachiru."

"Of course I have," she sighed, dropping her chin to her knees. "My Ken-chan is dead..."

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

"Are you really?" Yachiru asked. "What would you do to make me feel better?"

Hitsugaya wisely backed up a step. "What do you want?"

Yachiru's hand flew to the hilt of her sword as she hopped to her feet. "Let's fight!"

He blinked. "You can't be serious."

"What's the matter, Shiro-chan? You scared a girl lieutenant is gonna whoop your cute little butt?" she asked, grinning hugely.

Hitsugaya narrowed his eyes. "You are going to regret this, Yachiru," he promised, slowly reaching back to grasp Hyourinmaru's hilt. "It is not my wish to hurt you, but I will defend myself."

"Well, good. I don't want this to be too easy." Yachiru beamed as she drew her sword.

Inwardly, Hitsugaya was honored. He would be the only other captain, no, the only other shinigami in the Seireitei to see Yachiru's zanpakuto, to his knowledge. He was ready.

Except, he wasn't. Because it wasn't a sword at all that emerged from Yachiru's sheath.

It was a tail. A silver, twitching cat's tail stretched from the hilt in Yachiru's hand back to the sheath. Any more pressure and she was likely to rip the poor thing apart.

"Get ready, Shiro-chan, cuz here I come!" Yachiru shouted, just before she gave a final, mighty heave.

Hitsugaya was only partially relieved to see that Yachiru didn't rip the tail off completely. But he was far more startled by what emerged from the sheath now: a whole silver cat, which was obviously quite perturbed about not only being kept in a space far too small for it for so very long, but being yanked out of it so abruptly and painfully.

"Crush, Suteneko!" Yachiru sang the instant the cat landed on the roof in front of her. With that, she yanked the cat back into the air by it's tail, and began swinging it rapidly over her head, ignoring the poor creature's yowls of rage.

To say Hitsugaya was still stunned as Yachiru ran at him was a huge understatement. Was she really going to hit him with a cat? Blinking, he drew Hyourinmaru, planning to simply knock the cat aside with the flat of the blade. But in doing so, Hitsugaya was overlooking the fact that Yachiru had just destroyed the 11th Division.

However, he was reminded of it, when Yachiru neatly sidestepped his first swipe, and brought Suteneko down with a feral gleam in her eyes. But it was not soft fur or even furious claws that struck Hitsugaya's face. It was a solid, unyielding mass of steel that rocked his head violently to the side and loosened several of his teeth.

Hitsugaya stumbled away, seeing stars as he spat blood on the roof. He tightened his grip on Hyourinmaru and glared at Yachiru, who was waiting patiently for him to regain his bearings, twirling that damned cat over her head the whole time.

"Ready to get serious now, Shiro-chan?" she asked. As she spoke, the cat began to glow bright pink, and Yachiru attacked again.

This time, Hitsugaya was ready, and easily avoided the blow. The roof did not, and when Suteneko struck it, instead of just creating a sizeable hole, the entire building shook and split apart down the middle, looking as if a huge boulder had just hit it.

Yachiru didn't seem to have noticed the damage, though she did hop over the rapidly widening gap between them, and Hitsugaya was hard-pressed to avoid the next blow with the added momentum, much to his surprise. All he could really do was block Suteneko with Hyourinamaru, and he worried that his sword would not last long under such pressure.

"You know I won't go easy on you just because you're cute!" Yachiru giggled, grinning widely.

Hitsugaya frowned as he forced her back, and wondered just what he'd gotten himself into.

* * *

If there was one thing about Ichigo that had always annoyed Kuchiki Rukia, it was that no matter how much he learned, or how much stronger he got, he never quite mastered the basic ability to conceal, or at least limit his spiritual pressure.

In other words, she knew that he was in her office long before she entered it. What Rukia did not know until later was that he was hiding there. But it certainly explained why there was no sign of him as she walked in, and why she couldn't find him until it finally occurred to her to look under her desk.

The sight of Ichigo staring back at her, hunched into an obviously extremely uncomfortable position, was so amusing that Rukia was tempted to tell him how silly he looked, or just laugh in his face. But before she could open her mouth to do either, Ichigo reached out and covered her mouth with his hand.

"SHH!" he hissed, glancing around nervously before glaring at her.

Rukia glared right back as she sank her teeth into his hand.

"YAAAAH!!!" Ichigo shouted, ripping his hand away and accidentally banging his head against the desk. "SHIT!!!"

"If I have to come down there, Ichigo," Rukia growled, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand, "that bite will seem like a walk in the park."

Ichigo gave her a sour look. "Well, I can't really hide in plain sight, now, can I?"

"You? Of course not," she snorted. "You have ORANGE hair, you couldn't hide your spiritual pressure to save your life, and you're one of the loudest people I've ever met. Anyone that wants to find you is going to... especially if you insist on hiding in the office of the shinigami who knows you best, idiot."

"All the more reason for you to hide me, then," he argued, shaking his hand rapidly in hopes that the pain would fade faster.

"I am not going to help you hide from your responsibility, Ichigo," Rukia said sternly. "Why is it that when it comes to something you shouldn't be involved in, like saving me, you throw yourself in headfirst, but with this promotion, which you should welcome, you run and hide?"

Ichigo crawled out from under the desk and stood up, glaring at her. "Because I could live with myself if I turned my back on this."

Rukia looked away in an effort to keep her eyes from watering. Ichigo was a brave, stupid boy, and had been from the moment she met him... but he could be sweet, too, in his own foolish, stubborn way. And damn him if she wasn't especially fond of him in those moments.

"Could you really, Ichigo? I don't think you've given this much thought... as usual." She sighed and shook her head. "Captain Zaraki was... a very hard man to like. But you liked him. He gave you a place to belong in a world of strangers, and he helped your friends in a time of need. If you couldn't abandon me, I find it very hard to believe that you could walk away from this promotion. The 11th Division needs you. Yachiru needs you. We all do. More than that, you need this position. You're one of the strongest shinigami here, and it's time you accepted that and stopped running from your problems. Face them head on, and become the man I know you can be."

"How come you're only supportive when I don't want you to be?" he muttered. "The only kind of man I am right now is a killer, Rukia."

Rukia admirably resisted the urge to hit him. "Ichigo, Captain Zaraki wasn't a pacifist, you know. Maybe you should take this as a sign that you're more alike than you care to admit. You are the strongest one in the 11th Division now, and they would follow no one else. And besides, you know that one kill doesn't have to define the rest of your life."

Ichigo frowned as he gazed at the supposedly calm look on Rukia's face. He knew that just under the surface, she was remembering when she'd taken the life of a friend, and how difficult it had been for her to move on. That she could speak about it so casually now was a clear sign of her progress. Ichigo wondered if he'd ever feel that way about Zaraki's death. Right now, it just didn't seem all that likely.

"It's okay to regret what happened," she said quietly. "That's normal. But you saved me, Ichigo, and I wouldn't be any kind of friend if I let you walk away from this chance." Rukia smirked. "Anyway, if you don't do it, I can order you around all I want." She made a show of picking up the new, golden nameplate Captain Ukitake had given her (a little prematurely, but few people could say no to one of his smiles) and polishing it on her sleeve. "I'll even make you call me Lieutenant Kuchiki."

"Careful, Rukia," Ichigo said, smiling to himself. "I'll remember this when I arrange for you to be transferred into my Division. And then you'll have to call me-"

"Captain Strawberry," Rukia replied with a grin. "Actually, I don't think I'd mind that one bit, Ichigo."

"Well, I think I would," Captain Ukitake commented as he walked into the office. "Honestly, Kurosaki, where are your manners? Plotting to steal my fine lieutenant before you even become a captain is hardly in good taste. Were I anyone else, I believe I'd be deeply offended."

"It's her fault!" Ichigo insisted, pointing at Rukia. "She gave me the idea!"

"I did not!" Rukia shouted angrily.

"You did! I had to think of a way to get you back once you started teasing me!"

"But it was still YOUR idea, idiot!"

Humming happily to himself, Ukitake made himself a cup of tea and sat down to watch the heated argument. Once he'd drained his cup, he set it aside, stood up, and headed for the door.

Rukia was the first to notice. "Captain? I apologize if we were being too noisy..."

He waved her off. "Oh, the twittering of young lovebirds has never bothered me. But there is a matter of considerable importance that I've been putting off."

Rukia and Ichigo both turned bright red. Despite their best efforts, they had never been able to convince the captain that they weren't secretly a couple.

"Actually, Kurosaki, maybe you should come along. If Hitsugaya is having trouble dealing with this, it may not be a matter of skill."

"Handling what, Captain?" Rukia asked.

"Oh, it's just Yachiru. Apparently she's been hiding captain-level strength somewhere, because Hitsugaya was barely able to get away long enough to call for assistance. He stressed that that only shinigami that have at least faced a captain in battle longer than a minute should bother to respond."

Ichigo and Rukia blinked and stared at each other.

"You know, suddenly I'm liking my current Division just fine," Rukia said. "So you'd better go put yours in order, Captain Straw-"

Scowling, Ichigo pressed a finger to her lips. "Save it, Rukia. I need you to track down Rangiku and Nemu. It might not be too late to talk Yachiru out of... whatever she's trying to do, and she'll listen to them before anyone else."

Rukia pushed his finger away. "And what are you going to do?"

"Hope I don't have to get involved directly. Seeing me will probably just piss her off even more."

* * *

As another large tremor rocked the Seireitei, Captain Soifon pursed her lips and increased her speed. She was starting to suspect that this matter would not be resolved without her involvement.

Already there was a chaotic whirlwind of activity: everyone was upset about one thing or another, and while none of these things had concerned Soifon specifically, eventually she'd gotten a request (not an order, amazingly enough) from General Yamamoto to "look into the matter."

Before that, though, several unwelcome people had barged into her office, serving only to make complete nuisances of themselves. First (and loudest, as usual) had been Captain Kurotsuchi. He'd practically thrown a tantrum about "two little hooligans" who had completely destroyed his office and much of his Division, and demanded that Soifon do something about it. When she had calmly (barely) asked why she should, his immediate reply was that this was a task for her special forces, as only they would be able to handle the problem. Naturally, she hadn't quite believed him, at least not until runners began pouring in with damage reports and photographic evidence.

Combined with the total destruction of the 11th Division, the situation had earned the rare distinction of having Soifon's full attention. She had immediately gone to see General Yamamoto. He had not seemed all that concerned, and merely suggested that she might want to investigate before he had to make it an order. Soifon had not missed the veiled implication that he would prefer not to lose another Division in the meantime.

It was a little difficult for Soifon to wrap her mind around the idea that Yachiru might be behind all of this destruction, though. Of course, the girl had to have a forceful side to be a successful lieutenant in the 11th Division, and sometimes she had gotten a little too hyper in the Shinigami Women's Association meetings, but nothing that would ever indicate that she was capable of such wide scale destruction.

The thought was still fresh in Soifon's mind when she came to a stop in the middle of what she first mistook as a new walkway. It was odd, because she distinctly remembered that there had been a small guard station there just last month, but did not recall any plans to remove it.

Then she noticed that everything ELSE in the immediate area was curiously missing, or at least, crushed to such a degree that everything for miles around looked like part of some grand new walkway.

A second later, she felt a curious fluctuation in spiritual pressure, and just barely recognized it as Captain Hitsugaya's. It was strange because he usually fought with such reservation and control, but what Soifon was currently detecting indicated that he was in danger of losing, and very much worried by that.

She did not have to look far to find her fellow captain, because in the next moment, Hitsugaya appeared overhead, completely encased in thick ice, save for his face. He landed heavily in front of her, splintering the ground with his increased weight, though the ice surprisingly remained intact.

Before either of them could say a word, there was a high-pitched battle cry, and then something silver and screaming plowed into Hitsugaya's side, shattering much of his ice armor and knocking him to the ground. Even as he scrambled away, the ice rapidly reformed, though not quite as quickly as Soifon had seen it do in the past, which indicated that both Hitsugaya and Hyourinmaru were at their limit.

Yachiru leapt practically out of nowhere, pouncing on the fallen captain with an almost feral grin on her face. "I told you it'd only get worse if you ran from me, Shiro-chan!" she giggled.

Soifion frowned. "Yachiru," she said severely.

The girl blinked and looked up. "Oh, hi! Are you the one Shiro-chan promised would come and fight me next?"

Soifon could tell from Hitsugaya's weary, panicked expression that the correct answer to this was an emphatic "yes," even though she had received no such summon. "I suppose," she said evenly. "But I'll have to insist that you stop destroying Divisions. You already have two under your belt, and General Yamamoto is not amused."

"Well, so long as we fight," Yachiru replied, picking up to object she'd apparently thrown at Hitsugaya. "Go, Suteneko!"

Soifon's eyes widened in shock as a silver cat extracted itself from the ice debris, shaking itself off and yowling in a most irritated fashion.

Then it changed colors, from silver to...

...black.

Which meant that Soifon was expected to do battle with a black cat.

After several moments passed with nothing moving but the restless wind, Suteneko decided it was time for a break. After taking a few minutes to lick itself clean, it stalked over to Sofion, rubbed itself against her ankles, and let loose with a round of contented purring.

When reinforcements arrived minutes later, they would find Yachiru perched on top of a passed out Hitsugaya, trying to determine how best to describe her defeat of two captains, and then put it to music. Nearby, Soifon was fiercely cuddling a black cat, crooning out a heartfelt murmur of "Yoruichi-sama!" every few seconds as the cat rumbled happily and waved its tail.

Matsumoto, who had been the first to arrive, shrugged, whipped out an instant camera that Orihime had give her, and began taking pictures. Then she had to be restrained when the others refused to help her re-position her captain in a variety of funny poses.

**End of Chapter 2.**

* * *

**Next Chapter: Rip Van Kurosaki**

In which Ichigo wakes up to yet another bad situation, Unohana reads Zaraki's will, and Yachiru is presented with a difficult choice.

Endnotes:

Suteneko: abandoned (stray) cat

You might have noticed that I've gone out of my way to give Yachiru an unconventional zanpakuto. I have yet to see a confirmed description of her sword, other than Ikkaku made little wheels for the sheath. So I figured, hey, I'll make one up and make it really, really strange. Should I have done that? It's debatable. But the idea of Yachiru even holding a sword seems wrong to me, and I much prefer the idea of her swinging around a mistreated cat that happens to weigh more than a wrecking ball.

This chapter title inspired by "The Princess and the Pea," which is a story about a girl who ends up sleeping on a bunch of mattresses, which happen to be resting on a pea that is miraculously NOT crushed. Her reward for noticing this astounding fact? Royalty. No, really, they make her a princess based on the idea that she could feel the pea through the mattress pile, and I'm not sure who the bigger freak is in the end: the people in charge, the princess, the people willing to follow her, or the pea.


	3. Rip Van Kurosaki

Notes: It occurs to me that this chapter has a pairing in it. It's not really a serious one, nor is it one I stand firmly behind. Really, it's more funny than anything else. Just so you know.

**Ichigo and the Beanstalk**

**A Bleach Fairy Tale by**

**Nate Grey (XMAN0123-at-aol-dot-com)**

**Chapter 3: Rip Van Kurosaki**

* * *

Once she had worked off most of the energy that had been building up inside of her, Yachiru was perfectly calm, or as calm as she ever got. There was no good way to explain this to anyone, since they kept asking the wrong questions, anyway, so she didn't even try.

Surprisingly, she had gotten off with a literal slap on the wrist, delivered by General Yamamoto himself. He had muttered something about keeping her cat on a leash, made her promise never to never attack an entire Division again, and let her go. Of course, he also charged the 10th Division with keeping an eye on her. Hitsugaya had tried to protest, but Matsumoto had cut him off and insisted that they'd be delighted. Much to Matsumoto's annoyance, her captain had immediately reminded her that she was technically a part of the 11th Division at the moment, and had no say in the matter.

Yachiru hadn't really thought of it at the time, but she was probably a major inconvenience to them. Matsumoto had volunteered her quarters for Yachiru to sleep in, partially because Hitsugaya was eyeing her anxiously after their prolonged battle. Then again, Yachiru probably hadn't helped by clutching onto his arm on the trip over. She couldn't explain why that had comforted her: Hitsugaya was nothing like her Ken-chan, but being close to him made her feel better, and that was all that mattered.

The only problem that Yachiru currently had was that she couldn't sleep. Matsumoto's bed was comfortable and big enough, but there was no way Yachiru would be getting any sleep any time soon. She had too much to think about.

At first, she had been mad at Ichi-kun for killing her Ken-chan, even if he hadn't meant to. Then she'd been mad at Ken-chan for dying and leaving her alone, when he'd promised that he never would. Finally, she'd been mad at herself, because Ken-chan was supposed to be her whole world, but when she had first accepted that he was gone, part of her had immediately thought, "Well, I've still got Ichi-kun." And that made her realize that Ken-chan hadn't been her whole world as of late, and that Ichi-kun was gradually growing in importance in her eyes.

"Am I wrong to feel this way, Suteneko?" Yachiru whispered to the cat sprawled out beside her. "I still miss my Ken-chan, but Ichi-kun would take care of me, if I let him."

The silver cat flicked its tail lazily, enjoying its new freedom far too much to be bothered with responding. Yachiru just hadn't felt like putting it away, and neither of them felt too lonely at the moment, so maybe it was better this way. Anyway, Suteneko's happiness was very important now, since she'd be depending on the cat more than she ever had before.

Sighing, Yachiru reached out and ran her fingers along Suteneko's back. "I can't really stay mad at Ichi-kun," she murmured. "He's... Ichi-kun, you know? He doesn't mean to mess up, and he always fixes things eventually. He might... make a good captain..." She bit her lip, deciding not to follow that line of thinking any further.

Sensing her upset, Suteneko leapt lightly into Yachiru's lap and settled down, brushing its tail against her hand.

"Don't worry, Suteneko," Yachiru said softly. "I won't leave you alone. We promised, remember? Back in the 79th District, I told you that you were my cat, and it's always going to be that way."

Apparently satisfied with that answer, Suteneko then did something quite odd, and simply stared at its owner for several seconds.

At first, Yachiru thought something was wrong with her cat. Then she realized that Suteneko was staring at her arm... which no longer had her lieutenant's armband on it.

"Ichi-kun still has it," she realized with a start. "I should... go get it back soon."

She would definitely get a chance tomorrow afternoon. There was supposed to be a public reading of Ken-chan's will, and Ichi-kun wouldn't miss that, no matter how upset he was with himself.

"So you are still the 11th Division's lieutenant?" Suteneko purred in a voice like silk. "I suggest you start acting like it. Show that silly orange-haired boy that you won't let his mistake chase you off. What would the late Captain Zaraki think of you, if he saw you sitting here, doubting yourself? You may have been following him, but we still earned this position. I don't know about you, but I don't intend to give it up without a fight. What do you want?"

Yachiru shook her head slightly. "I just... want things to be like before."

Suteneko poked Yachiru's chin gently with her long tail. "Do you intend to make that boy your whole world, then? Because that's about the only way things can be as they were. I don't think he'll consent to wearing bells in his hair, though."

"Maybe not, but it'll be fun to try!" Yachiru giggled.

* * *

A large part of being an above average captain involved being sensitive to the feelings and needs of subordinates. Captain Unohana had always felt that way, and it had served her well. Whenever there was a problem involving someone from her Division, it was almost always because an officer from another Division had started it. On the other hand, she had been shocked to learn that some of her officers were so devoted to her, that if anyone even implied something negative about her, they would immediately defend her name at any cost. She had tried to impress upon those individuals that this was not necessary, and that she would prefer they do nothing at all, but even this was met with limited success. Some people respected her too much to do as she asked, it seemed.

At any rate, Unohana had the fewest disciplinary problems in her Division, a fact that inspired her to reward her officers both generously and frequently. This might have been considered a perk, had they been serving under anyone else, but considering how much bullying her officers had to put up with, it was almost required in her eyes.

The most convenient reward was a simple gathering accompanied by refreshments, although everyone else insisted on calling them parties, which they generally became no matter what Unohana did. There really wasn't much she could do, not when there was always a toast to her constant good health and an everlasting reign over the 4th Division.

No matter how "spirited" such events became, there was never too much of a mess (and it wasn't as if her Division did not excel at cleaning; far from it, in fact). For that reason, Unohana had been understandably hesitant when the current leader of the still recovering 11th Division had approached her about hosting a party in the 4th Division.

Unohana had heard a great deal of things about Matsumoto Rangiku, some good and some bad. But the general consensus was that she had always been a highly entertaining person, although exactly what was so entertaining about her was up for debate. However, every officer she spoke to seemed to think that any party hosted by Matsumoto would be an instant success. With so many rave reviews, Unohana had given her permission.

The resulting party was not something Unohana would've ever put together, but it was surprisingly efficient. The underlying theme (which Matsumoto had not mentioned to her) seemed to be giving the fallen Captain Zaraki a proper send-off. There were Zaraki-shaped chocolate chip cookies, cupcakes shaped like Zaraki's head (with licorice for hair), mini pineapples styled to resemble Zaraki's signature hairstyle, and of course, plenty of alcohol.

What was truly amazing was Matsumoto maintained control over the party at all times, even though she herself was very drunk by the end. Any time someone showed signs of getting too rowdy, they were quickly and quietly tossed out, either by Ikkaku or Renji. Curiously, Matsumoto spent much of the party sitting down, drinking and laughing, with her arm draped around the neck of Yamada Hanataro. Why she did so was unclear, and she either did not hear Hanataro's repeated murmurs to be released, or ignored them entirely. At certain points, Hanataro's head was nearly smashed into her considerable cleavage, although Unohana began to suspect that this was not quite an accident.

This idea was pretty much confirmed when Matsumoto finally departed, dragging a weakly protesting Hanataro behind her. If the poor boy had any idea what was really in store for him, Unohana was uncertain whether he would've struggled harder or not at all.

All in all, the party was a big hit with everyone who showed up. One person who did not, much to Unohana's surprise, was Kurosaki Ichigo.

* * *

Ichigo woke up with a rather persistent ache in his back. This was because after Rukia had locked him into her office, he'd found that the one comfortable spot, the visitor's couch, had a very strange spell on it. Anyone who touched it immediately got an extremely itchy rash. Out of respect for Ukitake, Ichigo hadn't ripped the door off its hinges. So he'd been forced to sleep on Rukia's desk.

He'd had all night to think about why Rukia had locked him in. The only thing he could come up with was that she'd just wanted to know exactly where he was, so he couldn't skip out on Zaraki's will reading. Actually, Ichigo had every intention of going to that, although he hadn't said as much to anyone, so he couldn't blame Rukia for worrying.

He could and would blame her for the itchy rash on his arm, as well as the nearly sleepless night, though. Those had been completely unnecessary.

About an hour after Ichigo woke up, the door was unlocked, and Rukia stepped in.

"I'm not one of those damn deformed rabbits you always draw, Rukia! You can't keep me locked up like an animal!" Ichigo snapped as he sat up on the desk, glaring at her.

"Didn't you sleep well?" Rukia asked, smiling sweetly.

"You know damn well I didn't!" he shouted.

"Well, too bad," she replied, crossing the room to stand beside him. "You'll have many nights like that soon enough. Or were you under the impression that captains live carefree lives? Think of this as practice for the real thing, if you like."

"I'd deck you if you weren't a girl," Ichigo grumbled.

Rukia prodded him in the chest with a finger. "That's a flimsy excuse. I've been hit by worse than you and lived to tell about it."

Ichigo arched an eyebrow. "Are you daring me to hit you?"

"No. But I am saying don't lie about the real reason you won't do it. You know I'd break your arm before you got anywhere near me."

This had actually been true at one point, but it was certainly no longer the case. Ichigo was quite certain that he could behead someone Rukia's size with little trouble... and without using Zangetsu, if the notion struck him. But this was hardly the time for such thoughts, and besides, Rukia was right. He would never hit her.

Too hard, anyway.

"Go on and clean up," Rukia ordered as she turned to leave. "We should be there early for the will reading."

Later, Ichigo would come to classify this moment as temporary insanity. Later still, he would deny it had ever even happened. Finally, he would swear it was a nightmare brought on by far too many bad juice boxes.

For whatever reason, he reached out and grabbed Rukia's wrist.

Before Rukia could even think about punching him in the mouth, she suddenly realized that she was trapped in Ichigo's lap. She had NO idea how she'd gotten there, or why she was there, only that she was definitely there now.

Ichigo said nothing as he wrapped his arms around Rukia, embracing her tightly, nearly to the point of pain or possibly suffocation.

Rukia nearly asked what he thought he was doing, until she saw the hopelessly lost look in his eyes. Sighing, she laid her head against his chest, wincing slightly when his chin dropped onto her head with more than a little force. "Ichigo!" she managed to hiss, digging her fingernails into his chest.

But Ichigo continued to hold her (and calling it that was being very, very generous) for several minutes, and Rukia let him, thinking that he simply didn't have it in him to ask her for a hug. And, if he didn't crush her to death, she might even consider letting him do it in the future, provided she was wearing some sort of protective padding.

Naturally, they were still like that when Captain Ukitake stuck his head in, grinning widely. "Well, I can see you two are a little busy," he teased.

"No, we're not!" Rukia cried, trying desperately to free herself from Ichigo's admittedly powerful clutches.

"No need to tear yourself away from him, Rukia," Ukitake laughed kindly. "I just thought we could all go to the will reading together, but I'm sure I'll find someone else to accompany me. I do hope you won't get carried away and miss the event entirely, though..."

"CAPTAIN!" Rukia wailed in total embarrassment as he shut the door. "Ichigo, let me GO!"

Without a word, Ichigo dropped her roughly onto the floor.

"You-!" Rukia growled as she jumped up, ready to strangle him.

"Thanks, Rukia," Ichigo murmured as he brushed past her. He seemed tired now, and for an instant, Rukia wondered if maybe he hadn't slept at all last night, and how much of that might be her fault.

Then, of course, he reached the door, glanced over his shoulder at her and grinned. "Later, Lieutenant Chappy." He was out the door just before a paperweight bounced off of it.

* * *

Hanataro was officially the luckiest man alive. He knew this for certain, when he woke up to find himself in bed next to a very beautiful, very breathtaking, and very nude Matsumoto Rangiku. Currently, she was grinning down at him, her finger tracing lazy circles on his bare chest.

Quite predictably, Hanataro turned bright red.

"Having a flashback?" she teased, her grin growing wider.

In that moment, Hanataro was doing just that. He distinctly remembered gasping for air, and, at the same time, never being happier about the possibility of suffocating. This made absolutely no sense, at first... but then he allowed his eyes to drift downward, away from her face, and suddenly the vision made perfect sense. His face only grew redder.

"You're so cute!" she squealed, crushing his head against her bosom in an overly affectionate embrace.

Hanataro took a deep breath, for all the good it did, and asked a question.

Matsumoto giggled. "That tickles!" Then she realized he was trying to talk to her, and reluctantly released him.

"Why?" Hantaro asked again, being sure to focus on her face.

"Some people are just more sensitive in certain areas, so-"

"I meant... why?" He could not think of a way to express exactly what he meant, but the look on his face spoke volumes.

"You mean, why you and me, last night?" she said. "Well, you're cute. I'm pretty sure I just said that."

Hanataro blinked. "That can't be the only reason." He was silently hoping and praying that she wouldn't mention her drinking too much... even though he was fairly certain that had been part of it.

She just shrugged. "You make me smile."

He stared at her in disbelief. "That's it? There's no other reason?"

Matsumoto frowned at him. "Sometimes, it's all the reason I need. Don't you have any idea how rare that can be in a place like this?"

Still, he remained uncertain. Surely there had been other people at the party that she would've found more than willing, and far more suitable than he. She seemed to like Renji enough, or enough to greet him with a hug, anyway. True, she did that a lot, and everyone seemed to enjoy it, but she didn't HAVE to do it.

"But, Matsumoto-san, I-" he began, only to have her press a finger to his lips.

"I have a little rule, Hana-chan," she said, making him blush again. "You aren't allowed to call me that if I've shared myself with you. And as I recall, I did that, with you, at least three times last night."

More blood rushed to his head, but Hanataro managed to remain upright. "What would you prefer?" he asked quietly.

She leaned back to give the matter some thought, tapping her chin slowly. "Let's see. I make the boys in the 11th call me 'Mistress' or 'Overlord'... if I'm feeling generous. I suppose I can let you get away with 'Ran-chan'... but only if you promise to come visit me once in a while. You can do that, right?"

He nodded without really thinking about it. Something in her eyes wouldn't let him do anything else.

"Great! Now, what did you want to ask me?"

Hanataro was far uneasier about his question now, but he was curious. "You've, um... done this before." It wasn't really a question at all, now that he thought about it. After all, she had a rule, and one didn't come up with such a rule without some experience in that area.

"I have," she replied simply, not looking away from him. "Does it bother you?"

"It's really none of my business, Mat... uh... Ran-chan," he said quickly, making her smile brightly.

"Maybe it is," she disagreed, leaning forward to peck him on the lips. "If it were my first time, it's something I'd want to know about my partner."

His eyes widened. "You knew?"

"It was kind of obvious," she said kindly, laying her head on his shoulder. "You actually made an effort not to stare at my breasts, plus you made this little, um... squeal once I touched your little friend." Noticing his very red face, she grinned and kissed his cheek. "It was VERY cute," she assured him with a straight face.

Hanataro wanted to die. But, at least, he would die happy.

"If it bothers you that much," she said after a moment, sliding a long, shapely leg over his waist, "then I'm sure it's a habit we can rid you of... with plenty of practice."

"But, um, shouldn't we be going to the will reading?" he gasped, feeling slightly silly, especially when a tiny voice somewhere in the back of his head was yelling at him to shut up and let her do whatever she wanted.

Matsumoto laughed, reminding herself that Hanataro was still very new to this. "Oh, I have so very much to teach you, my little Hana-chan," she cooed, nuzzling his neck. "Now, pay attention. This is what I like to call a quickie..."

* * *

Hinamori was feeling more than a little neglected. First, she had gone to Matsumoto's party last night, hoping to see Ichigo. He hadn't shown up. AT ALL. That had been a little annoying. She hadn't seen him since visiting his still (at the time) unconscious body in the 4th Division, immediately after his fight with Captain Zaraki. She understood that he'd been busy after that, what with Yachiru running wild and his Division being destroyed, but still.

Now, she'd found out that Ichigo had gone to see his "friend," Kuchiki Rukia, and had yet to be seen anywhere else. This worried Hinamori. She wasn't sure why: despite being a Kuchiki, Rukia was perfectly pleasant most of the time, unless she was around Ichigo or Renji, in which case she tended to become annoyed rather quickly, and even violent. Amazingly, this seemed to be a huge turn-on for both Ichigo and Renji, because they spent so much time around Rukia that it was maddening to anyone else who tried to figure out the attraction. Like Hinamori, for example.

It wasn't as if Ichigo wasn't allowed to visit his friends. But his possibly staying overnight with them... the thought scared Hinamori. Again, she had no idea why, but somehow, she suspected that she wanted Ichigo to be staying overnight with HER. What they would do, she had no idea, but just being around Ichigo was generally enough for her.

Why, then, did he seem to be avoiding her?

But no, that couldn't be right. For Ichigo to be avoiding her, she would have to be at the forefront of his thoughts. And Hinamori felt certain, unfortunately, that this was not the case. She had not seen Ichigo because she was the furthest thing from his thoughts, she knew.

She couldn't understand what had gone wrong. Hadn't he approached her? Hadn't he been interested in spending time with her? What had changed his mind? Hinamori had assumed that Captain Zaraki's death would cause Ichigo to seek comfort in someone's arms. She had hoped the arms would be hers, but apparently, they were Rukia's.

It didn't make sense to her. Why was Ichigo drawn to people that he did nothing but fight with? And if that was the case, what had drawn him to her? Could his staying away from her actually be an attempt to provoke her into fighting with him? It seemed incredibly farfetched, yet it also seemed likely. His showing interest and then suddenly staying away HAD upset her, and once Hinamori DID find him, she was very likely to do some shouting, at the very least. If Ichigo responded in the same way, she would be proven right. If not... well, she had no idea what she'd do then.

Stalking. There was an idea (didn't matter where it had come from, either). Ichigo was horrible at suppressing his spiritual pressure, was only slightly better at detecting that of other shinigami, and had yet to show any considerable skill with kido. Hinamori would have no problem following him around without being sensed. Why, she could even purposely complicate her lessons so that it took Ichigo even longer to learn kido, forcing him to spend more time with her. Of course, if it got too complex, he would likely find another teacher. But would he? He had seemed very worried about her, so... maybe if she cried a little...

Hinamori realized with a start that this was not something she ever would've considered doing before... well, before. But now... now, she was desperate, and lonely, and needy. Ichigo made her feel better, and she wanted to feel better. Maybe if she could make him understand that, he would stop hiding so much.

That was when the answer Hinamori had been seeking finally popped into her head. Ichigo was most likely going to become a captain soon. And even if he didn't, he was going to need support to resume his duties. One thing Hinamori had noticed over the years was that a single opening in the Gotei 13 usually led to a whole mess of transfers. Officers got comfortable, and when new people were abruptly introduced, conflicts arose, and more often than not, senior officers were placed where they could quickly ease the tension.

All Hinamori had to do was ensure that she ended up working closely with Ichigo. Perhaps it was time to stop ignoring Hitsugaya. If she could convince him that being near Ichigo was good for her, she was certain he'd do everything in his power to make it happen. It wasn't the most honest tactic, but honesty, in Hinamori's mind, was something she now considered to be far less important to her survival. Anyway, she wasn't lying outright. She DID need to be with Ichigo, even if she was the only one who believed it.

* * *

Hitsugaya had experienced many sleepless nights during his career.

None of those had compared to the single night he'd spent watching over Yachiru.

Admittedly, he'd been a bit biased. His body still ached and complained from fighting with her (although running from her was a more accurate description). He'd expected Yachiru to be bouncing off of the walls. Not only was that normal for her, but their latest encounter had proved to him that she was capable of far, far worse.

He had been shocked to find that, for most of the night, Yachiru had been quiet and reflective, staring into space and barely even moving at all.

In short, she'd been utterly boring. Hitsugaya had consequently fallen asleep while watching her (although his weariness from the fight didn't help much, either).

He'd snapped awake hours later, only to find early morning sunlight streaming in through the window, almost taunting him. He also found Suteneko curled up neatly in his lap.

There was no sign of Yachiru. She was just... gone.

Hitsugaya had very nearly panicked, until Yachiru walked in with a large, sweet-smelling bag. He maintained that it held sugar and nothing else, but she insisted that the bag was full of mini doughnuts. There was no difference in his mind: everything the "food" touched was coated in powdered sugar, including fingers, lips, and small portions of his favorite rug.

Still mourning the loss of his rug, Hitsugaya had little choice but to accompany Yachiru to the reading of Zaraki's will. She had to be there, of course, and he had to watch her, so it was not up for discussion. But he was in no way inclined to make her life easier, and so purposely walked at a slow pace. Several times she doubled back and tried to drag him along, calling him "slowpoke" and "grumpypants" when he snapped at her. Strangely, she avoided calling him "Shiro-chan" again, and he could only assume that she saved that particular pet name for when she was pleased with him. The idea that she might never be able to call him that again was immensely relieving.

It was then, perhaps in a perfect example of irony, that Hinamori appeared, with an unusually bright smile on her face. Instead of avoiding him entirely, as had become her recent habit, she walked right up to him, looped her arm through his, and encouraged Yachiru to do the same. In this manner, the two young women practically dragged him to the will reading. Normally, Hitsugaya would've said something, but he was all too aware of Hinamori's fragile condition, and was not about to do anything that might discourage her.

Neither he nor Yachiru noticed the triumphant gleam in Hinamori's eyes.

* * *

Ichigo was worried. At the very least, the top two officers of every Division were to be present at the will reading. In the case of the 11th, that would mean Yachiru and himself... normally. Only now, it was technically Matsumoto ("overlord," as she put it, was below captain but above lieutenant) and Yachiru. But that was assuming Yachiru still considered herself a lieutenant. If not, then it was down to Matsumoto and Ichigo, both of whom were present.

Much to Ichigo's annoyance, Matsumoto had shown up "fashionably late," tugging Hanataro along behind her. For some reason, she was glowing, and Ichigo strongly suspected it had something to do with the somewhat unkempt state of her hair, as well as the permanent blush on Hanataro's face. He decided it was best to not ask, especially when Matsumoto gave him a flirty wink, as if to say, "You had your chance."

The situation wouldn't have bothered Ichigo so much, if Yachiru had been there. The more time that passed without his spotting a pink head of hair, the more anxious he became. She was probably very upset with him, but surely she wouldn't skip Zaraki's will reading just because of that.

At any rate, the room was surprisingly crowded. Granted, most of the people present were wounded 11th Division officers that had limped over from the 4th Division, but it was still impressive. A fair number of officers from the 10th Division had shown up as well, but Ichigo could only assume that they were missing their lieutenant.

"She's going to be here, you know," Matsumoto said suddenly, reaching out to squeeze Ichigo's hand briefly. "I'm sure of it."

Ichigo just nodded slowly, saying nothing. Already, he'd made up his mind. If Yachiru was so distraught that she couldn't even bring herself to show up, then he had no right accepting the position. All of this was his fault, after all.

Finally, Yachiru appeared with Hinamori, dragging a resigned-looking Hitsugaya between them. They planted him next to Matsumoto before splitting up, Hinamori to join her Division, and Yachiru pretty much staying where she was.

Neither Ichigo nor Yachiru said a word as their eyes locked. Ichigo wanted to apologize, but the words stuck in his throat, and didn't seem to be nearly enough. Yachiru was almost frighteningly composed, her face carefully neutral as she gazed up at him.

After several minutes, Yachiru slowly extended her hand. "My armband," she said quietly. "I need it back."

Ichigo flinched as he began to remove the armband. "Right," he muttered.

A pained look flashed across Yachiru's face, but it was gone instantly. "It's nothing personal," she said quickly. "I just need it. I'm still a lieutenant."

He seemed a little surprised at that, but Ichigo nodded once and handed the armband to her. "Okay."

Her fingertips brushed his as she took it back, far more than they needed to. "I know you didn't mean it, Ichi-kun," she said softly. Then she quickly turned away to reattach the armband, but it was surprisingly difficult with tears in her eyes. Thankfully, Hanataro saw she was having trouble, and bent down to help her. Yachiru gave him a watery smile, just before she turned to Matsumoto and whispered a bit too loudly, "Be gentle; he looks like he could break easy."

Shaking his head, Ichigo put a sympathetic arm around Hanataro's shoulders. The young man was looking pretty faint, and Ichigo couldn't tell if he were more likely to pass out on the spot or run away in embarrassment.

* * *

Captain Unohana would've preferred to read Captain Zaraki's will in advance, but it just hadn't been possible. For one thing, a captain's will could only be viewed by General Yamamoto before public release, and periodically edited by that same captain. Aside from that, she and her Division had been far too busy taking care of the 11th Division's many injuries.

Out of all the captains, she was probably the one that had spent the most time around Captain Zaraki, and consequently, she was the one who knew him best. That was probably why she'd been asked to read his will, but it was also very likely that everyone else had refused to.

The moment she had the will spread out in front of her on the podium, Unohana began to regret her acceptance of this duty. She recognized Zaraki's handwriting easily enough: bold, rough, and peppered throughout with cursing. Naturally, the will was full of both admiration and contempt for whoever had managed to kill Zaraki, and went on for some length about how his killer should have to go through several "initiations" (mostly just duels with all of the 11th Division's top seated officers). But even that was pointless now; Ichigo had beaten them all when they were in perfect health, and now that most were injured, they stood no chance against him.

In the end, Unohana decided to summarize and paraphrase heavily; she was not going to spew curses at her audience, nor was she going to order that Ichigo be dragged into the street and beaten like a dog. Anyway, it was up to General Yamamoto to enforce the conditions of the will; anything he didn't approve of was effectively forgotten entirely.

Fortunately, everyone seemed to expect this, so no one was really surprised when she began with, "Captain Zaraki's words were often like the man himself: harsh, cold as steel, and to the point. In that spirit, I will move directly into our departed captain's last wishes."

There were no complaints, not even from the 11th Division. It seemed everyone was eager to find out just what Captain Zaraki had to pass on, and to whom it would go. Unohana was curious herself, and the first few items were just what she'd expected them to be.

"To the... ah, gifted person ("incredibly lucky bastard") that defeated ("cheated") Captain Zaraki, the captain wishes to pass on his name and title: Kenpachi."

The crowd began to murmur, and all eyes moved to Kurosaki Ichigo, who had his head down and was trembling slightly. No one was at all surprised when Kuchiki Rukia suddenly appeared beside him and took his hand in hers. Unohana had to make a considerable effort to keep herself from smiling as she moved on.

"To Madarame Ikkaku, 4th Seat of the 11th Division, the captain leaves his eye patch, provided that the officer grows strong enough to need it."

Ikkaku slowly approached the stage, accepting the eye patch from her with obvious reverence.

"To Ayasegawa Yumichika, 5th Seat of the 11th Division, the captain leaves his bells, provided that the officer does not wear them merely for the purpose of fashion."

Yumichika walked up with a rather pouty look on his face, but still seemed pretty excited about getting his well-manicured hands on the bells.

"To Kurosaki Ichigo, 3rd Seat of the 11th Division, the captain has left his zanpakuto. It is his wish that the officer will continue to grow stronger and stronger."

Quite a few people were disturbed by that possibility, and Ichigo was among them.

"Finally, to Kusajishi Yachiru, Lieutenant of the 11th Division, the captain leaves his fighting spirit, provided the officer stays on as Lieutenant, until she is either promoted or killed in battle."

Actually, the final item on the list was "all the hatred I can possibly muster" to Captain Kurotsuchi, but Unohana felt it best to leave that part out (she was slightly amused by the knowing wink that General Yamamoto gave her at that point).

Hitsugaya was the only one alarmed by the last item, because he didn't know what scared him more: the idea that Zaraki had possessed Yachiru already, or the idea that Zaraki's strength would be added to the power that had defeated two captains.

**End of Chapter 3.**

* * *

**Next Chapter: The Cat, The Shopkeeper, and the Wardrobe**

In which Ichigo makes some final preparations in the human world for his promotion, including: lunch with Chad, a trip to Urahara's shop, and a missed visit with Orihime and Tatsuki.

Endnotes:

You can suck your teeth and douse your eyes with bleach all you want, but I won't take back that scene with Hanataro and Rangiku, no matter what you say. Why? Honestly, I have no idea. But I think it's cute, so there. And yes, I know "Hana" means "flower." I TOLD you it was cute.

Hinamori is getting just a WEE bit nuts, but I don't think she'll hurt anyone, except possibly herself, unintentionally.

I couldn't think of anything else that Zaraki owned and might want to pass on to someone. I almost had him give Yumichika his hairstyle...

About the Kenpachi thing. I realize that's a name Zaraki gave to himself. Yet, at the same time, I also feel that if there were a greater swordsman in the Soul Society, and he was like, "Uh, NO," then nobody else would consider Kenpachi a part of Zaraki's name. So if there IS a greater swordsman, he either doesn't care or agrees that Zaraki deserved that title. (Yes, this will probably lead to a Kurosaki Kenpachi joke later on...)

This chapter title inspired by "Rip Van Winkle," which is a story about a lazy bum that hates to work. He gets drunk, takes a nap, sleeps for decades, then wakes up to find himself an old man in a town he barely recognizes as his home. Not exactly filled with action, but nice if you enjoy confused old men and strangers with magical booze, I guess.


	4. The Cat, The Shopkeep, and The Wardrobe

Notes: This chapter is late... because I spent a few days looking up name meanings for certain characters, and trying to relate them somewhat to their zanpakuto. And now that I know what I know, I have this to say: I am closer to making a choice, although I don't expect many of you will be happy with it, in which case, write your own fanfic and show me how it's done, cuz I'm totally winging it.

**Ichigo and the Beanstalk**

**A Bleach Fairy Tale by**

**Nate Grey (XMAN0123-at-aol-dot-com)**

**Chapter 4: The Cat, The Shopkeeper, and the Wardrobe**

* * *

If there was one day that would always stand out in Suteneko's mind, it was the day she received a name, a purpose, an owner, and a home.

Prior to that point, her life, or at least what she could recall of it, had been filled with heartbreak, loneliness, and terrible pain. In fact, it was entirely accurate to say that skulking her way through the 79th District, surviving on trash, and outrunning the truly desperate was the high point of her life. To one like Suteneko, who had once known the warm embrace of an owner, only to suddenly be abandoned for no clear reason, this life was preferable. She expected no kindness from such people, and she got none.

The life of an alley cat suited her, or at least she made the best of it. She knew which trash made her fur fall out in clumps, which helped stop bleeding, and which left her feeling full for days.

Gradually, Suteneko came to realize that she was dead. On the occasions that she failed to find food in a timely manner, she grew weaker, but with a few hours of sleep, the pangs were reduced to mere annoyances. Food itself always tasted substandard at best, even when it was fresh. She found that she ate more out of habit than need, and that food only gave her so much energy. Ironically, running and fighting other animals seemed to give her more strength, and so that became her main source of nourishment.

As a rule, Suteneko did not approach humans, nor did she allow them to approach her. She refused to trust one again, and the ones she came across generally only saw her as a pest or food.

It was strange, that she'd allowed Zaraki and Yachiru to get as close at they did. But they'd seemed so very strange: a tall, lanky swordsman, being closely followed by a tiny pinkhaired girl with an ever-present smile. Suteneko could not understand why they were together, as they had nothing in common, other than obviously being poor.

Yachiru had spotted her first, partially because she was lower to the ground, and partially because she was the only one of them searching for something. "Ken-chan, a kitty!" she'd squealed, pointing excitedly. "Can I have it, pretty please?"

Zaraki had only spared Suteneko a single glance, never even slowing down. "You wouldn't like the taste," he said simply.

Yachiru had pouted. "I don't want it for eating! I want it for keeping!"

"A cat is not a sword. What good would it do you, Yachiru? Let's keep moving."

But Yachiru had not moved on. Not right away, at least. Instead, she had reached into her pocket, and produced a small piece of cheese.

Incredibly, Suteneko had immediately understood the child's logic. Cats ate mice, and mice ate cheese. Suteneko had never eaten a cheese-flavored mouse, although she had eaten cheese, and found it to be acceptable. This in no way inclined her to take cheese from a human child, though, and her body language must have said as much.

"Ken-chan says I need a sword, not a kitty," Yachiru had said. "But I bet you'd made a great sword. You're strong, and you're all alone, just like us. If you'll be my sword when I need you to be, then you can be my kitty for the rest of the time. That way I'll always have some use for you. So will you come with me, kitty?"

It was the idea of being a sword that had intrigued Suteneko the most. There were only so many different opponents in the 79th District, most of whom she'd defeated already. She wanted new challenges, and she would not find them there. To her knowledge, humans did not typically throw away swords (she had never seen one in the trash, at least), so there was a good chance she would not be abandoned, if she were a sword.

If Suteneko had based her decision on first impressions, their encounter would've ended right there. Yachiru did not strike her as the responsible type, just overly affectionate at the moment... exactly like her former owner, in other words. And maybe because Suteneko had been alive at the time, she had not been able to predict that her first owner would eventually lose interest, and then forget her entirely. But her senses were stronger now, and despite her hesitation, all of them were indicating that Yachiru, for some strange reason, should be her next and final owner.

From the very start, Yachiru proved to be an attentive owner. She always split her food evenly with Suteneko, although most of it Suteneko ended up refusing, since she did not share the girl's sweet tooth. When Zaraki could be persuaded into getting them new clothes, he was especially grumpy about having to get little cloaks and collars for Suteneko, but Yachiru always insisted. Yachiru would not even go to sleep unless Suteneko was curled up on her stomach, or at her side.

Zaraki did not appear to like cats in general, and was constantly reminding Yachiru that Suteneko had no sword-like qualities. Suteneko assumed he was jealous and preferred to be number one in Yachiru's eyes, but he also had a point. She had agreed to be Yachiru's sword as well, and so far, had done nothing to that effect.

Ironically, it was due to Zaraki's overwhelming spiritual pressure that both Yachiru and Suteneko became much more powerful. Simply being in his presence all day, every day had an enormous impact on their strength. Discovering that made Suteneko curious, and she soon found that her own spiritual pressure worked on a similar principle: releasing it made Zaraki's own more bearable, while conserving it made her feel as if she were slowly but surely being crushed. Beyond that, she could increase her weight at will, to the point where she could break steel with little or no momentum. With the added benefit of Yachiru's own strength, Suteneko became virtually unstoppable.

Still, though, Suteneko was not a sword, and would never fool anyone into believing that she was. But that would all change, due to a mysterious incident that none of the three could fully explain, even to this day.

Suteneko maintained that she'd fallen asleep, and Zaraki's spiritual pressure had finally become so strong that it compressed her body into another dimension entirely. Yachiru preferred to believe that their training and combined strong will to shape her into a sword simply made it happen naturally. And Zaraki just believed that the "dumb animal" had stuffed itself into a sheath.

At any rate, when Suteneko woke up, she found herself in a very strange room. It was pink all over, from the thick carpeting to the field of cherry blossoms that grew, impossibly, from the walls and ceiling themselves. Inside were pink, rubber mice the size of tanks, pink litter boxes with helpful instructions in large, neon letters ("POOP IN ME!"), and pink, life-sized scratching posts that all looked like Zaraki. In the center of it all was a pink, fluffy cushion with Yachiru's beaming face on it.

A whole hour had passed before Suteneko heard Yachiru crying out for her, felt a sharp tug on her tail, and suddenly found herself back in her owner's arms, along with a black sheath. Zaraki looked thoroughly disappointed, perhaps hoping she'd run away, but Yachiru was immensely relieved to have her cat back.

None of them could explain the room that seemed to exist inside of the sheath (or where the sheath itself had come from): only Suteneko could enter it, and when she did, the end of her tail apparently became a sword hilt, or perhaps it was just connected to the hilt. Yet she was under no such restriction once inside the room, and could move about it freely, at least until she was summoned back to Yachiru's side.

Suteneko eventually stopped questioning it, and accepted it as another aspect of their partnership. She found that no one else could explain the connection, either: once Yachiru began attending the academy for shinigami, she asked several teachers to explain her sheath to her. But after she had fully described it, most of them just assumed she had a vivid imagination, patted her on the head, and told her to go practice her stances.

For a time, Suteneko had merely slept inside of the room, occasionally rising to do battle with the Zaraki scratching posts, or to pounce on the mice when she was bored. Yachiru had not required her assistance, so there wasn't much else to do. But at no point did she feel abandoned or betrayed. She could always sense the overwhelming presence of Zaraki's spiritual pressure nearby, and beneath that, or perhaps within it, Yachiru's own. Those served to remind Suteneko of their agreement, and so she waited patiently for the day when Yachiru would call for her aid in battle.

Yachiru had kept her word, just as Suteneko had believed she would. There were plenty of new opponents within the Gotei 13, and any of them would prove a fine test for Suteneko's strength, after sleeping for so long. She was especially anxious to again face the dragon of ice that had so thoroughly entertained her...

* * *

Matsumoto frowned as she leaned back in her big, comfy chair. It was a captain's chair, so it was very nice, and it was Zaraki's old chair, so it was also HUGE. It was a nice combination for someone such as Matsumoto, who very much enjoyed sitting, laying about, and generally being lazy when time allowed. Which was not to say that she wasn't a hard worker, just that the woman could be paid to be lazy; she was that good at it.

"Say that again, Ichi-kun," she murmured, certain she'd heard wrong.

On the other side of the desk, Ichigo sighed and actually fidgeted. She had never seen him do that, and while it was cute, it was also worrisome. Even when Ichigo was worried, he did not generally fidget. He might attack things, or snap at people, or barricade himself inside his quarters, but he did not fidget. It was something new, and in a time of such uncertainty, new was not necessarily good.

"I want to go home for a few days," he repeated. "Probably more than three, but definitely less than a week."

"And your reason for this is?" she asked, genuinely curious. Already Matsumoto planned to let him go, but she had to offer some excuse to General Yamamoto.

"I need to put some things in order," Ichigo replied. "Make some arrangements. You know." He paused uncertainly, and then added in a firm tone, "Stuff."

"Well, I don't know," Matsumoto sighed, pretending to think it over. "I can't just have one of my best officers wandering around out there, as I'm sure you know. It would be different if you had a destination in mind, say, Orihime-chan's apartment, somewhere like that..."

Ichigo scowled at her. "I'll be sure to pay her a visit," he muttered.

"I also hear shopping is good this time of year."

"Fine! I'll stop by Urahara's, too! I was going there, anyway!"

"Really? Great!" Matsumoto chirped. "Oh, and there's one other thing."

"Yeah?" Ichigo asked warily, taking a step back.

"I need porn."

"WHAT!"

"I. Need. Porn." She sighed and drummed her fingers along the edge of her desk. "It's for Hana-chan, you see. He doesn't know ANYTHING about pleasing a woman, except for what I've shown him already, and it seems we're going to need some very detailed guides. And since you're going, anyway, I thought you could do me a solid and pick up some porn."

"That's not something you just ASK a guy," Ichigo grumbled.

"Oh, but I'm not asking," Matsumoto answered at once. "You do it, or you don't go. It's that simple. It's an order!" She beamed at him. "Oh, and I'm sending Yachiru with you, to make sure you do it."

Ichigo's scowl became a horrified gape as Yachiru bounced into the room and latched onto his hand. "You're evil, Rangiku. She's a little girl! You can't just TELL her about... um..." He shot a worried glance down at the girl.

"C'mon, Ichi-kun!" Yachiru said excitedly. "Let's go get a girly book for Ran-chan!"

Matsumoto just barely kept herself from snickering.

"You're evil," Ichigo repeated as Yachiru dragged him to the door. "Evil!"

The 11th Division Overlord only smiled at him. "Just get me my porn and shut up, Ichi-kun. You're not in charge yet."

* * *

Rukia did not usually take lunch breaks. More often than not, she simply worked through them, forgetting to eat at all, and had to be forced out of the office by Captain Ukitake several hours later. Today, though, he'd cornered her early, and threatened to tell the whole Division about her "steamy embrace" with Ichigo if she didn't take a proper lunch break like everyone else.

It was silly, since there was really nothing to deny, but Rukia had gone, anyway. People made enough assumptions about her and Ichigo, and even more talk might eventually hurt his chances (or her own) at finding someone. Ichigo was still pretty sensitive at the moment, but strangely enough, Yachiru appeared to be in a far better mood. Perhaps now that the will reading was behind them, she was trying to move on. If it was an act, then she was a terribly good actress.

Having never taken a lunch break on time, Rukia wasn't really sure where to go. She mostly wandered around until she saw something that totally captured her attention.

Captain Hitsugaya, Hinamori, and Hanataro all appeared to be... jogging. Rukia had found this to be a strange trend even back in Ichigo's world, and she could not imagine what would possess them to do it here, much less together. Supposedly it was very healthy, but it only seemed to generate sweat, and in certain clothing, catcalls, both of which were unwanted.

Hinamori, apparently the healthiest of the three, was in the lead, and often had to turn back to encourage the other two. Hitsugaya and Hanataro both looked very weary. Hitsugaya in particular seemed as if he'd missed out on some sleep, while Hanataro would occasionally wince as if very sore.

Rukia watched them circle an empty courtyard for several minutes, at the end of which she realized that over half of her lunch was gone. Apparently jogging was not much fun to do, but quite fun to watch. Although, Rukia didn't feel like she'd had any fun, but how else could she have gotten through her meal so quickly? Shrugging, she ate the rest of her lunch, nearly choking on it when poor Hanataro collapsed three times in one minute. But Hinamori wouldn't let him stop, and Rukia finally decided to step in and save him.

She'd only taken two steps when Hantaro's head whipped towards her, and a very relieved grin spread across his sweaty face. "Rukia-san! I left some paperwork in your office, didn't I? Don't worry, I'll get it right now!" And before anyone could move to stop him, he ran off.

Realizing that he'd been left to suffer alone, Hitsugaya immediately sat down and refused to budge, even when Hinamori started poking him in the ribs repeatedly.

"Should you really be doing that to a captain?" Rukia asked.

"I should when said captain is being a big baby," Hinamori replied. "He's the one that's been in a funk ever since Yachiru beat him up. I was just trying to get him back into fighting shape, and now he doesn't want to do anything at all."

"Maybe he just needs a break?" Rukia suggested mildly.

"Well, it looks like we're not going to get anything else done here, anyway," Hinamori sighed. "So I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning, Shiro-chan?"

Hitsugaya made a rather rude gesture and stomped off towards the 10th Division.

"It's almost like he doesn't appreciate my help," Hinamori huffed, placing her hands on her hips. "I was just trying to do something nice for him..."

"Some captains have more trouble than others in appreciating how much easier lieutenants make their lives. And since you're not his lieutenant, it's possible that Captain Hitsugaya doesn't quite know how to thank you." Rukia thought this was a rather nice way of saying that Hinamori probably wouldn't be getting that thank you anytime soon.

"Is Ichigo like that, too?" Hinamori asked suddenly.

Rukia blinked slowly. "Ichigo almost never says it... to me, anyway. But he at least attempts to show it, occasionally."

"Really? How?" the shorter girl asked. "Flowers? Candy? Moonlit walks? Sleepovers?"

"I... wait, what was that last one?"

"I bet he's really sensitive deep down, huh?" Hinamori murmured, a strange smile on her lips.

Rukia stared at her. "Uh... are we still talking about Ichigo? He's about as sensitive as a brick."

"Oh, so he's NOT your type, then?"

There was something so very wrong with that statement, Rukia decided. Probably it had something to do with the dangerous flash that passed through Hinamori's eyes at the same moment.

"No, he's not," Rukia said slowly.

Hinamori instantly brightened. "That's too bad," she answered, patting Rukia's arm in what she seemed to think was a soothing manner, but was actually somewhat painful and unwelcome. "I'm sure there's someone out there for you, though. You know... someone ELSE."

"Sure," Rukia agreed quietly, fighting off the urge to back away slowly. She didn't like where the conversation was headed, or the way Hinamori was looking at her, so she said something that was, perhaps, not a good idea. "Hinamori, maybe YOU'RE Ichigo's type?"

Hinamori let out a sound that was half gasp, half squeal. "You really think so?!"

"I could be wrong, but he certainly isn't interested in me. I think you should go find him... right now... and try to find out."

At that point, both girls ran away from each other, Hinamori to find Ichigo, and Rukia to warn Matsumoto that maybe keeping Hinamori far from Ichigo would be a good idea. Had Rukia not been so worried, though, she might have remembered that it was terribly easy to find Ichigo, especially for a kido master like Hinamori...

* * *

Ichigo had done some questionable things in his life, but allowing Yachiru to accompany him on a quest for porn had to be one of the worst on the list. The fact that he'd been ordered to do so made him feel a little less guilty, but he was not going to let Rangiku forget this any time soon.

But the really strange part was that Yachiru seemed so... excited about their mission. Ichigo was aware that Captain Zaraki hadn't been a model parent, but he could not imagine that Zaraki would've allowed Yachiru to view porn. She hadn't even known the difference between head hair and pubic hair until Ichigo had been forced to explain it to her a while back (and even then she only confused herself further by calling head hair "public hair").

Still, there was no mistaking that Yachiru seemed like her old self again, and just days after Zaraki's death, even. Ichigo had no idea what had caused the change, but then he was just relieved that Yachiru no longer minded being around him.

In fact, she was actually following him quite a bit. They had not parted since meeting with Rangiku, and that had been almost three hours ago. Yachiru had even barged into his reserved room in the 4th Division, after Ichigo mistakenly assumed she would leave him alone then. It wasn't that he minded, it was just that he never thought to invite a girl into his room (Rukia didn't count, since she also tended to barge in, and had even written her name on his closet as a private joke).

Unfortunately, Yachiru's presence made it incredibly difficult for Ichigo to pack for the trip. She demanded a full explanation for everything that he intended to bring along, especially the more personal items, such as the paperweight shaped like a daisy that Yuzu had made for him, the official Karakura Superheros watch that Karin had given him ("It's crap," she'd said, "but it was free crap, and you're always late, Ichigo."), and a Chappy the Rabbit lunch box from Rukia (he often let Yachiru borrow it to store her candy in, but Rukia would kill him if he actually gave it away for good).

As with most of Ichigo's duties, it was best to distract Yachiru while he worked, just to keep her busy and out of the way. He flipped open the lunch box and pulled out a bag of candy nearly as big as his head, tossing it into her lap before he turned back to packing.

Yachiru gasped in delight and blew him a noisy kiss before tearing into the bag, sending empty wrappers flying in every direction as she shoved candy into her mouth. Amazingly, this did little to prevent her from talking. "You're the best, Ichi-kun!" she said in a surprisingly clear voice.

Ichigo frowned as he pulled some clothes from his closet. "So you're not mad at me anymore? Or sad at me? Or... whatever you were before?" he asked, purposely keeping his back to her.

"No!" Yachiru chirped, smacking her lips loudly as she found some chocolate. "It's not what Ken-chan would've wanted, so I'm done with feeling bad. Anyway, you're going to need my help, and I can't help anyone if I'm sitting around doing nothing."

"It's okay, you know," he said quietly. "If you want to hate me. I deserve it."

"I can't," Yachiru replied, emitting the occasional crunch as she started taking down lollipops in just one bite.

"No, you can. It's not-"

"I really can't," she insisted, pausing for a moment. "I can't be mad at you now, Ichi-kun. Not for long, anyway."

"Why not?"

"You're my whole world now," she answered simply. "If I get mad at you, who's going to make me feel better?"

Ichigo took a deep, shaky breath. "Yachiru..."

"It's okay, Ichi-kun," she added softly. "This is what Ken-chan wants. I'm sure of it."

Ichigo didn't know what to say. Of all the ways he hadn't wanted to replace Zaraki, this had to be one of the biggest. What was he supposed to do? Let Yachiru ride around his back and pretend that Zaraki hadn't done it first? He couldn't do that, and he didn't want to. It wouldn't have been right. So why couldn't Yachiru see that?

"Why are you afraid, Ichigo?" said a gruff voice from behind him. "This girl is no threat to you."

"It's not that easy, Zangetsu-sama," Ichigo said, turning to face the hazy form standing near his sword. "Zaraki was too important. I can't let Yachiru forget about him."

Zangetsu shook his head. "A child does not easily forget her parent, Ichigo. As clearly as you recall your mother's face, do you honestly believe that Yachiru can forget Zaraki? She would not allow that to happen, and neither would he."

"But she's trying to replace him already!"

"Every Division needs a captain. The longer one goes without a clear leader, the more disorganized it becomes. Yachiru is only doing what she must, for herself and the Division. She is recognizing you as her leader. It is your duty to become the leader that she is seeking, not only because she is asking it of you, but because you know that Zaraki would've demanded it of you. To turn your back on that is to forget him and everything he represented. Now, tell me again who is danger of forgetting him?"

* * *

Kon was a modified soul, not an actor. He was a perfect body double for Ichigo, considering he HAD Ichigo's actual body, but they had two completely different personalities, and anyone who had known either for five minutes could almost immediately tell them apart.

To Kon's credit, he had tried to fool people. And since Ichigo was prone to unpredictable moods every now and then, it had taken about five days for Karin to figure out that Kon was a fake. Yuzu figured it out in just over a week, and the old man (it was the only way Kon could think of him, since he insisted on acting so young and looking a fool all the while) had probably always known. But they'd just accepted it, although Kon had no idea why.

Yuzu had started calling him "fake Ichi-nii," Karin mostly used variations of "Hey, you," and the old man still called him "son" like it was the most natural thing in the world. It might've been nice if it wasn't so... weird.

Outside of the Kurosaki home, though, Ichigo's small group of friends had helped Kon keep up the illusion, at least long enough to get him through the rest of high school. Orihime had formed a study group to help Kon keep up, but they quickly discovered that between Kon's short attention span (especially around pretty girls like Orihime) and his being stuck in various objects for most of his existence, his knowledge of school subjects would never earn him a passing grade.

Uryu had finally just proposed a system of cheating on exam days, which consisted mostly of simultaneous disturbances: Orihime passing out and knocking heads with an unfortunate student on the way down (they always got the worst of it), Chad accidentally falling out of the window nearest his desk, or Uryu discretely shooting rubber bands at the teacher. As a last resort, Tatsuki would ask to be excused and then "accidentally" trip and punch the teacher in the head (that had worked only twice, but Kon got a perfect score both times).

Graduation had been a huge relief on them all, in more ways than one. Ichigo's friends still helped Kon out occasionally, but because they WERE Ichigo's friends, it was hard seeing a virtual stranger walk around in his body, acting completely different from the sour faced boy they knew. Perhaps they wouldn't have felt so strongly about it if Kon didn't have such a grating personality to begin with, but he wasn't about to change for anyone, not unless there was some added incentive. Orihime had taken Ichigo's absence particularly badly, to the point where she suddenly left town, and for a while not even Tatsuki could locate her. Kon had bawled like a baby for a whole day, worrying that he'd never see his busty goddess again, but he'd mostly gotten over it after he and Chizuru had gone looking for cute girls at the mall.

Overall, Kon decided that Ichigo had a pretty decent life, and was a fool to run away from it. Of course, since Ichigo got to see Rukia all the time, Kon couldn't really blame him, but still, there was plenty to enjoy. Karin was a little annoying with her constant snooping, but Yuzu mostly stayed out of his way, so long as he was home for dinner on time. The constant attacks from the old man were pointless, though: Kon was an instinctive creature, and after he'd injured the old man several times by accident, Karin had taken to coming up from behind with a frying pan and knocking her father out before Kon nearly killed him yet again.

This wasn't to say that they got along, just that both Kon and Karin knew the old man was wasting his time (and shortening his life). That was also about the only thing they agreed on.

Yuzu was determined to act as if her fake brother was really just keeping Ichigo's seat warm, and occasionally tried to include him in family activities, just like she would the real Ichigo. But Karin was determined to find out exactly what had happened to her brother, and how much Kon had to do with it. Kon's frequent displays of scary leg strength had in no way helped his case, either.

In other words, Kon was in no way surprised when he woke up from his afternoon nap (cruising for babes with Chizuru was hard work, after all) to find Karin sitting on his chest.

"I'm going to find out what you are," she told him in her no-nonsense tone (actually, she didn't seem to have any other, as far as he knew), so don't get too comfortable, imposter."

Kon glared up at her. "You know, I have NO idea what Ichigo sees in you. I mean, the other one cooks and cleans, and I guess the old man keeps him in shape, but YOU... I can't figure out why he keeps you around. All you do is snap at people."

"That's simple," Karin replied, leaning close to his face. "I sniff out intruders, and then I kick them out. You want a demonstration, tough guy?"

Kon couldn't help the smirk that appeared on his face. He'd seen Karin's best, and compared to his usual, it wasn't much. Still, she was spunky... which didn't mean much to him, either, but some people apparently admired it. "Don't make me throw you out of the window, little girl."

Before Karin could reply, the door slid open, and Yuzu poked her head in. "Fake Ichi-nii, dinner's ready..." She paused upon finding them in a somewhat compromising position. "Um... are you two playing a game?"

Karin stared at her sister, a blank expression on her face. "Uh... yes?"

"Well, it's nice to see you two finally getting along, but you can play later," Yuzu said, beaming at them before she shut the door.

"This would be the point where you get off of me," Kon added helpfully.

Karin just glared down at him again. "I'm watching you," she said simply, "accidentally" kicking him in the ribs as she climbed off of him. She wasn't fast enough to avoid getting shoved from behind and tumbling off of the bed, though.

Kon couldn't help the wicked grin that spread across his face as Karin shot him a look that promised revenge all too soon. It made no sense, really: the old man got on his nerves, and Yuzu had put those dumb doll clothes on him when he'd been stuck in that stuffed lion, and yet Karin was the one he enjoyed picking on. Maybe it was because she always fought back, or maybe it was because deep down, part of him actually liked her and knew of no healthy way to express it.

Unfortunately, Kon had found that while people occasionally tolerated fondling from a stuffed lion, this did not transfer over to borrowed human bodies. Anyway, he wasn't attracted to Karin at all (Uryu had given him a lecture on statutory rape and threatened him with castration multiple times already, just to be sure it never became an issue), and generally only touched her after she'd touched him first, so he couldn't really be blamed for that. Not completely, anyway.

* * *

Most people didn't realize it, or just refused to accept it, but Hinamori was GOOD. At nearly everything she did. It was a rare gift, one that people tended to overlook, for some reason, but that only allowed her to get things done without constant distractions.

Tracking Ichigo had proved far too easy, for example. It hadn't taken long for her to determine that he was about to leave on a mission, and that Yachiru was accompanying him. That only made Hinamori smile, because Yachiru fit perfectly into her own plans at the moment.

Since most of the 11th Division was still being rebuilt, Hinamori correctly assumed that Ichigo would be preparing for his trip in his reserved room within the 4th Division. Sure enough, as Hinamori approached the room, she could hear the familiar sounds of Yachiru's high-pitched voice, followed by Ichigo's lower one. Pleased that she was as clever as she thought herself to be, Hinamori knocked on the door and waited to be admitted.

Soon enough, the door opened slightly, and Yachiru peered out at her. "MOMO-CHAN!" she squealed, grabbing Hinamori's arm and yanking her bodily into the room. By some miracle, Hinamori's arm wasn't torn out of the socket, nor did she go flying across the room.

"Hey, Hinamori," Ichigo said, not looking up from the new armband he was fiddling with. It identified him, much to Hinamori's amusement, as a captain-in-training. She went over to help him get it on straight, partially because she was annoyed that he hadn't even looked up to greet her, but mostly so she'd have an excuse to feel his muscles.

"I think you're going to make an absolutely INCREDIBLE captain," Hinamori told him.

Ichigo grunted in a noncommittal sort of way, but she could detect a hint of a blush on his face.

"I hear you two are going to be leaving for a little while," she continued, "and I thought I'd come by to wish you a safe journey, and to, um..."

"She should come with us!" Yachiru announced loudly, startling both Hinamori and Ichigo.

"Why?" Ichigo asked without thinking. "Uh, no offense, Hinamori."

"Because I said so," Yachiru replied, pouting stubbornly, "and I outrank you, for now!"

Ichigo blinked, leaning over to mutter in Hinamori's ear. "Does she?"

"Yes," Hinamori answered. "You aren't a full captain yet, and she has far more experience in her position. Really, she should be guiding you in learning your duties, so she's your direct superior, at least until you're promoted... or she appoints someone else to train you." Her eyes lit up at the thought. It was just that kind of thing SHE would be suited for.

Yachiru seemed to be thinking along the same lines. "Now Momo-chan HAS to come with us. Someone has to watch you while I'm shopping for girly books and candy, Ichi-kun."

"I don't need watching," Ichigo grumbled, but he clearly wasn't going to say anything against the idea. He would probably have to buy the actual porn himself, though: no matter how sweet Yachiru was, no store clerk in his right mind would sell her adult magazines, especially if she tried to buy candy at the same time.

"I promise I'll take GOOD care of you, Ichigo," Hinamori said, smiling at him in a way that didn't strike him as entirely appropriate. But Yachiru didn't seem to notice, and Ichigo didn't want to say anything, so he merely managed a weak smile in return. Inwardly, though, he wondered if he should be worried at how suddenly Hinamori had gone from calling him "Kurosaki-kun" to just "Ichigo." The only other girl who had in the past was Rukia, and she had only done it as part of her act to fool his classmates into seeing her as a normal girl. That incident only stuck out his mind because Rukia had seemed especially nuts when she was all smiles one minute and grave as... well, a grave the next.

And something told him that Hinamori's current behavior reminding him of that was not a good sign.

* * *

"So let me get this straight," Matsumoto said slowly, doing her best to look perfectly serious. "You think Hinamori is quietly flipping out, latching onto Ichigo, and lashing out at anyone she sees as a threat to said attachment?"

On the other side of the desk, Rukia frowned at the choice of phrasing, but nodded. "Yes."

There was a long pause.

Matsumoto smiled patiently. "Has it ever occurred to you that maybe she's just reacting the way a normal, jealous girl would? I mean, it hardly seems fair, you keeping Ichi-kun all to yourself..."

There was another long pause, in which Rukia's face was frozen in a combination of horror (at the thought of being intimate with Ichigo) and outrage (at the idea that she might even begin to enjoy such a thing).

"WHAT!" she finally cried, glaring at the other woman. "I HAVE NEVER, WOULD NEVER, COULD NEVER-!"

Matsumoto suddenly suffered a coughing fit, which sounded suspiciously like "sleepover"... well, if it had been poorly disguised as part of a very fake coughing fit, that is.

"I just locked him in my office!" Rukia snapped without thinking.

A wide grin blossomed on Matsumoto's face. "Rukia-chan, you kinky little thing, you! I never imagined that you'd be into-"

"THIS IS SERIOUS!" Rukia shouted, flailing her arms angrily. "Ichigo could be in real danger, and-"

"And what?" Matsumoto countered. "Let's just pretend, for a moment, that poor Momo IS nuts. You said she LIKES Ichigo, not hates him. If she were thinking clearly, I might be worried about him. But it's probably just a very strong crush, and since I highly doubt Ichigo is going to take advantage of it, she'll probably just lose interest. Well, I did, but I assume it's the same for her."

"But-!"

"I know, I know," Matsumoto sighed, giving her a sympathetic smile. "You're mad about losing your boy toy. I'm sure you'll find another. I think Renji has ALWAYS had a-"

At this point, Rukia very nearly threw herself over Matsumoto's desk in an attempt to strangle the unsuspecting woman. But before she could, a black butterfly flew past her head and landed on Matsumoto's outstretched finger.

"Oh well, too late, now," Matsumoto said after a few seconds. "Ichigo, Yachiru, and Hinamori have just left. But don't worry, I'm sure they'll be just fine. Yachiru may be a little spacey, but I'm positive she'd do something if Hinamori got out of hand."

"Like help her do it?" Rukia growled.

"Oh. Well, um... I'm sure they'll be fine!" Matsumoto said quickly, smiling brightly. "Now, I believe we were talking about Renji as your next boy toy?"

Rukia stared at her for several seconds. "I don't like you," she said at last.

"I should hope not! Poor Renji would be crushed!"

Rukia buried her face in her hands, both frustrated and dumbfounded that she'd finally come across someone who annoyed her more than Ichigo AND Renji combined.

* * *

Because Ichigo had always come home alone, he ran into an unforeseen problem: bodies. Mainly, Yachiru and Hinamori needed to rent them from Urahara's shop (he was NOT about to have two invisible girls chattering in his ear the whole time), and Ichigo needed to go home and take his body back from Kon. But it was lucky that they'd brought Hinamori along, as she could easily find her way to the shop by using some sort of tracking spell that locked in on items with large amounts of residual spiritual pressure. So while the girls rented bodies and clothing, Ichigo ran home.

In yet another stroke of luck, the rest of his family had gone out, and Kon was alone, being lazy as usual. He was actually picking his nose when Ichigo found him, so the moment Ichigo had his body back, he made sure to lock Kon in the closet to keep him out of trouble.

Ichigo hurried back to Urahara's shop, partially because he didn't trust Urahara to keep his hands off of two cute girls, and partially because he didn't trust Yachiru not to buy huge amounts of candy instead of the needed body and clothing... and there was always the chance that Urahara might sell her some defective candy with a Hollow in it or something.

But Ichigo's luck was batting a thousand that day: Urahara and the rest of his weird crew had taken off as well, leaving poor Ururu to watch over the shop by herself. Ichigo liked the girl because she was the most normal person there (though that wasn't saying much), and because she gave him discounts whenever Urahara wasn't there to stop her. Most people never noticed, but once Urahara found a regular customer, his prices tended to slowly but steadily increase for them. Ichigo only knew because Rukia never failed to complain loudly about it.

Of course, even kindhearted Ururu could only do so much with a limited selection. The rental bodies hadn't been a problem, but the clothes were another matter. The main problem with clothing from Urahara's was that everything either made the wearer look like a beach bum, or like they'd just stepped out of a time warp. Rukia had found the time warp end of the spectrum to be more practical, since people tended to assume she was new in town, instead of just plain crazy.

Yachiru was the first to emerge with her new clothes, and predictably, she was rather excited about them. She'd found a set of pink overalls and a baby blue shirt, both of which read, "It's A Girl/Boy!" in large print. Ichigo only felt safe complimenting her shoes, which were simple white sneakers with pink laces.

Hinamori was a bit less comfortable with her purchases, in more ways than one. She was decked out in a red T-shirt and violet jogging pants, both of which were probably a size too small and clung to her figure... well, better than Yachiru did, on occasion. Ichigo couldn't stop himself from staring, or keep his mouth shut long enough to avoid uttering the totally lame line, "You look hot." Hinamori only blushed and murmured her thanks.

It was at this point that Ichigo ran into a slight problem. He wasn't quite ready to reveal his true reason for coming to Urahara's shop, at least not in front of Yachiru and Hinamori. He had no idea how they'd react if they knew, and if he'd be forcing them to choose between loyalty to him and the Soul Society. In short, Ichigo ended up looking rather silly, asking Ururu if she'd seen any black cats around and winking all the while.

For her part, Ururu just stared at him with that blank, droopy gaze of hers until Ichigo finally gave up and sighed, "Never mind, Ururu-chan."

That, apparently, was the signal that Ururu had been waiting for, because she immediately turned bright red, ducked behind the counter, and refused to come out until Ichigo had left the store. Ichigo just chalked it up to more Urahara weirdness, but Yachiru and Hinamori giggled like schoolgirls, as if they were in on some joke and wouldn't tell him about it.

* * *

Sado Yasutora was perhaps the most easygoing person that he knew of. He had few friends, fewer problems, and tended to live each day of his life to the fullest. Often, this meant nothing more than listening to a song he liked, or lifting both of Ichigo's sisters onto his shoulders so they could reach a high shelf. Frankly, Sado was easily pleased, which made it far easier to enjoy life.

Of course, if one were to actually ask where Sado Yasutora resided, no one but the mailman would be able to say. Everyone who knew him simply called him "Chad." As for the why, it was a nickname that Ichigo had somewhat forced on him, and Chad had just never forced him to stop. In the long run, Chad found that the new name was more convenient for everyone: it was easier to remember, and this was important for someone who frequently suffered from head trauma (between the occasional heavy rock, common low doorways, and the rare collisions with Orihime's thick skull, Chad had invested in several helmets).

Of all Chad's friends, Ichigo was the most important: he was the main reason Chad even had more than one friend, and on weekends, Karin would throw rocks at Chad's window until he came to dinner at the Kurosaki house. If asked why she did this, she would only yell and kick him in the shin, so Chad stopped asking. Ichigo had never actually asked Chad, in words, to look after his sisters, but he hadn't needed to. He'd just given Chad a look, and Chad had known... and even if Ichigo hadn't done that, Chad would've checked up on them, anyway. Yuzu's desserts were incredible, and Karin... well, she was the reason the Kurosaki family didn't own a dog or a security system, and that impressed Chad to no end, considering Karin's size.

At any rate, Chad got a phone call around noon. He'd only answered because the Caller ID said it was Urahara's shop, and he'd been very surprised to hear Ichigo's voice in his ear. Even more surprising, Ichigo invited Chad to have lunch with him, although he didn't do it in the usual way. Normally, it was just, "Hey, I'm hungry, let's eat something." This time, it was, "Feel like meeting up with me and having lunch?"

Something was different, but Chad didn't give it much thought. It was Ichigo, and that was all that mattered.

Well, at least until Chad looked up from the diner's menu to find Ichigo striding towards him, with two cute girls at his side. That was VERY different, since neither of the girls were his sisters, Orihime, or Tatsuki (although if the rumors were true, nobody that called Tatsuki cute had ever lived to tell the tale). But Chad's memory hadn't suffered so much that he couldn't recognize the girls by the time they sat down. Their clothes had clearly come from the Urahara bargain bin, and that was the biggest tip-off.

And it was kind of funny, the way both of them wanted to sit on the same side of the booth as Ichigo, while he clearly wanted them to sit first so he could sit on Chad's side.

"You probably should've called first, Ichigo," Chad said once the girls had stopped complaining (Ichigo was on his side).

"I'm pretty sure I did," Ichigo replied, looking confused. "That's when I asked you to meet me here."

Chad shook his head. "I meant before you got here. Besides Uryu, I'm the only one in town."

"Really?" Ichigo wasn't sure how to take that. "What about Keigo and Mizuiro?"

"They started their own internet dating service. Last I heard, they actually got Keigo a steady girlfriend."

"Are you sure you heard right?"

"Yeah. I also heard she was a seven foot tall weightlifter, so he probably couldn't break up with her if he wanted to."

"Now that makes more sense," Ichigo grunted. "Tatsuki?"

"Big karate tournament," Chad answered. "I think she's ranked number 6 this year."

"In Japan?"

"In the world."

"Wow. Now I don't feel so bad about her always kicking my butt back when we were kids."

Chad made a noise that might have been a snort or a brief laugh. "She said you'd say that."

Ichigo scowled before his face became more thoughtful. "And Orihime?"

Chad shrugged. "Not really sure. She moved away as soon as we graduated. Tatsuki probably knows where she ended up."

"Weird. Uh... you said Uryu is still here?"

"Yeah. He owns a sewing shop not too far from here. He's doing pretty well for himself. I don't see him much, but I think he prefers it that way."

"So he's still a jerk," Ichigo concluded.

"Not really. Last year, he made matching pajamas for your sisters. They seemed to like them."

"So he's a talented jerk."

"I guess." Chad blinked. "Um, do they always do that?"

Ichigo noticed he was staring across the table, and jumped a little when he saw Yachiru and Hinamori staring at them closely. "What the hell are you two doing?"

"We're studying you," Yachiru replied seriously.

"We need to be able to respond to your demands before you can even make them," Hinamori added. "And we can only do that if we know your every impulse."

"Uh... what's wrong with waiting for me to tell you what I want?" Ichigo asked slowly.

"It's not nearly as cool that way!" Yachiru complained.

"Our way is more efficient," Hinamori agreed.

"Yeah, but you don't look crazy with my way," Ichigo muttered.

* * *

Because she hadn't yet received any sort of reprimand for the incident where Yachiru attacked Captain Hitsugaya, Captain Soifon was a little nervous when she was called to stand before General Yamamoto.

That Hitsugaya was ALSO called, at the same time, was not a good sign.

But at no point in the meeting was punishment discussed.

First, General Yamamoto asked them each to restate their roles in the incident. Hitsugaya explained how he had tracked down Yachiru, intending to hold her for questioning, and how her innocent suggestion of a sparring match had quickly escalated to all-out mayhem. Soifon simply told how she became involved later, and, very reluctantly, the embarrassing manner in which she was defeated. Thankfully, Hitsugaya did not seem amused, nor did General Yamamoto.

Then, to the increasing puzzlement of both captains, General Yamamoto asked for their opinions of Lieutenant Hinamori as of late.

After a slight pause, Hitsugaya admitted that he was concerned for her well-being, and was uncertain how fit she was for continued duty. Soifon said much the same, minus the concern, and recommended that Hinamori submit to a more conclusive evaluation of her current ability and mental state.

Interestingly, after both captains were dismissed, they both had the same reaction. Each glanced at the other somewhat hesitantly, and then proposed that they discuss the matter further over tea. Soifon was not sure what inspired this. She and Hitsugaya generally got along well enough, on the few occasions where they'd had to work closely. She respected his devotion to maintaining order in his Division (despite his slightly unorthodox lieutenant), and unlike most captains, he respected the jurisdiction of the Special Forces at all times (which made her own job much easier).

"Why do you think he asked about Hinamori?" was the first thing out of Hitsugaya's mouth, once they were locked inside his office.

"I think he intends to transfer her somewhere," was Soifon's honest reply. "I'm amazed she's stayed in the 5th Division for as long as she has. I assumed it would be best to distance her from anything that might remind her of Aizen, yet she continues to serve the very Division he abandoned. I don't know what General Yamamoto has in mind for her."

Neither said anything for several moments, and each captain quickly drank their tea, remembering that it was their excuse for this discussion.

"It's a shame," Soifon said at last. "Up until Aizen's betrayal, Hinamori was an excellent officer. I can think of numerous positions where her different talents might be put to good use, but now we'll always have to take into account what she's been through, and if she'll ever really recover from it. Such a waste of true talent."

Hitsugaya slowly put down his teacup. "You think there's still hope for her?"

"That would depend largely on her. Coming back from something like that can vary between individuals. Yachiru seems to have bounced back from her loss in only a matter of days. But Hinamori's attachment to her former captain appears to be far more complicated."

"She loves him," Hitsugaya said with more than a trace of bitterness. "Even now, even though she is still loyal to the Soul Society."

Soifon said nothing to this, nor did she ask for clarification. The nature of the love hardly mattered anymore: just the mere fact that Hinamori still loved Aizen at all was troubling.

"I've tried to make her understand that Aizen was behind everything, but she either can't or won't accept it. That's why I was so relieved when she started showing interest in-"

"Kurosaki?" Soifon offered, her face revealing nothing.

Hitsugaya gaped at her. "How did you...?"

She just stared at him expectantly.

He felt a little silly, now that he stopped to think about it. Whether it was their job or not, Special Forces tended to know just about everything that went on in the Seireitei. It wouldn't surprise him at all if some of them were watching Hinamori around the clock.

"There is something both odd and useful about that boy," Soifon murmured.

"What do you mean?"

"Have you ever noticed," Soifon continued, "that the people around him tend to grow in power at an alarming rate? Nearly as fast as he does?"

Hitsugaya frowned at her. "What are you saying?"

"It's probably a good thing that Hinamori is so interested in him. You saw yourself what Yachiru is capable of now. Hinamori should get as much exposure to Kurosaki as she can before the evaluation, because the potential is there. If she's willing to work hard enough, she could replace Aizen."

The color drained out of Hitsugaya's face, and his mouth worked silently.

"As a captain," Soifon clarified.

"...oh." Hitsugaya seemed capable of breathing again. "I see."

She decided to ignore his moment of weakness. "With Aizen gone, I believe Hinamori is one of the few officers that could engage in high-level battle with the use of kido alone."

"...like Aizen," he muttered.

"It's a very admirable ability, frankly. And it also might be the key to Hinamori's continued success. Showing that kind of promise would no doubt dismiss some of the concerns surrounding her."

Something flashed in Hitsugaya's eyes. "Would you... be willing to help her?"

Soifon eyed him warily. "Help her how?"

"As you said, kido is one of her best areas, but she could use some work in the others. Hand-to-hand combat, for example. And she could always grow more skilled with her sword..."

"And you can't do this... why?"

Hitsugaya sighed. "She won't take me seriously. You, she'd have to listen to."

"I will consider it," Soifon said after several moments. "But only if she proves that she's serious about improving herself."

* * *

Ichigo walked out of Ishida Threads with a lot less money and a near permanent scowl on his face. He was positive that Uryu had overcharged him, the rotten little bastard, but at least the bespectacled boy was obvious about it. Still, having to pay extra just to keep Uryu from arbitrarily sewing a Quincy cross into his creations was really annoying.

Knowing what conversations with Uryu were like, Ichigo had asked Yachiru and Hinamori to wait outside the sewing shop. Not that it had done much good.

"We could hear you cursing from all the way out here!" Yachiru informed him the moment he stepped outside.

"Are you sure you can trust the owner to work on your clothing, Ichigo?" Hinamori asked. "I think I'd be a little angry if someone insulted my ancestors that loudly for that long..."

"Uryu's a jerk, but he'll keep his word," Ichigo said firmly as he stomped past them. "Come on, let's go."

Sharing concerned looks, Yachiru and Hinamori hurried to catch up with him. Yachiru latched onto Ichigo's hand, swinging it back and forth playfully, and beaming up at him when he glared down at her. Slowly but surely, Ichigo grumbled and looked away, but his scowl faded to a more neutral expression, which was still an improvement.

Hinamori sighed wistfully, wondering if she would ever have that type of influence over Ichigo.

"So are we going to your house now, Ichi-kun?" Yachiru asked.

"No. For now, it's back to Urahara's," Ichigo answered. "You'll meet my family later."

"Did you forget to buy something at the shop?" Hinamori asked.

Ichigo shook his head. "Not really. But I'm hoping someone else will be there this time."

Hinamori thought that was odd, since not even Ururu had known when Urahara and the others were returning. Still, Ichigo looked confident in his decision to go back to the shop, so she didn't question it.

Yet, when they did reach the shop for a second time, not much had changed. Ururu was sitting out front now, and there was a black cat in her lap, but other than that, Hinamori figured that Ichigo was just out of luck.

But Ichigo looked strangely relieved, just before a slight frown of resignation appeared on his face. Without a word, he sank to his knees and bowed his head. "Yoruichi-sensei," he said quietly.

Hinamori's eyes widened as the cat smirked. "If you're being so respectful now, I suppose you must want something again. Alright, I'm listening, Ichigo."

"The kitty's talking!" Yachiru whispered loudly, tugging on Hinamori's arm.

Ichigo raised his head. "Please let me complete my training under you, Yoruichi-sensei."

"And what gave you the impression that it wasn't finished?" the cat asked, sounding a bit insulted.

"It's just... I'm going to be a captain soon, and... I need to know more."

"Hmm. So that's it." Sighing, the cat stepped down from Ururu's lap and walked towards them. "While I don't have a problem training you again, Ichigo, I do have two conditions. First, for every day that I train you, you have to give me a foot rub in return."

Ichigo's left eye twitched angrily, because something told him Yoruichi would NOT be in cat form when that happened. "And what else?"

"Your two companions have to train as well. I sense that they both have areas they could stand to improve in."

Hinamori suspected that she should've been offended by the remark, but she was still trying to work out how Ichigo came to find himself training under a cat. Meanwhile, Yachiru was just excited about having found a potential playmate for Suteneko.

"Don't worry about the girls," Ichigo said confidently. "These two can handle anything you can throw at them."

"YOU TELL 'EM, ICHI!" Yachiru shouted in agreement, hopping on Ichigo's shoulders and pumping her little fists into the air. Somehow everyone present preferred Hinamori's reaction to the praise, which was to blush in silence.

"We will begin training tomorrow morning at, oh... four should be good," the cat announced.

Ichigo opened his mouth to shout his protest, but thought better of it. "Why so early, Yoruichi-sensei?" he asked, trying to keep his tone respectful.

"I know!" Yachiru cried, waving her hand wildly. "It's so we can catch the milkman, so the kitty will have fresh milk in the morning!"

The cat stared at her for a long moment. "...in any case, I expect to see you all there. I suggest you all get a good night's rest. Ururu and I will make the necessary arrangements tonight."

"Hey, this isn't going to get her in trouble with her boss, is it?" Ichigo asked with mild concern, causing Ururu to blush heavily.

"You let me worry about him," the cat replied. "You just worry about getting home to your family... and being here on time tomorrow, of course."

Ichigo grunted as the cat and Ururu vanished inside the shop. "Guess there's no more avoiding it."

"You don't want to go home, Ichigo?" Hinamori asked in surprise.

"It's not that. It's just... you don't know my sisters. Yuzu will probably bawl her head off, and Karin will probably kick MY head off."

"It sounds like they really love you."

"Yeah. That's the problem... and then there's my father."

* * *

Hinamori had assumed that Ichigo was exaggerating about his family.

He was not.

Ichigo got one foot in the door when he was absolutely mobbed.

First, an older man came flying out of nowhere with a kick that Ichigo easily dodged. Unfortunately, the man couldn't stop in mid-air, and crashed through a closed window.

The dodge, however, put Ichigo directly in the path of a second kick, which caught him in the gut. And even though the kicker was a girl much smaller than him, it still doubled him over.

Ichigo was still trying to catch his breath when there was a heartfelt wail of "ICHI-NII!" and then something in an apron and oven mitts knocked Hinamori down and attached itself to Ichigo's neck, where it began to cry loudly.

Hinamori was just getting to her feet when a shadow fell over her. She looked up to a heavily bleeding man grinning down at her, bits of glass stuck in nearly every part of his body.

"Ah, you must be my brand new daughter-in-law! Come give your father a big hug!" he shouted, reaching for her.

Naturally, Hinamori chose that moment to have an Aizen murder scene flashback, and screamed at a volume that could only properly be described as ultra-bloodcurdling.

Consequently, Yachiru could not REALLY be blamed for thinking that her fellow lieutenant was under attack, and reacting accordingly.

In retrospect, Ichigo would recall being VERY impressed that even with the standard power limitations in the human world, Yachiru had still been able to break both of his father's arms with little more than a cheese grater and a great deal of determination.

**End of Chapter 4.**

* * *

**Next Chapter: Kenpachi in Boots**

In which Orihime opens her heart to an orphan, Yoruichi rats on Hinamori to Ichigo (how ironic!), Yachiru finds some common ground with Yuzu, and Rukia discovers that Nemu is suddenly following her EVERYWHERE...

Endnotes:

I have NO idea if Kon and Chizuru would get along, but I do know they have common interests: Orihime, Orihime's chest, hot girls, hot girls with lesbian potential, things like that. Anyway, I can't think of any other reason why Chizuru would hang out with a guy. Unless, y'know, she was using him to attract hot girls with bisexual potential. Which I find, surprisingly, a little disturbing. Not that she'd use Ichigo to do that, but with Kon being in there instead, it just seems... wronger somehow. Assuming they'd share the girl, that is, which is just... ew, I'm going to stop talking now.

When I say Orihime has a thick skull, I don't mean she's stupid. I literally mean that, like Chad, she probably has super thick, super hard bones that could only be CRACKED if an armored car hit her at 160 mph. AND THEN SHE WOULD GET UP! Meanwhile the armored car would be totaled and the driver would be crushed, but THEY'RE not important.

I see no reason why Ichigo's power overflow wouldn't impact shinigami, instead of just humans, especially considering how much MORE power he uses in the Soul Society.

Here's an issue I'm having trouble wrapping my head around. Exactly how is the captainship of the 2nd Division related to the Head of Special Forces? Are they basically interchangeable, or is leading the Special Forces just one of the 2nd Division Captain's duties, or is it just coincidence that one person has both jobs? Since I don't think I'll get the same answer from everyone, I figure separating it into a few key questions might be better, so...

1) Is it possible to be 2nd Division Captain WITHOUT either leading/being involved in the Special Forces? For example, could two different people hold the positions at the same time? (Person A is captain, Person B is over Special Forces)

2) Could a captain from a Division other than the 2nd be over Special Forces while still heading their own Division? (Hitsugaya, for example)

3) Was Yoruichi 2nd Division Captain, Head of Special Forces, or both?

4) Would it be possible for a captain to lead their Division and, say, the Kido Corps at the same time?

5) How in the HELL do you NOT get beheaded for dropping crumbs on Soifon's head, effectively making both the 2nd Division AND the Special Forces look bad at the same time? I mean, it's bad enough to have a weakness for black cats, but now people think you have bad dandruff, too? INJUSTICE!

(In case you couldn't tell, these answers will impact the outcome of the story... well, the last one won't, I just think it's wrong!!!)

This chapter title inspired by "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe," which, if I recall correctly, is actually a hit movie now, with talking beavers, a Santa Claus that gives weapons to kids, and the whole nine. But I suppose it IS easier to fight an evil witch with a sword instead of a lump of coal. Unless, you know, she's allergic or happens to burn really easily... like spontaneously combusting every five seconds easily.


	5. Kenpachi in Boots

Notes: Just a little warning. Shameless alteration of zanpakuto avatars lay ahead, so don't bother quoting me on anything you might see here, no one else will know what you're talking about, and they'll assume you're a crazy person, as of course many of them are Bleach fans (you don't have to be crazy to enjoy anime, but it helps).

**Ichigo and the Beanstalk**

**A Bleach Fairy Tale by**

**Nate Grey (XMAN0123-at-aol-dot-com)**

**Chapter 5: Kenpachi-N'-Boots**

* * *

The Little Angels Orphanage had a reputation for being one of the best in all of Japan. Both the building and its occupants were cleaned daily, and everyone tended to be well-behaved within a month of their arrival.

Except for one child, who had earned the dubious distinction of simply being called, "The American."

No one was quite certain if this orphan actually came FROM America, but it seemed likely. He would eat nothing but hot dogs (cut up in beans, or whole), cookies, and lemonade. For no apparent reason, he would vanish from the orphanage and reappear days later, often with a new scratch or two. During one of these trips, he had found large cowboy boots and a butcher knife, and was never again seen without either. For some reason, the child constantly tapped the blade against his shoulder in a manner that was both impressive and frightening. Not once did anyone see him cut himself or anything else, and yet no one tried to get anywhere near him.

It was almost as if the very fear of being cut simply overwhelmed anyone who might try to correct the situation. But at no point did The American ever threaten anyone, or imply that he might be a danger to himself or others. However, the constant presence of the butcher knife led the adults to think otherwise, and despite their best efforts, The American remained in their care: he always came back, and no sane parent seeking to adopt would take him. Ironically, insane parents were not allowed to adopt, and they were probably the only ones who would gladly take such a child.

The American remained at Little Angels for a year, until he was suddenly and inexplicably adopted by a pretty, somewhat naive young woman with an undoubtedly large heart.

The adults had developed a habit of keeping The American occupied when parents arrived to look for a child to take home. They made sure he was given a whole platter of cookies and a frosty pitcher of lemonade, and all but locked him into the kitchen until he was done.

But this method had in no way deterred Inoue Orihime, who had immediately passed over all the other children and opened the kitchen door, only to find The American staring at her warily over a rapidly-emptying plate of cookies.

"Him," Orihime had said at once, her face lighting up. "I want him."

The adults had tried to explain that she couldn't possibly want that child, but their protests had fallen on deaf ears. Orihime had continued to beam at The American, who eventually dismissed her from his mind entirely to focus on his cookies and lemonade.

So when the adults finally gave in and went to collect all the necessary paperwork, Orihime produced a slightly melted chocolate bar from her purse, and coaxed The American out to her car. He did not seem to appreciate its bright orange paint job, but once he had the chocolate, little else mattered.

Later, the adults approached Orihime's car, expecting to find chaos. Instead, they found The American fast asleep in the passenger's seat, his lips smeared with cookie crumbs and chocolate, while Orihime hummed serenely and covered him with a small blanket. They felt the need to remind her about the butcher knife, which she had clearly forgotten to take away from him.

Orihime only nodded, thanked them, signed the papers, and drove off with her new son.

She'd forgotten the butcher knife yet again, and some of the adults began to wonder if she had ever really been aware of it at all.

* * *

Despite the rumors, Ichigo was not a fool. Even in the midst of the chaos that had been last night, there had been one overriding thought in his head: keep Yachiru and Hinamori out of his room.

It wasn't that he had anything he feared Yachiru might break, or even that he was nervous about Hinamori seeing how he lived at home.

No, it was that Ichigo didn't want either of the girls to stumble across the fact that Rukia had lived in his closet... because then THEY would want to. He couldn't be sure that there wasn't a trace of Rukia left somewhere in his room. It was far too likely that Kon had dug up something of Rukia's to cuddle with on lonely nights: a loose sock, a forgotten hairbrush, maybe even fingernail clippings if he were desperate enough.

Fortunately, Yachiru and Hinamori had been far too distracted last night, trading embarrassing stories about him with Yuzu and Karin well into the night. Ichigo was relieved that the two lieutenants had apparently bunked down with his sisters, probably Yuzu and Karin had shared a bed and given the other to their guests. Yachiru was small enough where she didn't take up much space, and Karin would put up with Yuzu's cuddling to avoid sharing a bed with someone she barely knew.

Truthfully, Ichigo would not have minded at all if his sisters had asked to share his bed. He had missed them that much, and only Yuzu ever got that close to him regularly. Karin had long since grown out of such intimacy, although Ichigo distinctly recalled waking up one morning to find her sprawled across his back, snoring loud enough to wake up everyone else in the house.

However, Ichigo did enjoy sleeping alone in his bed. It gave him time to think about what he needed to accomplish while he was home. Yoruichi's training was bound to be more difficult this time, but if the goal wasn't realistic, she never would've agreed to do it. There was also the matter of Rangiku's... porn. He had NO idea how he was going to go about that, but Yachiru wouldn't let him forget it. And, while he'd tried not to dwell on it, Orihime's mysterious absence bothered him. It would be one thing, if Tatsuki had been there to fill him in, or if someone else had known more. But Orihime had always struck Ichigo as fairly simple-minded, and while she could look after herself, he always thought it best to have a reliable friend like Tatsuki constantly checking on her. Most people only needed to glance at Orihime's diet to quickly come to the same conclusion.

In seemingly no time at all, Ichigo was jarred awake. Not by his alarm clock, which he'd set for 3:30 AM, but by sharp claws in the back of his skull, around 3:04 AM.

"Morning, Ichi-kun!" Yachiru sang directly into his ear.

Sighing loudly, Ichigo carefully pulled Suteneko off of his head and pushed the cat at Yachiru. "Go away," he grumbled, burying his face back into his pillow, "and take your damned cat with you."

"Well, okay," Yachiru replied calmly, startling him fully awake, "but Momo-chan says if she has to get you up, she'll use a spell that'll leave you feeling naked and wet. And then she'll actually MAKE you naked and wet. I'm not sure how, though..."

Needless to say, Ichigo got up.

"It sounds kinda fun, though!" Yachiru decided, earning a horrified look from Ichigo. "What? What'd I say?"

"Naked and wet, dear," Suteneko purred, smirking at the dark look Ichigo shot her.

Ichigo didn't say anything... not even when Yachiru followed him around the room as he threw on clothes, singing, "Naked and wet!" every few seconds. So long as nobody actually GOT naked and wet, he could deal with it.

Barely.

Although by the time he went downstairs, with Yachiru riding on one shoulder and Suteneko on the other, it was getting a little old. So he felt perfectly justified when he grabbed an apple from the kitchen counter and stuffed it into Yachiru's mouth to shut her up.

"Ichi-nii, that's so rude!" Yuzu gasped from the stove, even as Yachiru bit the apple in half and handed one portion to Suteneko.

Ichigo gave her a blank look. "It's too early, and only one of us is going to be stuck with her all day. Anyway, what are you doing up? We're the only ones that have to be somewhere soon."

"And who's going to make you a healthy breakfast if I don't?" Yuzu demanded, pushing him towards the table. "Momo-san won't know how you like your eggs until she sees me make them, anyway."

Ichigo frowned across the table, where a blushing Hinamori was jotting something down on a notepad and doing her best not to look at him. "Now you're going to start cooking for me?"

"Someone should," Hinamori insisted quietly. "And I don't think you want to take your chances with Yachiru."

"I can cook!" Yachiru shouted, pouting cutely. "I know how to make caramel apples, and hot chocolate, and ice cream, and sweet tea, and-"

"Can you make anything without sugar in it?" Ichigo interrupted.

Yachiru frowned. "Why would I do that?"

Ichigo sighed, and made sure to kiss Yuzu's forehead when she put a plate of bacon, eggs, and toast in front of him.

* * *

Rukia was generally not a paranoid person, so when someone began following her, she knew it was not her imagination. Whoever it was appeared to be very good at suppressing their spiritual pressure, as well as moving without making a sound. But the mere fact that someone was tailing Rukia just gave her a sort of prickly feeling along the back of her neck, and no amount of stealth could get rid of that.

But it was clear that Rukia's stalker did not have any ill intent towards her. She did not feel nervous or afraid, just annoyed that someone was following her absolutely everywhere she went.

Yet despite her best efforts, Rukia could not figure out who her stalker was. Every time she tried to quickly double back and confront them, they were always gone before she could even catch a glimpse.

This went on for a few days, and Rukia was starting to think that she might have to inform Captain Ukitake, as silly as the thought was. The only reason she didn't, however, was because there was a meeting of the Shinigami Women's Association on that same day. Rukia wasn't exactly excited about taking part, but she also knew it might hurt her reputation as a soon-to-be lieutenant if she skipped out.

She hadn't expected the meeting to be all that interesting, with Yachiru and Hinamori in the human world, and Captain Soifon being called away for some emergency. But Rukia got a rude shock when, just a few minutes after she walked in, Kurotsuchi Nemu did the same thing. Normally, this would've meant less than nothing. But when Nemu sat down RIGHT beside her, Rukia immediately got the same prickly feeling on the back of her neck.

"It was YOU!" she cried, earning some odd looks all around. Blushing, Rukia lowered her voice. "You were following me!"

Nemu did not seem at all alarmed. "Yes."

"Why?!"

"Overlord Matsumoto asked me to," was the calm reply.

Rukia frowned. "What? Why?"

"She said," Nemu answered seriously, "that you needed a friend to keep yourself occupied."

"But... what does following me everywhere have to do with being my friend?"

Nemu seemed confused. "Friends... often spend time together, do they not?"

Rukia stared at her in growing confusion. "Yes... but that's because they enjoy each other's company, not because one is stalking the other from the shadows..."

"Ah. I see."

"Do you?" Rukia asked skeptically. "Were you even going to talk to me?"

"I had not determined what I should say to you," Nemu admitted.

"And you were just going to keep... stalking me until something occurred to you?"

"Yes."

Rukia just stared at the other girl for several moments. Finally, she sighed. "Well, do you have any hobbies?"

"Stalking, apparently."

"Any OTHER hobbies? Something you enjoy doing?"

"It's... not really an activity. It's more of a thing."

"Great!" Rukia said excitedly, thinking they were finally getting somewhere. "What is it?!"

"I like the way this little bit of hair always hangs between your eyes," Nemu replied, gently stroking the aforementioned forelock with a finger. "Almost like you hold it in place with glue..."

Rukia didn't know whether to be flattered or afraid, but she was leaning towards the latter. "So, um... is stalking difficult to learn?" she asked weakly.

"Oh, not at all," Nemu said at once, thankfully lowering her finger. "All you really need is the proper footwear. I would be happy to teach you."

Rukia's first instinct was to refuse the offer. But it suddenly occurred to her that this wouldn't be the last time she'd be stuck in a situation with Nemu, and things would be more awkward then if she didn't agree now. "Sounds like... fun?"

"Oh, it IS," Nemu assured her, her expression never changing in the slightest.

Rukia managed a weak smile, and sighed in relief when Captain Unohana officially began the meeting. The relief didn't last long, however, because ten minutes later, Rukia realized that Nemu was quietly inhaling the scent of her hair...

* * *

The newly-named Inoue Kouryou was currently enjoying his very first quadruple scoop strawberry sundae. It was a little too big for him to handle alone, and so it was lucky that he had his new mother to help out. He didn't even mind that she'd dumped guacamole and barbecue sauce on her half, nor did he question why she might keep such odd condiments stashed in her purse.

Savoring another bite of the sweet dessert, the tan-skinned nine year old took a moment to really look at his new mother. There was a blissful, almost vacant expression on her face as she swallowed another spoonful, totally unaware of the steadily growing greenish-brown stains on her lips as she ate.

Kouryou, for the first time in his life, thought a napkin might be called for, but was uncertain how his mother might react to such a gesture. Anyway, she would probably just end up with messy lips again in her next bite, so there was little point, he decided.

Orihime suddenly realized that her son had stopped eating. "Kou-kun? Is anything wrong?" she asked in concern.

He blinked, shook his head, and dug his spoon back into the ice cream without really looking. So by the time Orihime thought to warn him that he'd scooped from her side, he'd already gotten a big mouthful of strawberry ice cream, whipped cream, chocolate sauce, nuts, guacamole, and barbecue sauce. His eyes widened, and for a few seconds, Orihime thought their meal might be ruined.

Kouryou swallowed loudly, and over the course of the next few seconds, his tanned skin seemed to turn green, before returning to its original color.

Then, he shook his head to clear it, looked down at the bowl... and dug his spoon back into Orihime's side, being sure to get plenty of barbecue sauce.

Grinning, Orihime joined him, and together they made quick work of the treat, skillfully ignoring the other people that passed by their table, and either shook their heads or lost their lunches.

* * *

Being in the underground "room" beneath Urahara's shop again brought back plenty of memories for Ichigo, but he tried not to let that show on his face. He didn't want to freak out Yachiru or Hinamori, although he had no idea what they'd be put through there, either, since they already had shinigami powers.

Although he suddenly developed a pretty good idea, once he saw Ururu dragging out what looked like a strangely human-shaped cardboard cutout. And that was when it hit him.

Turning slowly to Yachiru, Ichigo picked her up and raised her to eye level, staring at her in undisguised shock. "Yachiru," he breathed, "you've reached Bankai!"

Yachiru stared back at him curiously. "I have?"

"She has?" Suteneko asked. "Oh. Someone should've said something."

Ichigo gave the cat an incredulous look. "How can you even ask that? You're here, talking to us, aren't you?"

Suteneko glared at him. "And? I could do that well before I met Yachiru. Human language isn't THAT complicated for a cat that's lived among them for so long."

"...oh. Well, um..." Ichigo turned helplessly to Hinamori. "What do you think?"

"It's odd," Hinamori said. "Suteneko was a cat before she was a weapon. I don't know if the same rules apply to her. It's true that she can manifest in the real world, but that might have more to do with her being FROM the real world, and less to do with Yachiru's strength."

"So... but... she..." Ichigo trailed off uncertainly.

"Awww. No Bankai party for me?" Yachiru whined sadly.

With an almost Urahara-like glint in her eyes, Ururu was quick to make a suggestion. "We could always have a 'Better Luck on Your Bankai' party. I'm sure I could give you a discount on some party supplies..."

"Yay, party!" Yachiru cheered, hugging Ichigo's neck.

"But we haven't even trained yet, Yachiru," Ichigo sighed.

"PARTYYY!" Yachiru said louder, determined to get her way.

There was an odd flash of movement, and then a familiar black cat simply appeared at Ichigo's feet. "Actually, she might just be entitled to that party, Ichigo. It all depends on your perspective, I suppose."

"How does that work?" Ichigo asked.

"Well, you must keep in mind that there tend to be exceptions to most rules. For example, I told you that all captains had to first reach Bankai. But I also told you that Captain Zaraki didn't, and still he was strong enough to easily do battle with any other captain. Yachiru seems to be in a similar situation. What she does have access to certainly seems to be on or near the same level as Bankai, and yet some would hesitate to call it that, based on the mere face that Suteneko has never literally been a sword. However, not achieving Bankai did not keep Captain Zaraki from his position, so I see no reason why Yachiru shouldn't at least get a 'Bankai Equivalency' party."

"...YAY, PARTY!" Yachiru cheered again, earning a loud groan from Ichigo.

"So then who's the cutout for?" Ichigo asked.

The black cat turned its head to Hinamori. "Her... eventually. But I think it would be best if I oversaw her training personally for a now. Don't worry, Ichigo. You go enjoy the party, and once you're done, we'll begin your training."

Ichigo blinked. "So, you're basically telling me that I got up at three in the morning... to go to a party?"

"No," Yachiru replied at once, a big grin on her face. "You got up at three in the morning to go to a party with ME. You're so LUCKY!"

"Well... so long as there's a good reason I can't go back to bed," Ichigo grumbled to himself.

* * *

Ishida Uryu did not have friends, in his opinion. He had occasional acquaintances (former classmates), business associates (his father and various clients), and alternative contacts (anyone who had ever entered or heard of the Soul Society). Sometimes people moved from one category to another, or straddled the line between them for a while, but that was about it.

At any rate, Uryu had carefully organized his schedule so that he had most of the day to work on his creations. Business was slow but constant: between the hospital, the high school, and Chad (who had to buy custom clothing nearly every two months), Uryu always had large orders to fill.

Special orders took precedence above all others, though. The last one had been a large quilt for the Kurosaki family, with Quincy crosses linking the different patches. Yuzu had baked him a carrot cake to thank him. Uryu ate one slice, thought immediately of Orihime, and left the rest on the front counter for his customers.

It wasn't that he missed her or anything. But things were quieter now, and Orihime no longer came by regularly to get little holes in her dresses repaired (she never said how they got there, but Uryu suspected they came from failed cooking attempts). For some reason, it never occurred to her to have her Shun Shun Rikka fix the damage, and Uryu would've felt awkward pointing that out. After all, it was possible but unlikely that Orihime just chose not to use her powers for her usual daily mishaps.

Uryu tried not to dwell on thoughts like that, though. It was best to focus on the present, and that meant completing orders in a timely and professional manner. Like Ichigo's recent order, for example.

It was no surprise that they'd very nearly come to blows, the first time Ichigo had ever come into the shop. Everything about Ichigo seemed to rub Uryu the wrong way. He was a shinigami, and worse, he was a loud, brutish, incredibly strong one.

And while no one would come out and say it, Ichigo was also the reason that Orihime had left town. Uryu had seen the way her face lit up when she saw Ichigo coming, only to be disappointed when it turned out to be Kon instead. It was obvious that Orihime was in love with him. Why, Uryu would never be able to fathom, but then nobody really knew how that girl's mind worked. Probably she had just reached the point where it became too much, knowing that Ichigo had not only left her behind, but that he'd left such a sorry excuse of a replacement as well.

But Orihime had never been one to complain. She had just quietly packed up her things and disappeared. Uryu hoped that she found some way to ease her pain, if only temporarily. She was a good, kind person, and like most people, didn't deserve the pain that Ichigo's presence put her through.

Such thoughts brought a sneer to Uryu's face, but the emotion did not reach his talented fingers, which were carefully cutting the white cloth spread over his workspace. Whatever his issues with Ichigo, Uryu had been paid well for his services, and would not let personal problems taint one of his masterpieces... even if it was for Ichigo.

* * *

Hinamori was not in a good mood. First, she was training under a cat. A cat that seemed to know far more about her than she was comfortable with. A cat that had been sitting nearby, watching her make no progress at all with the current task.

Although, the task itself, in Hinamori's mind, was impossible. She was supposed to somehow summon Tobiume, from sword form to avatar form, all without actually touching the sword. The cat had even stated that a vision of Tobiume's avatar, within the confines of Hinamori's mind, would've been acceptable.

There was just one little problem: Tobiume had not spoken to Hinamori in quite some time. Even worse, Hinamori could no longer recall exactly how long she'd been out of contact with Tobiume, and that fact shamed her. As near as Hinamori could tell, the last time she'd heard Tobiume's voice was some time before Aizen's supposed death. It was, in fact, astounding that Tobiume had responded at all when Hinamori had attacked Ichimaru Gin, and later Hitsugaya.

Now, though, all Hinamori could do was stare at the sheathed sword at her feet, wondering how she had fallen so far. She could not even sense Tobiume's familiar presence. It was as if her sword were just that: a simple sword, and nothing else.

"Have you ever wondered," the black cat said suddenly, "what it is like to be the sword of a shinigami?"

Hinamori stared at it curiously. "I guess not..." she murmured.

"Imagine, for a moment, that you are a sword. You live to bring your wielder strength, success, victory, or whatever they might ask of you. Now imagine that you suffer a great defeat. Your shinigami falls, and you lay useless at their feet. You want, more than anything, to be picked up, so that you can be used to avenge your wielder. Instead, you find that your shinigami is not at all interested in revenge, and even has tender feelings towards the person who hurt them, and yet they lash out at their allies. What should you do? Blindly attack those you know to be friends? Turn on the very hand that holds you? Or do nothing at all? What is the best path?"

"What are you saying?" Hinamori whispered.

The cat sighed. "Tobiume is confused. You have not behaved in a logical manner for a shinigami, and the state of your sword reflects that. What is it you think that Tobiume wants most of you?"

Hinamori bit her lip. "I-I don't know."

"Then let's try a simpler question. How do you think Tobiume feels about Aizen?"

"The same as I do," Hinamori replied at once.

The cat's eyes narrowed. "Then say so."

Pausing, Hinamori nodded. "Tobiume wants to save Captain Aiz-"

With no warning at all, Tobiume vanished from view.

Hinamori gasped, and in the same instant, something flew past her cheek, landing with a loud thud behind her. She slowly turned around to see her sword, now unsheathed and jammed into the ground. "How...?"

"I don't think Tobiume agrees with you," the cat observed quietly.

Hinamori blinked and raised a hand to her cheek. Her eyes widened when her fingers came away damp with blood. "But why?" She slowly approached the sword, shaking her head slightly. "Why, Tobiume?"

"Maybe if I attempt to kill you," said a calm, clear voice in her ear, "you will love me, as well."

In a red flash of light, the sword began to twist and grow, rapidly forming into a shining, silver tree with round, bright pink fruit. But even as the tree seemed to reach the height of its maturity, it started to die, leaning forward and twisting as the fruit fell to the ground, leaving a misshapen hunk of dead wood.

"Tobiume?" Hinamori gasped. "Is this what you've become?"

"This is what you made me," the voice replied. "THIS is what I've become."

The dead tree split down the middle and was torn apart from the inside, revealing a writhing, bright pink mass that leapt out and knocked Hinamori to the ground.

Hinamori's voice died in her throat as she stared up at a gigantic scorpion. In an instant, the monstrous pincers were at her throat.

"I would kill you now, if I thought it would rid either of us of this pain," Tobiume said softly. "But make no mistake, Hinamori. This is the last time I will appear before you, or speak to you, unless you make me a solemn vow."

"W-What do you want from me?" Hinamori breathed.

"Swear to me that we will hunt down Aizen, and that I will taste his blood, as his sword tasted yours. Swear that we will kill the bastard who tried to take you from me and everyone who cares about you. Swear that you stop pining after him like a lovesick fool, and destroy the monster who tossed you aside like so much trash. Do that, and I will serve you again. Refuse, and I will finish what he started."

"Tobiume... why are you doing this?"

"You still aren't listening to me, Hinamori. You haven't since Aizen clouded your mind and heart. Think about what's happening now. Haven't I always obeyed you faithfully? What do you think would drive me to attack you? To threaten your very life and my own existence? Either you accept that Aizen is our enemy, or I end us both here and now. Aizen used you, drove you to attack your friends, then tried to kill you and your friends, and turned his back on the Soul Society. That is why Ichigo has sworn to destroy him, and if you ever hope to be in Ichigo's heart, then you must do the same."

Hinamori felt like her world was crumbling around her. Everyone seemed to want her to either forget about Captain Aizen, or hate him. She didn't want to, but there no longer seemed to be any incentive in believing in him. All she knew for sure was that he had left her alone, and every time she tried to do something for him, she either got hurt or into serious trouble. Now her very own Tobiume was willing to kill her if she didn't put Aizen behind her and move on.

She was really starting to wish she'd gone to that silly party with Yachiru and Ichigo. But apparently, she wouldn't be able to do that, or anything else, unless she agreed with Tobiume.

"Did... Captain Aizen really do all the horrible things everyone says, Tobiume?" Hinamori asked softly.

"The simplest answer would be yes," Tobiume replied. "But the truth is that even with everything we're sure he did, he was able to cloud so many minds so effectively, that he may have done far worse things we're unaware of. But I don't care about any of that. All I care about is that he hurt you, and tried to take you away from me, Hinamori. For that alone, I will never forgive him. If you can't swear to me that you'll draw your sword against the man who tried to take your life, there's no point in you even having one, or being a shinigami. You might as well give up your life now, and hope to be reincarnated as a simple little girl with absolutely no problems."

"You'll help me find the right path?" Hinamori asked softly.

"That's what I'm trying to do now. That's what I'll always do, Hinamori. If you can't trust me, how can you trust anyone else?"

Sighing, Hinamori closed her eyes, and made her choice.

* * *

Like most children, Inoue Kouryou was uncertain of his first memory. But unlike them, this was not because he did not recall it, but because it didn't make much sense to him.

He remembered quite clearly walking through a park, seeing other children play, and being eight years old at the same time.

He had been born at the age of eight. This made no sense at all, and yet it was a fact, as clearly as he had ten fingers and ten toes.

None of that really bothered him anymore, though. Now that he had his new mother, and her unique taste in food, he was quite content.

For what seemed like months but was most probably only days, they had simply been driving, stopping at hotels, cheesy theme parks, and restaurants where they were kindly asked to leave after several hours of pigging out. They did not seem to be heading in any particular direction, and at no point did Kouryou ever see his mother consult a map.

It was odd, how this strange but pleasant woman had become a fixture in his life so quickly. She did not seem especially intelligent, she got lost very easily, and they'd had to have several copies of her car keys made, as she seemed to lock one pair inside the car almost daily.

And yet not once did Kouryou ever regret being in her care. Honestly, sometimes it seemed like she needed him more than he needed her.

But he was fine with that. She had done her best to take care of him, and the least he could do was return the favor every now and then. And the best place to start would probably be taking her keys away whenever she wasn't actually driving...

* * *

Rukia was not a heartless person, but even she had her limits. So when she opened her closet to find Kurotsuchi Nemu staring back at her, she had two reactions. The first was more of a reminder, to never, EVER again tell Ichigo that getting used to someone living in your closet was a terribly easy process, because clearly it was not (at least not when it was your closet). The second was more of a startled scream.

For her part, Nemu blinked, calmly reached out, and placed her hand over Rukia's mouth, muffling the rest of the scream. "I can appreciate your feelings, Ruki-chan," she said quietly, "but I must insist that you stop that, otherwise you'll defeat the purpose of my hiding here."

Rukia frowned beneath Nemu's hand. One of the MANY annoying things she was quickly discovering about Nemu was that she was just as stubborn as Yachiru when it came to nicknaming people. But so far, Rukia was the only person Nemu had given a nickname to, and maybe that was why they were both being so stubborn about it. Rukia was hoping to break Nemu of the habit before Ichigo and Yachiru returned, heard all about it, and had a field day with it.

Seeing that Rukia had calmed down somewhat, Nemu finally removed her hand. And if she did it a bit slowly, no, almost tenderly, well... that was just more of her being weird. At least, Rukia really, really hoped it was.

"Nemu-chan, why are you hiding in my closet?" Rukia demanded of her friend.

"I don't want to be found, obviously."

Rukia took a deep breath. "And who is it you don't want to find you?"

"My captain," Nemu replied.

Rukia very seriously considered kicking Nemu out at that point. "So if he finds you here, we're both dead!"

"Of course, I wound never endanger you in such a way, Ruki-chan," Nemu assured her. "I was very careful to remove all of his usual tracking devices. Even the ones that are rather uncomfortable to remove." She showed Rukia a small scar on her ankle as proof of this.

"But he's going to punish you when you actually do go back," Rukia pointed out.

"Yes," Nemu agreed with a frown. "But I don't mind much."

"Why not?!"

Nemu's lips spasmed, as if she were trying very hard to smile. "Because I got to spend more time with you, Ruki-chan."

Rukia's heart sank. If she weren't so sure that Captain Kurotsuchi had ten clones of Nemu in cold storage for when he inevitably lost all patience with her, Rukia might actually be worried for Nemu's safety. But as one of his greatest creations, Nemu was never in any real danger of being destroyed completely; the 12th Division captain was far too proud to even consider it.

"You look upset, Ruki-chan," Nemu observed. "Is anything wrong?"

At a loss, Rukia hugged Nemu awkwardly. "You can stay here as long as you want, Nemu-chan. But I do think you should go back to your Division tomorrow morning. I wouldn't want you getting in too much trouble for my sake."

"Would... it be possible for us to share your closet?" Nemu asked softly.

"Sure," Rukia replied with a smile... which quickly became an 'o' of surprise as she was yanked practically into Nemu's lap. "Ah! What are you doing?!"

"You said we could share it," Nemu pointed out reasonably, settling Rukia's body comfortably on her own before sliding the closet door shut, instantly shrouding them in darkness.

"Um, this isn't quite what I meant," Rukia murmured nervously. Normally, the lack of space wouldn't have bothered her much, but somehow being trapped in a closet with Nemu was more than a little disturbing.

Oh, and being on top of Nemu probably had something to do with it, too.

"You're always so very warm," Nemu commented suddenly.

It was such an odd thing to say that Rukia immediately knew Nemu was not referring to her being kind. And she had noticed that her friend's body temperature seemed to be slightly lower than everyone else's. Nemu's skin generally felt as if she'd just come in out of the cold... all the time. Rukia had never said anything about it, fearing it might be a sore topic.

"Well, it happens," was the only thing Rukia could respond with. She thought about trying to get off of Nemu, or at least shifting so they weren't touching quite as much, but that train of thought ended when she felt Nemu's hands come to rest lightly on her hips.

"Not with me. Never with me," Nemu said, in a tone that almost seemed envious.

Frowning, Rukia slowly lowered her head, gently pressing her cheek against Nemu's. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault." Nemu closed her eyes, breathing in deeply. "I don't believe such a thing is beneficial to, or efficient for my design, and so it was probably left out purposely. I am certain my captain wouldn't make such an oversight."

"But none of that takes your feelings into account," Rukia sighed. "And you still want to know, don't you? Just because he never intended for anyone to touch you, it doesn't mean you shouldn't be touched. I know you like it when we touch. Personally, I prefer your way of experimenting to his."

Nemu frowned. "His results would be more conclusive."

"His subject would also probably be in pieces, and useless for further study. Meanwhile, if you ever want to know something about me, or anything else, all you have to do is ask. That's just one of many reasons why it's good to have a friend."

"I... am glad that Overlord Matsumoto suggested we become friends. She must be very wise."

Rukia laughed. "I think it's more likely that she accidentally fixes things while trying to mess them up. But I'm glad we're friends, too, Nemu-chan."

"Would now be an appropriate time to discuss... boys? Overlord Matsumoto implied that it was a matter of great importance."

Rukia blinked and stared down at the curious expression on Nemu's face. "Somehow, I don't think you'll ever need to worry about boys. We should probably talk about girls, though."

"Why?" Nemu asked.

"Do you make a habit of touching boys the way you touch me?"

"You are the only one I touch on a regular basis."

"THAT's why."

* * *

Yachiru's impromptu party began somewhere around 4:20 AM.

The mysterious tremors began about thirty minutes after that, and continued for the better part of an hour, followed by almost an hour of silence.

Oddly enough, at no point did Ichigo sense an increase in Hinamori's spiritual pressure, and he was pretty sure he'd known Yoruichi long enough to recognize when she was fighting. So he had no idea who was letting off steam, only that they did it for longer than should be healthy for anyone who happened to be in the way.

Perhaps if the party had involved him a bit more, Ichigo wouldn't have noticed in the first place. So far, the party was merely Yachiru telling Ururu to get her something sweet, eating it, and occasionally telling Ichigo to take a bite before she ate the rest. Ichigo felt sick just watching the pint-sized lieutenant put all the sweets away. Ururu, however, was just taking pictures, certain that Yachiru had to be breaking some sort of world record.

After some time, Yoruichi (still in cat form) and Hinamori emerged from the "basement," only to find the party mostly over. Yachiru had eaten her fill and passed out in Ichigo's lap. Ururu, not wanting to be left out, PRETENDED to pass out and happened to land in what was left of Ichigo's lap. The true testament to Yachiru finally being full was that she couldn't even find the strength to kick Ururu away.

On the other hand, Yoruichi and Hinamori weren't in the best condition, either. Yoruichi was shaking dust out of her fur with every step, and Hinamori was covered from head to toe in what appeared to be deep scratches. There was an especially prominent one on her throat, and if it had been bleeding like the others, it almost certainly would've been fatal.

In fact, the only things that kept Ichigo from toppling both girls out of his lap and rushing to Hinamori was the tired, pleased smile on her face, and a warning look from Yoruichi.

"Uh... you two okay?" Ichigo asked uncertainly.

"Just fine, now," Hinamori replied. "I'm going to get cleaned up, then I'll probably sleep for the rest of the day." She moved past Ichigo, then changed her mind, doubled back, and gave him a not so quick peck on the cheek before heading for the bathroom.

Ichigo stared at Yoruichi blankly. "What the hell did you do to her?"

"I opened her eyes... and she opened mine to something you need to know," Yoruichi replied. "Ichigo, I refuse to believe that you can still be the same blind fool you were when I trained you the last time. Can you not see that girl is hopelessly in love with you?"

"H-Hinamori?" he gasped. "But WHY?"

"If I knew that, believe me, I'd talk her out of it at once," Yoruichi assured him. "Honestly, though, it might be the best thing for her if you did nothing to discourage her. Her love for you might very well be the key to regaining, and eventually surpassing her former strength."

"So I'm just supposed to lead her on?!" Ichigo demanded angrily.

"Of course not. But as you're NOT involved with anyone, I would advise you to make sure Hinamori knows that as well."

"What makes you think I'm not involved with someone? I could be!"

Yoruichi sighed. "Ichigo, I know it's easy to forget when I'm like this, but I am a woman. No woman in her right mind would send her boyfriend on a long trip with another woman who was so obviously in love with him."

"Wasn't that obvious," Ichigo mumbled.

"They'll expect you to speak up when you're giving orders," Yoruichi pointed out. "Now, if you're ready, we should get started. I think we should have a warm-up match, to see how far you've come."

"Okay," Ichigo agreed. "Who will I be fighting?"

"Me."

"Well... aren't you going to change first?" Ichigo asked, frowning.

"And what makes you so sure I can't kill you just as I am now?" Yoruichi asked, waving her tail.

"Nothing, but... I can't fight a cat!"

"Would you fight Yachiru if she came at you with Suteneko?"

"No! I'd distract her with some candy!"

"Ichigo, this is the next step in your training. If you can't defeat your lieutenant in battle, you have no business being a captain at all. If I felt Hinamori was ready, I've have you fight her instead. But as it is, I am the best one to challenge you. Yachiru would either be too gentle or too rough depending on her mood. So the best way for me to figure out where you need the most work is to fight you myself."

"I WILL fight you, as soon as you stop being a cat!"

Yoruichi glared at him. "Maybe you haven't figured this out yet, so I'll just tell you. This is my lesser form, but don't make the mistake of assuming I am somehow less deadly in it. There are more limits placed upon what I can do, but I have forgotten nothing. I will assume my true form when you prove to me that my current form isn't enough to handle you in battle."

"So the faster I beat you up as a cat, the faster you'll stop being one?"

"That's one way of putting it."

Ichigo nodded. "Fine. But how are you going to block my sword?"

"Silly boy," Yoruichi chuckled. "What makes you think I'll need to?"

* * *

Like most people in her unique position, Arisawa Tatsuki was still getting used to being a household name. Fans would run up to her in the street, asking her to sign any number of things, from hats to bare flesh (and always, ALWAYS, her biggest fans seemed to LITERALLY be her BIGGEST fans; she'd signed so many beer bellies it wasn't even funny).

Tatsuki was under no illusions, however. She knew that none of these people, however much they liked her, had directly contributed a single thing to her training. She had worked hard for, and earned everything that came to her. However, she also knew that the fans bought her merchandise, and the money from that helped to pay her coaches, her manager, and everyone else that helped her stay in top form.

So she did her best to make time for the fans, usually setting out for her appointments several hours early, just in case she got mobbed on the way, or asked to do some sort of charity event at the very last second. It was nice to be appreciated, and to see so many young girls that wanted to be just like her when they grew up.

It was also more than a little lonely.

Tatsuki had dreamed of doing this for a long time, but somehow, she had always assumed that she'd have her friends along for the ride, or at least one friend in particular. She had correctly assumed that Orihime wouldn't want to stay in Karakura after they graduated. Tatsuki hadn't, either: she'd gone to Orihime's apartment a week later, plane tickets in hand, planning to invite her friend to the first big karate competition. But she had only found an empty apartment, and a hastily written plea not to look for her.

And all Tatsuki could think to do at that point was stuff the note in her pocket, mutter a heartfelt, "Damn you, Ichigo," and then go home.

She didn't hate Ichigo, of course. He was her friend, most of the time, and it wasn't his fault he was an idiot: he was a boy, his father was an idiot, and his mother had died when he was a kid. Under those circumstances, even Uryu would've wasted a couple of brain cells. The difference was that Ichigo's idiocy constantly put a strain on Orihime's heart, and apparently, she'd had enough.

Tatsuki was personally annoyed with both of them. Orihime had passed up every chance to tell Ichigo how she felt, to hang out with him, to even accept his offers of walking her home. And probably as a direct result, Ichigo never thought of her as someone he'd consider dating: she never seemed to want to be around him, after all. Each time Tatsuki had tried to force them together, either Orihime ran off, or Ichigo did, usually with his "friend," Rukia (Tatsuki wasn't convinced, but Ichigo wasn't the type to lie to her, so it was probably just a one-sided crush on Rukia's part).

Unfortunately, common sense had little place in Orihime's world, and no amount of teasing or bonks on the head had helped her see that Ichigo would never be the one to show interest first (even those offers to walk Orihime home were mostly because Ichigo was secretly, unavoidably a nice guy, and couldn't help but notice that Orihime was more than a little accident-prone).

Therefore, it wasn't really Ichigo's fault when he left. He still thought of Orihime as little more than a weird, nice girl that he knew through Tatsuki, even if they'd become a little more friendly on their mysterious summer vacation. Orihime had said nothing in all that time, as usual, so he had no reason to see her any differently.

But in true idiot fashion, Ichigo had left a body double that was one part pervert, and one part pimp. Tatsuki had no idea where he'd dug up this Kon, only that she wished he hadn't bothered. However Orihime had been managing in Ichigo's absence, having to put up with Kon every day had clearly pushed her to the breaking point. Seeing someone that looked exactly like Ichigo chasing every girl with a pulse and a decent-sized rack had been a bit much for everyone (except Chizuru, who instantly became Kon's preferred and only running buddy). While Orihime was the type of person that could be happy if the one she loved was happy, no force in the world could make her put up with Kon any longer than she absolutely had to.

Tatsuki wasn't at all surprised that Orihime had left, just hurt that she hadn't said anything to anyone, herself included. It was completely unlike Orihime to just disappear without informing her friends. At the very least, she normally would've said something to Tatsuki, Chad, or Uryu. Chad remained confident that Orihime would come back one day, but Uryu had thrown a relatively small tantrum and stopped speaking to everyone but Chad... which wasn't as bad as it sounded, since Chad was just about the only person that could stand Uryu's presence for more than ten minutes.

It was incredibly childish, but it was also the act of a frustrated young man that clearly had no idea he was in love with a sweet, silly girl, who had no romantic feelings for him whatsoever. There wasn't much Tatsuki could do, except toss some business his way every few months to keep him from skipping town, too. If nothing else, Uryu had produced the most comfortable workout clothes she'd ever worn... and if she could've worn them outside without someone mistaking her for a very religious marathon runner, Tatsuki might've overlooked the huge Quincy cross sewn into the backs of the jackets.

Sadly, both the city and the hotel she was currently staying in were a little chilly, so Tatsuki's options were to freeze on her morning run, or be comfortable and a bit unstylish. She went with the latter, and only had to endure what she assumed were a few enthusiastic Christians honking at her as they drove by.

It was still pretty early when she got back to the hotel, so Tatsuki took a quick shower, threw on an old pair of sweats, and decided to find herself some breakfast. She had never really been the room service type, and since she didn't have another competition for a few months, fast food was calling her like a dear old friend she hadn't seen in years. She would have to work it off later, but that was then, and this was now.

On the way to the elevator, she briefly considered calling Chad, just to see if he'd heard from Orihime yet, but decided against it. Orihime had her cell phone number, and as far as Tatsuki knew, they were still on good terms, so there was no good reason why Orihime couldn't call her. Of course, knowing Orihime, she'd probably come up with some weird explanation that would make no sense at all.

Just as Tatsuki stepped into the elevator, she heard someone shout, "Wait! Hold the elevator, please!" Ignoring her stomach's grumbling protests, Tatsuki stuck out her foot to keep the door from closing. The door slid back just in time for a panting young woman to rush in, leading a surprisingly calm child by the hand.

Tatsuki didn't really expect any thanks: the woman was leaning against the wall and trying to catch her breath, while the child was just watching her with both concern and amusement in his eyes.

Finally, though, the woman stopped gasping for air and stood up straight. "Oh, thanks so much, Tatsuki," she sighed.

For her part, Tatsuki gaped a little. NOBODY used her given name anymore, mostly because she wouldn't let them. Even her manager couldn't get away with that. Frowning, she was about to correct the stranger, but then the woman said something truly odd.

"Kou-kun, where are your manners? Say hello to Tatsuki, she's your aunt!"

The child gave Tatsuki a considering look before finally nodding what was apparently his approval.

Tatsuki wasn't frowning anymore, but only because she was staring hard at the woman, who was becoming more familiar by the second. "O-Orihime, is that you?!" she demanded.

The woman blinked slowly and turned to look at her for several seconds. Then her eyes lit up. "Tatsuki! So that's why you look so much like Tatsuki!"

There was no good way for Tatsuki to respond to that, so she could only stand there numbly as Orihime gave her a huge hug.

"I missed you!" Orihime said excitedly. "Wow, you're so tall now! And your hair, it's-"

"Exactly the same?" Tatsuki offered dryly.

"Really? Oh. Well, it's still nice!"

"Orihime," Tatsuki sighed wearily, "where have you been?"

"Um, just driving around with my son, really. Oh, we just came from this really neat-"

Tatsuki's brain slammed to a halt. "Wait, go back. Your WHAT?"

"My son," Orihime repeated with a proud smile, gesturing to the boy beside her. "Kou-kun."

Tatsuki stared at her friend in growing fear, doing her best to resist the urge to cry. "Oh, Orihime... tell me you didn't?"

"Didn't what?" Orihime asked innocently.

Shaking her head, Tatsuki gave Orihime a firm hug. "Who's the father?"

"I have no idea!" Orihime said brightly, wincing when Tatsuki squeezed a little tighter. "Um, Tatsuki? That's starting to hurt..."

"Don't you worry, Orihime. As soon as we get home, I'm going to beat Ichigo within an inch of his life. This is all HIS fault! If he hadn't hurt you, you wouldn't have gone out and... and..."

"Found Kou-kun?"

Tatsuki froze. "You FOUND him?"

"Uh huh. In an orphanage!"

Tatsuki slowly backed up, holding Orihime at arm's length. "Why didn't you say that before?!" she shouted.

"Well, I thought it was obvious. It hasn't been THAT long since we've seen each other, just a couple of months!"

A dark scowl, that seemed more fitting for Ichigo's face, suddenly appeared on Tatsuki's. "When we get out of this elevator, we are going to get some handcuffs. I'm going to put them on us, and you're not getting away from me until you tell me EVERYTHING."

Orihime blinked. "Well, okay, but how are we going to go to the bathroom?"

"Very, very carefully," Tatsuki replied firmly.

* * *

"Stop moving, dammit!" Ichigo shouted in frustration, aiming another stab at the black cat that vanished and reappeared just beside his sword.

"Now, what would be the point if I did that?" Yoruichi asked calmly. "Any idiot can hit a target that stands still."

"You're really starting to piss me off, you know."

The cat beamed at him. "I know; isn't it great?"

Scowling, Ichigo pulled back his sword and jammed it into the ground. "You lied about this being your lesser form, didn't you?" he demanded. "You're really faster now than you are in your real body."

"An interesting theory," Yoruichi murmured. "What brought you to that brilliant conclusion?"

"You're smaller, so you should be faster now. And I could catch you before!"

"First, I wasn't going all out when you caught me, and second, my real form has more strength to draw on. Keep in mind that the main reason I even have a lesser form is so I can hide myself better. Logically, that means I'm less powerful this way, because my focus is on staying concealed. I have access to less of my power now. The fact that you can't hit me has less to do with me being faster, and more to do with you just not being fast enough. Lucky for you, that's something we can work on while you're here."

"What if I AM already fast enough?" Ichigo said. "Without the human world restrictions, I mean? Remember, that last time we trained, we were in the Soul Society."

"Trust me, you're not fast enough," Yoruichi said smugly. "And even if you were, you STILL need to get faster. Just matching my speed might not be enough. You might need to go beyond it."

Ichigo sighed and glared at her. "Have I told you how much I hate you today?"

"I'm sure it was implied. Now, let go of your sword for a moment. I just thought of the perfect way to increase your speed."

Frowning, Ichigo stepped away from Zangetsu... then gasped in shock and quickly turned away as Yoruichi returned to her human form. "I'M NOT LOOKING!!!"

Yoruichi laughed at him. "Ichigo, if I minded you looking, I wouldn't keep transforming in front of you."

"JUST PUT SOME CLOTHES ON ALREADY!"

"Sorry, but I can't," she replied. "I don't have any here with me, and this next part requires that I stay naked."

"WHY?!"

Smirking, Yoruichi casually wrapped her hand around Zangetsu's hilt and drew the sword out of the ground. "Because you'd only run so fast if I was just naked and chasing you. But now that I'm doing that with your sword..."

Ichigo's eyes bugged out as he peeked over his shoulder, only to see Zangetsu's hilt nestled in what looked like a VERY comfortable place. He could just imagine the old man passed out on the ground, shades hanging off of his face and bleeding heavily from the nose. Then he remembered himself and quickly looked away.

Chuckling, Yoruichi purred, "I'll give you a three second head start, okay, Ichigo?"

"Yoru-!"

"Three!"

"AAAAHHH!!!" Ichigo screamed as he dove out of the way, just as Zangetsu passed over his head, taking a few orange hairs with it. "DAMMIT, YORUICHI!!!"

"I don't see you running, Ichigo!" Yoruichi said with a wide grin as she raised the sword again.

"YOU DAMN CRAZY CAT LADY!!!" Ichigo howled as he took off running with Yoruichi just behind him, cackling all the while. "WHAT IS IT ABOUT THIS STUPID SHOP THAT MAKES EVERYONE NUTS?!"

* * *

Hinamori awoke from several hours of rest to find that she was feeling much better. Someone (most likely Ururu) had come in and bandaged her wounds while she was asleep, and left a small, still warm, covered plate of food. Someone ELSE (no doubt Yachiru) had piled some powdered doughnuts into what was once a bowl of fruit. Hinamori opened her mouth to laugh, only to realize that it was watering, and quickly ate a doughnut without thinking. She'd eaten two more before she could get the plate uncovered.

In the end, Hinamori ate everything, much to her surprise. Normally, she didn't eat much, but the training with Tobiume must've taken more out of her than she'd first thought.

"It was for the best, wasn't it, Tobiume?" she murmured.

As if in response, the sheathed sword seemed to pulse and briefly glow hot pink at her side.

"I thought you'd say that." She paused when she heard footsteps stop outside the door.

"Hey, um... Hinamori?" said a voice that was obviously Ichigo's. "You up yet?"

Hinamori quickly licked the remaining powdered sugar from her fingers. "Yes. You can come in, Ichigo."

The door slowly slid open, and Ichigo poked his head in. There was a large bandage covering his forehead, and several smaller ones decorating his cheeks. "I was a little worried when you didn't come out for dinner. You okay?"

"It's just been a long time since I trained that hard," she said, smiling at him. "I'll be fine. I see she didn't go easy on you, either."

He shrugged, scratching his head. "Yoruichi isn't really the type to go easy on anyone. But she always seems to know exactly what you need. I owe her a lot."

"Looks like she's collecting. Have you already given her that footrub?"

Ichigo scowled. "No, dammit. I just know she's going to take pictures or something..."

Hinamori did her best to cover her mouth, but a giggle slipped out. "Sorry. Really."

"Why does everyone get off on my suffering?" he grumbled.

She sobered up quickly as he turned to leave. "Ichigo?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry. For not believing you. About... Aizen."

He glanced back at her curiously. "What changed your mind?"

"Tobiume," Hinamori said softly, brushing her fingers against her throat.

Ichigo's eyes widened. "You got a tattoo?"

She stared at him. "What are you talking about?"

"On your throat. There's a little pink scorpion. It wasn't there this morning."

"...oh. That." Hinamori had no idea what he was talking about, but suddenly, she DID know. "It's a symbol of my new bond with Tobiume." This didn't seem like a lie, and on some level, she knew it wasn't. "Do you... like it?"

"It's, uh... distinctive. But it suits you."

"Suits me how?"

A blank look appeared on Ichigo's face, but only for an instant. "Hell, I don't know! You think I know anything about girls?"

For no reason that she could explain, Hinamori found that incredibly funny, and another giggle slipped out of her. "You're so funny, Ichigo! That's why I love yo-" She trailed off abruptly, her eyes wide. "Um, I mean-"

"I don't know anything about girls," Ichigo repeated stubbornly. "Don't have a girlfriend, see?" With that, he quickly left the room.

"Well, THAT could've gone worse," Hinamori groaned, burying her face in her hands. She jumped when a heavy hand came to rest gently on top of her head a moment later.

"You should laugh more, Hinamori," Ichigo said quietly. "I can see why Toushiro misses it. I would, too."

* * *

Yuzu wanted to ask questions, especially when she saw how cut up Ichigo and Hinamori were. But she had learned that when it came to Ichigo and his strange friends, it was better not to ask.

Not that she had much of a chance to ask questions. The moment Ichigo, Hinamori, and Yachiru got back, they all went to bed.

Well, they did in the sense that they all climbed into a bed. Yachiru was the only one that actually stayed awake long enough for proper questioning. It helped that they were also sharing a room, and that Yachiru never seemed to get tired, anyway. So all Yuzu really had to do was act like she WASN'T grilling Yachiru for information.

"You seem to be the only one that isn't exhausted, Yachiru. Why is that?" Yuzu asked as she got into her bed.

"Oh, that's cuz I'M the strongest!" Yachiru announced brightly, giggling as she bounced on her own bed (actually, it was Karin's).

Yuzu smiled faintly. "So then... whatever they're doing... it's not too painful?"

Yachiru blinked and eyed her curiously. "They've had worse," was all she would say, suddenly sounding more serious.

"It's just... I worry about Ichigo sometimes," Yuzu whispered. "I mean, he can take care of himself, and he's really strong, but... when he goes off by himself, I wonder... how he's doing, and I need to know that he's, at least, happy, or-"

"It's okay to worry a little," Yachiru interrupted. "So long as you don't let it hurt you. Ichi-kun wouldn't like that. He told me so."

"He... talks about me?" Yuzu asked in surprise.

"He says I don't cut his hair like you do," Yachiru grumbled, pouting. "And he won't let me dye it red!"

Yuzu giggled. "Um, that's too bad?"

"I know!" Yachiru exclaimed.

"So, you two... are really close, then?"

Yachiru blinked slowly. Yuzu's voice had gotten very soft all of a sudden. "Sure!"

"Promise me you'll look after him, Yachiru? Ichigo... he's very impulsive, and he doesn't always think when he should. I don't want him to get mixed up with the wrong type of girl. You won't let that happen, right?"

"No floozies!" Yachiru agreed with a firm nod.

"You have to promise, Yachiru," Yuzu murmured, stretching out her hand. "You have to be his little sister now. Make him smile when he's sad. Make him happier when he's happy. Make him stop when he's about to get into big trouble. Take good care of him for me."

"I promise," Yachiru said, shaking her hand. "I do all that stuff, anyway! And now he has to come to all my tea parties!"

"Yes, that's very important," Yuzu agreed. "Also... make sure he knows that he makes you happy, too. Sometimes he forgets."

"Boys are dumb that way," Yachiru sighed. "Hey, do you have any stories where Ichi-kun was naked and wet?"

Needless to say, the conversation got VERY interesting at that point.

**End of Chapter 5.**

* * *

**Next Chapter: Little Red Riding Hollow**

In which Uryu makes something special for Ichigo, Rukia introduces Nemu to wondrous world of double blind dating, and Kouryou encounters his first Hollow… at a salad bar.

Endnotes:

Kouryou: dragon which has already ascended to the heavens

Why did Orihime name her son after a dragon? I'm sure I'll enjoy seeing your best guesses. Although there's actually more than one good reason, and you might even have one that I missed. Trying to transfer Orihime's unique tastes into more familiar foods was kinda hard. I only chose those two "condiments" because I like one and can't stand the other, and both seem out of place on ice cream. But please, PLEASE don't ever put guacamole and/or barbecue sauce in your sundae unless you have magic fairies that can clean out your digestive tract; I don't want to be held responsible for any deaths.

The Bankai equivalency thing? That's me winging it. And you know what? If Zaraki can cheat his way into Captain, who are YOU to say Yachiru can't cheat her way into Bankai? Mind you, when I say "cheat," I don't mean it in the traditional "breaking or bending the rules" kinda way. No, I mean "totally disregarding the rules, then beating them to a bloody pulp and leaving them for dead" kinda way. So it's not that they haven't EARNED the right. It's just that they're strong enough to TAKE the right, either way. And in the same way you can't say Zaraki wasn't Captain Zaraki, you can't say that Yachiru doesn't have Bankai. I might even describe it for you at some point...

I know, you're going to ask at what point a plum tree becomes a scorpion. My answer? That's just how f'ed up things get when you continue to love the guy that stabbed you. But really, apparently there are tree scorpions. I don't know HOW they're connected to trees, they just are, and it was two in the morning when I found out, so I was just glad there was ANY connection at all.

I'm just assuming that Yoruichi's cat form is more for hiding than anything else. Only people that know her ever seem to sense anything weird about the cat form (unless she's talking, anyway). I suspect she can hide her spiritual pressure better in that form, too, if only because she's an animal, and a shinigami would obviously be looking for another shinigami.

Nemu is at least a bit OOC, I know. Maybe I shouldn't have been reading EVA fanfics before working on this story. But I don't think it's too out of line to assume that Captain Kurotsuchi might have "accidentally" destroyed Nemu in a fit of rage, so he would have a real need for back-up bodies.

For anyone that might've been confused about Yachiru and Ichigo's relationship. I think she's just a bit too childlike to be romantically involved with Ichigo. I really think Ichigo would draw the line at a girl that looked much younger than Rukia. He has two kid sisters, after all. This isn't to say I wouldn't pair Yachiru with anyone, just not him.

This chapter title inspired by "Puss in Boots," who has now totally sold his soul and will forever more be remembered as the sassy kitty voiced by Antonio Banderas. Although I have to say I think it's an improvement, since I can't recall what the original story was about in the first place. Probably wasn't even that interesting, if they still haven't milked it into a successful movie trilogy by now.


	6. Little Red Riding Hollow

Notes: Taking certain liberties with the relationship between Soifon and Yoruichi. Or maybe I'm not, according to, oh, pretty much EVERY Bleach doujinshi featuring them. Also, there's a trip to a porn store, plus Chizuru and Kon, in this chapter. That's all the warning you get.

**Ichigo and the Beanstalk**

**A Bleach Fairy Tale by**

**Nate Grey (XMAN0123-at-aol-dot-com)**

**Chapter 6: Little Red Riding Hollow**

* * *

Inoue Kouryou was no stranger to salad bars, having retired several of them in his short life. He still recalled the day that his mother had first introduced them to him. She had knelt down and wrapped her arms around him from behind, resting her chin on his shoulder. This, she only did when she shared things of the greatest importance, and it was really the only way to ensure his full attention. Really, it was less that Kouryou enjoyed the close contact, and more that he was so unused to it that it always immediately demanded his full attention.

"That is a salad bar, Kou-kun," she'd said, her voice soft with wonder. "It has all sorts of veggies and fruits that are very good for your tummy. And if you mix six different kinds of salad dressing, you can barely even taste them!"

Kouryou had taken this as something of a personal challenge, and now insisted on SEVEN different kinds of salad dressing. More often than not, this burned his tongue and gave him a mild case of the shakes, which was curious, since salad dressing itself was usually served quite cold.

This night, Kouryou was less focused on his conquest of yet another restaurant's salad bar, and more curious about the Tatsuki woman that his mother seemed to know. He still hadn't made up his mind about her. Tatsuki smelled of sweat and strength, a delightful combination, but more than once she had shouted at his mother, which concerned him. He understood that his mother could be a little frustrating, and Tatsuki did usually quiet down once his mother apologized or touched her arm.

Even when his mother had sent him off with a fresh plate and a tender kiss on the forehead, Kouryou kept one eye on their table the whole time. Tatsuki seemed to have gotten most of the shouting out of her system, but she was still frowning quite a bit as his mother talked almost nonstop. Sometimes Tatsuki would glance over at him, almost suspiciously, and Kouryou didn't know what to make of that. HE hadn't done anything wrong; his mother often told him what a good boy he was, and he agreed with her.

At any rate, Kouryou was nearly done loading his plate when someone else soundly defeated the salad bar, although they didn't do it in the traditional way. No, they did it by breaking the entire salad bar in half, and tossing both halves toward the smoking section of the restaurant.

Curious but calm, Kouryou looked up to find... a creature looming over him. It was enormous, largely black, and had a white, snarling face.

More importantly, it was holding a salad fork.

With very deliberate motions, Kouryou put his plate to the side, and drew his ever-present butcher knife from the thick leather belt his mother had bought for him. He cleared his throat and pointed the knife at the creature, in what he understood to be the traditional acceptance of a challenge.

The creature did not seem to notice him at all. It was busy tossing chairs, tables, and when it could reach them, people.

Kouryou was quite annoyed by this. Frowning, he stepped forward and poked the creature experimentally with his knife.

Still, there was no visible reaction.

By now, Kouryou had spotted his mother and the familiar sight of her glowing, triangular shield as she guided people out of harm's way. Tatsuki, strangely enough, was staring directly at him. He filed that bit of info away for later.

The creature had now run out of things to throw, and finally caught sight of Kouryou. Roaring angrily, it dove at him.

With no real thought to what he was doing, Kouryou's arm jerked up, his knife no more than a flash of blue as it cut deeply into the creature's face, but only enough to leave a large dent in its chin.

"Hey, OW!" the creature shouted unexpectedly.

Kouryou blinked, and the creature was gone. In its place was a tiny girl, wearing a red, backwards baseball cap, and an angry expression.

"What was that for?!" she demanded, still holding her chin. "Get your own tuna fish!"

Kouryou found this all very odd. He was certain that this girl and the creature were the same entity, or at least one turned into the other. Puzzled, he offered her his plate, which contained, among other things, tuna and saltine crackers, smothered in Ranch, Italian, and Bleu Cheese dressing.

The girl made a face, carefully picked out a cracker with tuna on it, and muttered what might have been her thanks.

While she was busy being disgusted, Kouryou experienced a strange urge, and decided to follow it. He stepped closer, and gently but firmly tapped her forehead with the handle of his butcher knife.

"Well, if you're going to be rude about it!" the girl snapped, sticking out her tongue before storming off. She faded from sight somewhere between the restrooms and the dessert display.

Shrugging, Kouryou put his knife away, and turned around just in time to be engulfed in a warm hug.

"Kou-kun!" Orihime cried, smashing his face into her considerable chest. "You're not hurt? I was so worried when I couldn't find you! Did that mean monster scare you?"

Even if Kouryou had wanted to answer, he was a little busy trying to breathe, so all he could really do was squirm until Tatsuki rescued him by tugging on the back of his shirt.

"He's fine, Orihime," Tatsuki grumbled. "At least, he was until you started suffocating him..."

Kouryou blinked and frowned. It was clear from Tatsuki's expression that she had been watching him the whole time.

"Are you sure?" Orihime asked worriedly, cuddling her son a bit more gently. "I lost track of him during all the-"

"Orihime, he just took down a Hollow without getting a scratch. He's FINE."

"You... know about Hollows, Tatsuki?"

Tatsuki didn't answer. Of course she knew about Hollows. She'd been attacked by at least one, and the one that she did recall had forced her to attack Orihime. Admittedly, the memory was a little hazy, but that was not something easily forgotten.

That, plus she'd beaten the truth out of Kon when she happened to see him defending Yuzu from what looked like an overgrown caterpillar two months ago.

That Orihime was surprised that Tatsuki knew about the existence of Hollows only confirmed a theory she'd long had: she wasn't SUPPOSED to remember, which meant something or someone had tampered with her memory. Then again, it also meant that either they'd done a poor job, or Tatsuki herself was somehow gradually breaking the memory block. She wasn't sure how to feel about that, but she would rather know the whole truth than be in the dark about something so dangerous, especially if Orihime was involved.

"We have bigger issues than me knowing about Hollows," Tatsuki said. "Your son didn't exorcise that Hollow by normal means. He reverted it back into a dead soul. I've never seen that done before."

"Well, what's wrong with that?" Orihime asked. "Shinigami have to deal with dead souls and Hollows."

"But they don't turn one into the other!"

"Maybe they should!"

"Orihime, why can't you just admit that there's something strange about that boy? He's not-"

"Stop picking on my Kou-kun!" Orihime demanded, moving the boy behind her. "Whatever he can do, he's my son, and I will protect him!"

Tatsuki fell silent. She'd never seen Orihime look so determined about anything, and she knew that if she didn't let this drop, things would only get worse. It was just that Orihime knew next to nothing about the boy, where he'd come from, or what he could do. Not knowing those types of things could be extremely dangerous.

"I'm just trying to protect you," Tatsuki said at last. "That's my job, you know."

Orihime's face softened. "I know that, Tatsuki. But things are different now. Kou-kun is my son. So you have to protect him, too."

"Orihime..."

"I love him, Tatsuki," Orihime said softly. "Please understand. He heals the pain in my heart. You said whatever helps me move on, right?"

Tatsuki closed her eyes tightly and sighed. It was times like this that caused her to fall back upon what was quickly becoming her personal chant.

"Damn you, Ichigo," she muttered under her breath.

* * *

Ichigo sneezed. Which was really not a good thing, considering his current predicament.

"GET HIM!" Yachiru shrieked at the top of her lungs, suddenly appearing over his head with a sword clutched in both hands. In the same instant, Ururu popped into existence just below his waist, also wielding a sword.

Ichigo was in no position to dodge either of them, so he covered his head with his hands and hoped for the best. The swords were fake, made of some durable but bendable material that hurt about as much as a slightly heavy pillow did. However, when swung by miniature, demonic children such as Yachiru and Ururu, such tools became nothing less than sticks of unimaginable pain. He already had some good-sized bruises on his arms and legs, and even worse, they probably weren't using their full strength.

The amazing part, in Ichigo's eyes, was that for two girls who supposedly loved him so much, they seemed to take great pleasure in beating him up.

But the expected pain never came, though it was replaced by something far, far worse.

"SMOOCHIES!!!" Yachiru squealed, latching onto Ichigo's shoulder and planting a loud, wet kiss on his cheek.

Ichigo cringed, less because he didn't like being kissed, and more because there was far too much saliva involved in these. But then, that was why he was meant to dodge them at all costs. He was reminded of this fact, very rudely, when Ururu somehow burrowed beneath his clothes and blew an extremely wet raspberry on his navel.

"GAAAAH!!!" Ichigo screamed, slapping wildly at his clothes as Ururu tumbled out, thoroughly red-faced... and yet, suspiciously gleeful.

"Nice one, Ururu!" Yachiru giggled as she hopped to the ground, patting Ururu on her back. "Next time, I'll hold him down while you drool on his face!"

"Damn girls," Ichigo grumbled, wishing for simpler times. Why couldn't they just be interested in kicking his butt, like Tatsuki had been when they were kids?

"That's enough for now," Yoruichi announced, sounding far too amused for Ichigo's liking. "Good job, girls. We'll pick this up again later."

"Yes, Ichi-sensei!" Yachiru replied, saluting the black cat at once.

Yoruichi's tail twitched irritably. "What did you call me?"

"Ichi-sensei!"

"Do I dare ask why?"

"Because you're the number one sensei!" Yachiru said with a brilliant smile, kneeling down to rub her cheek against Yoruichi's.

Yoruichi felt strangely offended, and more importantly, violated by the girl's affections. "Yes, well, you can STOP THAT now, thank you!"

"Not so great when they're after you, is it?" Ichigo muttered with a smirk.

Yoruichi pointedly ignored him. "Yachiru, please go and get Hinamori so you two can work on your manifestations together. Depending on how far you get, I might be willing to let you have tomorrow all to yourselves."

"Yes, Ichi-sensei!" Yachiru saluted again and ran off to fetch Hinamori.

"So we can have a day off?" Ichigo asked in surprise.

"Actually, Yachiru tells me that you two have a mission to complete." The black cat took great pleasure in smirking at him. "Something about a girly book...?"

Ichigo groaned, hoping Yachiru would've forgotten about that by now. "Dammit..."

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Ichigo," Yoruichi commented. "I mean, if you'd just been brave enough to ask, I wouldn't have minded posing for you while you took some pictures to remember me by..."

"IT'S NOT FOR ME!" Ichigo shouted. "See, I KNEW something like this would happen! Damn horny Rangiku, gets more sex than everybody combined and sends ME to get her stupid porn for her wimpy boyfriend..."

"I was under the impression that you liked Hanataro?"

Ichigo frowned, knowing better than to ask how Yoruichi had known about Hanataro being Rangiku's latest boy toy. Honestly, he was a little surprised that she hadn't joked about it earlier. "Well, I did, up until recently. It should be a rule that if you're dating a girl that horny, it's your own damn responsibility to make sure you can please her."

"Hmm." Yoruichi had that smug look again. "Refresh my memory, Ichigo. How many girlfriends have you had?"

"None. And IF I'd had any, I'd have gotten my OWN damn porn and done my OWN damn research, dammit!"

"I see. Well, I don't claim to be an expert, but I'm guessing you'd have better luck with the girls if you, oh, I don't know, didn't talk for a few months."

"Hold on," Ichigo said slowly. "Weren't you just telling me the other day how my NOT having a girlfriend was helping Hinamori get back on track?"

"Yes," Yoruichi admitted. "And hopefully, when she's over you in, say, a century or two, you'll remember my advice, and someone other than Yachiru will be able to put up with you. Assuming you don't talk. That's essential."

"I'm starting to understand people that throw heavy objects at annoying cats," Ichigo muttered.

"Cats don't get sent out to pick up porn for others. And if they did, they wouldn't need a little girl to go with them."

Ichigo groaned and shook his head. "I would so throw a rock at you, if I thought it had any chance of hitting you."

* * *

Rukia was slowly but surely becoming aware of a little-known fact. At first, she'd brushed it off as nonsense, mostly because Ichigo had been the one that first proposed it to her. Now, though, she could readily accept that he was right.

Matsumoto Rangiku was pure evil.

Of course, it was probably Rukia's fault for making the mistake of trusting the woman again. Even now, she wasn't sure why she'd done it. After the recent failure to convince Matsumoto that Ichigo was in real danger with Hinamori at his side, Rukia should've known better. She was almost certain she HAD.

But then Matsumoto had wondered by, and supposedly, innocently asked how things were going with Nemu.

Without thinking, Rukia had explained that she was considering setting Nemu up with a date. Well, not an ACTUAL date. She had been introduced to the concept of "play dates" in the human world, though it seemed to be exclusively for children. Still, the concept was solid: spending time together, having fun, and going back to your respective homes when it was over. If things didn't go well, the two parties never had to see each other again. If fun was had by all, then they would do it again. That was PERFECT for Nemu.

It had all been Rukia's idea. She had figured that trying to find a nice, quiet girl from the 4th Division would be a good place to start. There wouldn't be much conversation, but then Nemu wasn't all that good at it, so Rukia had planned to do most of the talking, anyway.

Surprisingly, Matsumoto had found a flaw in Rukia's plan.

"So it's going to be Nemu, some girl you find for her, and... you? Nobody goes on a date with a representative, Rukia-chan. And even on play dates, both children have a parent with them. It keeps things balanced. The numbers have to be even, or it's just weird. Didn't you know that?"

Having never gone on a date herself, Rukia HADN'T known that. She didn't tell Matsumoto that, but it was probably evident from the way her cheeks had turned red.

"Oh, but don't you worry your pretty little head about a thing," Matsumoto had said, laying what seemed like, at the time, a reassuring hand on Rukia's shoulder. "Just leave everything to me!"

In Matsumoto's defense, she had come through, and improved upon Rukia's plan. Instead of a date with an extra person, it was now a double date. Rukia didn't mind that part so much. She wasn't really looking to date anyone, but if she happened to hit it off with someone, she wouldn't be opposed to seeing them again.

Yet, there were still flaws in Matsumoto's plan.

First, they had both assumed that pairing Nemu with a girl would be best.

But only Matsumoto had assumed that pairing Rukia with a boy, on the same date, would be both awkward and rude. After all, Rukia had convinced Nemu that she would have more interest in girls. What was Nemu going to think if Rukia showed up to the date with a boy? It was only fair that Rukia be paired with a girl, too, then.

But, for whatever reason, Matsumoto had not thought to notify Rukia of this decision, and Rukia had not really thought about it, until she showed up to a coffee shop with Nemu and got a very big shock.

The next flaw was more a matter of opinion. Rukia had never actively dated, but in general thought of herself as being somewhat attractive. More than a few people in the human world had described her as "cute" and "rabbit-like," both of which seemed like good qualities to her.

With Matsumoto, on the other hand, cute didn't quite cut it. In her opinion, Rukia needed help in attracting a desirable partner. A LOT of help. So MUCH help, in fact, that she'd come up with a contingency plan, just in case Rukia and/or Nemu's dates backed out at the last minute. This was all fine and good, except... nobody backed out.

Nobody.

Which meant that when Rukia and Nemu arrived at the coffee shop, FOUR PEOPLE were waiting for them.

And one of them was a man. AND A CAPTAIN.

The facts were these: Matsumoto had not, upon contacting the initial two people, explained that this play date was meant to prepare Nemu for actual dating. The words "coffee" and "friendly meeting" had been tossed around quite a bit. But since it WAS Matsumoto, those two people had automatically assumed she meant actual dating, with a very real possibility of something happening afterwards.

The first person Matsumoto contacted was Kotetsu Isane, 4th Division Lieutenant (and a fairly quiet girl). Isane had agreed, on the condition that she could bring her sister Kiyone along. Matsumoto had eventually agreed, knowing how loud Kiyone could be, but also assuming that the whole thing could be called off at the last minute in favor of the next person she contacted.

The second person Matsumoto contacted was Ise Nanao (not really quiet, though people often wished she was). Nanao had only agreed so she could get away from her captain for a night. Unfortunately, he'd overheard the conversation and invited himself, first as a back-up date for Nanao, and then as her protector, just in case her virtue was threatened.

The only reason Matsumoto didn't tell one duo not to show up was because she figured it wasn't necessary. She guessed that of the four, only Isane and Captain Kyoraku would be appealing. Kiyone was far too passionate about her duties to care much for anything else, and Nanao was... Nanao. There was a slim chance that Nemu might relate better to Nanao, but that would only work out if Nanao wasn't too abrasive.

So far, Rukia was not having a good time. The only person she really enjoyed talking to was Isane, but the few chances they did get to talk, Rukia found herself talking about duties instead of Nemu. Isane didn't seem to mind at all, and even offered some advice in dealing with the other lieutenants.

The problem was that there just weren't many opportunities to talk to Isane. Kiyone kept butting in, and predictably, constantly asked Rukia what she'd done to get a lock on the lieutenant's spot. Rukia honestly had no idea why Captain Ukitake had chosen her over anyone else, and had even accepted the position at his insistence. Kiyone didn't seem angry, exactly... but at the same time, Rukia didn't plan on turning her back on the girl anytime soon.

Nemu, however, kept herself entertained by observing Nanao and Captain Kyoraku, who were, in her opinion, the first and best example of a couple she'd seen to date. She asked the captain a ton of questions about dating, which he was all too happy to answer, with frequent corrections from Nanao.

Strangely enough, the play date ended just as Matsumoto had said it would. Rukia left with an open invitation from Isane to stop by the 4th Division if she had any questions or concerns. Nemu got much the same from Captain Kyoraku, who claimed that Nemu reminded him a great deal of his "adorable Nanao-chan" (which earned him an elbow to the gut from Nanao).

"I'm sorry things didn't work out, Nemu-chan," Rukia apologized as they walked back to her quarters.

"I disagree," Nemu said. "I learned a great deal from Captain Kyoraku, and I feel much more prepared for my first date now."

"Oh." Rukia blinked in surprise. "Then you still want to try again?"

"Yes. But I will need to obtain certain items first. I am especially curious about these 'condoms' he mentioned..."

Rukia paled. "W-Why would you need those?!"

"Captain Kyoraku said they were extremely important. He mentioned that they would protect me somehow, but I have never required additional protection before."

Suddenly, Rukia was wishing she'd paid a LOT more attention to whatever Captain Kyoraku had been telling Nemu. She also wondered why Nanao hadn't stopped him, and finally chalked it up to the lieutenant being so disgusted and frustrated that she'd finally just given up.

Rukia was pulled rather rudely from her thoughts when someone had the nerve to grab her butt. Eyes bulging in fury, Rukia spun around with her fist extended, only to gape as Nemu neatly caught her wrist.

"I am sorry, Ruki-chan, but you were clearly no longer paying attention."

Rukia blushed. "Um, sorry. Wait, YOU should be apologizing to me!"

Nemu blinked slowly. "I apologize... for not using two hands?"

"...you know that, never mind," Rukia sighed. "Let's just pretend this never happened."

Nemu nodded. "Agreed."

Rukia had barely turned away when she suddenly felt two hands on her rear this time, both of which squeezed rather hard. "NEMU!!!"

"We agreed that it never happened. So I once again had to regain your attention, did I not?"

"You...!" Rukia trailed off, narrowing her eyes suspiciously. "You know a lot more than you pretend to, don't you?"

"I'm sure I have no idea what you mean, Ruki-chan."

"Well... no more doing that!" Rukia continued to eye her friend warily as they continued walking.

"Ever?" Nemu asked.

"Uh... never without my permission."

"May I-"

"NO!!!"

"There is no need to shout, Ruki-chan."

Rukia glared at her. "Apparently, there IS. Nemu, when I said I was okay with you touching me, I meant within reason!"

Nemu frowned thoughtfully. "I have yet to touch you in any area that I would not allow you to touch on me as well. That is reasonable, is it not?"

"Yes... I mean, NO! What if you're a lot more comfortable with being touched?"

"Then you must touch me until you are comfortable. That is the most logical solution."

"No, it isn't!" Rukia insisted. "The most logical solution is to forbid all touching until we're both comfortable!"

Nemu shook her head. "By that logic, I would become better at dating by not dating at all."

"Maybe you would, if you think you'll be doing anything that requires condoms already," Rukia muttered. "What do you even know about sex?"

Nemu cleared her throat, and began in a tone that was half lecture, half robotic. "The woman is visited by a machine, who implants the donor's spe-"

"I'll buy you all the condoms you want if you promise NEVER to tell me that story again," Rukia groaned.

Nemu shot her a confused look. "But it is really quite fascinat-"

"NEVER, Nemu-chan. Just... never. Okay?"

"As you wish, Ruki-chan," Nemu agreed, seeming disappointed.

Rukia frowned, suddenly feeling bad. "Look, we can share my closet again tonight, okay?"

Instantly, Nemu perked up. "Will you show me how to use condoms then? Captain Kyoraku said you were the perfect person to ask."

Rukia's face turned a spectacular shade of red. "I AM NOT!" she shouted.

Without warning, Nemu leaned in and quickly pecked Rukia on the lips, then moved back, staring at her friend expectantly.

The color slowly drained out of Rukia's face as she took several deep breaths. Finally, she calmed down enough to ask, "What the hell was that?!"

"Captain Kyoraku said that the best way to calm your significant other is with a small but clear act of affection."

Rukia opened her mouth to explain that Captain Kyoraku had probably been drunk when he'd said most of the things Nemu had heard that night, but two things stopped her. The first was the realization that, drunk or not, Captain Kyoraku was right. The second was that Nemu had just referred to her as a significant other.

"Nemu-chan," Rukia said slowly, trying to avoid any further misunderstandings, "I'm your friend. Not your significant other. You do understand the difference, right? You remember that I'm going to help you find someone just for you? Remember?"

There was a long pause.

Then a warm, genuine smile spread across Nemu's face, and it was by far one of the most breathtaking sights Rukia had ever seen.

"You can go on thinking that, if you like," Nemu replied in a tone that was strangely generous. "But you are the one I love, Ruki-chan. I'm more than willing to wait until you can accept that."

"But... you... it..." Rukia trailed off helplessly, unable to think of a convincing argument. She was positive that she'd started out with one, but now the only thing that seemed to make any sense was that Nemu was unfortunately, definitely in love with her.

"There's no need to be nervous," Nemu assured her, gently hugging Rukia from behind. "We are both learning, so it is best to proceed slowly and cautiously. Do you agree?"

"...so the thing to remember about condoms," Rukia said weakly, "is that they're not a surefire method of protection..."

* * *

Uryu had purposely stayed away from Urahara's shop for some time. It decreased his chances of running into Ichigo, or anyone else he found incredibly annoying. The only one of Ichigo's "gang" that he could tolerate consistently was Chad, and that was only because the larger boy barely said two words when they were together.

Unfortunately, an honorable Quincy did not allow personal feelings to taint his principles. So when Uryu had gone to the Kurosaki home, only to have Yuzu inform him that Ichigo was at Urahara's shop, dread entered his heart.

The reason for this was simple: Quincy honor demanded that Uryu hand his completed products over to his customers in person, to ensure that there were no mishaps in the delivery process. In other words, Uryu was now honor bound to once again enter the pure madness that lived within Urahara's accursed shop. No amount of prayer or procrastination could prevent that now.

Uryu was standing outside the shop just a few minutes after 10 P.M. He was hoping that the late hour would mean less madness (or at least less mad people) to deal with. And from the outside, the shop did seem strangely quiet. But he'd made that mistake before, and so he clutched the large, rectangular box under his arm a bit tighter before warily venturing forward and knocking on the back door.

After several moments with no answer, Uryu risked trying the door, and found it unlocked. Shaking his head at such shoddy business practices, he made his way into the shop, slipping past a few crowded storage rooms before entering what he recalled was the main hallway.

That was when the enormous spiritual pressure hit him. It was easily one of the strongest he'd ever felt... and somewhat familiar. And it wasn't Ichigo, although Uryu could tell that he was also nearby.

The next room that Uryu came to answered all of his questions. He eased the door open, only to find Ichigo struggling with a captain from the Gotei 13. Strangely, they weren't using swords: the female captain was just doing her best to strangle him, and Ichigo was just barely keeping her fingers away from his throat.

On one hand, Uryu assumed that Ichigo had wronged the captain somehow, and felt no immediate need to intervene. People never seemed to believe him when he claimed that Ichigo was a jerk, so it was nice to see that someone finally agreed.

On the other hand, if Ichigo died, it would mean that Uryu would have to travel all the way to the Soul Society to deliver the package. And considering how things had turned out the last time he'd gone there, Uryu would rather take his chances with Ichigo just being a few feet away, rather than their being separated by a whole other dimension.

So, with obvious reluctance, he quickly appeared beside Ichigo, forming a glowing blue bow and arrow between his nimble fingers, calmly aiming at the captain. "Do I even want to know what's going on here?"

The captain calmed down enough to glare at him. "I suggest that you refrain from interfering, Ishida. I am here on official Soul Society business."

"Don't listen to her, Uryu!" Ichigo shouted. "She's crazy!"

"She's trying to kill you. How crazy could she be?" Uryu asked reasonably.

"URYU!!!" Ichigo yelled when the Quincy actually lowered his bow.

"How do you know my name?" Uryu asked, more curious than anything else.

"I am Soifon, Captain of the Gotei 13's 2nd Division, and Commander of the Special Forces of the Shinigami Army. One of my responsibilities is to stay current on all possible threats to the Soul Society. Naturally, anyone that has ever associated with Kurosaki Ichigo has been watched closely."

"Ah. That does make sense," Uryu agreed, earning a dark look from Ichigo. "So what, exactly, has he done this time, if it's not too much trouble?"

Soifon glared at Ichigo before finally lowering her hands. "He had the absolute audacity to... actually COMPLAIN about massaging Yoruichi-sama's feet!"

There was a long pause.

"...what?" Uryu finally asked blankly.

Ichigo smacked the Quincy on the shoulder. "See how lost you are when you don't stay in touch?"

Uryu made a show of dusting off his shoulder with a handkerchief. "I fail to see how hard it could be to massage a cat's feet."

"Don't be stupid; she's not a cat when she makes me do it," Ichigo grumbled.

Before Uryu could even attempt to make sense of that, Soifon whipped out a large poster, on which anyone could clearly see an extreme close-up of what were unquestionably some rather attractive feet. The poster was then shoved into Uryu's face.

"Can you honestly say that you would complain about being asked to massage such perfect feet as these?!" Soifon demanded.

Despite his interactions with women being rather limited, Uryu was no fool. "They are very nice feet," he stated. "Ichigo is just an idiot."

"Then why don't YOU massage her feet, traitor?!" Ichigo snapped at him.

"I am also here on business," Uryu replied, shoving the box into Ichigo's arms. "This concludes our business. I'd appreciate it if you could lose my address now."

"Gladly," Ichigo muttered. He was about to open the box when he remembered that Soifon was still around, and quickly put it behind him.

"I will not leave until you show Yoruichi-sama's perfect feet the proper respect," Soifon stated firmly.

Ichigo scowled at her. "If you love her feet so much, why don't YOU massage them?"

"I would be honored to, but it is not my decision, and you still haven't-"

"Captain Soifon!" a startled voice cried.

All three turned to see Hinamori in the doorway, her eyes wide. Yachiru peeked around her hip, beaming when she spotted Soifon. "Special Lady!" she cried, skipping into the room and patting Soifon's hand in a way that was almost tender.

Ichigo's mouth twitched as he did his best not to laugh. He was becoming an expert when it came to interpreting Yachiru's nicknames, and Yachiru obviously equated Soifon's leading the special forces to the woman herself being... special.

Soifon seemed to be thinking along the same lines, as her expression soured... more than usual, that is. "Yachiru, this is no time for your-"

"You're still so very serious, Soifon," sighed the black cat that followed Yachiru into the room. "Haven't I told you a million times to lighten up?"

Soifon's eyes lit up. "Yoruichi-sama!" she gasped, dropping to her knees and bowing so low that her head touched the floor.

It was a very odd sight, to see the cat patting Soifon's head with a paw. Uryu took that opportunity to try and slip out of the room, but he failed, since Hinamori was still unknowingly blocking the doorway.

"Well, you don't have to worry about massaging my feet anymore, Ichigo," the cat said.

"You changed your mind?" he asked hopefully.

"No, I just happen to know that Soifon is far better at foot massages. You still owe me for the remaining lessons, though. I'm sure I'll think of some way for you to pay me back..."

Ichigo didn't like having such an open-ended threat hanging over his head, but he also didn't like how Lil' Ichi had been reacting to the foot massages, especially when Yoruichi had a bad habit of staring at things that interested her like a hungry cat. Combined with the fact that Lil' Ichi was about the size of a mouse (well, a very large and, ah, stiff mouse), it had been a very frightening experience.

Of course, it was also Yoruichi's fault for insisting on foot massages in the nude, but at least she hadn't extended that requirement to him.

"So... Captain Soifon isn't here to make us go back to the Soul Society?" Hinamori asked slowly.

"No, apparently she's here to massage Yoruichi's perfect feet," Ichigo answered smugly, getting a sharp look from the captain.

"Actually, I came here to obtain an up to date assessment of Lieutenant Hinamori's abilities, but I will gladly attend to Yoruichi-sama while I am here," Soifon announced.

Hinamori paled slightly. "Um, but isn't that something Captain Hitsugaya could've done?"

"Not accurately, no. He is obviously biased when it comes to you. I am not, so I will be conducting your evaluation."

"Between the foot massages," Ichigo added.

Soifon stood up, fully prepared to attack him again.

Yoruichi saved him by stretching lazily. "Ooh. That's a little stiff."

Soifon was instantly on the floor again, carefully cradling the cat in her lap. "Just tell me where it hurts, Yoruichi-sama," she murmured soothingly, expertly handling the tiny pads of the cat's paws with the ease of long practice.

Yoruichi's response was lost in a long, drawn out purring noise.

"That's just wrong on so many levels," Ichigo grunted, shaking his head as he left the room. Uryu quickly followed him out, as did Hinamori. Yachiru stayed behind to get some tips on cat care.

"So what's in the box?" Hinamori asked, eager to change the subject.

"Nothing," Ichigo and Uryu responded at the same time, exchanging glares before looking away from each other.

Hinamori pried the box open while they were distracted. "Hey, that's a cap-!"

Ichigo slapped a hand over her mouth. "You're starting to get as bad as Yachiru, you know that?" He jerked his hand away when Hinamori kissed his palm noisily. "See what I mean?!"

"If you don't want me kissing you, then don't put parts of you near my mouth," Hinamori said with a wicked little grin.

"Okay, I need to leave now," Uryu muttered, heading for the back door. "The madness is clearly contagious."

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Well, at least you got rid of one pest, Hinamori."

"So when are you going to try on your new captain's haori?" she asked sweetly. "I want to be the first one to see you in it!"

"Probably not until I'm actually a captain," Ichigo replied. "You'll just have to wait like everyone else."

Hinamori pouted. "Awww! But I was hoping you'd give me a private showing!"

"Worse than Yachiru," Ichigo grumbled as he stomped away from her.

* * *

Kouryou woke up from a wonderful dream to find himself being suffocated again. His mother had rolled over in her sleep, and was not only cutting off his air supply, but drooling on his head.

Also, she was surprisingly heavy.

He was saved once again by Tatsuki, who gave his mother a slight push to free him.

The instant he was free, Kouryou dove out of the bed and wrapped his arms around Tatsuki's leg. He loved his mother, but he was not going to share a hotel bed with her again anytime soon.

Tatsuki seemed to get the message and sighed. "Come on, little man. I'm told I don't move around much when I sleep." She picked up Kouryou and put him in her bed, wondering how the poor kid had survived this long in Orihime's care. It wasn't that she was a bad mother, but she was still so clueless about so many things.

Kouryou was asleep again in seconds. Once again, he dreamed of a lady with long white hair, and a smile that could rival the brightness of a thousand suns. Maybe she looked a little like his mother, and maybe he was imagining it. Either way, he quietly grew to love his mother a bit more each time he saw this woman, and that was fine with him.

Tatsuki was a little unnerved by the giant smile on the boy's face, not because it looked suspicious, but because it was something she'd only seen Orihime do while asleep. At least he wasn't drooling like her...

* * *

It was around midnight when the closet door slid open.

Rukia's eyes snapped open as well, wide with fear. She just knew that Captain Kurotsuchi had found them.

"Sorry to wake you," Isane apologized softly, "but I was wondering if you had room for one more?"

Rukia blinked as Nemu, still asleep, dragged her closer, leaving just enough room for one more person to squeeze in beside them. Before Rukia could say anything, Isane had climbed in and shut the door behind her.

"Bad dream?" Rukia finally asked. Isane's nightmares were common knowledge, mostly because they were so entertaining. More than a few had been acted out and turned into semi-successful plays for Rukongai children.

Isane only shuddered and muttered, "Rutabagas," before pulling the blanket up to her chin and laying her head against Rukia's shoulder.

Rukia decided not to ask. Instead, she closed her eyes, trying to ignore the fact that her new position had placed Nemu's lips dangerously close to her neck...

* * *

Honsho Chizuru did not usually frequent porn shops. She had always preferred to actually KNOW the people she fantasized about. It was easier to imagine how they might react to certain situations, and pleasure was almost always better with a friend than with a stranger, in her opinion.

Like most of the people that had encountered Ichigo on a daily basis for several years, Chizuru had developed a certain level of spiritual awareness. Unlike everyone else, any "powers" that Chizuru had been gifted with were absolutely useless in combat. She herself was only aggressive when it came to pretty girls, and even then, she wasn't exactly interested in hurting them (unless of course they got off on that).

To put it simply, Chizuru's powers had made her something of an erotic divining rod. Whenever someone nearby had an arousing thought or sensation, even the slightest tingle, Chizuru knew about it. Granted, she was rarely in a position to join in, but just knowing that her fellow perverts were enjoying themselves gave Chizuru great joy.

It was practically her destiny, then, to meet Kon. Their love of all things warm, fleshy, and bouncy had made them fast friends, and Chizuru was probably the only person that would side with Kon in argument, ever. She thought it was a crime the way Ichigo treated Kon, and as soon as she'd found out that Kon had been locked in Ichigo's closet, she'd run over and busted him out (with the help of her handy sledge hammer; some of her past playmates had enjoyed heavy tools).

Unfortunately, Ichigo was back in his body, which left Kon stranded in a silly stuffed lion. Chizuru happened to have PLENTY of, erm, life-sized action figures at her house, but of course all of those were female. Kon had been firmly against that idea, at least until Chizuru pointed out that he could squeeze his own boobs as much as he wanted.

A short time later, Chizuru had her very own living, breathing, walking, talking Sailor V doll. It sounded like a very horny guy most of the time, but she hardly minded that at all. Kon was officially her favorite guy friend, no matter what form he was in. And this way, he didn't mind her feeling him up, since he was usually too busy feeling up some other part of his new body.

Kon's tastes were a bit more varied than her own, though. He didn't particularly care to know the girls he fantasized about, though he wasn't against it. Truth be told, most of the time he didn't even bother to learn their names, just their cup sizes. So he had every reason to make frequent trips to a porn shop, and somehow he talked Chizuru into going with him. Really, it was pretty necessary. Chizuru wasn't sure what would happen if Sailor V walked into a porn shop alone, but she was pretty sure that Kon wasn't ready for it.

It was lucky that Chizuru was able to talk him into going at an odd time. Chizuru rarely ever found herself horny at 6 A.M., so she figured no one else would be, either.

The porn shop was mostly empty. There were a few night owls, but once Chizuru explained (very loudly) that Kon was actually a guy, they lost all interest.

Kon was in hentai heaven. He actually burst into tears for a few minutes before Chizuru dragged him over to the Big and Busty section... but then they both burst into tears of joy, and neither one was really good for anything else for several minutes.

Which, as it turned out, was very lucky.

A mere five minutes later, two very suspicious people walked into the porn shop. One was tall, orange-haired, and wearing dark shades with an extremely thick fake beard. The other was short, pink-haired, and extremely cute... which was a really bad combination, considering Sailor V had walked in only five minutes earlier.

The night owls immediately took notice. Especially the ones in the Jailbait section. Excited, hopeful murmurs of "Chibi-Usa!" began to circulate.

The odd couple (the second pair, not Kon and Chizuru) approached the front counter, and flashed some ID at the cashier.

The cashier only worked there part-time while trying to pay for college, and even HE knew that the cutie in front of him could not possibly be over 300 years old. But he wasn't stupid, either: one glance at the Jailbait section told him that several night owls were stocking up like crazy. He wasn't about to kick out a girl that could pass for a Jailbait mascot, no matter how old she claimed to be.

"We need some girly books," the Chibi-Usa look-alike told him. "Oh! And instructional videos!"

The cashier stared at her, then took a looooong look at the person behind her, who twitched noticeably under his heavy gaze. Finally, the cashier went into the backroom, but not without a mutter of, "You lucky sonuva..."

"He was nice," the pink-haired girl decided.

Her companion just muttered something under his breath and adjusted his fake beard.

The cashier returned shortly with a large box. "Okay," he said, "I put together your basic first timers package. You got your standard girly mags: 'Little Women, Big Men,' 'Lovely Lolitas,' 'Schoolgirl Dreams,' and 'Midget-mania.' I threw in some of our top-selling how-to videos: 'My First Telephone Pole,' 'Bottomless Pits 6,' 'Cucumbers and You,' and 'Big Brother's Room 32'."

The pink-haired girl blinked slowly. "Um, did I mention these are for a friend of mine? He's very shy, and..." She leaned closer and whispered loudly, "Very delicate!"

The cashier snickered. "I see. What's his partner like?"

"Gifted. Up top," her tall companion said. "And frisky. Very frisky."

"Oh, why didn't you say so? We just got in 'Super Stepmoms 73' today! And there's 'Cougar College 48,' that's a classic. Oh, and 'My Babysitter Rocked My World 593' was the BEST-"

"I think that'll do it for us," the tall companion interrupted, noticing they were starting to draw a crowd.

"Wait, I want to know if they have any with candy-" the pink-haired girl started to say before her tall companion slapped a hand over her mouth.

"Not now, Yachiru," he hissed. "I'm trying to get out of here without someone spotting us."

"'BACHELORS AND BAZONGAS 29' AT HALF PRICE!" Kon wailed in ecstasy, waving the video over his head.

Chizuru instantly latched onto his arm, and they both began jumping up and down like delighted (but horny) children.

The cashier was not surprised to find that in all the commotion, his other two customers had just fled with their purchases, leaving behind a slamming front door and plenty of cash. Humming to himself, the cashier put the money in the register, then went to mop up the Jailbait section... just in case.

* * *

"Once more," Hinamori panted, wiping sweat from her forehead with her free hand. In the other, she tightly gripped the sealed form of Tobiume. For several hours, she'd been trying to ease the stress of Tobimue's physical manifestation. The problem wasn't that Tobiume wouldn't cooperate, but the amount of power it took to summon and maintain Tobiume's scorpion form for even a few seconds was enormous. The only reason Tobiume had managed it on her own was because she'd been so angry, and because she'd been storing up power for some time. Currently, summoning Tobiume into a battle would only wipe Hinamori out and leave her vulnerable.

"There has to be a way," Hinamori murmured. "I can't fail this evaluation. I won't let myself be separated from Ichigo."

"Perhaps we are going about this the wrong way," Tobiume suggested softly. "Think of this as a new kido spell. Focus your goal with an incantation. You already know how to summon me, Hinamori. Now you only need to learn the easiest way to do so."

"You mean... summon you with a kido spell? Is that even possible?"

"For anyone else, I would say no. But you are a kido master, you studied under Aizen, and you NEED this to work. If it can be done, you're the only one who would even have a chance of doing it right. Find the words, let them come to you, or just make them up, but do it, Hinamori."

Nodding to herself, Hinamori gripped her sword with both hands, slowly dragging the tip of the blade through the dirt, forming a wide circle around her feet. If asked why she did this, Hinamori could only say that it seemed right.

"For love, honor, innocence, and the protection of everything pure and good beneath the blue sky, I call upon you to deliver death swiftly, before a single plum can fall. Rise from the eternal flames to destroy the unworthy, fearsome scorpion of hellfire and vengeance, Tobiume!"

The ground cracked and split around her, and hot pink flames slipped through the cracks, bathing Hinamori in intense heat. Yet she remained steady as Tobiume burst from the ground, the enormous, bright pink, segmented body remaining perfectly level beneath her feet.

"Well done, Hinamori," Tobimue said. "With more practice, it'll be even easier next time."

"Right," Hinamori said softly, swaying slightly as her exhaustion finally caught up to her. "Right after my nap..." She began to collapse, only to find herself land on Tobiume's tail, which gently wrapped around her waist. In seconds, Hinamori was asleep, snoring softly as she was carefully placed on the ground.

"I was not aware she had come this far," said a voice, and Tobiume instantly sprang forward, crouching protectively over Hinamori.

Soifon stepped out from behind a nearby boulder, staring down at the sleeping girl.

Tobiume relaxed slightly, even as her body began to fade away.

"Can Kurosaki really be responsible for both of them coming this far in such a short time?" Soifon murmured, kneeling down to carefully pick up Hinamori.

Moaning softly, Hinamori turned her head and pressed it into Soifon's shoulder. "Don't forget the porn, Ichigo, or Rangiku will make us re-enact it... unless that's what you wanted all along?" She giggled sleepily before starting to snore again.

With a thoroughly red face, Soifon headed back to the ladder at the underground room's entrance. "Why is it always good news, bad news with that boy? And why is it always, ALWAYS bad news with Matsumoto?!"

* * *

Rukia had a very good memory. She recalled falling asleep between Isane and Nemu. Isane had been spooning her from behind, and Nemu had been all but wrapped around her from the front.

Waking up to a far different sight was quite an experience.

Rukia was now at the bottom of a pile. Nemu was still wrapped around her, but now lying half atop her. Isane was sprawled out on her back across both of them, her head thrown back and mouth wide open, issuing wispy, almost whistling breaths as her legs twitched randomly. Probably she was having another nightmare, though not quite as disturbing as the rutabaga one.

As most of her body was asleep, Rukia wanted nothing more than to get out from under both of them. And yet, she remained where she was for several more minutes.

She couldn't stop thinking about how committed Nemu was to her, or how easily Isane had joined their little... sleepover. That word was really starting to take on some new meaning. Last night, Rukia had been worried about the possibility of even having one girlfriend. Now she was in bed with two.

This did not bode well for her side, which relied heavily on things being logical and orderly. Logically, she should've been able to convince Nemu that they were wrong for each other. There was also no reason why she shouldn't have been able to talk Isane back into her own bed, even if it had been the middle of the night.

So why hadn't she? Rukia had no answer to that. But she had a bad feeling that it would only get worse from here on out. She was actually starting to find the weight of Nemu's body on her reassuring, and Isane's snoring was going from strange to strangely endearing.

"I don't like girls," Rukia muttered. "Even liking Ichigo would be better than this. Kon, even!"

But that wasn't true. Isane would remember to put the toilet seat down, and at least Nemu wouldn't drool while she was fondling. Did that make everything okay? No. But it had to mean something, because Rukia STILL hadn't gotten out of bed, and was even regretting the idea that she'd have to get up soon.

Suddenly, Isane sat up and shouted, "BAGELS!!!"

Rukia screeched and scrambled back, only to hear a muffled moan from Nemu, whose face she was accidentally sitting on. Blushing, she rolled off, scowling at the dreamy look on Nemu's face. "Nemu!" she hissed, blushing even harder.

"Sorry about that," Isane apologized. "I'm only loud when I have a nightmare."

"About bagels," Rukia said slowly.

"They were chasing me!" Isane cried defensively.

"Couldn't you have eaten them?"

"Would YOU eat a bagel that could chase you?"

"I wouldn't know. I've never been chased by food before. Unless you count Hollows that very vaguely resembled food, and even then exorcising them was the main thing on my mind." Rukia paused. "How big were the bagels, exactly?"

"Huge," Isane said at once, her eyes widening slightly. "The size of buildings. And they had eyes-"

"Is she our girlfriend now?" Nemu interrupted.

Rukia gaped at her, and had a feeling that Isane was doing the same thing. "What would make you think that?"

"She slept with us," Nemu replied.

"She just didn't want to be alone..." Rukia added hesitantly.

"Wait," Isane said slowly, "you two are together? Then why were you double dating last night?"

Rukia opened her mouth to explain the entire situation, but stopped when she recalled the way Nemu had looked at her last night, and how she might be feeling now. "Well, I was trying to set Nemu up on a date, but apparently she's more interested in me."

"Definitely," Nemu corrected, crawling up behind Rukia and hugging her gently.

Blushing, Rukia cleared her throat as Nemu nuzzled her neck. "And we were still considering our options when you came by and asked to join us."

"So... if I was interested in this being more permanent?" Isane murmured, blushing slightly.

Rukia stared at her in shock. "You mean you WANT to be our girlfriend?"

"Maybe not at first," Isane answered. "But I usually wake up screaming every other hour, and that didn't happen when I was with you. I'm sure that I'd get better about it if I kept sleeping with you two."

Rukia glanced at Nemu, not surprised to find a thoughtful look on her face. "What do you think?"

"As long as I'm next to you, I'm fine with it," Nemu said.

"Doesn't Captain Kurotsuchi mind that you're sleeping here?" Isane asked.

"He doesn't know," Nemu replied, smiling a little.

"How could he not?" Rukia asked.

"Because he thinks I'm with him."

* * *

"Nemu, you stupid girl!" Captain Kurotsuchi bellowed. "Bring me the third specimen at once!"

The 12th Division Captain waited impatiently as his lieutenant wheeled in the next corpse. She was moving slower than usual, and she wasn't saying anything, but that hardly mattered. It wasn't like he wanted her to talk, and she could never move fast enough to please him.

Had he been a bit more observant, Captain Kurotsuchi would've realized that the reason for Nemu's sluggishness was because her body was animated by little more than excess spirit energy. That was because it was one of her several back-up bodies, and currently lacked her actual soul.

But outside of when he'd been creating or making improvements to her, Captain Kurotsuchi was never all that observant when it came to Nemu, so he had yet to realize that she'd been replaced, and had been missing for a couple of days. His officers hadn't noticed, either: they were far too frightened of the punishment for fraternizing with Nemu if Captain Kurotsuchi should catch them, which was immediate castration (less because they'd broken his rule, and more because it was his preferred stress relieving method).

* * *

"So you see, as long as I return every few days to replace the expended spirit energy, I should be fine," Nemu explained.

"Wow. That's actually... pretty smart," Isane murmured. "But what if there's an accident, and your clone gets damaged?"

"I implanted sensors to let me know when the body is seriously wounded. I suspect Captain Kurotsuchi would be in no hurry to repair me even then. Usually he makes me wait until all his other current projects are finished..."

Rukia and Isane traded disgusted looks.

"I changed my mind. I'll be your girlfriend," Isane decided at once.

"What changed your mind?" Rukia asked.

Isane shook her head and wrapped her arms around Rukia and Nemu, drawing them in for a hug. "From the sounds of it, you two definitely need some loving. I know Rukia has to be feeling it, since she never hooked up with Ichigo or Renji."

Rukia very nearly began a rant on how her love life (or lack thereof) was no one's business but her own, but decided that it might just ruin the moment.

**End of Chapter 6.**

* * *

**Next Chapter: The Pied Piper of Karakura**

In which Ichigo and pals return to Soul Society, Renji confesses his love for Rukia (and lesbians), and Kouryou accidentally gets his own cooking show.

Endnotes:

It's weird. I had some trouble deciding how Soifon would describe her position, in terms of who, exactly, she works for as commander of the special forces. Supposedly, special forces and the Gotei 13 are separate entities in the overall shinigami army, but I suspect that in some ways they have to be interconnected. For example, I would think Soifon would have to meet regularly with General Yamamoto in order to coordinate their forces during a major battle or war.

For those poor unfortunate souls that don't know who Sailor V is? Just picture a blond hottie with really nice legs. Which isn't really a good description, but that's your fault for not knowing who Sailor V is, heh.

In retrospect, some of those porn titles were just HORRIBLE. I should probably apologize for them, but realize that the cashier was assuming that Yachiru and Ichigo were a couple.

I love kido, but hate the long incantations. Yeah, it's poetic and whatnot, but not really practical in a fight. And the really dumb part is that once you get good enough, you don't even need the incantation. Of course, by THAT time, you really don't need kido, either.

This chapter title inspired by "Little Red Riding Hood," which is a story about a little girl with divine powers. Think about it: she safely makes it through dangerous woods, past a bloodthirsty wolf, and somehow summons a hunter who kills said wolf. Not only that, she and her grandmother magically spring from the wolf's belly, whole and NOT digested. I think. It's been a while.


	7. The Pied Piper of Karakura

Notes: I think I can safely say this story has grown beyond my original intentions, and amazingly, that isn't a bad thing. At first I was aiming more for an angst fest with an occasional joke or two, but the jokes kinda overruled what little angst there was, and here we are. I blame the characters; I don't think Ichigo could be around a female for five minutes without SOMETHING hilarious happening. So you guys can stop staying this story has the elements of a crackfic. I think we were well past that point back when Yachiru unleashed the cheese grater, and definitely by the time Kon and Chizuru got together.

**Ichigo and the Beanstalk**

**A Bleach Fairy Tale by**

**Nate Grey (XMAN0123-at-aol-dot-com)**

**Chapter 7: The Pied Piper of Karakura**

Ichigo was not quite what some would consider a master of the obvious, but from time to time, he noticed things, especially if he felt he was being cheated somehow.

For example, he had noticed that while Yoruichi had always, ALWAYS been human (and nude) while he was forced to massage her feet, when Soifon did it, Yoruichi chose to remain a cat (again, nude, but then it was no big deal).

This was completely unfair for several reasons.

Soifon didn't have to worry about getting an erection, hiding an erection, thinking of sports and granny panties so she could kill an erection, or even having an erection in the same room as Yoruichi.

And if Ichigo seemed a bit preoccupied with erections, it was only because he was a guy, Yoruichi was... well, YORUICHI, and it was truly impossible to think of much else when massaging a nude Yoruichi's feet under those conditions.

In fact, Ichigo would be terribly interested to know that Soifon, despite not having to deal with erections, had some of the same thoughts about Yoruichi that HE did, only she was far better at concealing this behind a stern expression. Beyond that, it was not accurate to call Soifon a lesbian: she didn't like girls, she ONLY liked Yoruichi.

She was a Yoruichian.

In the interest of fairness, Ichigo had finally swallowed his pride and asked to sit in on one of the foot massages, supposedly so he could pick up some pointers. This was a lie, and they all knew it.

Ichigo would probably never reach the point where he was so in love with someone that he would be willing to massage their feet without some incentive.

Yoruichi was as clever as she was beautiful, and suspected that Ichigo knowing how to give a decent foot massage might very well be the one thing that got a girl to look past his mouth.

Soifon didn't care at all, so long as she was with Yoruichi.

Amazingly, Ichigo DID learn something, although not what he expected to. He assumed that Yoruichi had been a man in a former life, and that during that time, she'd banged Soifon's brains out, because Ichigo could think of nothing else that would inspire such complete devotion.

Ichigo had grumbled and complained when he'd had to massage Yoruichi's feet.

Soifon had massaged, oiled, and bathed Yoruichi's paws... even planted butterfly kisses on them after she was done!

After seeing that, Ichigo was perfectly willing to admit that he sucked at foot massages. He didn't even mind the smug look on Soifon's face... partially because he wasn't the one that had kissed a cat's feet, and he would ALWAYS remember that fondly.

Plus he knew where Urahara kept the security footage, and could easily have illegal copies of the massage playing all over Soul Society in a few days.

* * *

Rukia knew it was probably a bad idea from the start, but felt it was necessary to avoid further problems.

So she had dragged Nemu and Isane into Captain Ukitake's office, and slowly explained that she was NOT cheating on Ichigo, because they weren't together, and that she had two girlfriends, and so she wasn't cheating on her one boyfriend, which she never had in the first place.

Captain Ukitake had nodded, smiled, and congratulated them.

Rukia was almost out of the office when it happened.

"Of course, I'll need to see some proof of all this."

The next few minutes were some of the most humiliating in Rukia's life. she pretty much had to kiss both Nemu and Isane in front of him. And maybe she was imagining it, but she thought she saw a camera in his hand at one point.

Nemu had taken full advantage of this, and ended up doing most of the kissing. She tasted of cleanliness, which was not surprising.

Isane had been hesitant, but a good sport about it. Rukia found that she tasted like coffee, which of course Isane drank loads of to keep from falling asleep and having "daymares" (nightmares during the day).

Captain Ukitake had congratulated them again, and the nightmare was almost over.

Until.

"RUKIA!!!"

The door had burst open, and there was Renji, half dressed and panting.

Before Rukia could say anything, Renji had thrown himself at her feet, latching onto her ankles.

"I've always loved you, Rukia! Always!" he wailed. "I'll take you any way I can get you!"

And then came the kicker.

"Even if I have to share you with them! In the name of love, I'll make that sacrifice!"

Then he was back on his feet, draping his long arms around all three of the girls. "Lesbians need and deserve love! And I have enough love in my heart for all of you!"

Nemu immediately began poking at Renji's chest, presumably analyzing the properties of his enlarged heart.

Isane just stared at him in horror (she'd had nightmares about a killer pineapple soaked in blood, and Renji's head had the same profile).

Rukia was predictably furious. "You just want to sleep with all three of us!"

"But I'd do it for YOU!" Renji insisted. Which wouldn't have worked at all, even if he hadn't been staring at Nemu's chest.

"GET OUT!" Rukia shrieked.

"Maybe we should hear him out," Nemu said, pressing her ear to Renji's heart. "It would be an interesting study in-"

"Isane?" Rukia snapped.

Isane nodded, and both of them reached for their zanpakuto at once.

Renji was too fixated on Nemu's chest to notice, and a moment later, Captain Ukitake was admiring his brand new Renji snowman/ice sculpture.

"You know, Renji did bring up one important point," Isane said as the trio left the office.

"Lesbians?" Nemu asked.

"No, sleeping. With you two."

Rukia eyed Isane warily. "What about it?"

"It's really all I want to do." Isane paused, fully expecting angry responses.

Rukia blinked. "The way Renji meant it, or...?"

"The other way. The normal way. Where everyone's unconscious."

"So she's not our girlfriend anymore?" Nemu asked, looking slightly disappointed.

"Don't take it the wrong way," Isane said quickly. "I've always had nightmares, and sleeping with you two kept them away for a night. I also wouldn't be opposed to spending time with you outside of the closet. But I don't want you to get the wrong impression. I'm not really interested in a relationship, and-"

Rukia immediately threw her arms around Isane's neck in an eager hug. "THANK YOU!!!"

"Um, for what?" Isane asked slowly.

"You have NO idea how relieved I am! I went to bed single and woke up with two girlfriends. I thought I was going crazy!"

"Well, you still have a girlfriend..."

Rukia snorted loudly. "Nemu is EASY compared to being part of a lesbian threesome."

Isane grinned. "Then I think you'd better start spreading the word that you're a one woman girl, because it looks like you've got some offers."

Frowning, Rukia followed Isane's gaze... and found her office door absolutely covered in love notes, offers for one night stands, and even a marriage proposal... assuming that she and Nemu were willing to marry about half of the 11th Division in string bikinis.

"Rangiku!" Rukia howled. "This is her doing, I just know it! I bet she was the one that told Renji, too!"

"Does any of that really matter?" Nemu asked. "She brought us together, even if it was inadvertent. Did you forget? I can remind you..." Smiling slightly, she reached over and tickled Rukia's side, making her jump.

"Why don't I go through these for you, and write responses to the more, ah... tame ones?" Isane suggested, pulling some of the notes off of the door. "Some of these aren't TOO unreasonable, and you might change your mind later."

Nemu frowned and draped her arms around Rukia's waist. "Are you sure she can't be our girlfriend again? She seems like she'd be a really good one..."

Rukia shook her head. "No, she made her choice, Nemu-chan. We have to respect that."

"Then shouldn't we go back and tell Captain Ukitake? He still thinks we're all together. And how do you take back a kiss?"

"You don't, really. Which is all the more reason not to give them out lightly. They're usually fairly important."

Nemu considered that for a few seconds, before asking, "So wasn't it mean for you to kiss Isane if we were just going to break up with her later?"

"I didn't WANT to kiss her!" Rukia protested at once. "And SHE broke up with US!"

"You don't have to say it like I have the plague," Isane murmured, pouting a little.

"But... it... you... ARGH!" Rukia growled, pulling at her hair. "Just STOP! I didn't mmmmMMMPH!"

Isane blinked and looked up from the armful of love notes she had collected. "You didn't mmmmMMMPH? What's that supposed to..." She trailed off upon noticing that Nemu, in an attempt to calm down Rukia down, was kissing the shorter girl rather... thoroughly. And while it didn't seem to be working at first (as Rukia's wildly flapping arms seemed to indicate), Rukia's struggles slowly died down, and when Nemu finally broke the kiss, there was a dazed look on Rukia's face.

"You're always so excitable, Ruki-chan," Nemu said, patting her cheek. "But I'm glad you are, since it gives me an excuse to calm you down."

The whole scene struck Isane as odd, because from what she'd heard, so long as Rukia wasn't around Renji or Ichigo, she was perfectly calm. Apparently Nemu needed to be added to the list of people that constantly got Rukia excited (and not always in a good way).

Isane was pulled from her thoughts when Nemu said something truly odd.

"You'll still sleep with us, won't you, Isa-chan? Just because you're not our girlfriend doesn't mean we can't keep helping you with your nightmares."

Rukia said nothing, still being fairly dazed, and either she was now drooling, or Nemu was just a VERY enthusiastic kisser. This left Isane wondering if maybe she would've enjoyed the kiss in Ukitake's office better if she'd gotten it from Nemu instead. She quickly forced THAT line of thinking away.

"If it's alright with Rukia, I'd like that a lot, Nemu."

Rukia twitched slightly, possibly at recognizing her own name, but gave no other sign that she knew what they were talking about.

"I'm sure that was a yes," Nemu said happily.

Isane wasn't quite sure of that, but she figured it would be a while before Rukia was in any shape to argue with them.

* * *

Tatsuki didn't really believe in miracles. But having been Orihime's best friend for years, she firmly believed in dumb (or at least slightly non-intelligent) luck.

For example, there was the time when Orihime had tripped over her own feet at the grocery store, very nearly colliding with an old woman in front of her, but catching herself at the last second, only to find she'd stepped around the old woman just in time to become the millionth customer. Her prize was a lifetime supply of any one product. Orihime picked chocolate pudding. She'd eaten her way through three cases of the stuff (in one day) before Tatsuki found out, yelled at her, and told her to get rid of the rest. Orihime had reluctantly donated the rest to a local children's hospital, got her name printed in the paper, received a humanitarian award, and now had a whole wing in the hospital named after her. Plus the hospital sent her cards on holidays with pictures of plenty of children with pudding-stained lips. Instead of feeling good about this, Orihime only pouted and gave Tatsuki a hurt look whenever chocolate pudding was mentioned from then on.

Sadly, Tatsuki had a million stories like that about Orihime, none of which she particularly enjoyed sharing, because most of them made her friend seem... well, stupid. And since Orihime never seemed to realize when people were laughing at her instead of with her, it was easier to just not share them at all. Still, weird incidents like that seemed to happen to Orihime all the time.

So Tatsuki was not really shocked when something odd happened.

They'd been at yet another restaurant with a salad bar, and Tatsuki had made the mistake of going to the bathroom. That in itself wasn't a mistake. Leaving Orihime and Kouryou alone, and trusting that nothing would happen, THAT was the mistake.

By the time Tatsuki came back, reporters had surrounded the table and were sticking microphones in Orihime's face, while Kouryou was chopping up every food they stuck in front of him with his trusty butcher knife. Everyone was excited over the way his hand practically blurred when he cut something to pieces. Neither of them seemed to know how to handle the attention: Orihime was just plain confused, as she was so used to people trying to take Kouryou's knife away, and now people seemed to like that he had one. Kouryou was mostly ignoring the crowd, save for when a reporter got too pushy with Orihime, so his necktie "accidentally" got chopped up along with a ripe banana. No apology was offered, and no words were exchanged, but the reporters quickly realized that Kouryou was A Good Boy who did NOT tolerate people harassing his Mama.

Tatsuki had to kick several people out of the way before she could get back to her seat, and by then she was so annoyed that she just dragged Orihime and Kouryou out of the place, cursing under her breath the whole while. Orihime claimed that Tatsuki was being very rude, and Tatsuki was so frustrated that if she weren't worried about injuring her hand on Orihime's skull, she might very well have hit her.

Less than a day later, Tatsuki had to have her cell phone number changed, just so people would stop calling about her so-called lesbian life partner and their son the all purpose food slicer. She hoped the reporters would get the message.

They just started leaving interview offers on Orihime's windshield instead.

And since no power on the planet could convince Orihime to change her beloved car's VERY orange paint job from what Tatsuki teasingly called "Ichigo at Sunset," the car was terribly easy to find.

Also the "My Baby Eats Babies Like Yours for Breakfast!" bumper sticker that Orihime had dug up somewhere was quite unique in that NO ONE else had one. Or at least they wouldn't admit they did in public.

* * *

Captain Hitsugaya was having a bad day.

The worst part was, unquestionably, that Matsumoto had SOMEHOW talked some fool into taking over her duties for the day. Which, as she put it, "Means I'm ALL yours for the day, my darling captain!"

And then she had hugged him. For ten minutes.

Thankfully, between his usual duties, and a mysterious assignment that popped up later, Hitsugaya had more than enough to keep him occupied.

Of course, that didn't stop Matsumoto and her little boyfriend Hanataro from following him absolutely everywhere.

Despite SOME of the rumors floating around about Matsumoto, Hitsugaya had always thought of her as being rather clean: she rarely smelled of anything other than perfume, body lotion, or just a hint of sake, none of which were unwelcome scents, at least not coming from her.

And yet, amazingly, ironically, during the whole time that Matsumoto and Hanataro were with him, the ONLY thing that kept popping into Hitsugaya's head was how very, very DIRTY Matsumoto was.

Several times he caught her whispering things into Hanataro's ear, things which inevitably caused him to turn bright red, have severe nosebleeds, or faint right there on the spot.

Several MORE times he caught her licking Hanataro, usually in places that, while they weren't ODD places to lick someone, still were places NOT meant to be licked in public.

Frequently he had to separate them, because somehow they would go from holding hands to, seconds later, Matsumoto touching Hanataro inappropriately, in places DEFINITELY not meant to be touched in public.

Finally, Hitsugaya had taken Hanataro aside, and outright asked him if he thought that maybe Matsumoto was coming on a BIT strong. He assured Hantaro that there was no need to be embarrassed if she was taking advantage of him, and promised that they could find some way to handle the situation privately, without involving anyone else.

Hanataro had claimed he needed to think about it, and promptly returned to Matsumoto's side, where he whispered something in her ear (and most probably got his backside fondled in the process).

Hitsugaya had no idea where the breakdown in communication had occurred.

All he knew was that Matsumoto now thought that he was interested in entering into a threesome with them, and that he had the hardest time trying to stay at least ten feet away from her after that point.

At any rate, by the time Hitsugaya got around to investigating the mysterious happenings in the Rukongai, he was exhausted, irritable, and partially fondled himself.

He was completely unprepared for what he found in the 1st District.

It was a salad bar. In the middle of the road. Fully stocked, and with cute waitresses to help children and the elderly find what they needed.

That, however, was not what Hitsugaya found most alarming.

Several people, while waiting in line, briefly showed Hollow characteristics, such as white masks, or exaggerated body parts. Some people actually had seemingly permanent Hollow traits. Others... well, they actually WERE Hollows, from what he could see.

And yet all they really seemed set on eating was the tuna salad, which, apparently, was out of this world.

Hitsugaya turned to Matsumoto, just to make sure he wasn't the only one seeing this. But when he turned around to ask, she was gone.

She hadn't gone far. She'd gotten in line behind a Hollow that resembled an overgrown teddy bear, and was asking if they were allowed to go through line more than once.

"This is all rather odd, isn't it?" Hanataro asked between mouthfuls of strawberry shortcake.

Hitsugaya just gave up at that point, and asked Matsumoto if he could cut in line. She agreed... except he ended up having to pretend he was her child, so their meal would cost less. He didn't really mind too much, though.

The tuna salad WAS out of this world.

* * *

There were several choices that Hanakari Jinta regretted making in his life.

Constantly forgetting Ururu's birthday.

Constantly forgetting to hide Ururu's supply of ammo and weapons on the aforementioned forgotten birthdays.

Having turned down the health plan that Urahara offered, especially on those forgotten birthdays.

Asking Yuzu out while she was within five feet of Karin (and a blunt, dull object).

The latest choice that Jinta regretted had NOTHING to do with girls, for once.

And therein lay the problem.

When Urahara had suggested a little vacation, and jokingly said the theme was male bonding, Jinta had known he was kidding.

Rather typically, Tessai had not. Which had made for a very, VERY awkward vacation that each of them was forbidden to mention ever again. Personally, the first thing Jinta intended to do when they got back was find Ururu and hug her for at least an hour. He was NEVER leaving the shop without her, not after the things he'd seen.

Similarly, Urahara was desperately hoping that Yoruichi was around. If not, he would rudely invite himself into the Kurosaki home once again. He just needed to be around SOMETHING girly to feel... somewhat less violated.

Tessai was driving the van. Also humming, and looking quite pleased with himself.

Jinta and Urahara shot him dirty looks before shuddering and moving closer to their respective windows...

* * *

Ichigo could count the number of times that he'd been locked inside of a bathroom on one hand. Twice at school, twice at home, and once at Orihime's apartment (he was convinced that Tatsuki had talked Chad into locking him in with Orihime; everyone was disappointed when they emerged annoyed, embarrassed, and hickey-free).

This was the first time that Ichigo had ever barricaded himself inside of a bathroom, though. He feared it would not be the last, either.

"Put it ON!" shouted an excited voice that could only belong to Yachiru.

"Take it OFF!" Yoruichi insisted, following that with several wolf whistles and rapping her knuckles on the door.

Ichigo glared at the door, which shuddered ominously under the force. Yoruichi wasn't really trying... yet. He didn't want it to get to that point. The bathroom belonged to his sisters, and Yuzu, at least, had a fear of using it with the door open (Ichigo had tried pointing out that dead spirits could pass through doors, but this had not helped in the slightest). He doubted she'd be able to go with the door missing entirely.

Checking the mirror one last time, Ichigo muttered a curse under his breath and slowly unlocked the door.

It was immediately flung open, and all of the women crowded around to see: Yachiru, Suteneko, Hinamori, Ururu, Yoruichi, even Soifon (and if she had been drooling as much as the others were, or at all, Ichigo would've marched right back into the bathroom; some things were too scary even for him).

After a long moment, Suteneko broke the silence. "It's missing something," she decided.

Yachiru finally asked, "Where's the strawberries? Where's the kittens? Where's the PINK?"

"There isn't any," Ichigo growled.

"BOR-ING!"

Ichigo threw a roll of toilet paper at her.

Yachiru ducked, and the toilet paper bounced off of Ururu's head. She caught the roll, then used a little of it to wipe away some of the blood slowly trickling from her nose.

Ichigo seriously considered going back into the bathroom a second time.

"Aren't you going to model it for us, Ichigo?" Hinamori complained. "At least spin around a little!"

"You spin, then pretend I did it!" he snapped.

Yoruichi rolled her eyes. "You have to be the grumpiest stripper I've ever seen. I hope you don't expect a tip."

Soifon stared at him for several long seconds. Finally, she shook her head. "I don't understand the significance of the shoulder symbols, Kurosaki."

Ichigo sighed, but since she was the only one that hadn't outright insulted his new haori (courtesy of Ishida Threads), he decided to explain things to her. "Each symbol represents one of the masters I trained under to get where I am today," he said, passing his fingers over the designs on top of each shoulder.

"So the black cat wearing the hat..."

"Is me and Urahara," Yoruichi replied proudly.

"And the Hollow mask and skull side by side?"

"That's Other Ichi and Ken-chan!" Yachiru chimed in happily. She had been one of the few shinigami that was not absolutely terrified to learn of Ichigo's inner Hollow. Instead, she had begged to put makeup on him, and not surprisingly, the Hollow now refused to emerge so long as Ichigo was within twenty feet of Yachiru.

"But what about the full moon on the back?" Ururu asked softly, using that as a flimsy excuse to cop a feel.

Ichigo brushed her hand away from his butt absently. "Zangetsu."

"HEY!" Yachiru shouted. "We helped you train, too! Me and Suteneko and Ururu should get symbols, too! I want a huge strawberry, and a pink kitty eating it, right here!" She smacked him on the chest.

"None of you are masters," Ichigo replied, smirking. "But I will say thanks, anyway."

"I'd settle for you taking it off," Ururu murmured with a blush.

* * *

A week later, "Cooking with Kou-kun" was the most popular cooking show in the world. Nobody could say why, though. Only about half of the food was even remotely edible at the end, and no one was brave enough to take their chances with that portion, either.

There were many attempts to explain the show's appeal. Most people assumed it was Kou-kun's smiling, bouncy, busty mother. Others thought it was her supposed lesbian lover who was also a world karate champ. Still others believed that viewers were simply waiting for the episode when SOMETHING finally exploded, and coated Orihime in a dripping mess. But since Kou-kun rarely ventured far from cut-up hot dogs, this seemed sadly unlikely.

In the end, only shinigami were able to see the truth. Only they could see the peculiar, blue flashes of light every time Kou-kun chopped something up. Only they could sense the growing spiritual awareness spreading rapidly across the human world. Curiously, no one human gained any substantial power from this movement. Instead, nearly all of them seemed to gain low level powers: just enough to possibly spook a weak Hollow, or even drive it away if enough people were around.

Kou-kun was teaching the human world to defend itself. Why, no one could be certain. But as humans became more reliant on their own power, the shinigami presence in the world was sharply reduced. There were other, more needy realms that needed seeing to, such as the growing population in the Rukongai. Curiously, all of Kou-kun's "converts" (and their salad bars) were immediately welcomed into the more peaceful districts. Not even the Hollows were turned away (although some of them occasionally ventured into the rougher districts, just to let off steam).

General Yamamoto was curiously quiet about the sweeping changes. He was later found in his private quarters, watching his copy of Yoruichi's massage and pigging out on tuna salad from his own personal salad bar.

* * *

Ichigo, Yachiru, and Hinamori returned to Soul Society in a far more subdued manner than they'd first left it. They'd each received distinctly different orders shortly before their arrival.

Ichigo was to report immediately to the 11th Division, because it was apparently bad form for him to be wearing a captain's haori without actually doing anything captain-like. A formal ceremony recognizing his promotion was scheduled in the coming months.

Yachiru had to go directly to the 12th Division. General Yamamoto had taken certain steps to ensure that she never lost control of her power (or focused it) in such a way that was greatly damaging to the Seireitei. This turned out to be not such a bad thing: the old man had merely commissioned a stylish set of matching hairbands and collars (that served the same function as Zaraki's old eyepatch) for Yachiru and Suteneko to wear at all times. Yachiru had been so touched that she gave Yamamoto a loud, wet kiss on the top of his head... in hot pink lipstick. Consequently, she was forbidden from ever getting within ten feet of him, and her cosmetics were taken away, because even the brains in the 12th Division were stumped as to how to remove the liptstick stain from Yamamoto's head (although certain captains thought it made him seem far more approachable).

Hinamori was transferred into the 2nd Division to be Soifon's direct subordinate. No one was quite sure what this meant, save for Soifon herself. What was obvious, though, was that after one month, Hinamori was not the same person. If anything, she was another Soifon, except that she was able to "turn off" her serious side at will. Ichigo couldn't decide if Hinamori having multiple personalities was an improvement or not, but she did seem largely content now, so he didn't question it much.

* * *

"Rukia's got a giiiiiiiirlfriend!" Ichigo sang as he swaggered into Rukia's office, a wide grin stretched across his face.

Scowling, Rukia looked up from her desk, half-expecting to see Yachiru perched on Ichigo's shoulder, ready to sing along. Surprisingly, the girl was absent, and Rukia was secretly glad for it.

"You know, I didn't believe it when Yumichika first told me. I mean, it's Yumichika, what the hell would HE know about dating girls? But then when Renji told me, I knew it had to be true, because why the hell would Renji EVER give up on getting into your pan-" Ichigo broke off abruptly to duck the paperweight that Rukia threw at his head. "Hey! I'm pretty sure you can get punished for attacking a captain, Kuchiki!"

"Not when it's the 11th Division one, Kurosaki," she replied, smirking. "He's all about fighting, remember? If anything, I should be commended for keeping you on your toes." Rukia paused, allowing her gaze to linger on his new attire. "You look... good, Ichigo," she added in a more fond tone. "Like you should've been wearing that a long time ago."

"Except Captain Zaraki would've killed me for trying on his," he pointed out grimly, fingering the shoulder of his white haori. "Funny how that worked out, huh?"

Sighing, Rukia stood up, walked around her desk, and smacked him very lightly on the cheek. "Stop that." She let her hand linger as she smiled up at him. "You know I didn't mean it that way."

"Yeah, I know," Ichigo muttered, but even though his eyes were on her, he was more looking through her than anything else.

Suddenly inspired, Rukia slid her hand around to the back of his neck and tugged his head down toward hers. "I'm going to kiss you now, Ichigo," she teased, knowing he wasn't paying attention.

"Uh huh," he grunted, his expression remaining blank.

Ichigo was REALLY distracted, because Rukia was able to get so close that she was breathing on his mouth, and he STILL wasn't reacting.

So of course she grinned evilly and sank her teeth into his bottom lip.

It was only years of battle experience that kept Ichigo from yanking his head back and screaming, both of which probably would've resulted in his lip being torn clean off (although there would've been nothing clean about it, what with the blood and all). Instead, he shut his eyes tightly and did his best to keep from hitting Rukia, knowing any sudden impact to her body might result in more pain for him.

Once Rukia was sure that she had his full attention, she carefully withdrew her teeth, spotting a small amount of blood pooling on Ichigo's lip. In a surprisingly intimate gesture (especially considering what she'd just done), she leaned forward and gently ran her tongue along his lip, tasting blood and, surprisingly, caramel (although if Ichigo HAD stolen some of Yachiru's candy, it was no wonder the girl wasn't with him; that was one of the quickest ways to spark a Yachiru hissy fit). Rukia even made a return swipe with her tongue before stepping back, staring up into Ichigo's eyes. She could see anger, confusion, and possibly even a hint of desire, although maybe he was just squinting to keep tears of pain from springing up.

"What. The. HELL, Rukia!" he finally snapped, gingerly poking at his lip.

"Oh, can you see me now?" she asked. "If I catch you feeling sorry for yourself again, I'm going to give you a kiss that makes THAT one seem like a peck on the cheek."

Ichigo immediately took a few steps back and covered his mouth with a hand, glaring at her.

Rukia grinned, shaking her head, and flicking her tongue out to draw the blood stained on her lips into her mouth, which had the bonus effect of creeping him out even more.

"You're not going to swallow that, are you?!" he demanded.

"I hadn't really thought that far ahead," Rukia admitted with a sultry smile. "Why? Does it bother you? I thought every teenage boy wanted a little of himself inside of a cute girl..."

"Dammit, Rukia, spit it out!" Ichigo insisted, his eyes bulging a bit.

She tilted her head slightly, loving the way he was freaking out. "I don't know if I want to now. We've never been this close before, Ichigo..."

"Dammit, PLEASE!" Ichigo practically begged.

"Oh, fine, you big baby," Rukia sighed. She turned away and tapped a button on her desk. "Nemu-chan, could you come in here, please? I need a favor."

A moment later, the door opened, and Ichigo frowned as Nemu walked in. "Why do you need her to-"

Rukia waved him off, turning to Nemu. "I bit Ichigo, and he doesn't want me to swallow his blood. Could you help us out?"

"Of course, Ruki-chan," Nemu responded. And before Ichigo could think to stop her, Nemu planted her lips on Rukia's, and her tongue in Rukia's mouth.

Ichigo could only watch in horror (and somewhat disgusted awe) as his blood, and undoubtedly great quantities of Rukia's spit, were loudly suctioned into Nemu's mouth.

And THEN she swallowed.

Ichgio's mouth worked soundlessly. And here he'd thought he'd been doing something by simply teasing Rukia about having a girlfriend. He had definitely lost this round. Badly. Almost like he'd lost, and then lost AGAIN in some weird parody of overtime, just to show there was NO chance of his ever winning at all.

So why did a very small part of him (better known as Lil' Ichi) feel like celebrating?

"I will return after I have thoroughly analyzed Kurosaki's blood content," Nemu stated as she headed for the door. "He tastes like this will take some time."

"She can do that?" Ichigo asked weakly after Nemu had gone.

"Of course," Rukia answered. "You didn't think we did that just to make you feel small, did you?"

"Um, YEAH!"

"You should know I never do anything JUST to prove a point, Ichigo. Although, if I HAPPEN to prove that I am ALWAYS right in the process, well, I can't help THAT, can I?"

"I don't like you," he muttered.

"Then why did you let me bite you?"

"...shut up."

Laughing, Rukia started to walk past him, then stopped. "Oh, I didn't see the back earlier. Hold still." She grabbed his haori, stretching it out so she could see the whole thing.

"Just hurry up," Ichigo sighed.

Rukia's eyes were drawn to a small point on the full moon. It almost looked like a crater, and yet was somehow familiar to her. Curious, she passed her thumb over it, and allowed just a hint of her spiritual pressure to flow into the material on a whim.

Instantly, the cloth responded, and a ripple effect spread out from the crater, revealing it to be an eye. Pretty soon, the entire moon was revealed to be the giant, smiling face of Chappy the Rabbit. Just below it were two chibified, devil versions of Rukia and Uryu holding pitchforks, complete with tiny wings and horns. They were prancing atop the caption, "Captain Chappy Was Here!"

It took remarkable self control for Rukia not to burst into laughter. Instead, she cleared her throat and released the material. The full moon returned within the space of a second, as if the rest had never been there. Uryu was quite clever; the cloth probably only reacted to her unique spiritual pressure. She would definitely have to kiss him the next time she saw him: this was just TOO good.

"Ichigo," Rukia said softly as he turned to face her.

"Yeah?" he asked warily.

"I LOVE you," she replied with emphasis, her lips quivering. "SO much right now. Really. You will never, EVER know how much I do. So I'm telling you. Because I absolutely do. So you better leave before I decide to kiss you again."

Ichigo immediately sprang for the door, but he was not out of it in time to keep from hearing Rukia's uncontrollable howls of laughter. Sometimes, that girl was just SCARY...

* * *

Captain Komamura was in a reflective mood as he left the Shinigami Academy, and this was not unusual for him. He had always been a being of quiet, private reflection, and increasingly so in the past few years of his life.

There were several thoughts occupying his head currently, and most of them were at least indirectly connected to one former Captain Tousen. For his part, Captain Komamura had lost a great deal of sleep over the betrayal of his once close friend, although thanks largely to his intensely private nature, especially where his face was concerned, hardly anyone had even noticed.

Still, a little concern, or some sort of recognition, other than the suspicion and distrust he'd been getting, would've been appreciated. While he was not the type to seek comfort in others, even he had needs, and-

"HI, KOMA-KOMA!!!"

...and that was most definitely not one of them.

Captain Komamura sighed and came to a reluctant stop as Yachiru suddenly came flying over a nearby wall, only to land neatly on his shoulder. Any other time, he might have at least tried to shake her off, but that would mean acknowledging her presence in the first place, which would only prove both tiresome and foolish.

Although she WAS apparently happy to see him, and that, at least, was a somewhat welcome change.

Maybe.

"You're sad today," Yachiru said suddenly, her tone surprisingly perceptive. She reached over and patted his head covering with startling gentleness, for her. "Want to talk about it?"

"I'd rather not, Lieutenant," he replied firmly.

"Oh, okay." Yachiru beamed at him and whipped something out of her pocket. "I got this really cool set of stickers from the nice Uno lady!"

Captain Komamura stared at the small, incredibly shiny sheet of stickers being shoved into his face. No doubt Captain Unohana (and indeed, any other captain who didn't wish to be hounded by Yachiru for too long when she was bored) had come across yet another rather effective distraction for the pink-haired menace.

One day, in one of his more lucid moments, he was going to remind himself to marry that woman, if for no other reason than to keep Yachiru away from him.

It was in that moment that something amazing happened.

"I've got lots," Yachiru said, apparently not noticing that he didn't really care. "Want to share them?"

"No," was his quick reply, obviously.

Except that it came out sounding suspiciously more like, "Please."

Exactly like it, in fact. Because five minutes later, half of Yachiru's sticker sheet was empty, Yachiru was getting a free ride back to her Division, and Captain Komamura's head covering was now covered in a countless amount of very shiny stickers: smiley faces, shooting stars, and of course the obligatory lions, tigers, and bears.

It was over far too quickly.

Then Yachiru was waving and yelling, "BYE, KOMA-KOMA! I LOVE YOU!!!"

This, of course, drew several stares.

But Captain Komamura decided he didn't care. Someone had noticed him. And now, thanks to the stickers, everyone would. Not because he was under suspicion, but because his head covering was so incredibly, awesomely shiny. And that was okay with him.

It was even more okay when, feeling nothing could go wrong that day, he walked right into the 4th Division, and asked Captain Unohana if she'd like to have some tea with him.

She said yes, of course. And why wouldn't she?

He was awesomely, incredibly shiny.

And chicks definitely dug the shiny.

* * *

Not long after that, there was an incident involving several Divisions.

Apparently, Captain Kurotsuchi had found Kuchiki Rukia in a compromising position with what he assumed was one of the back-up clones of his lieutenant, Kurotsuchi Nemu.

At first, Captain Kurotsuchi was furious.

Then, however, Rukia offered to pay him monthly fees to rent said "clone" from him.

After some consideration, Captain Kurotsuchi agreed, knowing that 1) the Kuchiki family was filthy rich, 2) there had to be others who would be interested in renting Nemu clones, and 3) the rent could be used to fund his research privately, which meant no more getting approval for every major project he worked on. Also, it didn't hurt his ego that everyone in the Seireitei was praising Nemu as either a godsend or a true work of scientific genius (although he was a bit miffed that no one ever thought to actually praise him directly).

Pretty soon every Division had at least one Nemu clone, if for no other reason than the captain and lieutenant could slack off while she did all of the paperwork. Supposedly even General Yamamoto had one feeding him grapes from his salad bar, but that was only a rumor (mostly she just slowly ate bananas while he watched and giggled).

* * *

Ichigo was no stranger to the odd but largely peaceful area that composed his mindscape. The unsettling feeling he'd once gotten from standing on sideways buildings was gone now, and it was a good thing, too: if merely standing on them had still made him queasy, there was no way he ever would've learned to fight on them.

Thankfully, frequent meetings and sparring sessions with both Zangetsu and Ichigo's inner Hollow had made existing in that place second nature to him, although the two occupants still managed to surprise him. Zangetsu liked to abruptly change the environment to keep Ichigo on his toes, while the Hollow would drastically alter his fighting style in the middle of a battle, forcing Ichigo to either adapt quickly or learn slowly (and painfully).

Any damage Ichigo suffered in his mind always transferred over to his body in the real world, but considering how often he got challenged, no one was ever surprised to find him bandaged from head to toe overnight. Rukia, Yachiru, and Captain Unohana had even come up with a rather silly game known as Ichigo Bingo: whichever of them bandaged him up the most times in a month had the other two do their paperwork for a week. Really, it was pointless, since Yachiru always got someone else to do her paperwork, Captain Unohana won every single time, and even the Kuchikis didn't have enough money to bribe the 4th Division officers to drag Ichigo all the way to Rukia's office every time he got injured. But Rukia was too proud to give up, and Yachiru didn't mind always coming in second since Captain Unohana was nice enough to provide consolation prizes, usually consisting of candy, stickers, or random plushies.

The one constant about the mindscape was that only three people had ever been able to appear in it. So it was quite a shock for Ichigo to enter it unexpectedly one night, only to find his inner Hollow comparing battle tactics with Zaraki Kenpachi. That in itself was absurb, since the Hollow had only ever subscribed to the classic "hack and slash" method, which consisted largely of wailing away at something until it stopped moving, or at least ceased to be interesting as a bleeding mass of pulp. Zaraki, at least, was slightly more inventive in his approach, in that he restrained his own strength to draw battles out, and stopped attacking once death or defeat was a certainty for his foe (although that was mostly because either outcome bored him).

For several moments, Ichigo could only stand there frozen. He knew very well that Zaraki was, well, technically deader than dead, and so what he was seeing now could only be, at at worst, a ghost of a ghost, or a mere representation of the former captain in his own mind.

Naturally, Ichigo was fairly startled when the ghost finally noticed him, walked over, and calmly punched him dead in the face.

"You coward," Zaraki growled as Ichigo scrambled back to his feet. "To think I was proud to have you in my Division once. If I was still alive, I'd beat you until my hands were numb. How dare you show your face here, when all you've ever done is half-ass it in a fight?"

By that point, Ichigo was very reasonably offended. His first fight against Zaraki, he'd held absolutely nothing back. To be accused of such hurt slightly more than that punch in the face had. "What the hell are you talking about?! I gave my all every time we fought! That's why you're DEAD now, Captain!"

"Then what the hell is that?" Zaraki demanded, jabbing a finger at the Hollow. "A drunken mistake with a camera? All this time I thought you were something special. But how could you be so stupid, so cowardly as to lock away over half of your true fighting potential?"

The Hollow made a show of smirking, breathing on his fingernails, and buffing them on his clothes. Behaving like a total ass, in other words. But it was his preferred hobby, after all.

"So what are you saying?" Ichigo asked mildly. "That I should just... let him take control?"

Zaraki scowled and cuffed him on the side of the head. "You idiot! Instead of wasting your power fighting against each other, you should be working together. Weren't you the same preachy kid that once thought I'd never beat you because I hadn't learned my zanpakuto's name? How are you any better, when you know you've got all this talent and are too afraid to use it? You disgust me, and you should disgust yourself."

"Trust me, he does," the Hollow chimed in, smiling as Ichigo glared at him.

"Until you're ready to become a real captain, I don't want you anywhere near my sword," Zaraki stated with a sneer as he started to fade away. "Give it to Yachiru if you're too chicken to fight with your all. Even when she's acting like a total nutjob, she'd never shame me this way."

Normally, an insult like that would've sent Ichigo into a rant at least five minutes long. But all he could manage was a rather genuine scowl, which was far different from the default one that was usually plastered on his face. Zaraki had never hesitated to point out the flaws of his officers, but this was the only time when Ichigo had felt his former captain was truly disappointed in him.

"Sucks to be you," the Hollow commented, staring at the spot where Zaraki had been standing a moment ago. "I bet your whole face will swell up tomorrow."

"I guess you agree with him," Ichigo said quietly.

The Hollow snorted loudly. "Hell no! I say you give me full control and be done with it. I'd make way better use of this body. If it wasn't for that little pink menace and her makeup, I would've done it already. You just got lucky she likes you so much, that's all. Can't imagine why, though. You suck." With that, he started to walk away.

"Hey, wait," Ichigo called after him.

"Not in the mood to kick your ass today," the Hollow replied, waving over his shoulder.

"...but what if he's right?"

The Hollow stopped. "About what?"

"What if either of us will never be as strong as we could be together?"

"Fat chance of THAT happening. You're too chicken, and I've got way too much pride to lower myself to-"

"What if we made a deal?"

There was a long pause.

"Alright, partner," the Hollow said as he turned around, a wicked grin spreading across his face. "Let's talk terms..."

* * *

Without warning, a wave of amazingly powerful spiritual pressure rolled over all of Soul Society that night. It was completely unlike anything that any shinigami had ever felt before, and yet, it was slightly familiar to a select few.

Tucked snugly in her bed next door to the source of the wave, between Suteneko and a giant pink teddy bear, Yachiru threw a sock full of candy at the wall. "Keep it down, Ichi-kun!" she grumbled. "People are trying to sleep!"

Over in the 12th Division, Isane woke up screaming, "NO, ICHIGO! DON'T EAT ME!!!"

Rukia shot up beside her, followed a few seconds later by a still half-asleep Nemu.

Isane shot them a guilty look. "Sorry..." she murmured.

"Oh, there is NO way you're not telling us about THAT nightmare," Rukia said firmly, folding her arms over her chest. "Spill!"

Nemu muttered something that might have been agreement and laid her head on Rukia's shoulder. She was snoring lightly within seconds.

"Well... Ichigo was an evil, giant marshmallow," Isane began hesitantly. "With yellow gummy bears for eyes! And he was chasing me-"

"Did he have hair?" Rukia asked.

"Huh? Oh... no, I don't think so. But he had claws!"

"And he was trying to eat you?"

Isane shivered slightly. "Well, his mouth was wide open, and he was laughing so cruelly. I didn't think to ask him. I just ran..."

"Would you like some warm milk?" Rukia offered. "Maybe some sliced fruit?"

Isane quickly shook her head. "The last thing I want is to eat something." She scooted closer to Rukia and clung to her free arm. "Let's just go back to bed, please. I'd like to try and forget about this."

Rukia said nothing, knowing how unlikely that was. She was probably the only person in the bed that realized Isane's nightmare was all too real, brought on by that unsettling wave of spiritual pressure that was both like Ichigo's, and yet nothing like it.

It worried her. More than that, it scared her.

"You idiot," Rukia murmured, closing her eyes. "If you're hurt again, I'll kill you..."

Several minutes after that, things were quiet in the 11th Division. In Ichigo's quarters, there was no movement as a young man stared into a full-length mirror, taking in the changes in his appearance. He was not pleased, nor dissatisfied by what he saw.

"We have a deal," he whispered softly.

"For the first time, we agree, partner," came the silky, gleeful voice from the Hollow mask attached awkwardly to the far right side of his head, covering his ear and cheek. Occasionally it would tug hard on his hair, not because it needed to, but just because it could, as if to remind him that it wasn't going anywhere.

"Stupid," Ichigo said, more to himself than the lingering presence he was slowly growing used to. "I couldn't trust you to watch my back, so I gave you part of one of my sides instead."

"You just keep the pink midget away from me or the deal's off," the Hollow hissed, both inside his head and directly into his ear, resulting in a creepy echo.

"I know, I know. You just keep your ass stuck to my head, and tell me if you hear anything that I can't hear because of you, otherwise we're both dead."

**End of Chapter 7.**

* * *

**Next Chapter: Beauty and the Quincy**

In which Yuzu's sunny disposition severely challenges Quincy codes, the 11th Division holds ranking battles, the Gotei 13 gets an overhaul in the form of several simultaneous promotions, and Kon learns (the hard way) not to make light of Chizuru's preferred variation of HLA: Hardcore Lesbian Activities (yes, I'm going there, so avert your eyes now).

Endnotes:

To be fair, Tessai PROBABLY is not gay. On the other hand, he's one of two male characters in Bleach that I would NOT be at all shocked to later discover was into guys all along. Although I would rather get into a fight with Tessai, if only because he wouldn't be ranting about his pretty face the whole time.

I'm sure Renji does love Rukia on some level. Really, is there any other sane reason to willingly get into a fight with Byakuya? But the line would no doubt be longer if Rukia was a package deal with Nemu, or any other Bleach female, for that matter.

Cooking shows really only have three purposes, in my opinion. 1) To show you a meal you'll either never be able to make, or wouldn't want to make on your own time. 2) To make you hungry. 3) To sell stuff. The really silly part is that Bleach could do all of that simply by putting Orihime in a kitchen while the credits roll. You might not be hungry for food at the end, but you'd be drooling either way.

Salad bars used to be a really big deal where I'm from. But I come from a big family that eats out two to four times a week, so that's expected. If you don't know the power of a salad bar: for a low price, you could eat as much as you wanted of stuff that was arguably good for you. The only risk was the occasional unsupervised kid with good reach and poor depth perception (and most times the only mess they made was on the floor in clear view).

I've noticed a pattern with the captains' haori (the white coats!). Usually, the more distinguished captains, or the ones more associated with being calm and collected, have haoris with sleeves. So it makes more sense for Ichigo to have a sleeveless haori (especially since Zaraki had one, and both would be fighting a lot, so sleeves would get in the way). Also, even with the "sleeveless" design, the haori ends right at the shoulder tip, so it's more like a VERY short sleeved coat, and there's plenty of room for Ichigo's shoulder designs (they're on TOP of the shoulder, not on the sides, since the haori ends right before that point). The full moon on the back encompasses the usual Division symbol inside the Gotei 13 rhombus (although those two vanish when "Captain Chappy" is visible). In case you couldn't tell, this is Uryu's way of stating that both he and Rukia were also responsible for Ichigo's training (Rukia being his first teacher, and Uryu his first rival).

Keep in mind, this story assumes that Ichigo has had no formal training to suppress his inner Hollow.

Okay, the Ichigo/Rukia moment was meant to throw you a bit. It came way out of left field for me as I was writing, but afterwards I couldn't bring myself to change it. It DOES seem like something Rukia might do, at least after she and Ichigo had been friends for a few more years. She had to get back at him for tossing her off the top of the execution ground like a sack of potatoes, for one thing. On second thought, I would never handle potatoes so roughly, and definitely wouldn't throw them at an injured person. Unless, you know, I didn't like them, and wasn't in the mood for baked potatoes anytime soon.

You know what, I have no defense for the little scene with Komamura, except to say, "You wanted crackfic, you got it." Bam.

I dunno if there's a certain way the inner Hollow usually addresses Ichigo, and I really only had the dubbed anime to go by. In this sense, "partner" is a bit more literal, since they actually ARE working together.

This chapter title inspired by "The Pied Piper of Hamlin," which is about an elaborate kidnapping plot. Of course, at the time, we just assumed he took the kids to Chuck E. Cheese or something, but when you don't bring them back home again, that's wrong, boys and girls, and is in fact punishable by prison time.

Also, a shout out to all my fellow Yoruichians. I admit she's not the ONLY thing I find hot, but until Orihime and Rangiku show up on my doorstep drunk and half-naked, I doubt I'll be swayed much.


	8. Beauty and the Quincy

* * *

Note: In this chapter, you will find my attempt at making Byakuya funny. No matter how you feel about it, it's going to be weird. It may work, it may not. If it does, go me. If it doesn't, eh... it's all HIS fault. Yeah, that works...

**Ichigo and the Beanstalk**

**A Bleach Fairy Tale by**

**Nate Grey (XMAN0123-at-aol-dot-com)**

**Chapter 8: Beauty and the Quincy**

* * *

Over forty percent of Captain Soifon's job as Commander of the Special Forces was observation. This meant she spent a great deal of time watching, watching other watchers watch the watchees, reading reports prepared by watchers who had been watching the watchees, and even directly watching the watchees WHILE they were being watched by those same watchers who would only have to report to her later on.

Not surprisingly, if questioned as to whether she enjoyed this or not, Soifon would only glare at the asker, which was comparable to hissing, "Shh! I'm busy watching."

Consequently, Soifon usually found herself watching even when she wasn't officially working. It had been ingrained into her behavior, first as a bodyguard to Yoruichi, and then into nearly everything else she'd done in service to the Seireitei. Watching itself became second nature, especially to someone like Soifon, who liked to get things done quietly without attracting much attention. Fortunately, General Yamamoto appreciated this about her, and often told her so during their weekly walks/surprise inspections of random areas in the Seireitei.

It was during one of these walks that the pair came across a rather amusing scene.

They had just entered the 2nd Division mess hall, only to find one Hinamori Momo standing over Soifon's rather large lieutenant, her zanpakuto in its multi-pronged, released state, and pressed quite firmly against the portly man's neck.

"I will NOT tolerate your DROPPINGS on my head," Hinamori hissed, a dangerous glint in her eyes. "ESPECIALLY while you try to HIT ON ME at the same time! And if you ever get within ten feet of me with ANY sort of food in hand, I will take GREAT pleasure in allowing Tobiume the dubious honor of being shoved SO far up your great, gaping rectum-"

"Hinamori-kun," Soifon interrupted firmly.

Instantly, Hinamori was on one knee in front of Soifon, head bowed low and sword sheathed. "Yes, Captain?"

"Did you or did you not just assault your lieutenant?" Yamamoto asked, sounding more amused than curious.

"I am not currently at liberty to say, Yamamoto-sama," Hinamori replied at once.

"And why not?"

"Captain Soifon has never explicitly stated that I am an officer of the 2nd Division, only that I am her subordinate. In that sense, I am required to obey no one but her, and those she labels as equal or above her authority. The... officer I assaulted was neither, and aside from that, he deserved it. Sir."

"Hmm." Yamamato turned to Soifon, who was trying very hard not to look pleased. "Very astute of you, my dear. But I'm afraid you will have to place your subordinate in at least one of the areas under your command from now on, and submit the proper paperwork as proof of such."

"Actually, sir," Soifon replied, "I think this would be a perfect opportunity to place Hinamori in an area betted suited to her unique skills. With your permission, of course."

"Ah. That special project you spoke of earlier, then. She does seem perfect for it, doesn't she?" Yamamoto nodded to himself and turned back to Hinamori. "I am told that the 11th Division will be holding ranking battles this afternoon. Kurosaki no doubt wants to prove that he deserves his position."

"Whether he does or not is unimportant at this point," Soifon added. "It has come to our attention that Kurosaki has chosen to embrace his inner Hollow. This is a matter of considerable concern. We will need to place someone close to him, someone that will monitor his activities and, should the need arise, be able to stop him at a moment's notice."

A few months ago, Hinamori might have insisted that she was nowhere near strong enough to face Ichigo in any kind of fight. But a few months ago, she hadn't known over three thousand different ways to assassinate someone three times stronger than her, either. And this wasn't about fighting Ichigo, exactly. It was about bringing him down, which was something completely different.

"If you accept this mission, you would need to rank no lower than 3rd Seat," Soifon continued.

Hinamori finally raised her head. "Permission to speak, Captain?"

"Proceed."

"Tobiume feels we can only accept this mission under one condition."

"And that is?"

"That she be granted permission to remain in her released state at all times. Otherwise, there is too great a risk that the target might overwhelm any attempts to... discourage him."

Yamamoto stared at her for several seconds. "I trust you realize how this will reflect on you, young lady?"

"Everything I do is in service of the Seireitei, even if only a few realize it. That is the only reflection I concern myself with, sir."

"Very well. You will have your permission by the time the ranking battles begin. But understand that it will immediately be revoked if you should fail to gain at least the 3rd Seat."

"I will not fail, sir," Hinamori promised, bowing her head again.

* * *

Ishida Uryu has run into a problem. It is a complication that he hasn't had to deal with much in his life, or at least it is one that he rarely ever acknowledges. Now, however, it has become very obvious.

He is only one man.

And, unfortunately, if he is to produce four hundred training outfits for Tatsuki's beginner karate class in just two weeks, he will need some assistance.

It is not as if Ishida Threads cannot afford to support additional staff. Uryu has been carefully siphoning away money, just in case he ever had to bring in some help. No, the real problem is that he has a reputation around town of being a highly talented, yet extremely antisocial tailor. Which means people will bring their clothes to him, but spending more than ten minutes in his presence was a bit much to ask.

Ichigo had said something along those lines several times, and the thought makes Uryu grit his teeth.

In any case, Uryu passes the time by looking over his other current projects. He will not be able to devote the proper time to Tatsuki's order until he has someone else taking care of those. They are of standard difficulty, and should be finished fairly quickly with only minimal supervision by himself. Perfect to test out a new assistant, he figures.

But the "Help Wanted" sign outside the shop goes unnoticed or ignored, and no applications are submitted to Uryu. This is strangely depressing, and when he breaks for lunch, he takes a few extra minutes to drown his sorrows in weak tea. He can hardly fire himself for returning late; he is the boss, after all.

Curiously, those few extra minutes would change Uryu's life for the better, and he would never even realize it.

Upon his return, he notices that his "Help Wanted" sign is gone. Hours later, he will find it stuffed under a box of spare thread.

Also, there is a filled-out application waiting on the counter.

Most importantly, though, there is a person sitting in the waiting area. She is holding what looks suspiciously like a hastily wrapped cake in her lap, and wearing a smile so bright that it should be outlawed for fear of causing traffic accidents. Uryu himself feels a sudden urge to swerve into oncoming traffic, despite the fact he is not currently inside of a vehicle.

The person notices him at once, and, impossibly, her smile brightens even more. "Good afternoon, Ishida-kun!" she chirps.

Uryu says nothing, because he knows nothing he says will make her go away soon enough for him.

She practically skips over to the counter and carefully sets the cake down a respectable distance from the application, beaming at him all the while. "I brought you another cake. It's coconut!"

"I am, of course, ecstatic," Uryu comments dryly, slowly unwrapping the cake. He tastes a bit of the icing with a finger, finds it incredibly sweet, and wonders if it is at all possibly to die from a sugar overdose. Between the cake, and having to look directly at this person, he fears for his health.

Anyway, he doesn't care much for things that are too sweet, and informs her of this with an intelligent, "Bleh."

She either doesn't notice or ignores his expression and outburst. She also manages to push the application closer, so that it is poking him in the arm, but in no other way draws attention to it.

Sighing, Uryu glances at it, looks away, and does a double take. "You still sew?" he asks mildly. He faintly remembers Ichigo saying something about his sister giving him homemade mittens for his birthday one year, each of them politely ignoring the fact that by that point he wore gloves almost aggressively, just so no one would ever give him mittens again.

"Constantly," is her reply.

"You're hired," Uryu says at once. "You work one hour a day, every day. Then you leave."

"That's it?" she asks in surprise.

"Yes," he answers firmly.

She gives him another sweet smile. "You just don't want my hands to get sore! You're so thoughtful, Ishida-kun!"

Uryu is more concerned that looking at her too often might give him a serious case of multiple cavities, but feels no inclination to share this with her. "Also, you can't bring your sister with you. She'd scare away the customers."

"Can she at least drop me off on her bike?"

"Only if she drops you off a block away, and you come the rest of the way on foot."

She blinks. "That seems a little... extreme."

"Well, I'm a Quincy. We take customer service VERY seriously."

"Does that mean I have to convert?"

"...if you do, you can work two hours a day, and I'll drop you off at home myself. But you should know that a Quincy only bakes on special occasions."

"Does Tuesday count?"

"Absolutely not."

"I don't think that's for me, then. Sorry, Ishida-kun."

"Don't be sorry. Be here at five tomorrow. We have work to do."

"Five... in the afternoon?"

"Guess."

"I'm not sure I want to..."

"Goodnight, Yuzu-chan."

"But, Ishida-kun, it's only ten after one..."

"But you'll be wanting all the sleep you can get before you have to work tomorrow."

"You were really serious about five? In the morning?"

Uryu says nothing. Yuzu is a clever girl; she'll figure it out.

"Oh... Well, can I bring doughnuts?"

"For what purpose?"

"Um, to share? With you?"

"There is a doughnut shop open that early?"

"No. But if I have to get up that early, I might as well bake..."

"You," Uryu says with feeling, "would be a horrible Quincy."

"Thank you?" Yuzu says hesitantly.

He sighs. "Please leave now."

* * *

Kuchiki Byakuya was a complicated man, and rather fittingly, no one had ever understood him, except his woman.

Only she was dead now, which sucked for him.

But Hisana had been even more complicated than he, and that was one of the many reasons why Byakuya was still in love with her, and had never found another wife. Not because he was wallowing in grief, or even because he couldn't convince himself to open up his heart again.

No, it was because there were no women out there quite like Hisana. But that was why he had loved her so.

That, and she'd always let him watch when she made out with hot girls.

To this day, Byakuya still did not fully understand what had possessed him to marry a woman who was so blatantly proud to be a lesbian. It wasn't her beauty, because Hisana had always seemed rather plain to him, almost homely at times. Nor was it her charm and wit, both of which had infuriated him constantly. Perhaps it was merely the way Hisana had locked eyes with him immediately after sex, something that had never failed to make Byakuya wish, more than anything, that he could be the girl underneath her, if only for one night (Hisana was the dominant type... which only made her marrying him all the stranger).

Hisana had never loved him. He knew that now, and accepted it. But she had been fond of him, always greeting him by reaching up to caress his cheek, calling him "Bya-kun" in that tone was both annoying and endearing.

And Rukia was like her in every way, as it turned out. Except that Rukia was afraid of him, while Hisana had thought he would make a very hot girl. She had even promised to be his first if he ever saved up for a sex change operation.

Now, Byakuya had loved Hisana more than anything, and the idea of doing anything that would convince her to make love to him, even once, was welcome in his mind... except THAT. Despite how rarely he used it, he was rather attached to Lil' Bya, and not even his love for Hisana could separate them permanently.

Lady Fate was a cruel mistress, though, at least where Byakuya was concerned. He would lose Hisana, very nearly lose Rukia, and be powerless to stop either. No, actually, he had been honor bound to allow it to succeed, in Rukia's case. The very idea that he'd fought for Rukia to be executed still made him violently sick some nights. Even though he had never been what one might consider fond of her, she was still Hisana's sister, and all that he had left of his beloved, aside from memories and pictures.

But Rukia was alive, thanks almost entirely to the efforts of the single most infuriating shinigami Byakuya had ever come across.

Hisana would've liked Ichigo for that reason alone, he knew. Anyone brave and determined enough to work Byakuya's last nerve deserved a medal, she'd been known to say.

Anyway, Rukia was alive, and Byakuya had Ichigo to thank for it.

Only he didn't, and anyone that said otherwise was a filthy LIAR.

Anyway, Byakuya was not above acknowledging his own mistakes (although he was VERY slow to do so). He had learned from his mistakes with Hisana, and even if he felt nothing for Rukia beyond a sense of adoptive-brotherly duty, he would not repeat them with her. Because even now, he wanted to become a man Hisana could've at least learned to love.

This, despite the fact he'd had several nightmares where Hisana clawed her way out of the grave as a zombie, demanding something she insisted on calling "Hot Bya-Banging," and she was NOT going back in the ground until she got it, whether he liked it or not, so there.

It was NOT a fun dream any of the times he'd had it, and had in fact been responsible for the mysterious, girlish screams around the Kuchiki mansion that no one had ever found the source of. Rukia had of course taken the blame, partially because everyone suspected her, anyway (her room was across from his), but mostly because she thought he'd be angry if she didn't.

It was experiences like that which had convinced Byakuya that he had not been a perfect (or even reasonably decent) big brother, and that he needed to do something about that.

This was what had brought him to the door of Rukia's office in the 13th Division, where he was currently trying to decide how best to announce his presence. He'd been told that even his knock was intimidating, so that was out. But if he stood there much longer, someone was going to come along and SEE him standing there, looking silly.

And Kuchiki Byakuya NEVER looked silly. Ever.

Not since Hisana had died and those photos from the wedding had conveniently been cremated with her, anyway.

Making up his mind, Byakuya kept his arms at his sides and said, loudly and clearly, "Rukia."

The door practically flew open, and there was Rukia, looking as if she'd just thrown herself across the room in her hurry to not seem rude.

Hmm. They would have to work on that later. He didn't REALLY mind having to wait, oh, a second. Occasionally.

"O-Onii-sama," she gasped, trying to compose herself. It was difficult: she was out of breath and panting rather loudly. There also appeared to be some strange bruises on her neck... which, upon closer inspection, looked less like bruises and more like-

"Greetings, Captain Kuchiki," said a soft voice, and then Kurotsuchi Nemu was there, sliding an arm around Rukia's waist almost possessively.

At this, Byakuya could only arch an eyebrow.

Rukia, though, gaped in horror, first at Nemu, then at him, all the blood draining out of her face.

"Calm yourself, Rukia," he said, not wanting her to collapse right there. "I knew of your relationship long before I came here."

How could he not, what with the way Renji had been sobbing for a whole week?

Rukia's face fell even further. "I-I was going to tell you," she began nervously, "but-"

"You're interrupting," Nemu said abruptly, although she did not appear to be at all upset about this. It was more like she just wanted him to know that he'd walked in on a moment between them.

And that certainly explained the not-bruises on Rukia's neck. And the panting. And why Nemu might want to get rid of him.

Rukia just looked as if she wanted to hide behind something.

"This won't take long," Byakuya said, raising his hand.

Not surprisingly, Rukia flinched and shut her eyes tightly, expecting to be hit.

Sighing, he gently placed his hand on top of her head. "I, Kuchiki Byakuya, 28th Head of the honorable Kuchiki Clan, do hereby give Kuchiki Rukia permission to court, wed, and/or fornicate with Kurotsuchi Nemu for as long as they see fit."

This announcement was met with complete silence... at least until Nemu blinked and said, "Does that mean you want to watch?"

A million flashbacks ran through Byakuya's head in that moment, and it took everything he had to manage a hopeful yet firm, "No."

"Thank you, Onii-sama," Rukia said softly, her voice trembling.

Byakuya merely removed his hand and turned around. "Cherish the time you have together, Rukia. A long and happy life is promised to no one." He'd meant it as more of a warning, but wouldn't be surprised if they took it as a threat on their lives.

He'd only taken a few steps when he heard Nemu say, quietly, "I still think he wanted to watch..."

* * *

Ichigo said nothing as he stared out at the assembled might of the 11th Division in one of the larger courtyards reserved for such gatherings. Admittedly, he could only match names to two faces, and that was because he'd never really bothered to learn names past 5th Seat (although Yumichika had always insisted that no one below that really mattered). For some reason, Ikkaku was missing AGAIN, so that only left Yachiru and Yumichika that he could pick out of the crowd.

Yumichika was right up front. At first, Ichigo thought this was so he'd be noticed easily. But the longer they stood there, the more Ichigo became convinced that Yumichika was actually mentally undressing him.

"Oh HELL no," hissed the Hollow mask on the side of his head, picking up Ichigo's thoughts. "New rule: definitely keep HIM away from us, too."

"Like you even had to say it," Ichigo muttered back. Aloud, he cleared his throat. "Very soon, I'll officially become 11th Division Captain. But I wouldn't expect any of you to take orders from someone you could beat in a fight, so today we'll have ranking battles. ALL seats are up for grabs. You earn it, it's yours. We'll work out the details later. BEGIN!!"

There was a collective battle cry, and a great deal of charging.

For Ichigo, it was all happening in slow motion.

Actually, there was even time for the Hollow to rewind a few times, just so they could laugh at the funny expressions.

Eventually, they got serious, and decided to give the men a taste of true power.

It was very much like watching space camp gone wrong.

All of the men froze, then screamed as they were flattened against the ground, struggling helplessly against Ichigo's enormous spiritual pressure.

What little of it he'd let out, that is.

Of course, it is important to note that only the men were flattened. This was because: 1) women had learned a LONG time ago that overly aggressive, constantly drunk men did NOT make for a good working environment, and 2) largely for that reason, there were only two females even IN the courtyard in the first place.

One was of course Yachiru, who was currently staring at all of the weeping men with an amused expression on her face (and absently fingering the bright green headband she wore, which had a scowling, chibi Zaraki head on it).

The other, just beyond Yachiru, was Hinamori, who Ichigo was very surprised to see.

Neither girl was having any difficulty remaining standing, and in fact did not seem to be aware that he'd done anything at all. Curious, he added a little more power, just to see what would happen.

Yachiru blinked, realized he was the only man left standing, and skipped over to stand next to him. It was then that she finally noticed Hinamori, and responded accordingly.

"MOMO-CHAN!!"

Hinamori grunted as Yachiru barreled into her at full speed, latching onto her waist tightly.

"I missed you!" Yachiru wailed, burying her face in Hinamori's robes.

"I missed you, too," Hinamori laughed, returning the embrace.

"Look, Ichi-kun!" Yachiru shouted excitedly, grabbing Hinamori's hands and hopping in place. "Momo-chan came back!"

Ichigo merely nodded, and subtly added a bit more power.

Hinamori winced slightly, and shot him a VERY dark look, but other than that, nothing.

Grinning, Ichigo eased up, much to the relief of the fallen men. Several had made small craters as they hit the ground, and more than a few were simply twitching masses of pain and broken bones now. Yumichika seemed to have made out the best, although he was deeply upset that his robes had gotten dirty.

"So I guess that makes you two my running crew again," Ichigo commented as he walked over to Yachiru and Hinamori. His gaze lingered on Tobiume, which was strapped to Hinamori's back in a style similar to Captain Hitsugaya. "Um, you do know that you've got that released, right?"

"This coming from someone who never managed to seal his own sword?" Hinamori asked mildly.

"It was just a reminder," Ichigo grumbled.

"I think it's prettier this way," Yachiru added, poking at Tobiume with a finger.

"Thank you very much, Yachiru," Hinamori replied, smirking at Ichigo.

"So can I put a sticker on it now?"

"No."

"Awww!" Yachiru whined, pouting cutely at her. "Please?"

"No."

Ichigo cleared his throat again. "Yachiru."

"Hmm?" Yachiru asked, looking up at him. "What is it, Ichi-kun?"

"I want you to have this." With no further warning, he thrust Zaraki's wrapped zanpakuto into her hands.

Not surprisingly, Yachiru didn't even have to look inside to know what it was. "But... Ichi-kun..."

"He wanted you to have it. I'm sure of that," Ichigo interrupted. "I want you to have it, too. You should. You deserve it."

"I agree," Hinamori added, placing her hands on Yachiru's shoulders. "You worked the hardest out of all of us in training with Yoruichi."

Yachiru didn't seem to know what to say, for once. She stared at the sword for several moments in complete silence. Then she suddenly thrust it into Hinamori's arms and flung herself at Ichigo, bawling into his neck while he sighed and gently rubbed her back. It was very hard not to roll his eyes when Hinamori hugged him as well. "What are you doing?" he groaned.

"Didn't want to be left out," she murmured, snuggling far closer than he was comfortable with and resting her head on his chest.

"Can't you wait your turn?"

"Shhh. You're ruining the moment!"

Ichigo just sighed and tried to pretend he was watching this happen to someone else. Like Kon in his body. Which didn't really help, since it would still be HIS body.

* * *

Kon woke up to find himself in a rather awkward position: chained down, face-up, on a bed. At first, this seemed like a scene from one of his racier dreams, but there was a problem.

He recognized the house he was in as Chizuru's. And while she had given him permission to bring home hot babes, she had also never failed to go out with him to find them in the first place. And there was really no point in involving chains if you didn't have the hot babes first, so Kon was more than a little confused.

For several minutes, he tried to escape, with no results. Despite being in the Sailor V body that Chizuru had forced him to borrow, Kon found that his natural, unnatural leg strength was not decreased in any way. In fact, Sailor V ALREADY had powerful legs, so by all rights, Kon should've been able to kick through steel like it was wet tissue. And yet these chains resisted all of his attempts at escape. This was more than a little cause for concern.

He'd been lying there for ten minutes when he finally heard a door slam somewhere in the house, and then Chizuru walked in, sporting her usual manic grin.

"Are you comfortable, Kon-kun?" she asked sweetly.

"Uh, not really. Think you could do something about these chains?"

"Oh, I'm afraid not," Chizuru giggled. "We can't have you running away from me, can we?"

Kon blinked. "Why... would I do that?"

"Well, I heard this nasty little rumor that most guys don't like things being shoved up their bottoms, so-"

"WHOA!" Kon cried. "Where did THAT come from?! You're not into guys!"

"Well, no," Chizuru admitted, leaning against the doorframe and licking her lips. "But you don't look at all like a guy right now, Kon-kun."

Kon began to sweat rather profusely. "Listen, Chizuru, I thought we were pals! You wouldn't stick something up your pal's butt, would you?!"

Chizuru grinned at him. "I would when my pal was Sailor V."

"Dammit, Chizuru, that is not cool! Sticking things up a guy's butt is NOT COOL!"

"But sticking things up Sailor V's butt has always been a hobby of mine. Why do you think I even have an anatomically correct, life-size doll of her in the first place?"

"For realism!" Kon snapped.

She blinked. "Okay. Then I'm REALLY going to enjoy REALLY sticking things up your butt."

"NO!" Kon screamed as Chizuru ducked down, and popped up a moment later holding a box overflowing with long, pointy, and in most cases, brightly-colored objects. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!!"

"You're right," Chizuru sighed, putting the box to the side. "We're going to need plenty of lubricant first!"

"THE HELL WE WILL! KEEP AWAY FROM ME, YOU CRAZY LITTLE FRUITCAKE!"

"Oh, so you don't want any lubricant? My, you're a frisky one, Kon-kun! But if you really don't want any additional help, we can just skip it!" Chizuru snatched up the box again and dumped the contents all over the bed. "Let's see, I think we should start off with Model X3D6B. I like to call it... The Silencer."

Kon was about to ask why, but he quickly found out. Once he laid eyes on The Silencer, saw how massive it was, and reminded himself what Chizuru intended on doing with it, he could no longer convince his mouth to produce any sort of sound at all.

"Don't you worry, Kon-kun," Chizuru giggled as she crawled onto the bed. "I'll be gentle. It won't make much of a difference, but it's the thought that counts, right?"

* * *

"I am so, so sorry, Chad!" Orihime wailed.

For a freshly dead person, Chad was in a remarkably good mood as he stood in Orihime's dining room. "It's alright." He attempted to awkwardly pat her head, thought better of it when his fingers just passed through her hair instead, and lowered his hand to his side.

"At least we know it wasn't your cooking that killed him," Tatsuki sighed, shaking her head. "The studio cooked these hot dogs."

"Maybe I shouldn't have had forty-seven," Chad reasoned after a second of thought.

"Maybe," Tatsuki muttered dryly.

Kouryou leaned down and poked Chad's dead body with a finger. Tatsuki swatted his hand away after a few seconds of that.

"I never should've invited you over for dinner!" Orihime sobbed.

Chad shrugged. "What else could you do? You had fifty hot dogs leftover from the last episode you taped."

"It's not your fault, Orihime," Tatsuki groaned. "Really, it's more Kouryou's fault for doing a special episode dedicated entirely to cookies, and not telling anyone until the last minute."

Orihime shook her head. "You're just saying that to make me feel better! It is my fault!"

"No, it really isn't. Or am I the only once that noticed that Chad's face was so swollen that it was barely recognizable at the end?"

Everyone blinked and looked down.

"So..." Orihime said hesitantly, sniffling, "what's that mean?"

"That means the big dummy was probably allergic to hot dogs."

"...really?"

"Really. And WHY he would eat forty-seven of them-"

"You gave me forty-seven," Chad pointed out.

"NO, I said we have plenty. YOU took forty-seven. Didn't the first one taste funny to you at all?"

"No. It was really good. They all were. Although I couldn't really taste the last fifteen..."

"Because your tongue was so swollen that it took up most of your mouth!"

Chad blinked slowly. "You know, this whole thing makes a lot more sense when you say it, Tatsuki. Maybe you should've said something earlier."

To her credit, Tatsuki resisted the urge to give his dead body a swift kick. "So you're dead now. What are you going to do?"

"I guess I'll go to Soul Society. But I should say goodbye to Uryu first. He gets worried if I don't come in every so often and order new clothes."

Tatsuki gave him a look. "Uryu gets worried? About you?"

"He says the world is a bad enough place without me walking around naked, so I promised to buy most of my clothes from him."

"And what do you get out of that?"

"Cheap clothes."

"So what does he-"

"Free advertising." Chad bent down and tapped the shoulder of the shirt he was wearing. Instantly, the shirt lit up like a neon sign, revealing the words "Ishida Threads" in bold, circling a bright blue Quincy cross.

"You know, that's a whole new level of wrong, considering it's on a dead body now," Tatsuki said at last.

"But we can't take it off. Then I'd be naked, and that'd defeat the whole purpose of the-"

Tatsuki sighed loudly. "Kouryou? Would you, PLEASE?"

Kouryou nodded and stepped forward, whipping out his butcher knife. He paused, frowned, and tugged on Tatsuki's leg.

"What? What's wrong? Why aren't you... oh."

Tatsuki squatted, allowed Kouryou to climb onto her shoulders, and then stood up so he could actually reach Chad's head. And even then Tatsuki had to stand on her toes, and Chad had to lean down a bit before Kouryou could tap him with the handle of the butcher knife.

"Okay. I guess I'm going now." Chad paused, and did something with his mouth that might've been a smile. "I hope this doesn't ruin hot dogs for you. They really were good."

Orihime immediately burst into tears again. Tatsuki just sighed.

Kouryou was busy eating the remaining half of Orihime's hot dog, which was loaded down with pickles, soy sauce, and four flavors of cream cheese.

* * *

Yuzu was terribly good at finding things that had been abandoned, although Uryu was not aware of this when he hired her. During her first week at Ishida Threads, she brought in three kittens, five puppies, seven goldfish, and a bear (a very small bear, and remarkably tame, all things considered, but STILL a BEAR).

Uryu put his foot down at the bear. Actually, he'd put it down with the very first kitten, but Yuzu apparently hadn't heard him UNTIL he'd started stomping furiously as she pushed the bear into the waiting area with a little wagon.

"No more animals. And ESPECIALLY no animals that can grow up to potentially eat and/or kill us." He was particularly worried about being eaten while still alive, frankly.

"But Ishida-kuuuuun!" she'd whined.

"NO."

It had taken some effort to get rid of the bear. Yuzu had smeared her hand with honey, which unfortunately resulted in the bear following her around for a whole day and her missing work (although maybe that had been her intention all along, Uryu secretly suspected).

The next thing Yuzu brought in was not a pet. Not really.

It was a person.

"Ishida-kun, I found you a new assistant!" Yuzu said excitedly, dragging the person in behind her. "She knows you and everything!"

It was quite a shock to see Kurotsuchi Nemu standing in his waiting area, but Uryu got over it quickly. Mostly because he knew at once that the girl was not the original Nemu, but a very convincing copy. She smiled just a little too much, although the smiles themselves were much like the original version: hesitant, genuine, and very disarming.

Uryu got Yuzu to leave the room by saying he wanted some of her delicious tea (which he never did, so of course she was THRILLED that he'd suddenly changed his mind). The moment she'd scurried out of the room, Uryu turned to the Nemu clone and sighed.

"Who are you, really?" he asked.

"The First Children. I mean, um, Type 2, Unit 0, Designate: Kurotsuchi F.E.M.U."

"And what does that stand for?"

"'Female Efficiency Modified Undertaking.' My father is not very imaginative when it comes to names, unfortunately."

"Well... how is it that you know me?" Uryu asked, desperate for a subject change. He did not want to discuss such an... unsavory person any longer than he had to. Even Ichigo was preferable by comparison.

"My big sister (Designate: Kurotsuchi Nemu, Alpha Unit) downloaded a portion of her memories into me. You were in them."

This struck Uryu as being very odd. Why in the world would Nemu send him a clone?

"I am prepared to obtain employment at this time," the Nemu clone announced after a long moment.

Uryu frowned at her. "Why would you want to work here?"

"One of my primary objectives is to ensure the safety of Kurosaki Yuzu. You are identified as one of the people she most frequently interacts with."

Greatly bothered by that fact, Uryu immediately turned and shouted to the back, "From now on, you only work ten minutes a day, Yuzu-chan!"

"But it takes twenty minutes to make the tea perfectly!" she complained.

Sighing, Uryu turned back to the Nemu clone. "Can you even sew?"

The clone merely held up a newly-sewn red scarf, which read in yellow lettering, "Ishida Threads: No Ichigos Allowed."

"Marry me," Uryu said at once.

The Nemu clone blinked. "What?"

"You're hired," he muttered, snatching the scarf away and searching for some pins so he could hang it on the front counter. And if his cheeks looked a bit red, that was just... the red from the scarf, reflecting off of his glasses. Yes, that was it.

"Do I also only work for ten minutes, then?"

Uryu paled. To only be exposed to this heaven-sent goddess for only ten minutes a day was a new kind of cruelty. "That only applies to Yuzu-chan."

"I don't think it should, since I'm going to be living with her. It would be far more convenient if we both came into work and left at the same times."

Uryu spent the next several minutes banging his head against a nearby wall. He was forced to stop when Yuzu came back and handed him a cup of hot tea.

"You don't look well, Ishida-kun," she said with genuine concern. "Maybe we should close up early today. It would give Femu-chan a chance to get settled in at my house."

"Do you often take in strange girls off of the street?" Uryu asked.

"You know, I have the strangest feeling that we DO!" Yuzu giggled. "Isn't that funny?"

"Hilarious. How did you say you met... Femu, was it?"

"Oh, it was the weirdest thing! This creepy, bearded man in glasses was trying to lure me into his car. He kept calling me 'Yui-chan,' even after I told him he was saying my name wrong. Then Femu-chan came out of nowhere and kicked him in his happy place."

"You should really be more careful, Yuzu-chan," Femu said calmly. "There are many predators in this world, and they would find a sweet young girl like you irresistible."

"You're not going to start following me everywhere and beating up anyone who looks at me, like Ichi-nii used to, are you?"

"Well," Femu said in a considering tone, "I have nothing better to do..."

* * *

Breakfast seemed to always be an adventure for Ichigo. His earliest memories of it were trying to help dress his sisters while his mother cooked. Of course, she had final approval over his choices, but it was impossible to dress two squirming little girls and cook a non-burnt meal. The trouble had always been that Yuzu wanted to match Karin EXACTLY, while Karin would not wear ANYTHING she had seen Yuzu wearing within the past three days. Usually he'd had to tickle them into submission and stuff them into their clothes while they were trying to catch their breath.

After his mother's death, though, breakfast had changed drastically. Ichigo had taken on the role of the squirmy child, always insisting he didn't need breakfast, or that he'd find something to eat on the way to school (Tatsuki or Orihime usually carried an extra piece of fruit for that very reason). That was assuming he escaped double attacks from Karin and his father, anyway, because the moment Karin was able to take out his legs, their father would pin Ichigo while Yuzu stuffed food into his mouth. It wasn't even that Ichigo hadn't like Yuzu's cooking: he just hadn't wanted to be a burden.

Eventually, Ichigo got to the point where he would at least, without protest, eat toast smeared with something or other, under Yuzu's watchful eye. It was nowhere near as good as a full breakfast, but so long as she saw him eat SOMETHING healthy, Yuzu wouldn't make a fuss.

Despite not having Yuzu and Karin around anymore, Ichigo was never really able to escape that 'breakfast at home' feeling, even in the Seireitei. Now he had Yachiru tossing food into his Hollow mask when he wasn't looking (while Ichigo was sure the Hollow didn't NEED to eat, it enjoyed creeping him out by forcing him to digest food through his ear). On the other side, Hinamori would practice her speed and stealth by stealing all of his food, forcing him to rely on Yachiru for a decent breakfast. The few times he HAD caught Hinamori, she would just dangle food from her mouth and dare him to take it with his own. Even with the Hollow egging him on, Ichigo was not quite that bold, although one day he was certain he'd be so hungry that not even coming close to kissing Hinamori would stop him.

This morning was different, however. For one thing, Yachiru was wearing her white hair band with a chibi, scowling Ichigo head on it (she claimed it matched his haori perfectly), which was usually reserved for important meetings. For another, Hinamori was stealing OTHER people's food, and had already started several fights among the officers. Ichigo didn't stop them because, well, they were going to fight eventually, and practice was never a bad thing.

And it was better than anyone trying to pick a fight with Hinamori, who had already proven that Tobiume being in a constantly released state only made Hinamori more powerful: since becoming 3rd Seat, only Yachiru had escaped a fight with her without serious injury. Tobiume had quickly gained a reputation for slicing completely through a foe's sword on the first attack, and so far Suteneko was the only weapon that could take more than one hit from the new and improved Tobiume. Ichigo had avoided fighting Hinamori by claiming it was Yachiru's duty to test all of his challengers first. He didn't exactly like hiding behind Yachiru, but she was eager to "protect" him, and nobody had beaten her yet, much to Hinamori's annoyance.

Ichigo was done with his eggs (at least, Yachiru had finished throwing them) when a black butterfly landed neatly on the back of his hand. He had to suppress the Hollow's rather strong urge to crush it as the butterfly began speaking into his head.

"Captains Kurosaki and Unohana, please report to the Shinigami Academy at once."

"Duty calls," Ichigo grumbled as he stood up.

Yachiru immediately latched onto his left shoulder. "Where we going, Ichi-kun?"

"Guess." He paused, noticing that Hinamori hadn't moved from her seat. "You coming?"

Hinamori beamed at him and stood up. "Just waiting for my invitation."

"So if I hadn't said anything, you-"

"Would've followed you anyway? Yes. But it's always nicer to know you want me with you, Ichigo."

Shaking his head, Ichigo quickly left the mess hall, with Yachiru guessing wildly at to where they were going, and Hinamori faithfully at his side. He hurried, not because the message had sounded urgent, but because it hadn't. Then again, he wasn't sure if a butterfly knew how to sound urgent.

Captain Unohana was waiting patiently for them at the academy entrance. Ichigo couldn't imagine how she'd beaten them, because he had NEVER seen her run. Or breathe hard. Or have even a single hair out of place. She was so perfect that it was almost creepy. Except that it really wasn't, since she was always so nice and motherly to anyone with half a brain and some manners.

Ichigo felt a little weird when he noticed that Unohana was alone, while he'd brought help (although it was hard to think of Yachiru as being intentionally helpful). But if Unohana had a problem with that, she only showed it by smiling and complimenting Yachiru's hair band.

"So did they tell you why they asked for us, Unohana-sama?" Ichigo asked, feeling more than a little curious. He'd never attended the academy, so he couldn't even begin to imagine why they would request him for any mission involving it.

"Apparently, there is a problem with three new students," Unohana informed them. "They have crossed over from your hometown, Kurosaki-kun, and I understand that the ringleader is one of your friends."

Ichigo was less shocked that one of his friends was causing trouble in the Shinigami Academy (he knew for a fact that Soifon had saved the arrest reports on them all, just in case), and more concerned that one of them was now apparently dead. He immediately thought of Orihime and Tatsuki, as they were the only ones he hadn't checked on recently.

Before Ichigo could confirm his fears, there was a loud explosion as part of the academy collapsed in on itself, followed by a great deal of screaming as a large number of students fled the building. "Definitely NOT Orihime," Ichigo muttered as he sprang into the chaos, not at all surprised to see Unohana easily keeping pace with him, still with that peaceful expression on her face. Hinamori at least looked mildly excited about the possibility of a good fight.

Ichigo followed the trail of panicked students until he found a classroom that was still slightly smoking.

"And anyone ELSE who dares to insult one of the Karakura Superheros will get the same!" a loud, obnoxious voice declared.

"No," Ichigo groaned, knowing what he would see, but wishing it was anything else.

Sure enough, his gaze soon landed on the cocky form of Jinta, menacing an elderly instructor with a colossal, red, spike-studded bat that was easily three times the size of his own body.

Ururu stood off to the side, desperately trying to put out some of the smaller fires along the wall that she had no doubt helped start with one of her many weapons of mass destruction.

But the real surprise was Chad, quietly sitting on the floor and shifting uncomfortably in his academy uniform, which looked a few sizes too small.

"What the hell are you three doing here?!" Ichigo demanded.

Jinta spun around and grinned wickedly. "Hey, it's Carrot Top! Ruuuuuu-chaaaan, your boyfriend is here!"

Ururu immediately turned bright red and ducked behind Chad (quite unnecessary, since all she really had to do was stand behind him to be hidden from sight).

Ichigo was about to ask who the hell 'Ru-chan' was when Unohana and Hinamori suddenly traded knowing looks and smirked behind their hands. "What are you two grinning about?"

"That the dumb redhead is calling someone else her boyfriend when HE'S the one that gave her the cutesy nickname," the Hollow mask on the side of his head chuckled.

Jinta's whole head turned tomato red. "Shut up, you stupid mask!" he shouted angrily, waving his bat. "Don't think I won't clobber Carrot Top just to get to you, cuz I would like nothing better!"

"Jinta-kun, you're being overly aggressive again," Ururu pointed out, peeking over Chad's shoulder in a manner strangely similar to Yachiru.

"So what?!" Jinta snapped. "That's what the old fart gets for saying our weapons aren't real! Children's toys, that what he called them!"

The instructor, who had used the distraction to hide himself behind Ichigo, shook his head violently. "I only said they weren't traditional zanpakuto! And they AREN'T! LOOK at them!"

"I'm not really the one to ask about traditional swords," Ichigo sighed. "Unohana-sama, what do you think?"

There was a brief pause as Unohana looked first at Jinta, who frowned, then at Ururu, who shrank behind Chad again. Finally, her curious gaze lingered on Chad, who wasn't even carrying a visible weapon (not that he actually needed one). "It is true that none of them actually has a sword at the moment," she admitted, "but there have been plenty of zanpakuto that transform into other weapons once released. And if they are as powerful as they seem to be without swords, I see no reason to press the issue."

"But that still doesn't give them the right to attack my classroom!" the instructor insisted, a bit more brave now that Ichigo was more or less shielding him.

"This is true," Unohana agreed calmly, looking to Ururu for an explanation.

The girl glanced at her friend nervously. "Um, Jinta-kun is very sensitive-"

"HEY!" Jinta shouted in protest.

"-and easily offended," Ururu finished, bowing her head in apology. "I'm sure he didn't really want to hurt anyone."

"NOBODY insults Karakura Red!" Jinta growled, pointing his spiked bat at the instructor. "Not even you, old man!"

The instructor shrieked and clutched frantically at Ichigo's haori. "He's attacking again!"

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Hey, Ururu-chan, can't you put a leash on him or something?"

Blushing slightly, Ururu shuffled over to Jinta and tugged on his sleeve. "Jinta-kun, maybe you should calm down-"

Jinta glared at her, snatching his arm away. "YOU calm down!"

There was a pause, and then the entire room seemed to grow darker as Ururu slowly reached into her pocket, and proceeded to pull out a monstrous gun with at least twenty barrels of various sizes, which she settled quite easily on one shoulder, despite its enormous size.

"Jinta-kun," she said in a voice like steel, "calm down or we'll have to play 'The Hurty Game' again."

Jinta turned white and instantly dropped his bat. "Okay, okay, I'm calm!" he cried, waving his hands in surrender.

"You don't seem calm," Ururu commented quietly, pressing a large, red button on the side of her giant gun. Instantly, a loud, ominous hum filled the room as the weapon began to charge.

Jinta instantly threw himself at her feet, clutching her ankles. "I'M CALM!!" he screamed in fear. "PLEASE STOP, URURU-CHAN!!"

"Oh. Well, since you asked so nicely." Ururu pressed the button again, and the hum died at once. The gun seemed to fold in on itself as she stuffed it back into her pocket. Then she knelt down and patted Jinta's head fondly. "Good boy!"

Ichigo found he could only gape at that little display. Despite how many times he'd seen Ururu attack things in the past, it was still VERY weird to see her seriously threatening anyone. And it disturbed him to no end when he glanced to his left and saw that Hinamori was taking notes. Thankfully, Unohana chose that moment to clear her throat lightly.

"Um, are we in trouble?" Ururu asked softly, looking as if she were about to hide again.

She looked so pitiful that Ichigo almost said no, then thought better of it and looked to Unohana, who smiled reassuringly.

"I'm sure this is all just a misunderstanding, and I see no need to make a formal report. Kurosaki-kun, since they are your friends..."

Ichigo winced, knowing what she was thinking already.

"Perhaps it would be best if you handled this?" Unohana smiled pleasantly at him, and even though Ichigo felt like swearing, he only nodded as she swept past him, patting his shoulder briefly before she left the room.

Hinamori snickered loudly, grinning as Ichigo frowned at her. "Your orders, Captain?" she asked in a teasing tone.

"That's Captain Ichi-kun to you!" Yachiru giggled, swinging back and forth on Ichigo's arm.

Sighing, Ichigo gently shook her off. "You two take Ururu-chan and Batboy to Nemu, and see if she can get them fitted for some power limiters. Once you're done, we'll get them some rooms in the 11th Division. No sense leaving them here to blow up another classroom."

"What about the Sadly Brown Giant?" Yachiru asked, pointing at Chad.

"He's with me," Ichigo answered. "But if you hurry, I might even let Ururu-chan stay in your room."

Yachiru instantly grabbed Ururu's hand and practically dragged her from the room, while Hinamori prodded Jinta out with Tobiume, much to the boy's displeasure. She really HAD been taking notes.

Ichigo shook his head and turned to Chad. "So are you going to tell me why you're dead?"

Chad nodded and stood up. "Apparently, I'm very allergic to hot dogs. And Tatsuki says hi."

"Really?"

"No. She really says, 'Damn you, Ichigo,' but I figured my greeting was better."

"Uh, right," Ichigo murmured, blinking slowly. "So where's your sword?"

Chad shrugged. "Don't have one. But I think I know why I don't."

"I'm listening."

Chad reached into his uniform and pulled out his grandfather's old coin. "When I squeeze Abuelo's coin, this happens." The room shook as Chad's right arm was coated in red and black armor. "Yoruichi said my powers wouldn't change much if I ever died. Guess she was right."

"Well, that explains how you got here. What about the other two?"

"I'm not really sure," Chad admitted. "They caught up to me right outside of Jidanbo's gate. He was only going to let me in, since he remembered me, but he changed his mind after Ururu shot him a few times. She's really strong, you know."

Ichigo chuckled. "I noticed."

* * *

"Ishida-kun! You'll never guess what I found!"

Uryu groaned and turned to the counter as Yuzu skipped in, a bright smile on her face. Femu was right behind her, pointedly staring at an object in Yuzu's hand.

"Look! It's our new mascot!" Yuzu held up a rather worn-out lion plushie.

Uryu pushed his glasses up slightly. "It looks like a rather old mascot, Yuzu-chan. And what do lions have to do with sewing?"

"Well, nothing! But I just figured someone as talented as you would be able to fix him up so he'd look beautiful again!"

Sighing, Uryu took the lion from her and dropped it on the counter. "Very well. I'll see what I can do."

Yuzu zipped around the counter and latched onto his waist. "You're the best, Ishida-kun!"

"I'm aware," he sighed, trying to simultaneously pat her head and push her away without it being too obvious. "Why don't you and Femu go into the back and make some of that tea that I... like so much..."

"Okay!" Yuzu chirped, vanishing into the backroom/employee lounge.

Femu followed, but not before shooting Uryu a certain look.

Frowning, Uryu poked the lion rather hard. "Kon, they're gone."

"Make... the hurting... stop..." Kon whimpered, shuddering uncontrollably.

"What in the world happened to you?"

"I... was... VIOLATED!" Kon sobbed, flinging himself at Uryu and blowing his nose in the Quincy's shirt.

"I don't see any noticeable holes in you," Uryu commented, pulling Kon away by his ears.

"I wasn't IN this body when it happened," Kon sniffled.

"Okay. And how did you get back into this body?"

"The new body was... anatomically correct. And after SHE got done with it, I sort of just... fell out."

"Fell out?"

Kon gave him a withering glare. "Trust me, there were PLENTY of holes stretched wide enough by the time SHE got done with it."

"I... see," Uryu replied, and unfortunately, he really, really did. "So what are you doing here?"

Kon's beady little eyes became huge and watery. "I was hoping you'd put me out of my misery, since you never seemed to like me much, anyway."

Uryu was more than a little surprised. Kon had been treated poorly before, but he'd always enjoyed life in Karakura far too much to stay depressed for long. So the idea that Kon was ready to die, and give up on ogling and pursuing large-breasted women... it only indicated how horrible this latest incident had been.

The Quincy was, strangely enough, moved by Kon's plight. After all, Kon was a simple-minded, perverted modified soul, willing to do anything to get his hands on a hot girl. It was a hopeless quest, not unlike Uryu's rivalry with Ichigo. He was willing to admit that the dream of ever surpassing Ichigo in power was very much dead.

For one thing, it had taken everything Uryu had to even fight a Gotei 13 captain to a draw. Ichigo had actually BEATEN one on several occasions since then. So the fact that Ichigo was now a captain himself only meant that he was far more powerful, and was finally being recognized for it.

For another, his attacking Ichigo would only upset Yuzu. And despite Uryu's supposed dislike for his assistant, he was never actually cruel to her. The Honor of the Quincy wouldn't allow him to treat a child in such a manner, anyway. Although it was suprisingly lenient in letting him get a few work hours out of her, or at least his interpretation of it was.

"Kon," Uryu said at last, "you're tired of being mistreated, yes? You just want to be treated kindly and fairly, right? I have an offer that may interest you."

Kon sniffled loudly. "Bless you, kind nerd!"

"You're pushing it, Kon. You really are."

* * *

Suteneko was rather accustomed to waking up in odd places: various mess halls, candy shops, Captain Soifon's quarters, and even the occasional flea market (one day, she would have to explain to Yachiru that actual fleas were usually NOT for sale in such places). She had a curious, whimsical shinigami for an owner, so such things had to be expected (and tolerated).

But at the very least, Suteneko was used to waking up mostly alone, or at least alone in Yachiru's arms. So it was a rather rude shock to wake up one morning and find a black cat eating HER breakfast (sweetened milk and cream puffs; any cat that could not stomach sugar wouldn't last long in Yachiru's care).

"EXCUSE me?" Suteneko hissed angrily.

The black cat paused and raised its head. "Oh, hello again. I was wondering if you were just going to sleep and let me eat all of this."

"LET you... that's MY breakfast!"

"What's left of it, sure," the black cat replied, licking the remains of a cream puff from one of her front paws. "You know, I always thought the point of a catnap was to sleep lightly, for a little while, so you could spring up at a moment's notice, say, if someone came along to eat your breakfast. But I guess you have a different opinion."

"My OPINION is that you SHOULD NOT have EATEN MY BREAKFAST!!" Suteneko growled, a pink, flamelike aura blazing around her.

The black cat looked at her and smirked. "Cute. But next time, you might be better off with something like, oh, this."

Suteneko shrieked as, in the next moment, she found herself practically crushed by the black cat's overwhelming spiritual pressure. Even more amazing, the black cat was still calmly licking its paw, which meant it wasn't even FOCUSING its power... yet.

At that point, Suteneko realized several things. The black cat had said hello again, so they'd met before. Few cats in their right minds would dare to steal the food of Yachiru's cat. And Suteneko had only met one cat more powerful than her.

"Forgive me, Ichi-sensei!" she gasped.

Frowning, Yoruichi allowed her power to fade. "I really do wish you two would stop calling me that."

"I'm sorry... but Yachiru insisted, and I am her cat..."

"Well, no one can accuse you of being a bad one." Yoruichi pushed the food dish over to Suteneko, noticing for the first time that it was labeled in bright pink, childish script: MY KITTY! (someone else had added Suteneko's name on the other side)

Suteneko slowly lapped at her milk, her mind still reeling.

Yoruichi clearly noticed the attention, because she asked, "What is it?"

"Why are you here, Ichi-sensei? I thought you were, well... forbidden?"

"I suppose I am," Yoruichi admitted. "But I don't recall there being any mention of a black cat in that particular ban, and that's all I am now. I'm sure I can trust you not to say anything."

Suteneko immediately grew anxious. "But... you know Yachiru isn't all that good with secrets..."

Yoruichi laughed. "You worry too much. I'm quite safe. I know for a fact that I have four captains willing to defend me... or I will shortly. Now, be a dear and lend me one of those stylish collars of yours? Oooh, I just love this orange one with the little me on it..."

A minute later, Yachiru burst into the room, and stopped upon noticing there was not just one, but TWO rather presentable cats sitting on the bed, wear rather stylish collars and looking at her expectantly.

She probably should've at least confirmed that one was indeed Yoruichi. Instead, she grinned and swept them up in a loving embrace. "Come on, kitties!" she sang. "We have to go watch Ichi-kun get promoted!"

* * *

"This is stupid," Ichigo grumbled as he watched Yamamoto drone on about how momentous the day was. "We're already doing the workloads of these supposed promotions. Couldn't he just send out a letter to everyone and save some time?"

Rukia agreed, but still felt the need to elbow him sharply. She had to keep up the appearance of being respectful, at the very least. In truth, she'd caught herself yawning and leaning against Ichigo quite a few times in the past hour. She would always wake up when Captain Ukitake coughed discretely, or Ichigo's Hollow mask started whispering dirty limericks at her (she wasn't entirely sure he was doing it against Ichigo's will, either).

Finally, Yamamoto got to the promotions... or, at least, he got SOMEWHAT closer to them. He was going on about how the Gotei 13 were in need of drastic improvement in the wake of Aizen's betrayal, and how it was time to let the new generation step up and prove themselves capable.

By that point, Rukia and Ichigo were really just listening for their own names.

Surprisingly, Yamamoto started in reverse order, so Rukia got announced as the new lieutenant of the 13th Division first. She went up on stage amidst significant applause, shook Yamamoto's hand, bowed to the crowd, and quickly returned to Ichigo's side before she could fall asleep again.

Ichigo was next, of course. It was hard to hear anything over the shrill screams of women: many of them just thought the Hollow mask was a daring fashion statement. The Hollow didn't help by flicking his tongue out at every female within reach. Ichigo barely suppressed the urge to slap the side of his head, but he knew it would hurt him, too, and make him look more ridiculous.

Yamamoto got everyone's attention again when he addressed the 9th Division. Of course, everyone had KNOWN that new captains were needed to replace those that had defected, but there had never been anything other than idle talk, so far as they knew. None of the captains looked surprised, not even Ichigo, but then any new captains would've either had to get their approval or pass an exam (since absolutely everyone in the Seireitei would've felt it if two captains had fought).

Everyone else, however, was beyond shocked when Yamamoto announced that Captain Sado Yasutora (although it would've been FAR simpler but less dignified to say "Captain Chad," which would quickly become both his nickname and the most common way of addressing him) was the new leader of the 9th Division, and that the Division itself would be undergoing a major transformation, as it became the Rescue, Infiltration, and Retrieval Division. Supposedly it would be devoted to rescuing shinigami trapped behind enemy lines, by using a huge amount of power to break through enemy ranks in the process, and then quickly retreating to ensure emergency medical treatment was given as soon as possible.

Captain Chad could not be reached for comment. He was found alongside his new friend, Captain Komamura, both of whom were sitting to the side, wearing matching headphones, bobbing their heads in time to salsa music, and generally not talking to each other.

The Division's new specialty made a LOT more sense when Jinta and Ururu became its co-lieutenants. But it took a while to convince Jinta that the Division could not be renamed "The Karakura Superheroes Reborn, Plus About Three Hundred Other Guys." A lot of officers didn't like the idea of taking orders from two kids, but once word got out that Ururu was the same little girl that had shot up Jidanbo, they fell in line at once.

Rukia was still trying to wrap her mind around Chad, of all people, becoming a captain when she got another big shock.

Namely, Renji becoming 5th Division Captain, with Ikkaku as his new lieutenant. Neither man looked particularly happy about it, but one glance at the sour expression on Byakuya's face made their collective day.

Then it was Captain Hitsugaya's turn to make a sour face as Rangiku was made 3rd Division Captain, with Hanataro as her new lieutenant. Rangiku gave a short speech, saying that she'd actually wanted to be 9th Division Captain, just so she could keep standing near her beloved Captain Hitsugaya at meetings. Hitsugaya turned bright red and ordered Kiyone, his newly transferred lieutenant, NEVER to allow Rangiku anywhere near his office. Kiyone, always a BIT too eager when it came to her duties as lieutenant, tried to frisk Rangiku on the spot, and got into a fist fight with a surprisingly scrappy Hanataro. They were finally separated by Jinta, who "accidentally" clubbed both into unconsciousness.

* * *

"So you say she's hot?"

Uryu firmly ignored the question from his fruit basket as he strode the halls of the hospice. He did not particularly like going there. For one thing, his father was on the board of directors, and for another, it reminded him far too much of giving up.

"What are her measurements? C'mon, give me an estimate!"

"Kon," Uryu hissed at the fruit basket, "I will drop you from the third floor if you don't shut up."

"It would only hurt for a while," Kon reasoned, poking his head out of the fruit basket. "And Rukia nee-chan probably kicks harder than you can drop."

Growling, Uryu shoved Kon's head back under a conveniently placed melon. Thankfully, the Quincy found the door he was looking for in the next moment, and knocked loudly.

"Come in," said a soft voice, and this was immediately followed by a bout of explosive, decidedly moist coughing.

Shutting his eyes, Uryu purposely waited a few more seconds before opening the door. It did little good.

The young woman in the bed was staring at the doorway expectantly, her hands folded in her lap. But there were telltale red stains around her lips, as well as traces on her fingers. Upon seeing him, her face lit up in surprise. "Ishida-kun! You're early this month. I wasn't expecting you for another week."

"Hello, Yukinko-chan," Uryu said in a surprisingly warm tone as he walked over and sat down beside the bed. "I had some free time, and I thought I'd drop by with a gift. I know how you love fruit."

Yukinko self-consciously ran a hand through her long, white hair. "Oh, you should've called first! I probably look like such a mess..."

"I agree. You seem like a slightly less radiant goddess today."

She blushed prettily, giving him a playful shove. "You're terrible, Ishida-kun!"

"I'll have you know that if you want to flatter me, you'll have to use something I don't hear every day," he replied, selecting a yellow apple from the basket and offering it to her.

"Could you slice it for me, please?" Yukinko asked, batting her long eyelashes at him.

Uryu smiled, but he was not fooled. He saw the way her fingers dug into the sheets. She didn't want to take the apple because it would draw attention to the blood on her fingers. She'd probably even teasingly ask him to feed her in a minute. That was fine; he was happy to do both. Still, he had a childish urge to take her hands in his and kiss each of her fingertips, just to show how much he didn't care.

Once the apple was sliced into easily chewable portions, he wordlessly held the first piece to her lips. She gave him a grateful, knowing smile before taking the slice into her mouth. It was hard to tell if she purposely brushed her lips against his fingers, or if it was unavoidable.

"How was your day?" Uryu asked once she swallowed.

"Well... I have good and bad ones, as you know. This one just got a lot better."

He nodded, not having to ask anymore. It was good that he'd come, then. "I brought you another gift, but I'm not sure you'll want it."

"Don't be silly. I love everything you give me," Yukinko said at once.

"Which is exactly why I hesitate to give you this one." Uryu reached into the basket and pulled out Kon.

The stuffed lion looked a LOT better, after several hours under Uryu's needle. Almost brand new, to the untrained eye. It would help a great deal that Yukinko had never seen him before, too. But Uryu had been careful to disguise the worn areas with small Quincy crosses. Kon hadn't like those, until Uryu explained they would help him pass as a sort of patron saint, which would convince this particular young woman to keep him.

And Kon DID want her to keep him. She seemed nice enough, and most importantly, she was hot and busty. Okay, the white hair was a LITTLE odd, but it wasn't as if he'd be spending much time looking at her face.

"What's his name?" Yukinko asked as she held Kon at arm's length.

"Kon," Uryu replied. "Patron saint of protection for... the Quincies." He winced at the lie. As if Quincies would EVER pray to Kon for ANYTHING.

"Oh! A Quincy saint! I didn't know you had those, too!"

"Yes," Uryu answered weakly. "I suppose it slipped my mind."

"And he'll protect me?" she asked eagerly, hugging Kon to her chest.

"I can't imagine why he wouldn't." That much was true; Kon was already subtly snuggling into Yukinko's considerable chest, but she didn't seem to notice.

"Thank you so much, Ishida-kun!" Yukinko said, leaning over to kiss his cheek. "I'll keep him with me always!"

"I'm sure he'd love that, Yukinko-chan..."

* * *

"Come on, Ururu-chan!" Yachiru shouted as she ran circles around the other girl. "Only ten more miles to go!"

It was rare times like this when Ururu seriously questioned the wisdom of coming to the Soul Society, or at least not staying in the Rukongai. But she hadn't had much choice: Urahara had said it was time for her and Jinta to leave the nest. And then he'd heavily implied that if they hurried, they could catch up with Chad on his way to the Seireitei.

Ururu had always liked Chad. He was handy for dusting in those hard to reach places around Urahara's shop, and seemed strangely resigned to having little people stand on his shoulders no matter where he went (she was always considerate enough to at least play music for him to listen to).

Jinta didn't like Chad exactly, but unlike Ichigo, Chad actually WOULD stand there while you wailed on him with a bat: he could rarely even feel it, and even when he did, he'd just turn regularly to spread out the damage.

It was pretty much a given that they would all go to the Seireitei together. Ururu couldn't recall a time when Jinta hadn't been in her life, and ever since that disastrous trip with Urahara and Tessai, he was suddenly much more willing to be around her, although he was also quite jumpy and prone to violent rages if it was even implied that he enjoyed the company of men. For no reason, Jinta would also cling to her for several minutes when they were alone, and Ururu found she very much enjoyed those hugs.

As for Chad, he didn't mind the company, and confessed he felt a little off if small people (to Chad, this ran from infants to anyone about a head taller than Rukia) walked alongside him when he could easily carry them on his shoulders. Jinta greatly resented being considered small, but was lazier than he was proud, and so quickly gave in.

All three of them found the Shinigami Academy boring. They all knew how to fight already, and really, none of them had any traditional shinigami powers (Chad especially, since his powers more resembled those of a Hollow). They tried to behave, anyway. Well, Ururu and Chad did, at least. Jinta... well, he was Jinta, and that's all anyone could ever expect of him.

Thankfully, Ichigo's intervention had kept them out of big trouble, although they did join the short list of shinigami that were required to wear power limiters at all times (thinking this was an accomplishment, Yachiru threw them a party). Ururu found out later that the only reason Ichigo didn't wear one was because no one could configure a limiter that suppressed both shinigami and Hollow powers at the same time, and targeting only one wouldn't have been effective enough in Ichigo's case.

The limiters were actually very comfortable, and useful for training. Ururu got some very nice bows for her hair. Jinta was issued several bodysuits (all red) to wear beneath his shinigami uniform. Chad's was most impressive: a thick silver collar, upon which hung a massive Quincy cross, formerly a steel girder, and rumored to weigh at least two tons.

Ururu took being Chad's lieutenant very seriously, and she wanted to be a big help to him. So she had gone to Yachiru in hopes of getting some tips. According to the pink-haired girl, being able to run far and fast was key, so she could always keep up with her captain (also so he could never get away from her, though Ururu wasn't sure if that applied in her own case). But she had never realized how much Yachiru ran just for the sake of it, and very few people did, since she did most of it at the crack of dawn.

But Ururu was showing some improvement, and in return, she was teaching Yachiru the basics of boxing. It was more of a hobby for Ururu, since she preferred her guns, but upon learning that Kiyone was also a boxer, Yachiru had shown great interest in being better than her. When asked why, Yachiru had given Ururu an answer that surprisingly made sense.

"Of course I have to beat her! Big Mouth thinks she can impress Shiro-chan by being the only lieutenant who can box! Plus I heard that she was mean to Ruki nee-chan on her date with Robot Girl, so I'm gonna give her a fat lip to go with that fat head! Anyway, Ran-chan promised me lots of candy if I gave Big Mouth a black eye, and Ran-chan always gives me the lollies with chocolate inside!"

* * *

Ichigo was drunk for the first time in his life. Well, that was wrong. He had a pretty good buzz, since apparently the alcohol was split between him and the Hollow, which was good to know.

It all started when Hinamori mentioned that some of the men were asking if he was going to start calling himself Kenpachi Kurosaki. She had meant it as a joke, mostly, expecting him to roll his eyes.

Both of them had been startled when Ichigo had given her a cold look, and told her, quietly but firmly, that he wanted the name Kenpachi preserved so that no one could ever take it from Zaraki.

Hinamori, hurt and confused, had admitted she didn't know if that were possible.

Ichigo, growing angrier by the second, had told her to go to Yamamoto and MAKE it possible, or he'd find someone who could.

She'd nodded and left without a word.

Five minutes later, he'd felt horrible, and the feeling remained for much of the day, even as he and Yachiru left to meet the other recently promoted captains for drinks that night. He still hadn't heard from Hinamori, and she was probably purposely avoiding him. He'd never snapped at her that way, and it bothered him. Ichigo wanted to blame his Hollow, but knew he couldn't. The Hollow was far more interested in getting him (well, them) some sex, and would never drive away a perfectly willing female like Hinamori.

Yachiru noticed his mood at once, but she could also tell what it was about, so instead of trying to fix it, she merely held his hand. It in no way solved Ichigo's problem, but it was nice to know someone felt the same way he did.

Ichigo felt a bit better when they reached the bar, since it was so rare to see so many of his friends in one place anymore. Rangiku had brought Hanataro, Renji had brought Ikkaku, Chad had brought Jinta and Ururu, and... Rukia had brought herself, which Renji took great joy in pointing out until Yachiru popped him in the mouth.

Most of the night was a blur, but Ichigo clearly remembered some things. There was a chocolate milk chugging contest between Yachiru, Ururu, Jinta, and Hanataro (Jinta won). Then Renji and Ikkaku gave Ichigo the nickname of "Double Ugly." Rangiku poured water all over them, then kissed both Ichigo and the Hollow's cheeks. Half of the men in the bar had challenged Chad to arm wrestling, and every single one lost, including Renji, who challenged him three times, and Ikkaku, who challenged him seven times. The worst part was that Chad had never even heard of arm wrestling before then.

At some point, Ichigo had REALLY been buzzed, because he also recalled slow dancing with Rukia, who had stood on his feet so she could reach his neck easier. But he'd also caught Renji dancing with Ururu, so at least he wasn't the only one.

Afterwards, he and Yachiru had walked Rukia back to the 13th Division, which was just weird. First, Rukia had kissed his cheek for dancing with her. Then Nemu had kissed him for walking Rukia home. Then Rukia kissed Yachiru so she wouldn't feel left out, and so did Nemu, just because Rukia had done it. Then Nemu kissed Rukia just because she could, and Yachiru kissed Ichigo because he was closest. Then Ichigo had grabbed Yachiru and run, because Captain Ukitake walked in, and Ichigo wasn't interested in finding out who had to kiss him.

Back in the 11th Division, Ichigo walked Yachiru to her quarters, wondering if maybe he'd be better off sticking to chocolate milk the next time they went to a bar. At least he'd remember everything.

"I had lots of fun tonight, Ichi-kun," Yachiru told him happily. "Next time we should invite Momo-chan and Shiro-chan, but only if he promises not to bring Big Mouth."

"I don't think Hinamori will want to hang out with us for a while. Or at least not me," Ichigo sighed.

"I'll talk to her for you tomorrow," Yachiru promised. "She just doesn't understand. She doesn't miss Ken-chan like we do. His name isn't important to her like it is for us. But she didn't mean to disrespect him."

"How'd you get so smart?" he asked, surprised that she'd manage to make perfect sense for bordering on a whole minute.

Yachiru beamed at him. "I eat my own weight in sugar every day!"

Ichigo stared at her with his mouth open. "You're so going to the dentist tomorrow."

She giggled, either not believing him, ignoring him, or being confident that she could escape if it came to that. "Oh, well. Night, Ichi-kun!" Yachiru sprang onto his shoulder and kissed him noisily on the cheek. "I love you!" With that, she hopped down and vanished into her room, humming loudly.

"I'm gonna throw up," the Hollow groaned.

Ichigo smacked the mask half-heartedly, wincing as he went into his own room. He really hoped Yachiru could smooth things over with Hinamori, then frowned at the direction of his thoughts. What was he thinking? Of course Yachiru could do it, the only people who could stay mad at her for more than five minutes were all freaks.

"I resent that," the Hollow grumbled, getting another whack from Ichigo.

* * *

Tatsuki hated it whenever Orihime was deep in thought. It usually led up to something bad happening, and it was almost always something that Tatsuki had the damnedest time trying to make right.

"What is it, Orihime?" Tatsuki sighed wearily. "Why aren't you asleep?"

"Because I want a baby."

Tatsuki immediately sat up in bed and turned on the lamp, ignoring the way Kouryou poked his head from under the sheets and glared at her. "Okay, first, you did not just say that to me, and second, you did not just say that to me while we're in bed together with your son. You do recall that you already have a kid, right? Why would you want another? This one isn't even fully grown yet!"

"Because he's not... never mind." Orihime seemed to deflate a little, her eyes taking on an impossibly sad look.

Tatsuki knew that look. She had damned it far too many times not to. Growling, she crawled across the bed and seized Orihime's arms firmly. "I want you to look me in the eyes and promise that you won't sleep with the first guy that comes along!"

"I promise," Orihime agreed easily enough, looking slightly offended.

"Now promise you won't do the same with Ichigo." Which was really what that look had been all about, Tatsuki just knew it.

"But-"

"No, Orihime. Promise me."

Orihime looked away. "I can't," she whispered.

"Why not?!"

"You know why, Tatsuki..."

"What about Kou-kun?"

"We already talked about it. He wants a sister."

Tatsuki glared at the boy, who shrugged. "Traitor."

Orihime reached over and squeezed her friend's hand. "It'll be okay, Tatsuki. Really."

"No, it won't! You're going to throw yourself at some guy, or worse, Ichigo, and get knocked up! It will most definitely not be okay!"

"Why do you hate him?"

"I don't hate him!" Tatsuki snapped. "I hate that your being in love with him hurts you, and that his being completely unaware of your feelings hurts you even more! Why can't you just let him go?!"

"That's easy," Orihime murmured. "Because I never got to have him in the first place..."

* * *

Captain Hitsugaya woke up at midnight from a bad dream. Only it wasn't just a dream.

He'd been busy showing Kiyone the ropes for most of the week, and so he hadn't been able to put aside some time to do the paperwork that was steadily piling up on his desk. Certainly it would've been easier to get a Nemu clone to do it, but he firmly refused to trust anything that Captain Kurotsuchi would mass-produce for public use.

Unable to get back to sleep, Hitsugaya wandered over to his office, planning to get a little paperwork in. With any luck, that would put him to sleep easily.

But it was not to be. For when he opened the door to his office, he got quite a shock.

Kiyone was seated on what he had begun to think of as Matsumoto's sleeping couch (she was ALWAYS there), her hand a blur as she... filled out his paperwork?

"...Lieutenant Kotetsu?" he asked curiously.

Kiyone instantly leaped from the couch, a guilty look on her face. "Captain! I-I was just-"

"Doing all of the paperwork I've been neglecting," he murmured, a strange feeling coming over him as he stepped into the room.

"I meant no disrespect, Captain Hitsugaya!" Kiyone cried loudly as he approached her. "I only wanted to help because I respect you so much, sir!"

Hitsugaya stared at the dwindling pile of papers within his inbox, and then at the large stack in his outbox. He turned to Kiyone, smiled... and gave her the most passionate kiss he'd ever given anyone.

Then he went back to bed.

Kiyone just stood there for several minutes, gaping at the desk. Then she blinked slowly, sat heavily on the couch, and wondered if Matsumoto had only turned out the way she was because of trying to keep up with her frisky former captain. Pushing that thought from her head, she went back to finishing the paperwork, but the healthy blush on her cheeks remained for quite some time.

**End of Chapter 8.**

* * *

**Next Chapter: Sleeping (with) Hime**

In which Ichigo learns not to grant small favors, gets lucky, and later finds himself in bed with Rukia's Closet Club. Also, Kouryou discovers his knife's name (and gets himself and Tatsuki banned from the park in the process), and Yukinko gets a visit from two shinigami.

Endnotes:

yukinko: snow child; type of winter spirit

As for why Soifon referred to Hinamori as "-kun." As I understand it, it's only acceptable to use that for a girl in certain environments or relationships: basically school or work. A boss might use it for a female employee, a teacher might use it for a female student. Here, it's more because Hinamori is training under Soifon, and I can't really see Soifon using "-chan" for ANYONE, EVER.

I hope the Byakuya scene is funny. I've wracked my brain to find a way to make that man humorous, and this is all I could come up with. Damn stick in the mud...

Since Kiyone was technically an acting lieutenant already, becoming an official one in another Division doesn't really seem like upward advancement to me. More like... horizontal shifting.

About all the promotions. Some were pure crack, others were at least half serious. I won't say which were which, though.

If you're wondering who Yukinko is, and what she's dying from, that will be explained next chapter. Although I bet some of you might already suspect in both cases.

I doubt Quincies recognize saints.

I totally thought Kiyone was a boy the first time I saw her. Turns out she's just a major tomboy, and her sister got the more feminine traits. Anyway. You probably shouldn't read too much into the kiss (although Kiyone might). If someone did all of your boring paperwork, you'd probably kiss them, too.

This chapter title inspired by "Beauty and the Beast," a tale of love, loneliness, and large egos. Also lots of haunted, singing and dancing appliances, which are either cute or creepy, depending on how many times you watch it.


	9. Sleeping with Hime

WARNING

WARNING!: In this chapter, you will find implied sex. Mind you, I don't do lemons, and yet there is still sex here. I can't stress enough that there will be sex here, just so no one stumbles upon the sex accidentally and goes, "Hey, wait! THERE'S SEX HERE! NOW WHERE'S THE CANDY?!"

**Ichigo and the Beanstalk**

**A Bleach Fairy Tale by**

**Nate Grey (XMAN0123-at-aol-dot-com)**

**Chapter 9: Sleeping (with) Hime**

* * *

Hinamori liked to dissect dolls.

This was a habit she had only picked up recently.

Sometimes she would do it with an anatomy guide open beside her, so she could imagine certain organs gushing forth blood at the same time. But she much preferred the soft stuffing of dolls instead. It was easier and cleaner to squeeze.

She only dissected dolls when she was angry, or right before a fight. Visualization was key, Soifon had drilled into her head over and over again. See yourself doing it, and then do it. But Hinamori suspected that if she just walked into Ichigo's office and tried to stab him, he'd move and throw off the precision of the cut.

There was a soft knock at the door, and an equally soft voice murmured, "Momo-chan? Can I come in?"

Blinking rapidly, Hinamori swept the doll and its remains into a prepared box (she was far too used to having to hide them) and slid it under her bed. Then, since she was already on the floor, chose to remain there and act like she'd been meditating. "Yes, Yachiru."

Yachiru didn't usually ask to enter a room; she figured if someone wanted privacy, they'd lock their door like she did. She also figured her candy would be stolen if she left her door unlocked. This was rather silly, because the few times it had happened, Yachiru had managed to sniff out the culprit, literally, and had Ichigo deck the unfortunate officer for her. He hadn't really MEANT to break the guy's jaw, but at the same time, he wasn't sorry.

Ironically enough, Hinamori DID have more important things than candy to hide, but because of that, she never locked her door. People always knocked, because no one wanted to startle her and end up with Tobiume buried in their eye socket.

Yachiru didn't come in all at once. She slowly pushed the door open and stuck her head in, peeking around the door as if afraid of something. Hinamori noticed that she was wearing the black hair band today, which was speckled with pictures of tiny strawberries (Ichigo hated it).

"I did say you could come in," Hinamori reminded her with a small smile.

"But you didn't say you wanted me to," Yachiru pointed out reasonably.

"I want you to," Hinamori amended, patting a spot on the floor next to her.

Relaxing somewhat, Yachiru slipped in and closed the door... but she stayed there. "You're still mad."

"Yes," Hinamori admitted, frowning.

"At me?"

"No, of course not."

Yachiru instantly cartwheeled over to her, managing to stop in just the perfect place for her head to land lightly in Hinamori's lap. "He didn't mean to yell at you," Yachiru said quietly, staring up into Hinamori's face.

"It didn't seem that way at the time."

Yachiru paused, as if she didn't like what she was about to say next. And sure enough...

"I know you understand. Sometimes nothing is more important than your Captain."

Hinamori winced, but said nothing. It still hurt to be reminded of Aizen... not because she missed him, but because there was a time when she'd have welcomed him back, even after he'd tried to kill her. To recall that she had been that weak and foolish left a bad taste in her mouth.

Yachiru sighed. "Sorry. But Ichi-kun loved Ken-chan. Not the way I did, but that doesn't matter. Ken-chan is still important to us, and Ichi-kun doesn't want anyone to forget. So even though Ken-chan gave his name away, Ichi-kun doesn't want it, and he doesn't want anyone else to take it. It's all Ken-chan has now, see? So it's important."

"Then why didn't he just say that?" Hinamori asked after a moment.

"Because he was mad and hurt and doesn't know how to say so. You know how thick in the head boys are. Ken-chan never talked about his feelings, either. But what matters is that Ichi-kun wasn't really mad at you. He's really sorry, but he thought if he came here, you'd attack him or something. Silly, right?"

Hinamori blushed slightly and glanced at the bed. The doll currently laid to rest beneath it had a fresh coat of orange paint over its formerly blond head. "Yes. Silly, indeed."

"So you can be mad at him a little longer. But not too long, okay?"

"Okay," Hinamori agreed. "Thank you, Yachiru. You're a good friend."

"Yeah, yeah. Pay up."

Hinamori blinked. "Excuse me?"

Yachiru sat up and hit her with a patented Ichigo Scowl. "I'm a lieutenant, not a therapist. If I have to do both, I get extra."

"Oh, I see." Hinamori reached into her pocket and pulled out three gumballs.

Yachiru snatched all three, then paused and pushed one into Hinamori's mouth. "Don't tell anyone I shared candy with you. I have a reputation to think about."

* * *

"So... he kissed you?" Isane asked slowly, carefully straightening a stack of patient reports on Captain Unohana's desk.

Kiyone blushed and nodded, which was rather unlike her.

Isane did her best not to frown, but it was hard. Captain Hitsugaya did not strike her as the type to go around randomly kissing people. In fact, she'd always found him to generally be too busy with his duties to spare most people more than a few words. Sure, he was polite enough, but a social butterfly he was not (part of why Matsumoto had been a smart match as his former lieutenant; she'd completed him).

"You don't look happy for me," Kiyone finally noticed, deflating a bit.

"I'm not sure if this is something to be happy about," Isane replied. "There are too many unknowns. You barely know him at all, and he just kisses you. What does that mean? Was he just really relieved that you did all of his paperwork, or was he getting fresh with you? Is he going to do this all the time, or was it just a one-time thing?"

"You aren't even a little excited?" Kiyone grumbled, looking crushed.

"I'm sorry, Kiyone, really! But, well... you've never had much luck with guys. The last one tried to beat you, and if you didn't know how to box, he might've actually done it."

"So I won't pick up guys in bars anymore! But Captain Hitsugaya isn't like that!"

"True, but that doesn't mean he's the one for you, either. What if things go badly between you? You'll still have to see him every day. Maybe you should rethink this."

"But I like him!" Kiyone protested.

"Does he like you?"

"He likes me enough to kiss me!"

Isane sighed and shook her head. "Just promise me you'll be careful, Kiyone. I know you can look after yourself, but don't forget that he is much stronger than you, and he has a temper."

"He is also a gentleman, when the notion strikes him, and fiercely loyal to those he loves," Unohana said as she suddenly breezed into the office. "Any woman would be lucky to have him."

Kiyone beamed at her, but Isane's frown deepened. "Captain, I don't think-"

"You," Unohana said abruptly, "need a sticker." And with that, she placed a small, shiny smiley face on Isane's shoulder. "Much better."

Isane stared at her shoulder, and then at Unohana, who was smiling brightly at her. "Um, Captain...? Are you... feeling alright?"

"Perfect," was the reply Unohana offered. As an afterthought, she offered Kiyone a shiny kangaroo sticker, which was quickly accepted.

"Captain Unohana, maybe you should lie down for a moment," Isane suggested, putting enough emphasis in the statement that it could only be heard as an order.

Unohana stared at her and frowned. Then she put another smiley face on Isane's shoulder, and a third on her cheek.

Isane was very tempted to scream in frustration, but didn't. They were just stickers, and anyway, she could hardly yell at her own captain.

"Maybe she'd stop if you'd smile," Kiyone suggested. "Or if you said something halfway decent about Captain Hitsugaya."

"Well, he has you now," Isane stated, without thinking.

Kiyone's eyes became huge and watery. "Oh, nee-san!" she wailed, glomping onto Isane and bawling into her sister's arm.

Despite the fact that her robes were getting very wet, Isane was tempted to hug her sister, but the moment was ruined when Unohana stuck yet another sticker on her. "Why do you keep doing that?" Isane finally demanded... as respectfully as she possibly could.

"Well, I certainly won't anymore, if that's your attitude," Unohana replied with a frown. And before Isane could say another word, her captain had swept out of the room, no doubt searching for someone who could better appreciate her stickers. As it turned out, she didn't have far to go.

"Captain Abarai!" Isane heard Unohana exclaim from the hallway. "You seem like a sensible man who enjoys a good sticker."

"Eh? What the hell are you... HEY?!"

"Now, now, it's just a sticker..."

"It's not just a sticker! It's a damn bunny rabbit!"

"Rukia seems fond of them. You don't like bunny rabbits?"

"...HELL YES I DO! You can put the rest right here!"

"Oh my. That's quite an impressive... space you have there."

"Well, since it's you, I'm giving you my special permission to touch it all you need."

"I'm flattered."

Isane slammed the door at that point, her face bright red. "What is WRONG with people today?!"

"If I had to guess, I'd say she got some," Kiyone murmured absently, admiring her sticker. She'd placed it on her wrist.

"Got some what? Bad fruit?"

"No, sex."

There was a long pause.

"Kiyone, that's not funny!" Isane snapped.

"Who's laughing?" Kiyone countered. "Captain Unohana is nice AND pretty, so why couldn't she get some? Just because YOU are too much a of a prude, it doesn't-"

"My! Captain! Did! NOT! Have! SEX!" Isane shouted.

"Did you ask her?"

That question was so ridiculous that Isane didn't even dignify it with a response. And yet, when Unohana returned, disposing of a now empty sticker sheet, Isane found her lips moving.

"Kiyone thinks you had sex recently, Captain."

Unohana blinked, but did not smile. "Kiyone is very observant, then."

"What!" Isane cried in shock. "But... you... the... HOW!"

Unohana sighed in a way that was one part patience, and one part annoyance. Obviously, this was not the first time she'd gotten such a response. "When a man and a woman-"

"I KNOW THAT PART ALREADY!"

The door slid open again, and in an instant, Isane had shrunken back as the massive form of Captain Komamura towered over them. Curiously, Unohana did not seem bothered by this, which was odd, since he was standing directly behind her.

"I heard shouting, and thought you might be under attack, Retsu," Komamura said, his large hand resting on the hilt of his sword.

"I'm fine, Koma-kun," Unohana replied sweetly, beaming up at him.

Isane felt cold all over, and knew it had nothing to do with Komamura's slightly stifling spiritual pressure.

"I see." Komamura's hand moved away from his sword... and came to rest, rather possessively, all things considered, on Unohana's waist. Isane felt positively scandalized by that... until she noticed that Unohana's only reaction was to blush prettily. Then, Isane just felt sick.

"Well, you two must excuse me," Unohana said abruptly. "Koma-kun and I are late for our tea date."

"You could have tea right here," Isane noted bitterly.

"True," Unohana admitted uncomfortably.

"But not the sex that would come after the tea," Komamura pointed out. Almost proudly.

"Koma-kun!" Unohana gasped in outrage... but she soon trailed off into girlish giggling, so it was unlikely that she was upset at all.

"Well, I hope you're being responsible," Kiyone said, and Isane gaped at her. That was not the proper attitude to address Komamura, or any other shinigami known to possess a ruthless temper.

"Of course," Komamura replied calmly. "She has ten orgasms to my every one."

"...not even remotely close to what I meant, but that does sound rather nice," Kiyone sighed dreamily.

"Oh, it IS," Unohana assured her.

Isane cleared her throat, loudly. "And no one is bothered by any of this?!"

Kiyone shook her head and turned back to the two Captains. "I'm sorry about my sister. She hasn't been getting any-"

"KIYONE!" Isane shrieked. Even worse, she could tell that Komamura and Unohana were looking at her with actual pity. Well, Unohana was, and she assumed Komamura was, underneath his wooden bucket helmet.

"Oh, my poor Isane," Unohana sighed, reaching over to pat her hand gently. "I'm sure you'll find... someone."

"Don't say it like that!"

* * *

Karin did not consider herself a completely disagreeable girl.

She had just noticed a disturbing trend where people close to her would depart under mysterious circumstances, and she was sick of it. Naturally, she grew more suspicious toward strangers, especially those that moved in with little or no explanation (or just really flimsy explanations, anyway). To this day, Karin was still wary of Rukia, not because she'd stolen Yuzu's pajamas, but because Karin was convinced that Ichigo's prolonged disappearance was directly related to Rukia's leaving in the first place.

Still, Ichigo was practically grown, and he could do whatever he wanted. So long as he called home or sent a postcard every month, Karin couldn't really stay mad at him. Once she'd accepted that, Karin had quietly abandoned the plan to march into wherever her brother was holed up and drag him back home.

Anyway, Ichigo's being gone gave Karin more time to focus on protecting Yuzu. Despite the fact that Karin had never really wanted a twin (she didn't mind a sister, but a twin was a little much at times), she still found herself acting as if she and Yuzu were joined at the hip. There was just this strange connection between them, which Yuzu had insisted on calling their "twin vibe," but that Karin always knew was something else.

Karin could always tell when Yuzu was hurt or in trouble, even if they were miles apart. She'd tried to tell herself that it was nothing... except, Ichigo had always miraculously been there whenever Yuzu got picked on at school (and in the process got himself banned from a school he didn't even attend, for beating up students younger than him). Karin had never questioned it before; Ichigo was habitually late for anything not involving the bodily harm of his sisters, so it balanced out.

And even if Ichigo's rescues were a little too timely, Karin could hardly find fault with him. Because it was not the way that Ichigo would carry Yuzu home on his back that Karin remembered best. Nor was it the way that Ichigo would quietly allow Yuzu to fuss over even the tiniest bruises on him. No, it was the way Ichigo would always grin at Karin after she'd gotten roughed up defending Yuzu until he arrived, and call her his "scrappy little bulldog." She'd hated that... but Yuzu would always stop crying, giggle, and smile, so that was alright.

Also, it had taken Karin a while to stop biting, and that was because she got tired of Ichigo howling and leaving chicken bones on her bed.

Unfortunately, Karin's nose was nowhere near as good as a dog's, or she would've given Kurotsuchi Femu a good sniffing the moment the weird girl set foot in the house. Instead, she only had Yuzu's claim that Femu was perfectly nice to go on. That, and the weird feeling that Femu always gave her, like she'd eaten something that gave her a slight case of upset stomach.

Femu was nice, though... a little too nice. She was completely unfamiliar with typical household chores, but she was eager to learn, and Yuzu was more than willing to teach. Femu had also completely overlooked all of their father's character flaws, and insisted on greeting him with a hug and a kiss, which had immediately won Isshin over (he practically wet himself every time she called him "Papa-san").

All this meant that Karin was the only one even remotely suspicious of Femu. And even she had to grudgingly admit that Ichigo's absence was far less noticeable with another girl in the house.

Femu wisely wasn't trying to replace Ichigo, although she had a funny habit of apparently sleepwalking and waking up in his closet the next morning. Her excuse was that she just preferred sleeping in enclosed spaces... which was the perfect excuse for Yuzu to squeeze herself, Femu, and Karin into one bed, with Femu between them.

It was very awkward for a while, but Femu was not a fierce cuddler like Yuzu was, so Karin at least didn't have to worry about that. Although she wished Femu would snore, or just close her eyes when she slept. It was very strange to watch the older girl stare straight up, unblinking, like a robot. And sometimes when Karin just knew Femu was asleep, the older girl would suddenly turn to look at her, or brush a stray strand of hair out of Yuzu's face. "You should get some rest, Karin-chan," was all Femu would say, which bothered Karin like nothing else.

NOBODY called her Karin-chan, not even Yuzu, unless they were particularly annoyed at each other. And the only reason that Karin didn't give Femu the usual punishment for that offense (a swift kick in a tender place) was because Femu looked like she could take a hit, and give as good as she got. Of course, Femu was generally nice to everyone, but Karin had seen that hint of steel in her eyes whenever a stranger got near Yuzu. She often wondered what Femu would really do in a fight, but wasn't quite foolish enough to challenge her and find out.

* * *

"You and Kou-kun should go somewhere and bond," Orihime had said. "He likes you well enough, but I don't know if he loves you yet."

Amazingly, this was all it had taken to get Tatsuki (and Kouryou) out of the house for a day. If she were completely honest with herself, Tatsuki was gradually growing more fond of Orihime's son, because when he really tried, he made protecting Orihime from the big, bag world much easier. On the other hand, he was sometimes nearly twice as likely to get into trouble as Orihime herself, but Tatsuki had never had a boring day with either of them.

Kouryou had never really struck Tatsuki as a particularly loving child, though. He obviously loved Orihime, as well as her weird food combinations (and that took real love, since not even Tatsuki would go near most of them), but that was about it. How he felt about Tatsuki had never been a big concern: once he saw she was also determined to protect Orihime, he generally did whatever she asked. Tatsuki was also the only other person who could safely touch Kouryou without fear of death by butcher knife, less because he liked stabbing, and more because his reflexes bordered on those of a twelve star general hopped up on caffeine and sugar.

And though Kouryou still had yet to say a word, neither Orihime nor Tatsuki had any trouble understanding his gestures, expressions, or feelings... although Orihime had somehow learned sign language backwards, and tended to reverse the letters, so they'd stopped using that right away.

Kouryou was strangely fond of a nearby park, as well. Each time they visited, he would stand near a certain bench and just stare into the distance, his eyes clouding over until his name was called.

Tatsuki usually didn't bother to question what was going through Kouryou's mind, for the sake of her sanity, but such behavior always left her curious. It was also slightly worrisome: if anything bad should happen to Orihime's son, it would destroy her, worse than any rejection from Ichigo ever would.

However, Kouryou was incredibly resilient. Tatsuki had never seen him sick, or even hurt, for that matter. He reminded her a great deal of Chad, who, while he had gotten hurt, never really seemed to feel pain unless it was completely crippling. So Tatsuki couldn't really be blamed for taking her eyes off of Kouryou for a few minutes. After all, he was a tough little kid, so while he might cause trouble, he wouldn't get hurt. Anyway, how much trouble could he cause by just standing there and staring?

A few minutes later, Tatsuki got her answer, when an enormous column of blue light suddenly shot from the sky and slammed into the ground, with Kouryou at its center. Everything else in its path was reduced to little more than flying debris.

Of course, Tatsuki couldn't tell that from outside of the column. For all she knew, her young charge had just ceased to exist because of a freak disaster. So she couldn't really be blamed for reacting the way she did.

"KOU-KUN, NOOOOO!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, racing towards the destructive column of light (despite the fact that all evidence so far suggested that this was suicide).

Without warning, the light column vanished, revealing Kouryou standing there in the midst of a smoking crater, completely unharmed, and holding a sword that was easily twice as tall as Tatsuki. There was a blue, serpentine dragon winding around the blade, with its roaring head at the tip.

"Kou-kun safe, Mama Tatsuki," the boy said, smiling up at her.

Tatsuki stared at him, her mouth falling open in shock. "Kou-kun, you... you talked!"

"Kou-kun does that now." With a mere gesture, the sword was once again a butcher knife, and Kouryou tucked it back into his trusty leather belt. Then he reached up and grasped her hand. "Can we go home now?"

After a moment, Tatsuki closed her mouth. "Well, I-"

"Excuse me, ma'am," said a deep voice behind her. "Might we have a moment of your time?"

Tatsuki frowned as she turned to find a crowd of security guards glaring at her. "Um, no?" she murmured weakly.

"Destruction of public property. Lying to a security guard. Harboring a criminal. And worst of all, loitering on the grass. I am afraid we'll have to ask you to leave, ma'am."

"Oh. Well, okay-"

"And never return to this park. Ever."

"...but this is Kou-kun's favorite park!"

"Then he probably shouldn't have attacked it," the guard reasoned.

Tatsuki glanced at the boy, who shrugged slightly in response. "I'm sure he didn't mean to..."

"So he accidentally caused millions in damages-"

"Seiryou was ready to wake up. Kou-kun had to listen," the boy argued.

None of the guards was impressed with that excuse, so Tatsuki quickly dragged Kouryou away. Normally, she might've tried to fight them, just on principle, but thanks to Kouryou's new name for her, she was reminded that she was technically someone's mother, and mothers didn't get into fights with the law, if they could help it.

* * *

Roughly three hours after the incident in the park, an absolutely huge amount of Hollows appeared there, obviously in response to the equally huge amount of spiritual pressure still lingering there.

Roughly an hour after that, the 11th Division's top officers were dispatched to deal with the problem.

There was just one problem with this. These Hollows were especially hungry and aggressive that night. The harder the 11th Division fought, the more spiritual pressure they released. The more spiritual pressure there was, the more even hungrier, more powerful Hollows appeared on the scene.

And perhaps the worst part of the problem was that nearly all of the Hollows sensed and were reassured by the presence of one that was easily the strongest in the area... although they couldn't figure out why it was sharing a body with a shinigami.

But Ichigo didn't have time to worry about the confusion of the Hollows. He was far too distracted already.

Hinamori hadn't said a word to him all day, and it was bothering him far more than he'd ever imagined it would. She didn't seem mad at all, but the silent treatment was a tactic that completely blindsided Ichigo. Curiously, Yachiru had been quieter, too... although this only meant she took noticeable breaks in between her usual chattering.

Why Ichigo was thinking of this in the middle of a tough fight, he couldn't say. But it suddenly dawned on him that his Hollow was curiously quiet, too. Unfortunately, there was no time to consider that observation too much, because an abrupt, eerie ripping sound announced the arrival of an enemy Ichigo had never thought he'd see again.

"Menos Grande," Ichigo whispered calmly, tightening his grip on Zangetsu. "Good thing I'm in the mood for a rematch."

"I know you skipped Shinigami Academy," Hinamori said sternly, "but you really need to learn to count, Ichigo."

Ichigo was so startled she'd finally spoken to him that he completely missed the insult... and the implication, so he nearly got his brains kicked out by the second Menos Grande that emerged just behind the first. But Ichigo was not so rattled that he lost his head. "Yachiru! Hinamori!" he barked. "Bankai, now!"

Both girls froze in shock, sharing hesitant glances with each other. Theirs was the only Division where any officers were forbidden to release their Bankai without the Captain's permission. Some had thought it pointless, since Ichigo knew no more about restraint than Yachiru knew about sugarless candy. But Yachiru was just too powerful, and Hinamori, if the rumors were true, was now so deadly that she literally could not call off her Bankai without first killing something.

"Dammit, are you two deaf?!" Ichigo roared, slicing through a nearby Hollow with no difficulty.

That was all Yachiru needed to hear. Turning to Suteneko, who was staring up at her expectantly, the young lieutenant shouted, "Suteneko! Ultra Super Mega Hyper Neon Sugary Kitty, now!"

Suteneko sighed. "Why can't you just say 'Bankai' properly, like everyone else?" she groaned.

Yachiru pouted and shook her finger at her cat. "Bad kitty! Get big right now, or no treats when we get home!"

Rolling her eyes, Suteneko turned away and stretched out her tail, laying it in Yachiru's hand. "I could've stayed an alley cat," she grumbled.

In an explosion of pink light, a colossal, flaming cat appeared, leaping at the nearest Menos Grande with frightening speed and knocking it to the ground.

Seeing no more reason to hold back, Hinamori thrust her sword into the ground, all the way to the hilt, with a cry of "Bankai!" The earth beneath her feet cracked and split open, and Tobiume burst forth in the form of a giant scorpion, Hinamori perched safely on the base of the tail. With a flick of the tail, an enormous fireball flew from the stinger, slamming into the head of the second Menos Grande.

Ichigo was relieved, but not for the expected reasons. He had known that the girls could handle the two Menos Grande. He was also glad that he hadn't been forced to use his own Bankai, because while he was certain that it was different now (because of the deal with his Hollow), he was uncertain as to how it was different, and the middle of a fight was the worst time to find out.

What Ichigo had not accounted for was that he and the girls had been fighting for some time, while the two Menos Grande had only just entered the battle. So while not invulnerable to the two Bankai forms, the Menos Grande were putting up an admirable fight. And Ichigo was too busy picking off the numerous weaker (but still fairly strong by shinigami standards) Hollows that continued to appear in a near endless stream. So they were largely at a stalemate.

That is, until the tide of the battle turned again, and not in the favor of the shinigami. Well, not in the favor of the shinigami fighting for the Seireitei, at least.

Ichigo had just finished killing yet another Hollow when Yachiru suddenly yelled, "Bad Ichi-kun!"

Frowning, he immediately questioned his Hollow. "What did you do?"

Yachiru shook her head. "No, I meant Bad Ichi-kun, not Other Ichi-kun!"

It didn't take Ichigo long to get Yachiru's meaning: while she was especially fond of branding people with nicknames that included "Ichi," she only did so when the person actually had "Ichi" in their names. And since Yoruichi was "Ichi-sensei," and his Hollow was "Other Ichi-kun," there was only one Ichi left.

"Ichimaru," Ichigo hissed as Ichimaru Gin stepped out of the shadows, that same sinister smile plastered across his face. He'd even had the audacity to wear his captain's haori for easy recognition. It was almost like the man wanted to be attacked... and he got his wish rather quickly.

"So nice to see you all again," was the only thing Gin had time to say before Tobiume rushed him.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Hinamori screamed at the top of her lungs, instantly forgetting all about the Menos Grande she'd been attacking.

Gin's reaction was very troubling: he only smiled wider, easily dodging Tobiume's pincers and stinger... so easily, in fact, that it was obvious he was in no real danger, either despite Hinamori's fury or because of it.

"You're so hasty, Hinamori-chan," Gin chuckled, tilting his head to the left to avoid another thrust from Tobiume's pincers. "You should take the time to enjoy every battle properly. Or did Aizen-sama not teach you that particular lesson?"

There was a brief pause, and then Hinamori screamed in renewed rage as Tobiume attacked with even greater speed and ferocity.

And it made no difference, except it may have amused Gin even more.

"Oh, my poor little Hinamori-chan," he sighed, shaking his head. "I suppose I owe it to Aizen-sama to show his former subordinate how to properly wield the power of Bankai."

The moment he heard those words, Ichigo dismissed all other enemies from his mind and rushed to get to Hinamori. But Hollows seemed to be purposely blocking his path to her, and not for the first time, he wondered if Aizen and his henchmen could manipulate or control Hollows.

Meanwhile, Gin drew his sword, only to have it dissolve into what looked like black ashes. It was so similar to the way that Byakuya attacked that Ichigo instinctively knew what would happen next, and no matter how much he didn't want to see it, he could not turn away.

Gin's lips twisted into a wicked smile. "Pierce her soul, Kage Shinsou!"

Seven black blades shot out of nowhere and impaled their target. Cruelly, and mercilessly, not a single one of them managed to strike Tobiume, but that had never been their intent. The scorpion vanished instantly, its power source damaged to the point where Tobiume could no longer maintain her form in the real world.

Everyone involved in the battle seemed to pause and observe the sight of Hinamori, limply suspended between Gin's black blades, lifeblood dripping slowly into a spreading puddle at her feet.

Then all at once, the blades disappeared, dumping Hinamori roughly onto the ground. And then Gin was standing over her, his single black blade poised to strike the deathblow.

The thought of losing Hinamori, especially this way, was completely unacceptable to Ichigo. But he simply could not reach her in time, not with this much opposition. So he did the only thing he could: he said the one word he told himself he'd never have to say.

"OGICHI!" he yelled. "SAVE HER!"

An eerie, echoing heartbeat pulsed in Ichigo's left ear, and then his Hollow shrieked in both madness and rapture as it was set free, if only briefly. The Hollow mask tore from the side of Ichigo's head and rocketed towards Hinamori, rapidly growing in size, speed, and power as it flew. By the time it landed in front of Hinamori, it was a simple matter to shield her from Gin's sword.

Gin frowned slightly, but was not discouraged. "A good trick, Kurosaki, but she will die." Kage Shinsou's tip slammed repeatedly into the enlarged Hollow mask like a jackhammer, hitting with more force each time. Noticeable cracks began to form in the Hollow mask, and it was clear that the shield was only temporary at best.

Yachiru, who had just barely been managing to hold off both Menos Grande by herself, chose that time to make a bold move. She sheathed Suteneko, turned to the other members of the 11th Division, and ordered, "RETREAT! Grab anybody that's hurt and return to the Seireitei! Ichi-kun will take care of everything!"

Aramaki was one of many who hesitated. "But, Lieutenant! We can't just leave Captain Kurosaki here!"

"You dummy!" she shouted, leaping up and bonking him on the head with her sheathed sword. "Ichi-kun will keep holding back as long as we're here, so we don't get hurt! He was to do this alone! So everyone get lost, or I'll make you buy my candy supply for a year!"

This was undoubtedly one of the greatest threats a shinigami could get. It was well known that even Yachiru's weekly candy purchases could only either be afforded by a noble clan, or someone with just enough spiritual pressure to scare someone else into paying (the latter had worked well for both Zaraki and Ichigo). So it was no surprise that the men grabbed their wounded comrades and cleared out of the park at once.

Yachiru carefully scooped up Hinamori, and was about to run when Gin blocked her path.

"I don't have orders to kill you," Gin admitted with a smile, "but I'm sure it won't be a problem, if it means Hinamori-chan dies with you."

As fast as Yachiru was, she could not risk trying to run just then, not when she also had to carry a mortally wounded Hinamori at the same time. Gin would easily be faster under even normal circumstances, so there was no chance of escape.

"Farewell," Gin murmured as he stepped forward.

In one instant, Gin's sword was headed straight for Hinamori's neck.

In the next, two crossed katanas blocked its path. One was darker than the night itself with a chain hanging from the hilt, and the other was a white so bright that it was hard to look at for very long. Ichigo held the black sword, dressed in a somewhat more defined version of Zangetsu's coat. Ogichi held the white blade, and wore Ichigo's white haori.

Gin seemed only marginally surprised to suddenly find two contrasting versions of Ichigo standing before him, but only showed it by slightly opening his eyes. "Someone has been training, I see. But it'll take more than a poor makeup job to be rid of me."

Ichigo didn't even need to look to know that his Hollow's face was twitching in barely suppressed rage. He was glad to know that fury was directed at someone he didn't like, for a change. But there was no telling how long that would last, considering Gin's penchant for teasing his victims to the brink of insanity. There was only so much common ground between Ichigo and Ogichi, but Ichigo had been forced to recognize it quickly, as it was his only hope of keeping his Hollow under some kind of control.

"Hey, Marshmallow Face! You just gonna stand there and let this chump kill Hinamori?"

If nothing else, Ogichi was a very proud Hollow. Ichigo was the only one that could get away with insulting him, and only then because killing Ichigo would hurt both of them. So the only thing Ogichi could do when Ichigo talked trash about him was take it out on someone else.

Surprisingly, Ogichi didn't attack in his usual style, which was to cut everything in sight until it ceased to be interesting. Instead, he merely walked towards Gin, the violent black spirals of the Kuroi Getsuga blazing into existence around his body without the white sword ever being lifted. Gin's only option was to back off, or else he'd have been shredded to pulp.

"You'd better take care of the rest, partner," Ogichi said, coming to an abrupt stop just beyond Yachiru and Hinamori. "I've got something more important to do."

Ichigo shot him a dark look. "What?"

Ogichi looked over his shoulder. "You told me to save Hinamori, and that's what I'm going to do. You led everyone into this mess, so you clean it up."

"Fine. Have fun convincing everyone in Soul Society not to exorcise you."

"As if they even could," Ogichi snorted as he took Hinamori from Yachiru. He then gave the smaller girl a wary look. "You coming or staying, Pinky?"

"My place is always with Ichi-kun," Yachiru replied with a bright smile. "But if you don't take good care of Momo-chan, I'm going to hunt you down and put sparkly lip gloss on you every single day for a decade! I think Tequila Sunrise is your best shade... or maybe Neon Burgundy!"

Ogichi shot her a withering glare before the Kuroi Getsuga materialized around him again, this time ripping open a wormhole directly to Soul Society at his feet. He and Hinamori dropped out of sight, the portal shutting behind them with a loud snap.

The moment he saw Hinamori was safe, Ichigo switched his grip from the hilt of his katana to the chain on the end. Taking a deep breath, he began to swing the sword over his head, slowly at first, but gradually increasing speed until it was little more than a black blur.

For everyone in a ten mile radius, the world shook.

In all his time as a shinigami, Ichigo had never managed to gain anything beyond slight control over his enormous spiritual pressure. But what he had learned how to do was to release even that, so that his spiritual pressure blanketed (or more accurately, smothered) everything and everyone around him. It was something Zangetsu and Ogichi had never approved of, partially because it was a very easy and pathetic way to win, but mostly because it took all of Ichigo's strength to stop the flow afterwards, leaving him totally vulnerable afterwards.

Of course, this was assuming that whatever Ichigo was fighting at the time even survived the crushing force of his unrestricted spiritual pressure, and very little truly could without at least major damage.

So it was therefore quite a feat that the two Menos Grande, Gin, and several Hollows remained, although none of them were in any condition to do more than deliver a final attack and then flee.

Unfortunately for Ichigo, any attack would've done him in at that moment, as evidenced by the way he immediately hit the dirt facedown, and not even Yachiru jumping up and down on his head could rouse him.

Yachiru had a reputation for being many things in Soul Society: pest, general/specific nuisance, and annoyer of all things even remotely annoyable. She was not, however, a coward, and was very proud of the fact that she'd never left a man behind without excellent reason. To date, the only suitable reason had been voluntary abandonment at the officer's request. And since Ichigo's mouth was full of dirt, not to mention he was out cold, he couldn't exactly ask her to leave.

So Yachiru didn't. Knowing that she'd already used up the lion's share of Suteneko's power, Yachiru disobeyed the very first rule of properly handling a new zanpakuto.

She drew an untested sword in battle.

The usual rules did not apply, however. If there was any zanpakuto in Soul Society that had seen more battles than General Yamamoto's, it had to be Zaraki's sword. It was only untested in the sense that Yachiru had never used it in battle, and even then she'd watched Zaraki enough where she felt perfectly sure that his sword would accept her, eventually (she had forgotten that the sword hadn't even accepted Zaraki himself).

Strangely, Yachiru was not blown to bits, as so many rumors in the Shinigami Academy claimed one would with another's sword. Instead, she got nothing: the sword did not fly out of her hand, but she could feel nothing from it, which had always been Zaraki's complaint. But where Zaraki might have just been completely overwhelming the sword's voice with his spiritual pressure, Yachiru, who had far more control over (or at least far more willingness to control) her own powers, realized that the sword was simply refusing to communicate with her.

But this was not something Yachiru cared to find out with Gin pointing a sword straight at her.

Again, Yachiru was not a coward, and so she took a step forward, fully intending to do the best she could with sheer determination, and whatever help, if any, Zaraki's sword provided her with.

If she had been allowed to do that, Yachiru would've been very dead.

Instead, Yachiru was tossed aside as the world exploded before her eyes, bathing her and Gin in a column of blue light. The last thing Yachiru heard before blacking out was the thunderous roar of some unknown creature overhead.

* * *

Yukinko was very carefully eating her daily gelatin cup. Technically, she shouldn't have had it at all, but several of the male nurses thought she was cute, so it was usually just a small matter of batting her eyelashes or "forgetting" to button certain blouses all the way. Were she not terminally ill, Yukinko probably would've considered such behavior unbecoming at the very least. But as she was expected to die any day now, she figured using mild flirting to get gelatin was allowed.

She was eating it carefully because eating gelatin with a stuffed lion tucked under one arm is indeed rather awkward. But Yukinko could not bring herself to put Kon down, except when she showered, and even then he was placed along the towel rack with an assortment of feminine products. Uryu would no doubt be impressed with how attached she had become to his latest gift.

(Actually, Uryu did his best not to imagine how Yukinko and Kon were getting along, as he had found that imagining Yukinko doing anything other than being violently sick only served to excite him in ways that only Orihime had before, which of course made him uncomfortable, both emotionally and physically, especially in his pants.)

"This is exceptionally good gelatin, Kon-chan," Yukinko commented, licking her lips (and unknowingly causing Kon to shudder slightly). "I'll have to remember to thank that nice nurse later on."

At that point, there was a decidedly friendly knock on the door.

Yukinko grinned and tossed her empty gelatin cup into a nearby trash can. "Come in!"

The door opened, and in walked one of her absolute favorite visitors.

"Greetings, Yuki-chan," said the smiling, white-haired man as he crossed the room and leaned down to give her an affectionate peck on the forehead.

"Hello again, Shiro-san," she replied, beaming up at him. There was a shocked gasp, and Yukinko peered around him to see a dark-haired girl about her age at the door, with a scandalized look on her face. "Oh, you brought a friend!"

"Yes, I did. This is one of my employees. Come in, Rukia," the man said, gesturing to his companion.

Hesitantly, Rukia entered the room, bowing stiffly to Yukinko.

Yukinko eyed her curiously. "Is there something wrong?"

"No, Yukinko-sama," Rukia said at once, wincing as the man gave her a sharp look. "I mean, Yukinko-san!"

"Um, okay," Yukinko answered.

The man shook his head and turned back to Yukinko. "I come bearing gifts, as usual, my dear."

"Actually, I'd love it if you could get me some ice to chew on first, Shiro-san," Yukinko murmured sweetly.

"At once, Yuki-chan." The man gave Rukia another look before hurrying out of the room.

"He's not really your employer, is he?" Yukinko asked at once.

"No. He's more like my boss," Rukia replied slowly.

"Oh. Well, that explains it. You must not be used to people being so informal with him."

"No. He is a highly respected man."

"He's also a little nutty," Yukinko giggled.

Rukia gaped at her. "Take that back!" she cried in outrage.

"Well, he is! You know what he told me when I first met him? He said I was the reincarnation of his dead older sister. Weird, huh?"

Rukia pressed her lips together hard, as if she was trying to keep herself from shouting that it wasn't weird at all. It was just really, really true. So true that it almost had to be nuts, so Yukinko wasn't really far from wrong.

"And ever since, he's been so very nice to me. I kinda feel sorry for him. I mean, he's really sweet and all, and I enjoy his company, but he must be lonely. You should try to make sure he gets out more. I'm not going to be here forever, you know. He has to find someone else he can be friends with. Otherwise, he might take it hard when I do die."

Before Rukia could reply, the man returned with a cup filled with ice.

"Oh, thank you so much!" Yukinko gushed as she began munching on the ice.

"Forgive me, but how long have you been here, Yukinko-san?" Rukia asked.

"Hmm. It must be six or seven years now."

"And how long do patients usually stay here, on average?"

Yukinko's smile dimmed somewhat. "The official policy only allows them to stay for six months maximum."

"This doesn't strike you as odd? That they've been telling you you're going to die for seven years, when you should've passed on in the first six months?"

"Well, I'm obviously ill, and I don't think I'd be in a hospice if I had any chance of improving. So even if I'm not going to die tomorrow, or even this year, I still required special care. Unless you think it's normal to constantly cough up blood?"

"Actually," Rukia began, just before the man elbowed her sharply. "OW! Captain Ukitake, that-OW! Would you stop doing that?!"

"You are not being a very dependable lieutenant at the moment, Rukia," Ukitake informed her. "I didn't swear you to secrecy just so you could tell her everything."

"You're not going to fire her, are you?" Yukinko asked worriedly.

"No, I'll probably just forbid her from letting her girlfriend sleep over."

"CAPTAIN!" Rukia screeched, her face bright red.

"See? Not so nice when someone blabs your own personal truths, is it?"

"Fine! You want some truth?!" Rukia snapped, glaring at him. She turned back towards the bed and said loudly, "I'm not wearing any underwear!"

This was completely false, naturally.

Although no one would ever know it, from the way Kon tore himself out of Yukinko's arms and flung himself at Rukia's legs. Had she not moved, Kon would've landed in perfect position to peer up her dress. Instead, Rukia kicked him in the face and proceeded to stomp on his head.

Yukinko took this rather well: she blinked and slowly turned to Ukitake, who was having a hard time keeping his composure. "So... does this mean you really are my little brother?"

"The youngest of fourteen little brothers," he replied proudly. "And I must say it was lucky you were born first, or our father might've given up hope for a girl around son number eight and stopped trying. Then I wouldn't be here."

"But since you are, can I please have my Kon-chan back? Even if he is a perverted little thing, he's still mine."

"Very well," Ukitake sighed. "Rukia. Enough."

Rukia scowled and punted Kon over to Ukitake, who dusted the stuffed lion off on his coat before handing it back to Yukinko.

"So what was I like? You know, before?" Yukinko asked.

"A woman of infinite kindness and, at the same time, one whose skill with a sword went unmatched for decades. You were the first Ukitake to become a Gotei 13 Captain, and none of us has since quite reached the level of fame that you did."

"Wait a minute!" Rukia cried. "You don't mean she's the legendary Captain Ukitake of the 4th Division, do you? She's the White Waterfall? Impossible! She never died!"

"That Soul Society knew of," Ukitake corrected. "After she walked away from the Gotei 13, we completely lost track of her. Anything could've happened to her after that point, including death."

"How about a splitting headache?" Yukinko murmured, wincing. "I don't feel good..."

Ukitake immediately inspected her forehead. "This is bad. Another of your powers was sensing incredibly high spiritual pressure, just before major battles. If you're picking up on something now, then-"

"It's Ichigo!" Rukia and Kon shouted. Kon immediately tried to pretend he didn't care, but he kept shooting Rukia anxious looks, as if wondering why she wasn't running to help their favorite knucklehead.

"Captain, I-" Rukia began.

"I'll be right behind you," Ukitake assured her.

Rukia nodded and performed a spectacular headfirst leap out of the open window, which almost certainly shortened Yukinko's life just from watching it.

"I'll return after things have settled down, Yuki-chan," Ukitake promised, patting her head affectionately.

"Be safe, little brother," she murmured. "I don't want either of us to die before I see you again."

He nodded and turned to exit through the window as well.

"Wait! What's my name? My real... uh, old name?"

Ukitake smiled. "Oh, that. It's-"

* * *

"BIG BOOBIES!"

Orihime sighed as a child-sized weight thumped into her side and latched on with a surprisingly strong grip. She reached down to pat the pink head she knew she'd find there. "It's nice to see you again, Yachiru, but I'm sure I've asked you never to call me that. Several times, in fact."

"Oh, right!" Yachiru giggled. "I forgot! Sorry, Ori-onee. But where's Ichi-kun?"

"Sleeping in my room," Orihime replied, frowning as she went back to carefully soaking fresh bandages in antiseptic. Normally, she would've immediately used her Shun Shun Rikka to heal Ichigo, but it simply wasn't possible now. She'd used their power far too much in rescuing Ichigo and Yachiru, even with Kouryou's help. Ichigo would just have to heal the old-fashioned way until her fairies had recovered.

"Your room?" Yachiru asked, clearly confused. "We're at your house? But we were in the park..."

"Kou-kun and I saved you two," Orihime explained. "Um, Tatsuki helped. But she's not talking to me right now, since I needlessly put myself in danger, or something."

Yachiru blinked slowly.

"My son is making sweets in the kitchen," Orihime offered, knowing Yachiru would only pick up on one word.

"Sweets, sweets, sweets!" Yachiru chanted as she ran into the kitchen, only to find Kouryou standing on a stool and leaning over the counter, slathering large amounts of chocolate frosting on cupcakes. He spared her a brief glance, then went back to work.

There was really nothing to note about the boy, and Yachiru was about to ignore him entirely in favor of the cupcakes.

But then he straightened up, pulled out a butcher knife, laid it lazily across his shoulders, and began tapping it absently in a manner so familiar that it made Yachiru's heart skip a beat.

"Ken-chan?" she whispered softly.

Kouryou frowned at her. "Kou-kun," he said slowly, thinking she might be on the same learning curve as his mother sometimes was.

Yachiru's face fell. "Oh..."

The disappearance of her smile made Kouryou uncomfortable, for no reason that he could explain. He had no special fondness for girls, although he had noticed that his mothers were girls as well. He didn't even know Yachiru, beyond a few pictures that Orihime kept on her nightstand. Although now that he thought about it, it had been quite satisfying to save her from the white-haired man with the creepy smile, and he had refused Tatsuki's offer to carry Yachiru for him without a second thought. Something about carrying Yachiru on his back had just felt... familiar, and he hadn't wanted to lose it too soon. Then there was the way her own sword seemed to pulse and shine in time with his own.

"Want to lick the spoon?" he finally asked, shifting slightly to make room for her on the stool.

There was a blur of pink, and then Yachiru was beside him, happily licking the chocolate covered spoon. Her eyes went wide, and she gave him a meaningful look. "When you grow up, I'm going to marry you, and you'll make chocolate for me every single day."

Kouryou knew nothing of marriage, as it had never come up in conversation with his mothers. Despite that, he knew a compliment when he heard one, and cooking for Yachiru, even every day, sounded like a good deal to him. If nothing else, it meant he'd always have a friend around. Still, even a very young man had to cling to his principles. "Only if I can make lemonade sometimes, too."

Yachiru had to forcibly restrain herself to keep from smothering him with kisses.

* * *

Hinamori woke up to two unpleasant sensations: crippling pain, and the feeling that someone was leering at her. Neither of these lessened as she gradually became aware of her surroundings. She was lying in one of the beds in the 4th Division, so that was something, at least.

"Don't thank me for saving you or anything," said a voice near her head. "I only dragged your cute little ass back here, despite how much shit I had to put up with to do it."

She blinked. That had sounded like Ichigo, only far more scowly. Downright pissed, actually, which Ichigo rarely ever actually was without good reason. Also, he didn't curse when a girl was present: he'd been around young girls for far too much of his life to fall out of the practice.

"You're the Hollow," Hinamori decided, just before Ogichi stepped into view, wearing Ichigo's captain's haori. "Where's Ichigo?"

"Probably still getting his ass kicked in the human world," Ogichi sniffed. "I wouldn't worry, he has the pinkhead with him."

"I should be with them," Hinamori murmured, lowering her head as tears gathered in the corners of her eyes.

"Uh, no. The pinkhead practically ordered me to bring you back here. And what the hell were you thinking, trying to take on a former captain by yourself? You ever do that again, and I'll kill you myself."

Hinamori stared at him in surprise. He actually sounded... upset. "You don't want me to die?"

"Why the hell would I want you dead?" Ogichi snapped. "That would kill Ichigo, and just make it harder for me to continue existing. Besides, I-"

"What? Like me?" she asked in disbelief.

"If by 'like' you mean 'wouldn't mind fu-'"

"Never mind," Hinamori sighed, making a face.

Frowning, Ogichi stepped forward and seized her chin, forcing her to look him in the eyes. "Bottom line? You're important to him, so you're important to me. Aside from that, you're one of the few women I can tolerate seeing alive. So don't make me change my mind."

"...you DO like me!" Hinamori cried in shock. "But... it's supposed to be Ichigo!"

"Doesn't matter if he does or doesn't, sweet cheeks. He'll never actually do anything about it. Which is the main difference between he and I. Lucky you."

There were a million reasons that Hinamori should've been disgusted. Yet she could only seem to find reasons that didn't seem so bad. He had saved her and brought her back to the Seireitei, at great and obvious risk to his continued existence. He was technically part of Ichigo, which was better than some random guy she had no attachment to. Anyway, it would probably be so horrible that Hinamori would lose all desire to ever have sex again... which might be a good thing, if she could never have Ichigo himself. And, if nothing else, this might be the perfect way to gain some control over the Hollow, which she was supposed to be doing, anyway.

"I'm seriously wounded, though," Hinamori commented. "I'll probably bleed on you."

He shrugged. "You say that like it's a bad thing."

* * *

Ichigo was not accustomed to waking up in other people's beds. It just hadn't happened much, especially since that disturbing incident where he'd woken up in Tessai's arms. That was just... ugh.

This time, he was facedown in a pillow that smelled like someone else. A woman, from the scent, who used little or no perfume, but a soap that smelled suspiciously like caramel-covered beets.

"Orihime," he said at once.

"Yes, Ichigo?" came the immediate reply from somewhere to his left.

"Please tell me you have some clothes on."

"Not really..."

Ichigo peeked. Not because he wanted to look, but because Orihime's logic didn't always match up with his. And sure enough...

"Orihime, you ARE wearing some clothes."

"But it's less like clothes and more like a nightshirt."

"...which still counts as some clothes."

"Really? I didn't think so..."

His brain was starting to hurt, and they'd barely been talking for a minute. He needed to focus on something else before his head exploded. "Is that a purple dragon on your supposed non-clothing?"

"You like it?" she asked excitedly, spreading out her shirt and flattening it over her chest.

Ichigo closed his eyes. Tightly. And wished for super glue. Or that Orihime would stop unknowingly molding the flimsy nightshirt to her shapely body within the next few seconds. She wasn't doing it on purpose, of course, but Ichigo had just gotten out of a battle to the death, so it was completely unreasonable to torment him that way.

"Kou-kun really likes them," Orihime was saying. "He's got dragons all over his room."

"Why are we in the same bed?" Ichigo finally asked.

There was a pause.

"Well. You're hurt. I couldn't just leave you. It wouldn't be right, and... and..."

"And?"

"And I really didn't want to put you anywhere else."

Ichigo didn't know what to say to that. So he carefully sat up and looked at her.

Orihime seemed small and vulnerable in the dark, like a lost little girl... or maybe that was just the overall effect of the childish nightshirt.

"I should go," he said after a few tense minutes of silence.

"Please don't," Orihime whispered, lowering her head. "You're still hurt, and I haven't seen Yachiru in ages, and Tatsuki will beat you up if she sees you walking around already, and, and, we can order out and you can tell me how you've been, and I promise I won't cook!"

Ichigo frowned. "Orihime..."

"Don't make me beg, Ichigo. If you ever felt anything for me, please don't make me beg you to stay..."

There was a tiny voice in Ichigo's head that sounded suspiciously like Yachiru, or perhaps Yuzu, and it was insisting that he should do something incredibly foolish and romantic, like kiss Orihime to make her stop feeling so pathetic. But another voice, which unfortunately sounded a great deal like Uryu, countered that Orihime would not welcome such an advance, and that it would in fact destroy the semblance of a friendship they did still have.

Ichigo was not without some common sense. He understood now that women worked on a large series of complicated, hidden signals, and that as a man, he might be familiar with maybe two of them (according to Rukia's last count, anyway). At any rate, he knew for certain that leaving would be a bad move. Logic demanded that he do something to make Orihime feel better, but kissing still seemed a bit much. He could not, in fact, ever recall touching Orihime beyond taking her hand to help her up off of the floor. This suddenly seemed like a huge oversight, and with no further thought, Ichigo leaned forward and carefully gave Orihime a hug.

As far as hugs went, it was not one of his better ones. It was awkward and downright uncomfortable. It was nearly as bad as trying to hug Karin while sharp objects were handy. But Orihime stopped making that little sniffling noise that tugged at his heart, so he held on until she gently pushed him away a few minutes later.

"Thank you," she said quietly.

"Don't do that," he grumbled. "If anything, I should be thanking you for saving me. In fact, I will. So if you ever need anything, I-"

"Anything?" Orihime interrupted softly.

Ichigo stared at her, wondering why he suddenly felt very uneasy. "Well, anything within reason, that's in my power to give, I promise I'll do it." He felt fairly sure that she'd want something silly, like a dog that only barked on Sundays, or a bag of gummy aardvarks.

"There is one thing I've wanted for a while," Orihime admitted, "but I'm afraid you'll say no. And it is a little unreasonable..."

"Come on, Orihime. I mean, it's you. It can't be that unreasonable."

Her face fell. "I hope you still feel that way after I tell you. I can't even say it out loud..."

"So why don't you whisper it in my ear?" Ichigo suggested.

Orihime nodded and crawled over to him, cupping her hands around his ear. She told him exactly what she wanted, and even repeated it twice so there could be no mistaking what she was asking for.

Even after she was done, Ichigo didn't move. He couldn't believe that Orihime, of all people, would ask something like that of him. While it wasn't completely unreasonable, it was still intensely intimate, and life altering for both of them.

Aside from that, Tatsuki would murder him in his sleep.

But when he looked into Orihime's eyes, he couldn't say no, no matter how bad an idea it was to give in. In her eyes, he could see years of pain that he had unknowingly caused, simply by being unknowing. And he could do nothing else to hurt a friend so kind and pure.

But for the life of him, he could not even begin to imagine why Orihime would want to bear his child, or what she would do with it afterwards.

* * *

"Oh, Captain, please, not so hard!"

"I'm sorry, Kiyone, but I have to be rough with you. I can't afford to have my lieutenant unprepared. Now, widen your stance, and please, stop flinching."

"I can't help it, Captain Hitsugaya! You're so powerful..."

"AH HA!" Rangiku shrieked triumphantly as she burst into the private courtyard...

...only to find Hitsugaya and Kiyone staring at her dumbly, their swords still crossed.

"I can't believe you two! You've been together almost a week now, and no action! It's unhealthy is what it is! You need to work off that sexual tension!"

Hitsugaya opened his mouth to say that there never had been any, but he'd been down this road with Rangiku before, and knew that denying it would result in a twenty minute lecture on why he was wrong. So instead, he said, "We are. Now leave so we can finish, please."

"I'm afraid you can't order me around anymore, my dear, sweet Shiro-sama," Rangiku said with a wide grin.

"You are NEVER to call me that again," Hitsugaya growled.

"Oh, I think I have to. It's my new pet name for you! Feel free to use it as well, Kiyone!"

Kiyone looked torn for exactly three seconds, before Hitsugaya glared at her. "That would be inappropriate, Captain Matsumoto."

"No wonder you two haven't done anything, if you're this boring," Rangiku sighed, shaking her head. "It's too bad Rukia's gone, she's always fun to tease..."

"Tell me you are not going around looking for people to tease!" Hitsugaya demanded. "You should be working!"

"I'll work if you'll hold Kiyone's hand for ten seconds. And I might even consider not calling you Shiro-sama all of the time."

Hitsugaya turned bright red. He hadn't really been thinking when he'd kissed Kiyone, and since then he'd barely touched her. So why did the very thought of holding her hand make him break out in a cold sweat?

"Oh, you poor things," Rangiku groaned, drawing them both into a group hug. "I'll see that you get together, even if I have to lock you in a cell with Renji to make you see how lucky you are. Five minutes with him these days and you'll hook up just so you'll have someone to plug your ears for you."

"Is he still going on about losing Rukia to Nemu?" Kiyone asked.

"No, now he won't shut up about those damn bunny stickers he got from Captain Unohana. He's still hoping to impress Rukia, I think. Of course, it might be more effective if Rukia was even here in the first place. She and Captain Ukitake are still in the human world. Ichi-kun and the others are, too. I wonder if Ichi-kun and Rukia set it up that way on purpose, just so they could have a little forbidden tryst between missions?"

"They could just be doing their jobs," Hitsugaya snapped, "unlike some people I could name!"

"Oh, you shouldn't be so mean, Shiro-sama!" Rangiku whined, ruffling his hair affectionately. "Kiyone's new, she can't help it."

"HEY!" Kiyone cried.

* * *

Ichigo was a virgin, largely by choice. He'd just never had much time for girls back when he was all human, other than Tatsuki and Rukia. And they were so much like boys that they didn't really count in his mind. Back then, Orihime had just been Tatsuki's odd friend.

If anyone had told Ichigo then that she would be his first, depending on his mood, he would've either snorted or given a short nod of approval. Orihime wasn't ugly (far from it), and most of the boys he could think of would've been insanely jealous. But he had no real connection with her, and couldn't really see himself just approaching her, or anyone else, for sex.

Of course, now that he was sitting in Orihime's bedroom, waiting for her to return from tucking in Kouryou and Yachiru, he felt very silly.

SHE had approached HIM for sex. Well, really she just wanted the RESULTS from sex. In fact, Orihime had never mentioned sex at all in her strange request. She'd only expressed interest in having his child. A small part of his brain sincerely hoped that she could be talked into doing this by artificial means.

Ichigo happened to know of a sperm bank only an hour or so away from his house, as his father had taken him there once to teach him "how men were made." Ichigo had been massively, mentally scarred, and when Karin found out, she took Isshin's car keys, and for three whole months, demanded to know where he was going on a daily basis before she would give them up.

If only Karin were around to protect him now. But he didn't want Orihime beat up, so maybe Yuzu would be better. Although Yuzu was likely to turn bright red if sex was even implied, much less mentioned outright. Uryu would be perfect for killing the mood, but Ichigo suspected that would only give the Quincy another reason to hate him.

Orihime returned far before he was ready, and Ichigo could only stare at her as she crossed the room and sat beside him on the end of the bed.

"So there's this place on the other side of town," Ichigo blurted out.

"I'd rather do this here," Orihime murmured.

Ichigo's eyes widened. "Have you, um... ever done this before?"

"No. But I'm certain I don't want to do it anywhere else."

"But, if you've never done it, how do you-"

"Ichigo," Orihime said softly, staring at the floor. "I know... I'm probably not the person you imagined being your first. I know you don't like me the same way I like you. But you promised, and you always keep your word. I've always admired that about you."

Ichigo winced slightly. Clearly, he wasn't going to get out of this. "I'm sorry, Orihime. It's just... this is really unexpected, and I don't know what to do."

"You should probably be undressed first," she suggested... and then, without waiting for a reply, Orihime reached over to help him.

He wanted to stop her, but she was being so gentle, careful to avoid upsetting his wounds, that he just sat there and let her do what she wanted. "You, uh... have to get undressed, too..." he felt the need to point out.

Orihime smiled shyly up at him. "I know... you'll just have to be patient."

"What? NO! I didn't mean...! Uh..."

"It's okay, whatever you meant," she assured him.

Once Ichigo was naked, he blushed and did his best not to look at Orihime, who immediately began taking off her own clothes. But something seemed to be wrong with his neck, because it kept trying to turn his head back towards her, and when it finally succeeded, he got his first look at a naked Orihime.

At this point, his brain officially declared it would have nothing more to do with him, if he'd done his best to avoid such a gorgeous creature for no good reason at all. Then Lil' Ichi pointed out to the brain that abandoning them now would mean it would miss out on whatever Orihime had in store for them, and Ichigo's brain predictably forgot its permanent vacation plans, not to mention everything else.

Ichigo must have been gaping, because Orihime blushed and shuffled her feet nervously as she gently took his hand and guided him to lie down on the bed with her, where they stared at each other for several moments.

"Are you sure about this, Orihime?" Ichigo finally asked. "You're not really doing anything..."

"Sorry. I'm, um, memorizing," Orihime admitted, clearly embarrassed.

"Memorizing what?"

"Everything."

Before Ichigo had a chance to really give that answer some thought, Orihime leaned forward and kissed him. This didn't completely surprise him: he had never thought that Orihime would just tear off his clothes and mount him. On the other hand, Ichigo had assumed that this was a one-time deal, and that romance would not have much of a role. But the kiss Orihime gave him was definitely romantic, or at least passionate.

Oddly enough, the kiss did nothing to inspire any additional feelings in Ichigo towards Orihime specifically. All it did was remind him how nice kissing was, and that he could do a lot more, if he stopped fighting it.

By that time, Orihime had traveled downward, and was nuzzling at Ichigo's neck when he firmly but gently seized her hair and made her look at him. "This is more than just you liking me, isn't it?" he asked.

The look on Orihime's face told him everything. "Does it matter?" she whispered, unable to meet his eyes for very long.

"So you don't want a child," Ichigo stated. "You want me."

"You're wrong!" Orihime cried at once. "I do want a child, your child! It's the only way I'll ever be able to let you go..."

He frowned. "So you don't want me?"

She smiled at him sadly. "I realized a long time ago that you would never be mine, Ichigo. So I won't be foolish enough to expect that from you. But if I can just have this one night with you, and then your child, it'll be enough."

"Wait. You're asking me to knock you up and just walk away?"

"No. But that's what you're going to end up doing. I can tell that you like your life the way it is now, and I won't interfere with your happiness. I just want a little happiness for me, too. Is that so wrong?"

"This isn't right, Orihime," Ichigo said, shaking his head. "I can't just leave you with a baby. How would you take care of it?"

"Tatsuki and Kou-kun would help me," Orihime replied. "And I know Yachiru would love to baby-sit for me. It won't be a burden, Ichigo. I could never think that of a gift from you."

He could only stare at her. "Damn, Orihime. How much do you love me, anyway?"

"Just enough," she whispered, leaning in for a second kiss. "Just enough."

This time, Ichigo leaned forward to meet her.

* * *

Rukia could only gape at the destruction surrounding her for several minutes. When she finally spoke, there was only one thing to say. "What in the world happened here?!"

"You have to ask that, knowing Captain Kurosaki better than any of us?" Captain Ukitake replied. "He attracts chaos wherever he goes."

Where they were currently standing, there had once been a park. They'd found the remains of a sign that said so. Now there was just a huge crater, with deep gouges in it here and there. None of it really fit Ichigo's style of attack, though.

Rukia knelt down and brushed her fingertips over the ground. The dirt had been pounded flat into an almost smooth substance. "Yachiru?" she murmured thoughtfully. "Could she have done this?"

"Psst! Rukia!" a voice hissed.

Rukia looked up to find Tatsuki waving frantically at her, but doing so in a manner that indicated she didn't particularly want to be seen by anyone else. Trading confused looks, Rukia and Ukitake approached her.

"If you're looking for that blockhead Ichigo, he and Yachiru are with Orihime. But you'll have to wait to see him until tomorrow. He can't be disturbed."

"He's safe, then?" Rukia asked in relief.

"As safe as he can be with Orihime looking after him, anyway."

Rukia laughed weakly. "Well, he deserves any lumps she might give him, I'm sure."

"It's the banging I'm more worried about," Tatsuki muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing. You two can stay at my place tonight, if you want."

"That won't be necessary," Ukitake replied. "Rukia, I'm going back to see Yukinko before I return to Soul Society tonight. You may stay here, if you wish."

"No... I'll go with you," Rukia said. "Now that I know Ichigo and Yachiru are okay, I should get back to my duties."

"And Nemu?" Ukitake coughed lightly into his hand.

Rukia glared at him, blushing.

"I'll tell Ichigo you stopped by, right before I break something over his head," Tatsuki promised.

"Could you tell him that's from me, too?" Rukia asked hopefully.

* * *

Sex with Orihime was a lot like eating ice cream for the first time, Ichigo decided. There was quite a bit of fumbling; the longer it went on, the messier they got; and when it was over, all Ichigo could think about was that he wanted to do it again.

But, there were the terms to think about. Orihime wanted sex and a baby, and she arguably had both now. So they were done.

Unfortunately.

Except when Ichigo started to get out of the bed, Orihime grabbed his arm.

"Wait," she whispered, trying to put a husky quality into her voice, and then stopping when she realized how weird it sounded, coming from her. "I... I think we should do it again. And maybe a third time."

Ichigo just looked at her blankly.

"It would be more inconvenient if you had to come back because I wasn't actually pregnant, wouldn't it?" she asked. "This way, we increase my chances. Of getting pregnant tonight, I mean."

"So long as there's a good reason," Ichigo lied as he returned to the bed.

Two long hours later, Orihime started to get out of bed. She got one foot on the carpet before Ichigo pulled her into his lap, drawing a squeak of surprise out of her. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"We should do it again," he said. "Just to be sure."

Orihime looked into his eyes, and smiled. "Of course."

In the end, neither of them made it out of bed until late the next morning. And when they finally did, Orihime was very much pregnant, and Ichigo was debating if he should try to convince her that she wasn't, just so he'd have an excuse to get her back into bed.

Because if he told her outright that he just wanted to have sex with her again, it would either make her very happy, or very sad, and he wasn't sure if he could deal with either reaction.

The silence between them was very strange. Ichigo felt like he was free to touch Orihime now, but didn't, because she might read too much into it, or be uncomfortable, since they weren't actually in a relationship. Orihime was mentally and physically trying to distance herself from him, because she didn't want to get used to his touch. It would only make her miss him more when he left.

Ichigo cooked breakfast, more because it gave him something to do, and because if Yuzu ever found out that he hadn't cooked at least once for the woman he'd gotten pregnant, she might never forgive him. He was so distracted that he burned half of it, anyway, but Yachiru and Kouryou had no trouble gulping it down, or coming back for seconds. Orihime had actually laughed when Ichigo asked where her garbage disposal was, just before Kouryou ate the more blackened portions with a dollop of sour cream and what could only be an unhealthy amount of steak sauce and lemon juice.

Afterwards, Orihime sent the kids outside to play, partially so she'd be alone with Ichigo, and partially because the apple tree in the yard was ready for picking, and nothing got the apples down faster than Kouryou roughhousing with someone (and unlike Tatsuki, Yachiru might actually get a kick out of being launched headfirst into a tree).

"I can't just leave you with a kid," Ichigo said at once. "I won't be a deadbeat dad. If for no other reason than my sisters would kill me."

Orihime just smiled. "I would never try to keep you from our child. You're welcome to visit whenever you can, and to stay as long as you can. I want our child to know you, and love you. Besides, deadbeats don't save the world. I'd make sure our child knew just how hard you work to keep us safe. You aren't the bad guy, Ichigo, and you never will be. Not to me. Not to us."

"Why do you love me?" he asked.

She shrugged. "Chizuru ruined lesbians for me, and even if she hadn't, Tatsuki would've turned me down. Who else was I going to love?"

"There's always Uryu."

"Well, he's gay, isn't he?"

Ichigo stared at her. He'd never wanted to hug her more. "What?" he asked, trying to keep the joy out of his voice.

"Uryu isn't gay?" Orihime asked in genuine surprise.

He grinned. "No, but I would love to hear why you think he is."

"Doesn't he have a crush on you?"

Ichigo's grin faded at once. "WHAT?"

"Isn't that why he's always so mean to you? Because he doesn't know how to approach you and tell you the truth?"

By that point, Ichigo was gaping in horror at the prospect of Orihime actually being right. The idea of Uryu being gay was funny to him. The idea of Uryu being gay for him... not so much.

"So... you think Uryu is gay, and that he likes me."

"Yes. And... who are you calling?"

Ichigo ignored her, frowning as he dialed the number to Ishida Threads. It was a bit early, but he had no doubt that Uryu would be there. And sure enough...

"What."

"It's me, damn you, and why the hell do you answer the phone that way?"

"Because I knew it was you," Uryu sighed. "Who else would call at this hour and-"

"Are you gay?" Ichigo demanded.

There was a pause.

"You think I'm gay because I don't like to be disturbed this early in the morning?"

"I don't think you're gay, Orihime does. But the way she explained it makes me wonder, so I'm asking, are you gay?"

Another pause.

"Orihime thinks I'm gay?"

"Yes, damn it, now are you? Because if you are, and you're into me, then-"

"You magnificent bastard," Uryu hissed. "How dare you. How DARE you."

Ichigo actually stopped talking. He'd offended Uryu before, but now the Quincy sounded truly pissed.

"IF I were gay, I could do much better than YOU. WORLDS better. UNIVERSES better. Entire-"

Ichigo hung up.

"Is he gay?" Orihime asked.

"No, he's just a huge jerk in the morning, but we already knew that."

* * *

"Oh no," Hinamori moaned.

Ogichi cracked open one eye and leaned back in Ichigo's CCC (Comfy Captain's Chair). Sleeping was... odd, but he was quickly getting used to it, and didn't like to be disturbed while he was doing it. He found that sleep improved his mood... and that having it disrupted only pissed him off more than usual. "What?"

"They won't preserve Captain Zaraki's title," Hinamori replied, her eyes scanning the letter in her hands.

"Why not?" Ogichi asked, only halfway interested.

"Because the title of Kenpachi is always bestowed upon the best swordsman in a generation, and that person is always the 11th Division Captain, so..."

"Ichigo doesn't have a choice in the matter, and he's the new Kenpachi whether he likes it or not?" Ogichi threw back his head and laughed maniacally. "HA! Perfect!"

"Please stop doing that," Hinamori sighed. "Everything isn't that funny."

"It is when you think about how much shit Ichigo will be in when he finally gets back," Ogichi replied gleefully. "Almost makes me want to get some manure so he'll step in it literally, too."

Hinamori gave him a look that could melt steel.

"What? I said almost." He closed his eyes again and went back to sleep.

Hinamori tried her best to choke him with her spiritual pressure, and growled in frustration when his only reaction was to scratch absently at a spot on his cheek.

"Fuckin' pesky butterflies," he grumbled, shifting slightly in his chair.

* * *

"I would be most interested to know," General Yamamoto stated, "why there is a Hollow in charge of the 11th Division."

None of the assembled captains seemed in a hurry to answer him. Finally, Captain Unohana cleared her throat quietly. "Sir, 3rd Seat Hinamori Momo, as the highest ranking 11th Division officer currently within the Seireitei, personally vouched for the... entity, both before and after I treated her. He was most anxious over her well-being, and every attempt to pry him from her side was met with extreme violence."

"How extreme?" Yamamoto asked.

Unohana didn't even blink. "All the arms were safely reattached to their proper owners. Eventually."

The old man sighed loudly. "Captain Soifon, I understand you have been observing this Hollow closely. What are your findings?"

Soifon looked as if she had been chewing on a lemon. "The 11th Division officers follow him without question. They treat him as if he's Kurosaki himself."

"That's because he is."

Everyone turned to look at Captain Chad, who had chosen that moment to finally remove his headphones.

"He is what?" Yamamoto asked.

"Ichigo. In much the same way that the Aizen you all trusted was the same Aizen that betrayed you. Two sides of the same person. Captain Soifon is both 2nd Division Captain and commander of the special forces, Captain Kurotsuchi is both creepy and sadistic, Cap-"

"We understand," Byakuya interrupted sharply, noting the way Kurotsuchi's nostrils were flaring.

"Do you? You're used to dealing with Hollows who no longer have a good side. If you try to destroy him, you'll just make him angry, or hurt Ichigo. Either way, you'd have two Divisions against you."

"Three," Unohana added serenely.

"...four," Byakuya sighed, closing his eyes.

"I'd say seven, wouldn't you, gentleman?" Ukitake asked.

Kyoraku raised a small cup of sake that he'd apparently hidden up his sleeve, and Hitsugaya rolled his eyes, but nodded.

"Nine," Renji grunted as Rangiku gave him a firm poke in the side.

Despite being a stickler for following the rules, Soifon was all too aware that the rules had led her astray during Aizen's plot. Aside from that, she was somewhat fond of Hinamori, and did not typically abandon her operatives without excellent reason. "Ten," she reluctantly added, drawing several stares of surprise. "What?! He hasn't done anything yet that Kurosaki wouldn't do in a really bad mood, anyway!"

"I trust you are going to enforce the new policy that all new captains must submit to a thorough physical examination, sir?" Kurotsuchi asked, staring straight at Yamamoto.

Yamamoto resisted the urge to roll his eyes admirably. "If you can get him to agree, Captain Kurotsuchi, feel free."

"When did this policy go into effect?" Ukitake asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Hours after Kurosaki was promoted."

"As such, he was exempt from the new ruling," Kurotsuchi added. "However, with the addition of this new... entity, his medical records are now, obviously, outdated."

"That is completely false," Unohana said at once. "While his records do not point to the Hollow being an entirely separate body, I have personally examined Kurosaki on an almost weekly basis for some time now. His recorded increases in stamina and strength are by no means unusual... for him, anyway. I have no doubt that the Hollow exhibits similar characteristics, and can accurately gauge his abilities based on Kurosaki's records."

"Educated guesswork at best," Kurotsuchi sneered. "What we need are cold, hard facts as to what this Hollow is truly capable of."

"And how would you test for that? Pushing him to the brink of his power, and thereby destroying half of the Seireitei in the process? I can guarantee that the Hollow will cooperate peacefully, if I am the one to examine him. I suspect your daughter is the only one of your subjects you can say that about, and that's only because her will is essentially a self-sacrificing, humane version of your own."

"You have no authority to speak to me that way, Captain Unohana," Kurotsuchi returned coolly.

Yamamoto sighed. "So long as Captain Kurotsuchi runs his Division effectively, his methods are not open to discussion, Captain Unohana. However, I will agree with your suggestion regarding the Hollow, for now. But I am curious as to how you plan to subdue him."

"The same way I get Yachiru to hold still for her exams, sir."

"I fail to see how a lollipop the size of a small child will help in this case."

Unohana smiled and shook her head slightly. "I'm going to keep him calm with something he is very much attached to... or perhaps I should say, someone."

* * *

Ichigo had always known he would have to go back to the Soul Society. He just hadn't realized how hard it would be. Every instinct he had told him to stay in the human world with Orihime. Even now, he didn't love her the way she'd wanted him to, and they both knew he might never. But that was no excuse to abandon the pregnant mother of his child, even if she insisted that wasn't the case. Yes, Orihime would be fine with Tatsuki and Kouryou to look after her, but the point, in Ichigo's mind, was that she shouldn't have to be fine with just them.

But no amount of arguing or pleading would change Orihime's mind: he was welcome to stay with her, but under no condition would she actually ask him to. If she had, Ichigo might very well have demoted himself to substitute shinigami again on the spot, no matter what anyone said or thought.

Orihime was right about him, though. He was happy leading the 11th Division, and even if he never resented Orihime or their child for his staying with them, he would never really be as happy as he was right now.

There wasn't much time to mull it over, though. Ururu and Hanataro had arrived that afternoon, with orders to bring Ichigo and Yachiru back the moment they were both able to travel through the senkaimon (they'd even brought a huge bag of candy in case Yachiru resisted). Orihime wasn't going to ask him to stay, and neither would Tatsuki (who was still mad at him for giving into Orihime's request).

Yachiru wasn't happy about the orders, either. She and Kouryou were getting along famously, and neither of them wanted to be separated. Aside from that, now that she knew Orihime was pregnant (Ichigo had assured her of this with a thoroughly red face), Yachiru seemed to think that Orihime and Kouryou wouldn't be safe outside of the 11th Division. She had even offered to give up her quarters for them, insisting that she'd rather bunk with Ichigo or Hinamori, anyway.

To his credit, Hanataro conveniently "forgot" to examine Ichigo for a few hours before declaring him fit to travel. But in that time, Orihime had remained firm. She was clearly not happy, not completely, but she wasn't about to admit it, not even when they were all gathered in her yard, ready to depart.

"Orihime," Ichigo said softly, staring into her eyes. "If you ask me to stay, I will."

She only smiled back, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. "Have a safe trip, Ichigo."

Before he could make another attempt to sway her, Yachiru leapfrogged over his head and caught Orihime's hand on the way down.

"Hey, Ori-onee! Remember, you promised to call me when the baby starts to come out, so I can be the first one to hold my new sister!"

"I won't forget, Yachiru," Orihime assured her, leaning down to kiss the top of the pink-haired girl's head. "Take good care of Ichigo for me, okay?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me to do that? Ichi-kun isn't that helpless!" Yachiru giggled wildly.

Frowning, Ichigo fished a gumball out of his pocket and threw it, watching Yachiru race after it. "So it's a girl," he murmured, his lips twitching upward slightly as Yachiru caught the gumball in her mouth and began chewing furiously.

"Well, I'm not sure," Orihime admitted. "But Yachiru has her heart set on one, and I can never say no to her."

"Then you want a girl."

"All I want is a child that's yours, Ichigo."

He wanted to say something, but his throat had gone dry, and Orihime was very carefully watching an eager Kouryou spar with a very flustered Hanataro. Instead, Ichigo merely allowed his fingers to brush against hers, and was somewhat relieved when she quickly took his hand.

"Um, excuse me," Ururu murmured softly, "but we should really be going now..."

"Right." Ichigo gave Orihime's hand a final squeeze before slowly releasing it. "Yachiru, Hanataro! Time to go!"

Hanataro practically ran over, quickly healing up a nasty cut on his arm along the way. "Such a... spirited boy," he laughed weakly, possibly from excessive blood loss.

"Bye, Kou-kun!" Yachiru shouted, waving at him. "I'll kill you if you let another girl kiss you!"

Kouryou started to wave back, then paused and swallowed loudly as he realized what she'd actually said. He quickly hid behind Orihime, who could only smile and pat his head.

Ichigo wanted to say something, but he could think of nothing that would help. So he merely stared at Orihime as Ururu drew out a huge gun, pointed it straight up, and launched a missile into the air. The missile broke apart in mid-air, which released a glowing white net that fell down and covered the group of shinigami. The world tilted for a moment, and then there was a great yank before they were dumped roughly in Captain Unohana's office.

"Still haven't worked the kinks out of that rescue net, Ururu-chan?" Unohana asked as she helped the girl up.

"At least I got it to land in the 4th Division this time, instead of that pit like last time..."

"Yes, that was rather unfortunate, but I'm sure they appreciated the rescue all the same. Or they will, if they ever wake up..."

* * *

Rukia was thoroughly exhausted. She had spent the entire morning in the archives with Nemu, learning everything she could about the late Ukitake Yachiru, former captain of the 4th Division. They'd only been allowed with Captain Ukitake's permission, and a promise that they'd have tea with him at lunchtime, so that he could share his family photo album.

All of the pictures of Ukitake Yachiru had showed a softly smiling woman, with her hair secured in a long, white braid that reached nearly to her knees. Her captain's haori seemed entirely too big for her, especially in the shoulders, but apparently she'd worn massive armor pieces underneath to protect her arms. Strangely, there were many pictures of her playing with Rukongai children, which was practically unheard of for most shinigami. Of all the pictures, Rukia's favorites had been the annual family picnics, where an army of grinning, white-haired children waved at the camera. She'd noted with an amused giggle that Captain Hitsugaya was in the latest, clearly against his will.

The rest of the day had been devoted to training with Isane, which Nemu was strangely eager about. Rukia figured Nemu had inherited some love for bloodshed from her father, and indeed Nemu later insisted on bandaging their cuts personally, with an expertise that indicated she had done it many, many times before. Even Isane commented that Nemu would've made an excellent 4th Division officer.

All of this had left Rukia so worn out that she'd dragged the other two into bed early, determined to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed (she so loved that expression) the next morning.

But it was not meant to be.

For Rukia had only been sleeping for a few hours when the closet door was pulled open, and someone rudely climbed in without invitation, forcing a strangled squawk from Rukia as a heavy knee prodded roughly into her ribs. She didn't even need to see the orange hair in the moonlight from the window to know the identity of the intruder.

"Ichigo!" she snarled, punching him in the head. "What the hell are you doing in here?!"

By then, both Nemu and Isane were awake. Neither said a word, assuming that Rukia and Ichigo would come to blows, make up, and grudgingly apologize without words in just a few minutes. That was always how it worked with them.

Ichigo looked to be in a hurry though, because he skipped straight to the last step. "Sorry, guys. I need to talk to Rukia, and it can't wait."

Nemu and Isane were far too patient with Ichigo's overwhelming... "guyness," as Rukia called it, to take offense to being referred to as "guys." Really, it was Ichigo's way of calling them friends, or even sisters. Rukia... well, taking offense with Ichigo was practically her job.

"You climb into our bed without asking, and then you call us-!"

"I slept with Orihime," Ichigo muttered.

There was complete, stunned silence as Ichigo carefully tried to find a position that was actually approaching comfortable. Finally, he just picked up Rukia (she was, after all, still too stunned to protest, the smallest of the three, and the one he was most comfortable with touching inappropriately) and took her spot between Nemu and Isane, settling her back down on top of him. With anyone else it might have been weird, but Rukia just shifted slightly and tucked her head under Ichigo's chin, relaxing as he draped his arms around her waist to keep her from falling into the others.

"Don't leave anything out," Rukia instructed, and Ichigo had little choice but to obey. As he talked, he gradually became more aware that all three of his new bedmates were, in fact, female, all curvy and soft in most of the same places that Orihime had been. Consequently, he had to pause often and clear his throat or try to maneuver his crotch away from Rukia's rear. Fortunately, Rukia was smart enough to realize that Ichigo's story was having the same effect on everyone, and forced herself not to consider his erection a compliment. She was definitely going to tease him about it later, though.

"So even though she told me it was okay," Ichigo concluded what seemed like hours later, "I still feel like a total deadbeat. But I can't just quit and go be with her."

"Because you have duties here," Isane added.

Ichigo blinked. "No, because Orihime wouldn't let me."

"She guilts you into getting her pregnant, then won't ask you to stay with her," Rukia murmured. "That sounds like Orihime, alright."

"Are you kidding? That's nothing like Orihime! She's spent her whole life avoiding me-"

"Only because she was so in love with you that she didn't know what to do with herself."

"Then out of nowhere she wants sex all night-"

"Well, obviously she wasn't getting any!"

"But the baby part-"

"Her biological clock ticks like everyone else's. And since she waited this long for you, it only makes sense that she'd be rushing."

Ichigo scowled at the top of Rukia's head. "Don't make me kick you out of this bed."

"How is it my fault that you're so colossally stupid? Ichigo, you know nothing about love. For example, what would you do if I told you I was in love with you?"

"Run," Ichigo said at once, earning a whack upside his head. "Ow."

"I'm serious!"

"So was I. OW!"

"Dammit, Ichigo! This is why you're in this situation right now! You're only serious when you're too stupid to know it's wiser to quit, and otherwise you just don't care!"

"Are you still giving me grief over the fact that I saved your life?" he demanded. "Because I won't apologize for that! I owed you, dammit, and even if I didn't, it would've been like standing by while somebody killed Chad or Orihime! You were my friend, and I don't just let my friends die for no good reason! And did you forget that you weren't supposed to die in the first place?! It was all part of Aizen's scam! Why can't you ever let stuff like that go?! You act like we'd be better off if I'd just left you to-"

Isane interrupted there, because she was growing bored, and missing out on her sleep. She grabbed Ichigo's chin, tugged his head close, and kissed him more to shut him up than anything else.

Nemu was also bored, and did the same with Rukia, who had been expecting as much.

"The hell?" Ichigo grunted once Isane released him.

"You're both idiots," she sighed. "Rukia, Ichigo loves you. You're his best friend, and he'd do anything to save you. He thinks it's his job, and he's quite good at it, so stop trying to make him quit. Ichigo, Rukia worries about you because she cares so much. That's her job, and you should be used to it. Now, I want you two to kiss and make up."

Ichigo blanched. "Handshakes are more appropriate where I-"

Isane elbowed him and glared into his eyes. "Kiss her, you fool."

"Oh, come here," Rukia sighed, grabbing the sides of Ichigo's head. "I won't bite... this time."

Reluctantly, Ichigo leaned forward, wincing slightly as Rukia gave him two quick pecks on his lips. "Now you're good forever, right?" he muttered.

"For this century," she corrected with a smirk.

"Ugh. Can we get back to my problem, please?"

"You should be the Human Affairs Administrator," Nemu said at once.

"Why?" he asked dumbly.

"Because it would mean you could be stationed in Karakura, of course."

"...we have one of those?"

"No. All the more reason to create one. Although it would mean talking to Ishida a bit more."

"Damn. Okay, fine. What do I have to do?"

"Get Chad and the other captains to agree."

"Wait, YOU call him Chad?" Ichigo asked in disbelief.

"He insisted," Nemu murmured, "right after he gave me a heavy metal CD."

Everyone stared at her blankly.

"You like heavy metal?" Rukia finally asked.

"It's mostly shouting and screaming. It reminds me of home... whenever my father was there, anyway."

"...okay, time for bed," Isane said firmly.

Ichigo frowned. "We're already in-"

"Time for SLEEPING in bed, Ichigo."

"Oh." He moved to leave, but Rukia whacked him again.

"Don't be stupid; I've just gotten comfortable."

"But-"

"We're not going force ourselves on you, Ichigo, but we are going to have our way with you. And our way means shut up and lie there like a good pillow." With that, Rukia laid her head on his chest and closed her eyes.

Ichigo felt weird for all of ten seconds. Then he remembered that he, too, was exhausted, and decided that sleeping with Rukia and the girls probably couldn't get him in any more trouble than, say, impregnating a sweet, naive young woman and then leaving her to fend for herself.

"Damn, I suck," he grumbled.

"We know, now go to sleep," Rukia muttered, poking him in the ribs.

**End of Chapter 9.**

* * *

**Next Chapter: Ya-punzel**

In which Orihime gives birth, Ogichi gets a new name, Yachiru finds her namesake, and Ichigo gets a new job. Also, Rangiku reaches Bankai, and Zaraki reflects on death, sorta.

Endnotes:

**Kage Shinsou (Shadow Divine/God Spear):**

Gin's sword melts into his shadow, then re-emerges in any nearby shadow that Gin sees fit. He can form up to six additional copies of his sword, all of which strike roughly at the same target.

Now, I can't defend my take on Komamura's sexual prowess. But I do know that he has considerable experience controlling massive objects that have pointy ends and make repeated thrusting motions, so...

Does Ichimaru have a Bankai? I wasn't sure, so I just gave him one.

Let me stress again: Kouryou is NOT Zaraki (in much the same way that Kagome is not Kikyou, but let me stop before we get too deep into THAT can of worms). So it's not icky that Yachiru's into him. Not really.

Is there an established reason why Ichigo never seems to notice that Orihime is, in fact, a hot girl? I'm curious. And considering how downright noticeable she makes herself by crashing into things and saying weird stuff, it's hard to accept that Ichigo could essentially ignore her, right up until she went missing on him. Kind of makes you think twice about the boy's sexuality... or at least his eyesight.

I don't think Uryu is gay. On the other hand, only so many types of people wear capes, and Uryu is not a superhero or a soul singer. And yes, I stole "magnificent bastard" from Seinfeld, what of it?

Coincidentally, I now have some real life experience with a hospice: my father recently passed away in one. I can't say how that will impact my writing at this point, but I suspect updates will come less frequently, at the very least.

This chapter title inspired by "Sleeping Beauty," a tale of a princess living with seven little men. Hmm. An attractive narcoleptic woman sharing a house with seven small, lonely men. I don't think I need to say anything else. Oh, wait, that's Snow White.


	10. Yapunzel

Notes: I expected Chapter 10 to be the last in the planning stages. But it's looking like I'll have to squeeze out at least one more to wrap this up the way I want. Lucky you!

**Ichigo and the Beanstalk**

**A Bleach Fairy Tale by**

**Nate Grey (XMAN0123-at-aol-dot-com)**

**Chapter 10: Ya-punzel**

* * *

All was not well within the 11th Division. Rather, all was not perfect, but for the most part, the Division was running as smoothly as it ever had. But it was rather obvious that the four top officers were more than a little distracted.

Ichigo seemed to be caught in a stream of endless meetings, all of which centered on convincing General Yamamoto of the necessity of a strong (if singular) shinigami presence in Karakura. Mainly, himself. It wasn't that the old man didn't like the idea, though. He was of the opinion that Ichigo (and though it was left unsaid, Ogichi as well) needed watching, and he did not trust 11th Division officers to do that (unless standing back and watching Ichigo make trouble counted, which it didn't). Had Ichigo not been so stubborn, he might have noticed that the crafty old man was gradually forming a small task force of shinigami with human world experience to ensure the venture's success. Really, the idea already had Yamamoto's blessing: he was just stalling until the group was selected, and keeping Ichigo out of the loop. Not out of suspicion, but because Yamamoto recognized a stressed soldier when he saw one, just as easily as he recognized a boy with woman trouble. And since Ichigo was both, he was not about to be trusted with anything too sensitive at the moment.

Ogichi was having the time of his life, barking orders and scaring people half to death. He was a natural captain, if only because everyone was too scared or nervous to say otherwise. If not for the soothing presence of Hinamori at his side, no one below lieutenant would've ever gone near him. He went to none of the meetings, and in fact rarely left the Division at all. Hinamori was his representative instead, something that was only tolerated because she was a former lieutenant herself, and because both Ichigo and Yachiru were far too busy to be present themselves.

Yachiru was training almost non-stop, having announced her intentions to master Zaraki's sword. Very few people actually thought she could: it was generally accepted that Zaraki's spiritual pressure had brutalized the zanpakuto into eternal silence. But Yachiru refused to give up, and could be found everyday training under Captain Chad, who was, as she put it, "the biggest freak" that she knew. That was not said in unkindness, either: including his power limiters, Chad probably outweighed Komamura by quite a bit, and Yachiru figured he might be able to communicate with the sword, if for no other reason than he reminded her slightly of Kouryou.

Hinamori was the most disturbed of all. Her relationship with Ichigo had been strained even before she'd found out about Orihime's pregnancy. Now, though, she could hardly look at him without grimacing or stabbing something nearby. She appreciated that Ichigo had been man enough to tell her himself, but that was effectively the last time they'd spoken to each other in months. Instead of becoming depressed, Hinamori threw herself into her work. She spent her free time randomly attacking Ogichi, who seemed to get a perverse kind of pleasure from the ambushes. These encounters had a way of escalating to the point where even a captain might've lost an eye, but there was no real way to interrupt them. Constant fights against Ogichi had made Hinamori and Tobiume so powerful that only Yachiru could safely break them up (Ichigo could've as well, but Ogichi and Hinamori were more likely to team up and attack him than stop), and she usually refused, insisting that they were "just flirting."

Many people had expected Ichigo and Ogichi to rejoin, but so far neither one had made any mention of it. Ichigo was clearly reluctant to take away the one part of himself that Hinamori spent any time with, and besides, either despite of because of his harshness, Ogichi had won the fearful respect of the entire 11th Division in record time. And if the Hollow was nuts, he was no more nuts than Zaraki had been, so it wasn't really a big change.

* * *

Tatsuki couldn't help gaping at Orihime over breakfast.

"Kou-kun, would pass me the jelly, please?" Orihime asked.

Tatsuki's shock further grew when Orihime took a small amount of grape jelly and carefully spread it.

ON TOAST.

She had NEVER done that. Ever.

That was just one of many such instances, though.

Orihime's pregnancy, fittingly enough, had been marked by a great deal of what most people considered perfectly normal behavior... for anyone who was not pregnant, that is. She ate mostly the same foods as Tatsuki, in slightly larger portions. She calmed down quite a bit, too, which was VERY odd. Orihime also allowed Tatsuki and Kouryou to fuss over her, which she usually tried to forbid to the best of her ability. She was, of course, used to Tatsuki mothering her, but Kouryou's obvious interest in the baby's well-being was so touching that Orihime had no complaint when he insisted on holding her hand at nearly all times.

Tatsuki, on the other hand, practically had a nervous breakdown every time Orihime expressed any hint of discomfort. By the third month, her nerves were absolutely shot, and Kouryou found himself taking care of both of them. He understood that Tatsuki was only freaking out because Orihime wasn't, and someone had to. He couldn't really blame Tatsuki for caring so much, any more than he could blame Yachiru for being short and cute.

Still, Kouryou had plenty of help with his two mothers. Uryu stopped by at least twice a week with home-cooked meals, claiming Yuzu had forced him into it (although how a sweet girl half his size could make him do anything was never explored). Yuzu herself practically moved in, she was there so often (and always with Femu, who could easily be mistaken for a beast of burden with all of the baby gifts she was made to lug in). "I've got to look after my little nieces!" Yuzu was fond of saying as she rubbed Orihime's belly. Tatsuki thought that any implication that Orihime might have more than one baby this time around was in poor taste, but that was mostly because she could barely handle the thought of the one baby.

Karin came by sparingly, as she couldn't look at Orihime without getting mad at Ichigo, and if there was one thing Orihime wouldn't tolerate, it was anyone talking bad about the father of her baby. Isshin was a frequent visitor, but Orihime often ended up holding his hand as he burst into tears and cursed himself for all of Ichigo's failings as a man. He was still very excited about being a grandfather, though, and made a point of being the one to drive Orihime to each of her doctor appointments.

Anyone could tell it meant a lot to Orihime that the Kurosakis accepted her as one of their own, but she was strangely resistant to the idea of taking their name (Isshin kept bringing it up). Tatsuki assumed it was because Ichigo hadn't proposed (and probably never would, in her mind), but it really had more to do with Kouryou, and to an extent, Sora. Truthfully, Orihime wouldn't have changed her name even if she had gotten married: she would always identify herself as Sora's sister, and she loved Kouryou too much to ever think of him as anything other than an Inoue, as it was the name she'd given him. Ichigo was a lot of things, but he would never be Kouryou's father.

Roughly eight months and thirteen days to the hour she became pregnant, Orihime opened her eyes, smiled, and shook Kouryou awake. "Kou-kun," she said softly, "tell Isshin-san to get his keys." Her son's response was to give her a quick hug and then race out of the room. Orihime carefully ran her hands over her belly. She was not the least bit concerned that she was early: she was having at least one girl for certain, and expected the baby to be as pushy as Tatsuki, for some reason. She was also prepared for this to be the longest night of her life, and she was right.

Just for all of the wrong reasons.

* * *

Hanataro slowly poked his head into Captain Matsumoto's darkened office, peering around before slipping inside. It wasn't that he didn't love her or enjoy being with her, but he was only one man, and a man that knew his limits.

Being fondled, however discretely, in front of General Yamamoto, was a bit much.

He'd been avoiding Rangiku since then, but he wasn't about to be a bad lieutenant because of it. He'd just done all of his paperwork elsewhere (hidden rather cleverly in Renji's office, because he, too, understood woman trouble). But Hanataro had to at least set foot in his captain's office, despite the fact that she rarely ever did so herself.

Hanataro had only taken three steps when the door slammed shut in a way that he could only consider a bad omen.

"Oh, Hana-chan," cooed a sing-song voice that he knew all too well. "You've been hiding."

"R-Ran-chan?" he asked weakly, glancing around nervously. He jumped when orange lights appeared in the air and swirled around him in a tight circle, like strangely aggressive fireflies.

"I don't like it when you hide. It's so much easier to play with you when you're... exposed."

"I-I just needed some time to myself!" he protested, feeling more than a little trapped.

"You're my lieutenant, and my lover. You don't get time to yourself."

"But I-"

"Bankai," Rangiku whispered throatily in his ear, suddenly right behind him.

There was a flash of light, and then Hanataro found himself completely and utterly naked. His clothes, or their remains, lay in ashes at his feet. Amazingly, part of him began to consider the battle applications of that, and so he was totally caught off guard when Rangiku pounced.

Despite the very, very loud noises that floated out of the office during the next few hours, they were not interrupted. The officers had learned not to interrupt, unless they wanted to have "I will not peek" branded across their foreheads with hot ashes. Captain Matsumoto may have been bold about their relationship, but their more private moments were meant to stay just that.

* * *

Yachiru's dreams were usually very straightforward and easy for her to understand. She dreamed of candy, or Zaraki, or Ichigo, or Suteneko. Occasionally Yoruichi, Hinamori, or Ururu might make an appearance, but that was pretty much all she ever saw in her dreams.

The appearance of a smiling, white-haired woman, who reminded her vaguely of Captain Unohana, standing in the midst of a bunch of fluffy clouds, was a surprise, then.

"Who are you, and do you have candy?" Yachiru asked immediately. She'd heard rumors that bad strangers in the human world lured kids with candy, but she was in a dream, so she figured it was fine.

"I always have candy," the woman replied, her smile widening as she offered Yachiru a gumdrop. "I like to share it."

Oddly, Yachiru merely held the gumdrop, sensing whatever they were going to talk about was really important. "You didn't say who you are yet, though."

"Oh, yes. Sorry. I was once 4th Division Captain, a long time ago. I really liked that job, for a while. But I liked helping children even more, and since the majority of them were in the Rukongai, I spent a lot of time there. That wasn't at all typical behavior for a captain, so I got in trouble for it. But I've never regretted it."

"Kids are fun," Yachiru agreed, relaxing a bit. "Do you have a name? I could give you one like I do everyone else, but for right now it's 'Smiley McWhite Hair,' until I think of something shorter, so maybe you should tell me."

"Yachi-chan," the woman said. "At least, my friends called me that. But 'Smiley' is fine for now, as I rather like it."

Yachiru beamed. "So what are you doing in my dream, other than giving me candy?"

"Well, it was only polite. You've been introducing yourself for months now, and it's only recently that I got to the point where I could hear you. It was all roaring for a long time, and then I suddenly heard you. It was a nice change of pace."

"Then... you're Ken-chan's sword!" Yachiru gasped, her eyes wide.

Smiley blinked slowly. "Is that what he ended up calling himself? He never would tell me his name. Anyway, I'm not really the sword, so much as I am the former owner, although I guess this part of me was inside of it. I couldn't really take it with me when I died, and I thought it might be useful to him."

"The sword, or you?"

Smiley shrugged. "Either. Both. I forget. What's important is that you called, and I'm answering. So, what would you like to talk about?"

There was a slight pause.

"Um, I sorta told everybody I would get Ken-chan's sword to listen to me, and since you are now, yay, I win! But I can't really prove it unless you keep coming out when I call you, so..."

"Oh, that sounds far too busy for me," Smiley said, frowning for the first time. "I really only make appearances for children now. Couldn't I just send that instead?"

Yachiru followed Smiley's gaze to a point far beyond them. At first, she could see nothing, but then she became aware of a dull roar, and a never-ending waterfall came into view, sending white foam, water, and clouds rushing in all directions as it crashed down.

"It's not as strong as it used to be, but I don't think you'll run into many problems that are beyond it," Smiley commented. "I figure one of us should get some use out of it."

"COOL!" Yachiru shouted. "And that'll come whenever I call you?! But wait, will it really come out if I call you Smiley? It doesn't sound as good as 'Crush, Suteneko,' you know?"

"You do have a point there. Maybe if you knew my whole name..."

* * *

Rukia's Closet Club was never meant to become public knowledge, and for the most part, it didn't. Well, everyone knew that Rukia had been found in bed with a Nemu. Most usually forgot that Isane was there as well, and even fewer realized that this was a common event.

Captain Kurotsuchi kept his mouth shut largely out of embarrassment: just the idea of one his creations being connected to such a scandal irked him slightly, but so long as he got a fat check from the Kuchikis every month, he would continue to look the other way.

Ichigo was too busy with his own problems to tell anyone.

So how Hinamori discovered them wasn't at all obvious (although Rukia suspected that Ogichi was nowhere near as disconnected from Ichigo as they would've liked everyone to think). All that really mattered was that she was in need of some serious girl talk, and no member of the RCC was willing to turn her away.

Although Rukia was a bit concerned that they'd start having guests every night, all of them uninvited.

"It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so damned gorgeous," Hinamori began with a frustrated sigh.

"Ichigo?" Rukia asked mildly. In her mind, he wasn't a total loss, but still.

"No, Ogichi."

There was an exceedingly long pause.

"What is it that you like about him?" Isane finally asked in slight disbelief.

"It's like he can read my mind most of the time. He's always in the mood to fight when I want to. He just... makes time for me, you know? And then there's all of the compliments he gives me."

"He... compliments you?"

Hinamori grimaced slightly. "Well, mostly it's how he'd like to stick this there, but that's still much more attention than I ever got from Ichigo. And he leaves no doubt in my mind that he's, ah, interested."

"Are you?" Rukia asked.

"Well, YES! But we haven't really done anything. I think it would be weird."

"Especially if you went to bed with him one night and Ichigo woke up with memories of it the next morning," Rukia muttered.

Hinamori blanched. "What?!"

"Think. How did you find out about us? I know Ichigo wouldn't have told him on purpose."

"Oh. I never really thought about it, I was in such a hurry. But would it really be any different than what Ichigo did with Orihime?"

"That doesn't even compare," Rukia argued. "Orihime has been lovesick over him forever, and she's having his child out of love... for the child, anyway. But you only recently became sure of your feelings for him, no matter how much time you've spent together. And since you haven't exactly been close lately, this could just make things worse."

"No matter how good it felt," Nemu added.

Everyone stared at her.

"What? Sex is good." Nemu gazed at Rukia with hooded eyes. "Isn't it, Ruki-chan?"

Rukia turned bright red. "So I hear."

"So do I, when you two think I'm asleep," Isane giggled.

Rukia threw a pillow at her.

"I wasn't complaining! I think it's sweet... and really, really hot."

Hinamori cleared her throat loudly. "We're supposed to be talking about me getting sex, not you two having it!"

"What if you just end up using Ogichi for temporary satisfaction?" Rukia asked.

Rolling her eyes, Hinamori replied, "Honestly? I think he'd enjoy it even more than me."

* * *

It was all very, very confusing, the big man decided as he walked quickly through the expansive gardens of what had to be the most boring dimension he had ever been in. Everywhere he looked, there were peaceful gardens, birds singing, and those horribly boring royal stuck-ups he now worked for.

He hated every minute of it.

But he was somewhat relieved to know that he wasn't the only one that felt that way. The other nine Kenpachi hated it just as much, but none of them could really do anything about it, either. That, perhaps, was the greatest challenge of belonging to the Royal Guard: taking orders like you weren't something special anymore. The Gotei 13 was small time stuff, they were told on the first day. This was the big leagues.

The thought of Aizen, his cronies, and even Ichigo being small time was laughable, but any attempt to take those people seriously anymore just got him frowned at. In the Seireitei, they were stuff of whispered rumors and legend. Here, they were just small potatoes, and nobody liked small potatoes.

Boss Hiroki (the 9th Kenpachi) was the only one that would even listen to his war stories anymore. Hiroki didn't even mind listening to his killer, so long as the story was good. Nobody really knew Hiroki's given name anymore, and his subordinates had always called him "Boss," just as he had always called the man he knew as Zaraki "koroshiya," because he was convinced within five seconds of meeting Zaraki that the man was a natural-born killer.

The big man had noticed that his old name didn't fit so well anymore. Anyone addressing him as Zaraki had to call three or four times before he realized they meant him. The other Kenpachi referred to themselves and each other by number, and "Tenth" fit better than anything else he'd been called there.

Tradition demanded that each Kenpachi be personal bodyguard to a member of the royal family. The first was one of several assigned to the King. Hiroki lucked out with the prince, who had sense enough to do what he was told the first time.

The big man got Hikari, the youngest princess. She was a brat, plain and simple.

Hikari spent most of her time running into things and breaking them. Why they didn't just chain her to the floor was beyond him, and the one time he'd been caught sitting on her, they threatened to make him her ONLY bodyguard, which would've been even worse, because at least now he could pass her off on someone else for a little while.

She had developed the annoying habit of calling him "Ken-kun," and told anyone who would listen that she intended to marry him when she got older, and have an army of spiky-haired warrior girls. No one took her seriously, because it was obvious that the crush was completely one-sided, and "Ken-kun" would cut off his own balls before he let Hikari get anywhere near them.

But even this existence was better than death.

When he'd first arrived, they'd tried to explain it to him. He HAD died, but only so much. Did he really think that Soul Society would allow it's most powerful shinigami to just die, or be reborn elsewhere? But apparently some of him HAD been reborn, which was why what was left didn't care for his old name; it was no longer his, not really.

Nobody else thought it was strange, though. Apparently, faking your death was an old trick for prospective Royal Guardsmen. So was actually dying, for that matter. Being alive and dead were just concepts here, they kept telling him. So long as you existed in some form, and were skilled enough, you had a place in the Royal Guard. Hell, Hiroki was here, and he was damn sure dead (Zaraki had seen to that personally).

To him, it made about as much sense as Watmoozleday, a holiday that Yachiru had invented solely so she could throw watermelon parties (and watermelons, at people, and be excused for it). Although why he could still recall things like Yachiru, Watmoozleday, or the fact that she enjoyed braining people with melons, was beyond him. He had left those things behind, and yet he remembered them, often with fondness.

It made no sense, and yet it did.

Because any time Hikari got to be too much, he would picture her with pink hair, and then let her get away with anything. And every single time his superiors chewed him out for it, he'd just say, "What do you clowns want from me? She wasn't being attacked, and she's not dead. Far as I'm concerned, that's a job well done."

* * *

Despite all appearances to the contrary, Orihime was actually quite intelligent. It was just that she tended to think with her heart, rather than her head. The fact that her heart was also an exceptionally generous one presented something of a constant roadblock on her path to true happiness. She'd spent most of her life just being satisfied with the joy she brought others, but this did very little to fill the emptiness she felt whenever Ichigo hadn't acknowledged her as anything more than an odd girl who bumped into things a lot.

But the baby would change all of that.

For the first time in her life, Orihime was poised to grasp true happiness, at least by her standards. She was loved (well, physically, but Ichigo didn't exactly hate her, either) by the man she loved. She was going to have that man's child. She had a loving family to support her.

But the universe is rarely so kind, especially to those who actually deserve it.

Therefore, Orihime was shocked, but not exactly stunned, when she suddenly realized that the doctor positioned to catch her baby was not a kindly, older gentleman, but actually Tousen Kaname. She had never actually spoken to the man, but thanks to Uryu, she knew three things about him for certain: he was blind, he was with Aizen, and he was supposedly a gentleman.

If Orihime was alarmed at all, she only showed it by blinking rapidly. Although it was easily missed, considering a rather severe contraction hit an instant later. Unfortunately, the only person in the delivery room who might've noticed was Isshin, and of course he was far too preoccupied with holding Orihime's hand and helping her breathe properly.

Orihime had little choice but to continue having her baby, and hope that Tousen's being a gentleman included not attacking birthing mothers and newborns. But the very fact that Tousen had slipped by all of the spiritually aware people in the lobby indicated that Aizen was nearby as well, and Orihime unfortunately knew that he had no problem with killing women, and beyond that, rather seemed to enjoy it.

* * *

There was complete silence in the meeting room. Finally, after several awkward moments, General Yamamoto cleared his throat and said, "What did you say, Captain Kurosaki?"

Ichigo had to bite his lip very hard to keep from slugging the old man. "I want you to give the title of Kenpachi to him," he muttered, jerking his head at Ogichi, who had a maniacal grin on his face and a supposedly friendly arm slung around Ichigo's neck (although it more closely resembled a choke hold).

"Do you realize what that would imply?" Yamamoto finally asked, his eyes narrowing slightly.

"Uh, the truth?" Ichigo guessed. "Look, do you really think I'd be suggesting this if it weren't true? What would be the point, if any other captain could prove it wasn't?"

"But the very idea of suggesting that your Hollow recieve the title of Kenpachi-"

"I'd like to see any of you losers try to take it from me!" Ogichi sneered, earning several cold looks. Although none of those stepped forward to silence him.

"I'm only doing this because it's the right thing to do," Ichigo insisted. "Captain Zaraki would've wanted it this way, I'm certain of that. The man had his faults, but he was deserving of the title. He could beat anybody, given enough time. Ogichi is no different."

Yamamoto shook his head. "Giving him the title would suggest that he, a Hollow, is stronger than a shinigami."

Ichigo and Ogichi traded amused looks.

"Well, have any of you beaten him since he appeared?" Ichigo asked curiously.

No one answered.

"See? Even I can't beat him at this point, and since I don't see any other captains lining up to take a shot at him, that can only mean that he is deserving of the title. Besides, I'm not a typical shinigami, so doesn't it make sense that my Hollow half is also exceptional?"

"You forget your place, both of you," Captain Kurotsuchi snarled.

Ogichi scowled and nudged Ichigo. "I thought we agreed you'd keep the freaks from hitting on me, so why's this one painted up like a cheap whore and leering at me?"

Ichigo bit his lip to keep from laughing. "I don't think he's coming onto you. At least, I really hope not..."

Snorting, Ogichi stepped away from Ichigo and raised his voice. "Fine. I'll take on all of you punks, right now. Or just the old man. Makes no difference to me. Either way, you seem to be under the impression that I'm asking for the title. I've already taken it. I'm just here to defend it, and prove it's rightfully mine. So you can whine and complain all you want, but so long as my Division and I know the truth, who cares what you losers think?"

Yamamoto closed his eyes tightly, and was actually considering accepting the challenge just to shut Ogichi up, if only for a few moments.

Of course, everyone got shut up for several moments when an enormous blue dragon's head burst through the floor, showering all of the captains (but mostly Kurotsuchi) with debris. Ogichi was the only one who didn't look completely shocked, as he yawned and booted Ichigo forward, straight towards the dragon's mouth.

This might have been considered treason of the highest order, except that when the dragon's mouth opened wide, Yachiru's head poked out from behind the top row of pointy teeth, and she grabbed a fistful of Ichigo's hair, tugging him inside. With that, the dragon's mouth snapped shut loudly, and the creature sank out of sight, leaving a gaping hole in the floor.

"What was that?!" Soifon demanded, angrily brushing some dust from her hair.

"Looks like Busty-hime's having her brat early," Ogichi commented, sounding bored. "So she sent her other brat to get Pinky and Ichigo."

"But how did that dragon breach the Seireitei?!" Soifon shouted.

Ogichi rolled his eyes. "Loudly, obviously. You want to make something of it, Soy Sauce?"

Soifon stared at him in disbelief, her hands twitching. "If you were anyone else, I would kill you instantly."

"And since I'm not?"

"I'll kill you slowly."

A sinister grin spread across Ogichi's face. "When I beat you, you vote for me to be the new Kenpachi. Deal?"

"Fine," Soifon snapped. "And when I defeat you, you must become my lieutenant. I will break you in every sense of the word."

Ogichi licked his lips. "Kinky. Sounds like I win either way."

* * *

Kouryou had been a creature of instinct every single day of his life. This had served him well, and he saw no reason to change that. He rarely bothered to question anything that felt right, and often there was no time to do so, anyway.

For example, despite the obvious stress that Ichigo caused Orihime, Kouryou had never raised a hand against him. Instinct told him that not only was Ichigo quite formidable, but that he would also have no problem with attacking a small, angry child. Plus, it would make Orihime cry, so it was never even an option in the first place.

Still, this made things very confusing, especially when you had questions.

But, as usual, there was no time for questions. Kouryou knew it was his job to fetch Yachiru and Ichigo for Orihime, so he'd done that. He could not, however, explain the detour to the unknown dimension, or why they'd picked up a stranger that all three of them seemed to know, to some extent. Honestly, Kouryou found the man a bit scary, but Yachiru seemed to like him.

Also, Yachiru kept calling the man "Ken-chan," which, for some inexplicable reason, sounded a lot like she was saying "Kou-kun." At least, it did to Kouryou, so he kept turning around, only to find she wasn't talking to him. And each time he did so, the stranger would smirk in a way that Kouryou found a bit unsettling. Ichigo noticed it, too, but said nothing.

* * *

Tousen Kaname was by no means a doctor. Everything he knew about delivering babies, he had learned in the last few days, at Aizen's orders. Aizen had assured him that it was hardly necessary, however: he firmly believed that Orihime would not, and could not, die during the birth of her child, or immediately afterwards. He'd offered no explanation, but Tousen assumed that it referred back to the reason Aizen was so interested in possessing Orihime's powers initially.

Indeed, there were absolutely no complications during the birth... and if there were, they corrected themselves with no help from Tousen. Soon enough, he was holding a squirming, crying child in his hands. Being blind in no way dulled the moment for him: Tousen's other senses were far more reliable by now, and he was very much aware of how powerful this moment was, not just for him, but for everyone in the room.

"Kaname-san," whispered a soft voice.

He looked up to see Orihime gazing down at him, a strangely serene expression on her face. "Yes?" he asked without thinking, despite the fact she had no good reason to be using his given name. There was just something about the woman that was a bit too disarming.

"Is... my baby okay?"

Tousen almost said yes, then decided against it. Instead, he went against every order that Aizen had given him, and handed the baby to its mother.

And he had no idea why, other than the path with less bloodshed and the most justice should allow for a mother to hold her child, if only for a short time. He simply stood there, watching Orihime cuddle and coo at her new daughter. The child quickly settled down, and was handed off to Isshin, who proceeded to make funny faces at her.

Then Orihime was smiling wearily at Tousen, and saying, "I think you'd better get back down there, Kaname-san. You might miss the other baby."

His eyes widened, and he quickly did as he was told.

* * *

Ichigo had known something was wrong the moment Kouryou picked up Zaraki. After all, Zaraki wouldn't care about a birth unless Yachiru was the one pregnant, and nobody took Zaraki along anywhere unless they expected to be in a tough fight.

They landed directly inside the hospital lobby in just a matter of minutes, and the first thing Ichigo saw was Yuzu and Karin arguing about who should get to hold the baby first.

The next thing he saw was Aizen, standing calmly beside a vending machine.

The world slowed to a crawl, then exploded as Zaraki shoved Ichigo aside and plowed into Aizen with the force of a runaway freight train, knocking them clear through the wall. Kouryou and Yachiru were right on his heels, yelling their heads off and waving their swords. It would've been cute if Ichigo hadn't known how dangerous they each were.

Amazingly, Aizen was not Ichigo's immediate concern. He ran through the hole in the wall that Zaraki's charge had created, heading straight for where he could feel Orihime's weakened spiritual pressure.

But the scene waiting for him in the hospital room was not one he would've ever expected.

The moment Ichigo passed through the door, the body of Tousen Kaname was there to greet him. The man was pinned to the wall by a zanpakuto through the heart, his chest soaked with blood.

Ichigo felt nothing as he took in the sight, then turned away.

Orihime was asleep in bed, thoroughly exhausted.

Beside the bed, holding two sleeping babies, was Ichigo's father. One of his arms was coated in blood, and the other was curled protectively around the twin baby girls.

Ichigo's brain slammed to a halt. "Twins...? Both girls?"

Isshin grinned with unshed tears in his eyes. "The Kurosaki line continues, my boy!"

"But, they're girls," Ichigo murmured. "So that means it's over, doesn't it?"

"Don't be stupid! They'll force their husbands to take our name, just like their Aunt Karin will!"

"Oh. That makes sense." And it really did. "So, you, um, always kill captain level shinigami in your spare time, or just because this was a special occasion?"

"Little girls have to be protected," Isshin replied firmly. "I have no idea what the man had planned for them, only that it included taking them away from my daughter."

"Daughter? Orihime isn't-"

"If you don't marry this girl soon, Ichigo, I'll never forgive you!"

"It's not that simple-"

"These girls need a father. It IS that simple!"

Ichigo sighed, suddenly wishing Zaraki had let him fight Aizen. Even that would've been easier than trying to win an argument against Kurosaki Isshin.

* * *

Aizen was not so much hurt as he was amused.

Certainly it had been a long time since his blood had been spilled, or in which he would've considered Zaraki a serious threat. Even now, the man was not really anywhere near Aizen's level.

But (and it was quite a big one), something was different this time.

Yachiru was there, and that was no surprise. Except that now she apparently knew how to unleash Zaraki's old sword (which begged the question of where the man's current sword had come from). This was quite bothersome, as every single time that Aizen seriously wounded Zaraki, Yachiru's sword would glow and spray him with jets of white foam, and Zaraki would jump up as if he'd never been hurt at all.

The boy was even worse, because at random moments, he would leap in and out of the battle, either combining his strength with Zaraki's, or attacking independently. Normally, this wouldn't have been a problem, except that the boy was easily stronger than Ichigo had been when Aizen first met him. Technically, that still wasn't a big problem, but it was never a good idea to turn your back on someone known for suddenly pulling massive amounts of strength out of thin air, no matter how strong you were.

And there was certainly no way that Aizen was turning his back on Zaraki, so he was quite distracted the entire time.

Zaraki was actually quite a bit stronger, but again, had he been alone, this would not have even been a challenge. But his helpers were ensuring that this battle would end on their terms. Aizen was starting to regret not bringing Ichimaru along. They'd been fighting for almost twenty minutes now, and since Tousen had not returned, he was either unconscious or dead. It didn't really matter which at this point.

Finally, Aizen had had enough. He blocked another slash from Zaraki, kicked the man away, and charged at Yachiru. Just as he'd expected, Zaraki and the boy leaped in front of her. Aizen just smiled eerily as he faded into nothingness. It was not a victory for his side, and he had lost a good man, but he had learned a great deal. That Zaraki was there at all had confirmed many of his own suspicions about the man, and the Seireitei as well. Next time, he would bring an army, and there would be nothing stopping him, for long.

* * *

When Orihime woke up, Ichigo was frowning down at her.

"Twins," was all he said.

"Aren't they beautiful?" she asked, grinning.

"TWINS," he said again.

"They have names, you know. Well, they will soon. I wanted to name one after your mother, but your father told me to ask you first."

Ichigo blinked, clearly not expecting that. "Um. Yeah, it's fine..."

"Only I thought I might have a boy and a girl, so I don't have another girl name picked out..."

"You could name her after Tatsuki, so she'll stop muttering curses whenever she sees me."

Orihime shook her head. "No, I want... oh! I just thought of a name I've always liked! And it's someone we know!"

"Who?" Ichigo asked warily.

She told him.

"NO."

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"Yes!"

"Orihime, you can't-"

"But it'll be so perfect! We can call her Ichi-chan, or even-"

"No, no, no! Do you have any idea what this will do to her ego?! She'll never let me live this down! And she'll be over here all the time teasing me about how we have a baby named after her! Absolutely not! There's no way I'm letting you name our kid that!"

A single tear slipped out of Orihime's right eye.

Ichigo paled. "Orihime, I didn't mean to yell at you, it's just-"

"You said 'our kid,' Ichigo. Did you mean it?" she whispered.

He blinked. "Well, yeah. You think I'd care what you named the kids if they weren't ours? You could call them Cheese and Crackers if they were anyone else's, as far as I'm concerned. But these are... they're my, I mean, our girls."

Orihime beamed at him. "Really? That's wonderful!"

"Yeah, it is," he agreed softly, reaching out and squeezing her hand gently.

Her smile widened. "But I'm still not changing her name."

Ichigo practically threw himself in her lap. "Orihime, you can't!"

"Sorry," she said pleasantly, not looking the least bit repentant as she lovingly ran her fingers through his hair.

* * *

Soifon was the first among the captains to agree that Ogichi deserved the title of Kenpachi. She had done so very reluctantly, having lost their duel when she slipped in a pool of her own blood and very nearly broke her neck. To add to her humiliation, Ogichi had been "nice" enough to carry her to the 4th Division, palming her ass the whole way. By the time they got there, they were covered in so many bruises that it took Captain Unohana several moments to recognize either one.

The other captains reluctantly agreed, as not one was willing to fight Ogichi or take the title themselves. This also presented a little problem, as only a captain could accept the title, so for three or four days, there were co-captains of the 11th Division. Ogichi thought that was rather stupid, because as far as he was concerned, he'd been captain exactly as long as Ichigo had been, but everyone else had been too stubborn to agree.

General Yamamoto decided to put the whole matter to rest once and for all. First, he ordered the creation a 14th Division, Human Resources (Rukia laughed over that one until she was red in the face), which Ichigo was to recruit and command from Karakura. Yachiru would remain his lieutenant, which made it easy for Hinamori to replace her in the 11th Division. General Yamamoto insisted that part of Ichigo's duties include spending at least ten hours at home every day. At first Ichigo didn't see the point, until Yamamoto went on to define home as "wherever a man and the mother of his twins decide to reside."

Ichigo was not amused, but Orihime was. She made sure to send Yamamoto a thank you note.

**End of Chapter 10.**

* * *

**Next Chapter: Two Bratty Mice**

In which Uryu attacks an arguably innocent child, Zaraki obtains a new shoulder ornament, and yet another crack pairing is born.

Endnotes:

koroshiya: professional killer; hit man

I spent a whole day reading a 28 page long forum thread on Royal Guard theories: who they are, how strong they and the king are. One theory was that they're all dead, which I loved. Because as lively as shinigami are, it's easy to forget that they are all technically dead, in a sense. But even they can die, so I assume the poster meant that second death, which only otherwordly beings like shinigami and Hollows experience. So yes, Zaraki is dead. But he's also on the Royal Guard. These guys are so secret that only some captains seem to know about them, and I can't see Soul Society letting all the past Kenpachi just, well, die. At the very least, I think most or all of them would end up in the Royal Guard, otherwise what's the point of them holding the title of Kenpachi? As for why there are so many of them, I just assumed that earning the title of the greatest swordsman in a generation also comes with a pretty high death rate, or at least so many challengers that the title changes hands more often than others would.

I know very little about Tousen. But he doesn't strike me as the kind of guy that would stab a woman without excellent reason, and if he did, he wouldn't enjoy it. But apparently the path with "less" bloodshed can include killing a few to save many, I suppose. Still, I would prefer to think that he's not too big a hypocrite.

This chapter inspired by Rapunzel, which stresses the importance of proper hair hygiene. Just think, if you're good to your hair, it can constantly support the weight of another human being. And that's always useful information.


	11. Two Bratty Mice, Happily Ever After?

Notes: The final chapter. It's been fun, and a bit weird. There's another Bleach fic trying to burrow its way out of my brain, but it isn't funny like this one, so I doubt it'll get posted at all. There's a sneak peak at the end to tease you with, though.

**Ichigo and the Beanstalk**

**A Bleach Fanfic by**

**Nate Grey (xman0123-at-aol-dot-com)**

**Part 11: Two Bratty Mice**

* * *

_Eight Years Later_…

Uryu was a gentleman, but for once in his life, he was seriously considering striking a small child. Not because she was Ichigo's daughter, or even because she insisted that a Quincy sounded like a small, flightless Australian bird with a brain smaller than a raisin.

No, it was because she always hit him first. And no one ever saw her do it!

Oh, how he hated that demon spawn. Even Ichigo had some tolerable moments, but not her. She was a beast, a ruffian, a twisted and evil... THING that needed to be put down, or destroyed in some way, repeatedly and mercilessly.

He should've known she'd be trouble, simply from her name. Why Orihime had insisted on that name, no one but Ichigo knew, and he was still touchy on the subject, despite how much he loved his girls. And as that particular girl had grown, she'd grown mean, and sneaky, and downright annoying... exactly like her namesake, in other words.

Even now, as he watched her playing oh so innocently with her twin, Uryu was not fooled. Orihime only asked him to baby-sit the orange-haired menaces because no one else ever would.

A few minutes later, the non-evil twin skipped over and latched onto his leg. "Ishi-san, can we have our cookies and milk now, please?"

He sighed. "Yes, Masaki-chan. You may each have two cookies and one glass of milk."

"Chocolate milk?" she asked hopefully.

"No," he said firmly. "Your mother was very specific about that."

Masaki pouted. "Please, Ishi-san?"

"I'm afraid not. Now go collect your... sister."

Only the sister wasn't there anymore... just as Uryu had suspected. He ran into the house, straight into a rapidly spreading puddle of chocolate milk and oatmeal raisin cookies (it had to be raisins, of course). Glaring, he pointed a single, trembling finger at the troublemaker, whose lips were dripping with chocolate milk. "YOU!"

A wicked grin split her face, and then she bolted, leaving him to slip and slide his way through the mess.

"YORUICHI!!!" he howled, chasing her upstairs and into her room. "Get back down there and clean up your mess!"

"Nyaaaaaaah!" she whined, sticking out her tongue. "You can't make me, Ishi-baka!"

For a moment, Uryu forgot himself, traces of violent blue energy collecting on his fingertips. Then a heavy hand came down on his shoulder.

"That wouldn't be an attack I sensed, would it?" asked a silky voice in his ear.

Uryu scowled and instantly released the energy in a harmless pulse. "Yoruichi-san."

The woman grinned (catlike, of course) and gestured to the child. "Come on, Ichi-chan. Today I'm going to show you how to catch rats."

"Yaaaaaay!" little Yoruichi squealed, zipping across the room and latching onto her namesake's back.

"And why," Uryu asked, "would she need to learn that?"

"In case a rat gets in," the elder Yoruichi replied. "Don't worry, I won't tell her how to eat them. She'll have to figure that out on her own."

"I'm calling Orihime," Uryu said at once.

"Go ahead. I'll tell her how you almost shot her child. Again."

"SHE STARTED IT!!!"

"Got any proof?" the elder Yoruichi asked, tossing the giggling child high into the air, and catching her neatly on one hip. "Didn't think so."

Uryu watched helplessly as both Yoruichi left the room (the little one stuck her tongue out at him again along the way), and was still standing there when Ichigo's other daughter poked her head in.

"Um, do I have to clean up the mess downstairs? It's spreading..."

"No, Masaki-chan. I'll do it," Uryu muttered.

"I'll help!"

"I would appreciate it."

They walked downstairs together, only to find that the "rats" the elder Yoruichi had referred to were actually oranges, and little Yoruichi was having the time of her life, sliding through the chocolate milk puddle and slamming into furniture while trying to snatch up the oranges as she went zooming past.

"You have to be faster than that, Ichi-chan! Those rats won't hold still when they see you coming!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Uryu howled.

The elder Yoruichi glanced at him. "Told you. Catching rats."

"IN CHOCOLATE MILK?!"

She shrugged. "Well, it would attract them. In theory."

"Oh, that's IT!" Uryu grabbed the phone and started dialing. He tried to ignore the particularly loud crash behind him when someone finally picked up on the other end.

"Yes?" murmured a curiously hazy voice that might have belonged to Orihime, that is if she'd been sniffing paint again.

"Orihime? Yoruichi is slamming your daughter into furniture. Again!"

There was a slight giggle. "Stop that, Ichigo! I'm on the phone!"

Uryu coughed, loudly and falsely. "But if I'm interrupting something more important than the safety of your daughters..."

"No, no. Um, tell Yoruichi-san that we'll be home in half an hour."

"I do hope you plan to shower first?"

"Wouldn't be a good idea. Those take me forever now, you know, since Ichigo can't keep his hands to himself in enclosed spaces, so-"

"I'm hanging up now," Uryu growled, slamming the phone down.

"They were doing it, weren't they?" the elder Yoruichi asked with that same catlike grin.

"Oh, shut up," Uryu grumbled, just as the smaller Yoruichi crashed into an expensive-looking lamp.

* * *

"I almost feel guilty, leaving him alone with the girls," Ichigo sighed, yawning loudly.

"Well, he said if I ever needed anything once they were born," Orihime pointed out, snuggling against his shoulder. She had always liked his shoulders. Maybe because they looked better when they were as bare as she currently was, but that wasn't really important.

What was important was that any minute now, Karin could come in without knocking, again, and catch them having sex in Ichigo's room. Well, she'd catch the evidence that they'd had sex, assuming Ichigo was as tired as he seemed.

Ichigo had been a little weird about having sex with her again, at first. He kept asking if she was sure, and Orihime had finally just shoved her tongue into his mouth out of frustration. That had been the end of Ichigo's resistance. He still didn't like the fact that Orihime had shown no interest in marriage, but he had gotten her to agree to them being exclusive. So even if Orihime wasn't his wife, she was still technically his, and that was enough to keep Isshin from whining about a wedding (but not from humming "Here Comes the Bride" each time he saw Orihime).

They were also being very careful not to have any other children. It wasn't that big a deal if birth control ever failed, but they'd both agreed that having two Yoruichi running loose was pressing their luck as it was. And Orihime was leaning towards Zaraki for a name if they ever had a boy, so Ichigo in particular was very careful about not getting her pregnant.

Neither of them was quite so devoted to the idea that they stopped having sex regularly, though. Orihime enjoyed it far too much to stop, and Ichigo wasn't exactly refusing her advances anymore. He still wasn't in love with Orihime, but he could no longer safely say he didn't love her at all. At the least, she was the mother of his children, and at the most, only Orihime could unknowingly smile at him in a way that made him feel both invincible and powerless at the same time.

It was Uryu who had finally given definition to Ichigo's feelings of attachment to Orihime. "You're completely devoted to her, Ichigo. I believe the modern terminology is, 'You're whipped, wussy man.'" And Ichigo couldn't even get mad, as he knew for a fact that Uryu had learned the phrase from little Yoruichi (who had no doubt learned it from big Yoruichi).

Whatever he was, Ichigo was content. Yachiru practically ran the 14th Division by herself now, though she got plenty of help from the task force that Yamamoto had appointed. Most of the task force was made up of lieutenants from other Divisions, so they constantly rotated in order to prevent anyone from being away from their Division for too long. That was both a blessing and a curse, because Ichigo never knew when Rukia or Renji might drop in unannounced. But from what he'd heard, those two had managed to keep pretty busy.

* * *

"I'm really impressed, Hinamori," Rukia whispered to the younger woman. "Exactly how did you get Ogichi to agree to this triple date?"

Hinamori grinned at her. "It was easy. I told him that Renji called him a chicken."

Rukia blinked and glanced down the table at Ogichi, who was calmly sipping from a mug of hot tea and not bothering anyone. "He's taking it rather well."

"Oh, he's boiling on the inside. And as soon as he gets Renji alone, I doubt we'll see either one again until they've thoroughly beaten the crap out of each other. It should give me some time to do some shopping, actually. Interested?"

"Sure, but aren't you even a little worried?"

Hinamori shook her head. "Nope. Ogicihi knows how hard it is to replace tough challengers, so he won't kill anyone that's worth fighting. And Renji probably would insult him eventually, so it all works out."

"It's really disturbing, how much thought you've put into this," Rukia noted.

"Trust me, things would be a lot worse if I didn't." Hinamori paused and glanced down towards the end of the table herself. "Now, explain to me again: WHY are Renji and Ururu dating? And why is everyone okay with it?"

Rukia grinned. "It's the weirdest thing! Apparently, she's older than him, and I don't just mean in terms of maturity. She just ages really well, for some reason. Maybe it's all those pure thoughts."

"You're kidding, right?"

"If the rumors are true, she's got stretch marks older than Renji."

"EW!" Hinamori squealed, drawing a laugh from Rukia.

"I'm just telling you what I heard. But I think she's good for him, and I'm glad she found someone. That breakup with Jinta was really ugly."

Hinamori sighed heavily. "Well, it wasn't entirely his fault. If he hadn't walked in on Rangiku in the baths, he'd still be with poor Ururu."

"I still say he was an idiot for breaking up with Ururu when he never even had a chance with Rangiku. And when Rangiku did find out, she had him transferred to her Division, and then demoted him to the lowest possible rank. I think she called it 'negative infinity seat' or something like that. The last I saw of him, he was cleaning the mess hall with his own toothbrush. Even worse, I think Rangiku still makes him use it on his teeth afterwards."

"Sounds like something she'd do," Hinamori agreed. "So what's new with you and Nemu? Any plans to take things further?"

Rukia shook her head. "We haven't really discussed it. Nemu seems to like where we are now just fine, and I don't have any complaints. She's made it clear that I'm the only one for her, and that's already more than I've ever gotten from anyone else. I don't know know that things like marriage really matter to her, or if she even understands them. I can't imagine that Captain Kurotsuchi would ever bother explaining such topics to her."

* * *

Orihime was very fortunate in that her daughters inherited her rather odd taste buds: they would eat virtually anything, so long as it was smothered in whipped cream or drowning in melted cheese. Meals in their home were less about cooking, and, in Ichigo's view, hoping that anything that wasn't moving had been killed long before it reached their house, instead of by whatever Orihime had done to it afterwards.

The girls never complained, and Ichigo loved Orihime far too much to ever tell her a second time that her cooking was slightly more dangerous than trying to fight Aizen with a rubber chicken.

So Orihime continued to cook every week as if it were perfectly safe, choosing to ignore that all invitations to dine at their house were either firmly or fearfully refused.

If asked why she insisted on cooking, Orihime would admit that there were three reasons.

The first was that her children genuinely enjoyed her food, and that was a VERY rare thing.

The second was that it became increasingly easy to drive off unwanted visitors, simply by always having something bubbling or smoking in the kitchen.

The third was that once every month, Ichigo would dump the girls on someone, take Orihime to a fancy restaurant and let her order whatever she wanted. This would be followed by movies, dancing, lovemaking, and anything else that she might want... all so she wouldn't be able to cook for at least one night.

It was almost a year before Yuzu finally pulled Ichigo aside and pointed out that maybe the reason Orihime cooked almost every night was because she secretly hoped that he would take her out on those nights, as well. Orihime denied this, but she always dropped her plans instantly if Ichigo even implied that they might be going out.

Karin thought they were both insane, and firmly believed that they had each pissed off someone important in order to deserve each other.

* * *

In retrospect, Captain Hitsugaya should've known better than to trust his former lieutenant. But somehow, when Matsumoto smiled at him and promised that everything would be fine, he just conveniently forgot most of the wrong she'd done by him.

It was bad enough that Hitsugaya had to share his first date with Kiyone with anyone. Already he'd been awkward and sweaty for nearly a week prior to the date.

But if he'd known then that he would find himself having that first date while Captain Unohana, Captain Komamura, Hanataro, and Matsumoto (even in his mind, he stubbornly refused to associate her with her proper title) looked on smugly, he would've just talked Kiyone into a quiet night of tea shared over paperwork in his office.

On the other hand, Hitsugaya was still amazed that Kiyone hadn't fled the moment she realized they wouldn't be alone together. Either she was already too embarrassed to run away, or she just really, really wanted to date him.

He also had to give Matsumoto credit: he never would've thought of mini-golf as a good first date. It was lucky that she'd played a few rounds with Chad and Ururu in the past, but her game hadn't improved at all. Hitsugaya found he was a natural golfer, as was Unohana. Hanataro was horrible, and Kiyone could get the ball into the hole, just not consistently. Komamura was a bit harder to place: when his swings didn't total the course itself, he generally hit the ball with such force that, so long as the ball landed within twenty feet of the hole, the resulting crater swallowed up the hole, and was therefore, technically, a hole in one.

Hitsugaya, Unohana, and Komamura ended up with the best scores, and Matsumoto, somewhat sore about placing only above Hanataro, suggested that the men treat someone else's date to ice cream. Hitsugaya quickly offered to buy Unohana's ice cream, correctly assuming that she would eat far less than Matsumoto, who left a considerable dent in Komamura's funds. Hanataro got a free pass, because when Kiyone saw Unohana thank Hitsugaya with a chaste kiss on the cheek, she lost her appetite and was gloomy for the rest of the night.

Consequently, it was simultaneously the best and worst date that Hitsugaya had ever been on.

Inexplicably, on their next date, Kiyone simply dragged him into her room, and they stayed there until one of them recalled that food and water would be needed at some point.

* * *

Zaraki had taken something of a leave of absence from the Royal Guard. They'd made quite a stink over that, at first. But then he'd made them aware of something.

"There's a kid walking around with about half of my original spiritual pressure. Do you REALLY want him to go any longer without some proper training?"

Needless to say, they saw his point.

The only kid Zaraki had ever been any good with was Yachiru, but Kouryou was easy enough to handle. He did what Zaraki told him eagerly and without complaint, and was content to take Yachiru's old place on Zaraki's shoulder whenever she wasn't present.

There was no one set place that they trained in, although they occasionally made their way to Urahara's shop, just to bust up the place a bit. Ichigo insisted it was tradition, but Urahara clearly didn't share that opinion: he usually had to draw Benihime to get them to leave, and that was often more likely to make them stay longer in hopes of a good fight.

Kouryou was considered a master swordsman by the time he was twelve, and was well on his way to becoming the next Kenpachi at sixteen. Though he was hardly ever there, he was given the 3rd Seat in Ichigo's Division, more because he always chickened out whenever Yachiru challenged him to a fight.

At home, though, he was just Kou-kun, the older brother who was gentle enough to comfort Masaki when she cried, and tough enough to wrestle their sister Yoruichi into submission whenever she got too rowdy (which was roughly every other day).

* * *

"Alright, you worthless maggots!" Yachiru yelled as she marched in front of the 14th Division's newest recruits. "I am Lieutenant Kusajishi, and as of right now, all of your butts belong to me! That means I get to kick or swat them whenever I feel like it, and I promise that none of you will enjoy it!"

"You know," Tatsuki whispered to Chad, "I think she's enjoying this a little too much."

"Quiet," Chad whispered back. "Here comes the good part."

"Now," Yachiru said calmly, "who here thinks they can beat me up?"

Several cocky young men stepped out of the line.

Less then a minute later, all of them were quivering on the ground, while Yachiru dusted off her hands and called for someone to mop up the urine.

"Okay, let's start with something simple. Everybody run laps until I get tired. MOVE!"

The new recruits practically fell over themselves in their hurry to get started, and Yachiru yawned cutely before noticing that she was being watched. "What? I barely even touched them this time!"

"We didn't say anything," Tatsuki reminded her. "I'm impressed, actually. But doesn't it bother you? You've basically got them peeing on command now. They're like puppies."

"Puppies are nice," Yachiru said fondly, "but kitties are better. They're smarter."

"That's not really the point."

Yachiru blinked. "Really? What was it, then?"

Tatsuki sighed heavily. "Forget it."

* * *

Ichigo was disgusted to find that, one day, without warning, he'd become his father.

Suddenly, his shirts were just approaching outlandish, he had the strangest urge to take naps in the middle of the day, and several times he caught himself bursting into song about how cute his daughters were. Masaki would sing along, but little Yoruichi would just stare, hard, and ask to sleep over at Karin's, since Karin banned all singing in HER apartment.

But Ichigo came to accept these occurrences as natural, for a Kurosaki male. For one thing, he'd survived growing up with his father more or less intact.

For another, whenever he did take a nap, he always woke up with two extra little bodies attached to him, so he had to be doing something right. The downside was that for being so little, his girls had inherited his strength, and no one but Orihime could pry them off.

It was never quite that simple, though.

Ichigo would wake up and hiss, "Orihime, they're ON me again!"

Orihime would reply with something like, "And? It's fun being on you. I would know."

To which Ichigo would blush and growl, "ORIHIME!"

And since Orihime had gotten rather used to Ichigo only saying her name with love and devotion in his voice, she would get annoyed and snap, "Do you really have a problem waking up with two angels attached to you?"

"In a word? YES!" Ichigo would answer.

"Fine! Then try it with three!" And then Orihime would add herself to the pile, and Ichigo would be stuck for at least another two hours.

* * *

Kon had been inconsolable upon Yukinko's death.

The whole process lasted maybe a minute.

Then Yukinko's spirit stood up, smiled at him, and said, "Let's get you out of that dusty old thing, Kon-chan."

She'd made him a new body on the spot, out of the fresh snow that had begun to fall the moment she drew breath again (never mind the fact that they were still indoors). And when she transferred his soul, Kon felt something click, and knew that this would remain his body for as long as he existed in this life.

Kon could have mentioned that he would've preferred a human body. He could've asked why her shinigami robes were white instead of the expected black. He was even tempted to point out that, while a snow-white lion's body was a nice fit, she could've left out the huge Quincy cross on the back of his head. But when she scratched him there, all he could do was purr loudly and rub against her legs.

"It's kind of stuffy in here," she said next, moving towards the door. "Let's go outside."

Kon felt the need to stay. Pervert though he was, he was loyal, and it didn't feel right to just leave her body sitting there for someone to find. Why, someone could come along and cop a feel! Mind you, someone like him, but even Kon wouldn't fondle the dead. It wasn't fun or challenging, for one thing, and part of him enjoyed the chase.

But then Yukinko made a whistling noise and cooed, "Walkies!"

Kon was moving so fast that he nearly banged into the doorframe in his hurry to return to her side. He was rewarded with another scratch, and then they calmly walked past the nurses, who of course took no notice of them. With every step, Yukinko's enormous spiritual pressure seemed to flex itself, as if testing the waters, and Kon wondered if she, too, had benefited from living so close to Ichigo.

Yukinko had no definite destination in mind, so they just walked the darkened streets for a few hours. They ran into a Hollow along the way, and before Kon could even think to defend his mistress, she pointed and commanded, "Bite, Kon-chan!" And the next thing Kon knew, the Hollow was screaming as he tore out its throat.

Kon realized very quickly that Yukinko had complete control over snow, which included his new body. And it wasn't that he minded obeying her, but the choice was totally taken out of his hands, and now he was mindlessly obeying. In the long run, that was probably a good thing, because it meant there was no real need to punish Kon if he got caught drooling at her breasts; she could just force him to look away.

Their outing was interrupted, quite rudely, when someone shouted, "What do you think you're doing out here, Smiley McWhite Hair?! You're late for the midnight sparring session!"

Kon did his very best to hide behind Yukinko. Yachiru had a habit of picking up and mercilessly squeezing things she found cute, and his former body was firmly on that list. It didn't help that she'd grown slightly over years, in both height and spiritual pressure.

Yukinko didn't seem to recognize the danger. "Oh, Yachiru! I'm afraid we got lost. Do you think you could overlook it just this once?"

Yachiru eyed the white gumball that suddenly appeared in Yukinko's hand. "Well... just this one time," she agreed, snatching the candy and pocketing it. "Grab your kitty and let's go. And it's Lieutenant Kusajishi from now on."

"More like pink tyrant," Kon muttered under his breath.

"Gumball Kido 48: Red Hot Death!" Yachiru shouted.

Kon screeched as a flaming gumball flew from Yachiru's hand and zipped past his face, burning off most of his whiskers.

"Bad kitty! No back talk!" Yachiru snapped, narrowing her eyes.

Kon's eyes teared up, and he gazed at his mistress pleadingly.

But Yukinko just shook her head and scratched his ear. "Behave, Kon-chan."

Kon had no choice but to do just that, but still managed to seethe when Yachiru shot him a triumphant smirk.

* * *

As a rule, Ichigo was largely excused from most Captains' meetings. It was just too much trouble to constantly travel to Soul Society the "proper" way, and he always got yelled at any time he or Kouryou simply ripped their way in. Instead, the Kido Corps and the 12th Division put their collective heads together and came up with a new breed of Hell Butterflies that delivered messages solely to the 14th Division. Through some mysterious process, samples of Ichigo's spiritual pressure were transformed into orange, moth-like bugs, which could burn their way through just about anything with their tiny, fiery auras. They were inexplicably attracted to Ichigo's hair, and insisted on landing on his head no matter what he did. Failing that, they would circle Yachiru while she blew bubbles at them, at least until someone reminded her that they hadn't come simply to play with her.

But when Ichigo did finally return to the Soul Society, it was for a good cause: Rukia and Nemu's wedding. Actually, it was more like a very large social gathering, in which two young women just happened to forever entwine their lives. Rukia didn't want to make a big deal out of it, and Nemu didn't care one way or the other, so only ten minutes were devoted to the actual ceremony. The party simply dragged on for five or six hours afterward.

Oddly enough, Rukia asked Uryu to be her "man of honor" (she hadn't forgotten the lovely haori he'd made for Ichigo), and he was delighted to help out. That is, until he showed up with Femu on his arm, only to find that practically EVERYONE was accompanied by a Nemu clone as well. Then he felt a bit silly. But, as Ichigo loudly pointed out, at least it was obvious that he wasn't gay anymore. Uryu briefly considered getting into a fight over the fact that he had NEVER been gay, but declined in favor of simply noting that at least Femu had never been questioned about releasing a plague of biblical proportions upon the free world. Ichigo had nearly asked what he meant, but little Yoruichi chose that moment to race past dragging a large rum keg, giggling madly while half of the 11th Division chased her. Ichigo swallowed his pride and simply wished Uryu and Femu a long and happy life together. He also lectured Uryu on the wisdom of birth control, and, failing that, the proper naming of children... but only while Orihime was busy dancing with Jidanbo (or at least making a spirited attempt at it, physically impossible as it was).

Captain Kurotsuchi declined to attend. Frankly, he was still puzzled as to why the "clone" that Rukia was marrying hadn't obeyed his order to call the wedding off. He was convinced that there had to be some flaw in its design (that HE wasn't responsible for), but for the life of him, he couldn't figure out what it might be.

* * *

_Epilogue: And They Lived Happily?_

Ichigo had never been the romantic sort, but he honestly did try, and that was usually enough for Orihime. But he would occasionally do something completely un-Ichigo-like, just for her, and those gestures were usually her favorites.

With Kouryou traveling so much with Zaraki, and Ichigo regularly conning others into watching the girls, the family was rarely all together at once. The only constant exception was Ichigo's mother's birthday, when they all went down to the cemetery. Even little Yoruichi was subdued on those days, and would cling to Kouryou's hand so tightly that she could easily be mistaken for her sister.

Orihime always asked for a little time alone with the late Masaki. She would ask Ichigo's mother to watch over the girls. Though it wasn't necessary to hide it, she somehow thought that Ichigo would think she was being silly. She just felt that way, despite the fact that Ichigo liked that Orihime wanted to pay her respects, and never gave her a hard time about it.

It was during one of those trips that little Masaki wandered over and tugged on Orihime's hand.

"Not now, sweetie," Orihime said gently. "I'm talking to Grandma."

"Daddy says that Grandma says you talk too much, Mommy," Masaki replied.

Orihime simply stared at her, not sure whether to frown or smile.

"Daddy says that if you want Grandma to keep listening to you, you should wear this from now on."

Orihime knew what she would see when she looked at Masaki's outstretched hands, but somehow, the diamond ring seemed even brighter, simply because her daughter was offering it to her.

"You should wear it, Mommy," Masaki said softly. "I think Grandma would like that. Kou-kun can keep his old name if he wants, but me and Ichi-chan want to be Kurosakis. Don't you?"

Before Orihime could respond, there was a loud snap, and she turned to see Ichigo, both Yoruichi, Kouryou, Yachiru, Karin, Yuzu, Femu, and Isshin tumble out of the bushes where they'd obviously been spying on her.

"Just put on the ring so we don't have to sneak around like idiots anymore," Karin sighed.

"We really want you to become part of our family, Orihime," Yuzu pleaded. "Officially, anyway."

Ichigo eventually managed to extract himself from the bottom of the pile (although not from Yachiru, who seemed to be attached to his shoulder) and slowly approached Orihime, who had gone back to staring at the ring Masaki was holding.

"Look, Orihime. I'm sure you could come up of plenty of reasons not to marry me. But none of them are going to change the fact that we love each other. And I have to say, for someone that's usually so considerate of everyone, it's pretty inconsiderate of you to keep saying no to me. That sort of thing starts to hurt a guy's feelings after a while. So what's it going to take to make you change your mind? Whatever it is, I'll do it. But we're not leaving here until you say yes, and if you don't believe me, there's camping gear in the car."

"You just want to get married in front of your mother, don't you?" Orihime asked softly.

"It'd be nice," was all Ichigo would admit to. "You're not going to make me beg, are you?"

Orihime slowly took the ring from Masaki. "Do we have someone to perform the ceremony?"

Ichigo's face fell. "Um… no?"

She couldn't help smiling at him. "Then you'll have to find someone quickly."

"I can do it!" Yachiru said loudly.

Ichigo sighed. "I appreciate that, but-"

"No, I really can! Captains can do stuff like that!"

"Um, you're not-"

Yachiru rolled her eyes. "Dummy, I KNOW that! But I'm acting in my Captain's place, so I've got all the same powers! So if I say you're married, you are!"

Orihime looked at big Yoruichi. "Is that true?"

Yoruichi shrugged. "Who knows? What matters is, is it good enough for you?"

Orihime thought about that for a moment. "Yes, it is."

"Okay!" Yachiru pointed at Orihime. "You took too long to say yes, so you'd better not back out, ever!"

Orihime blinked. "I won't."

"Great, you're married, now kiss her, Ichi-kun!"

"But-"

"Kiss!"

"That wasn't-"

"KISS!!!" everyone but Ichigo and Orihime shouted.

Orihime giggled. "I think you're out-voted, Ichigo. Better do what they say."

Shaking his head, Ichigo leaned in to kiss her. "I just hope you're not marrying me for my body."

"Why would I do that? Your body's been my property for years now, and I can have it whenever I like."

"Like tonight?"

"Exactly."

* * *

Renji awoke with a wide yawn, scratching himself absently as a soft giggle reached his ears. He looked down the length of the bed to find Ururu watching him, a healthy blush staining her cheeks. "What are you staring at?" he asked, smirking.

"Just my hunky guy," Ururu murmured, looking down shyly.

Renji couldn't help the grin that split his face. Ururu was just so adorable, it was a wonder no one else had snatched her up after Jinta. Well, there was her under aged appearance, but Renji knew it was just that and nothing more. Frankly, she'd forgotten more about sex than he'd ever known in the first place. And they hadn't even gotten past second base yet!

"Why don't you come over here so I can really give you something to smile about?" he invited.

Ururu giggled softly and shook her head. "Maybe later. I want to share something with you first."

He grinned wickedly. "Well, I want to share something with you, too, but it's hard to do from over here."

"I'm serious, Renji-kun. I haven't been completely honest with you, and I want to be, because you're very special to me."

Renji paused, sensing she was serious. "Okay, I'm listening, Ururu-chan. What is it?"

"I'm really scared that you'll be angry, but you deserve to know the truth, before we go any farther in this." With that, Ururu reached into her pocket and easily drew out her multi-barreled gun. Thankfully, she made no move to point it at him, although he was even more alarmed when she turned it on herself.

"Ururu-chan," Renji whispered fearfully, "what the hell are you doing?"

"Don't worry. I'm showing you the true form of my zanpakuto."

He blinked slowly. "But you don't have a-"

"Take aim, Kanbishita," Ururu said softly, squeezing the trigger.

An unearthly white light surrounded both Ururu and the gun, and Renji could only stare in shock as the gun rapidly became a gleaming sword with a snow-white guard. But as Ururu took the sword into her hands, she began to change as well. Her body grew taller and filled out into womanly curves, and her youthful face matured before his eyes, aging quickly but gracefully over the course of a few seconds.

Renji would later swear his heart stopped, not because Ururu had become another person entirely, but because that person was extremely familiar to him.

"Rukia?" he whispered in disbelief.

The woman smiled gently, the simple act emphasizing the lines of age in her face. "No, Renji-kun."

He knew then, although he still didn't want to believe it. "Hisana-sama?!"

"There's no need to address me that way-"

"There is EVERY need! You... you're Captain Kuchiki's wife!"

"No longer," Hisana sighed, shaking her head. "That part of my existence is over. Do you really think I'd be seeing anyone else otherwise?"

Renji considered that, and supposed that she was correct. "But you're still Rukia's sister!"

"I'd like to think so. But the same truth applies there, as well: that part of my life is over. I can no more be Rukia's older sister than you can be her boyfriend. It doesn't stop me from caring about her and Bya-kun, but I can't be a part of their lives. Not as Kuchiki Hisana, anyway."

"Then... Ururu was all a lie?" Renji asked, surprised to feel his heart sinking into despair. He could admit it now, but part of him had truly felt love for the girl.

"No," Hisana replied. "Ururu is the form that I found myself in, when I returned to the world of the living. I only regained the memories of my past life after I started working for Urahara and saw Benihime. But Ururu is still a part of me, even now: the best part of me, untainted by illness and experience. Whatever you felt for her, I ask you not to cast it aside so easily, Renji-kun. There is still a place for you in my heart."

He frowned. "How? I thought you only liked girls."

"Well, initially, that was true. But I've had a second lifetime to revise and relax my opinions on certain things. Perhaps that is more Ururu's choice than my own."

"So now you like guys, too?"

Hisana smiled. "Not really, no. Before, I didn't mind if they watched when I was with a girl. Now, I actually kind of enjoy it."

"Oh." Renji wasn't sure how to feel about that, though part of him was giggling madly. "So, uh, does this mean we can't see each other anymore?"

"I'm glad you asked," Hisana grinned, clapping her hands.

His eyes widened as a Nemu clone walked in, carrying a tray of what were obviously massage oils. "Uh, wait a minute..."

"Oh, I'd really rather not. It's been a while." And with that, Hisana turned to the Nemu clone and ripped off her clothes in one quick motion.

Renji's first instinct was to turn away. Shortly afterwards, however, he just wished he'd brought popcorn...

**The End.**

* * *

Endnotes:

kanbishita: perfect; fully-equipped; complete

Here's a teaser of the Bleach fic that may never be. The basic idea is that instead of losing just his mother, Ichigo loses his entire family in a car accident (they run into Grand Fisher, literally). The sight of his sisters being eaten alive awakens Ichigo's Hollow powers, which he uses to defeat Grand Fisher and subconsciously draw Yuzu and Karin back to him, as Hollows. Ichigo never awakens his shinigami powers, his Hollow powers grow unchecked, and he continues to attract and absorb Hollows, to the point where Soul Society considers him and his sisters a significant threat, and sends Rukia and Orihime to destroy him (they have experience with Hollows stealing bodies, which is assumed to be the case here, since Ichigo appears human most of the time). Chad, Tatsuki, and Uryu side with Ichigo since they know his past (and are part Hollow themselves through association with him). Beyond that, um, I'm still thinking on it...

* * *

Alone in his room, Ichigo sat down on the windowsill and closed his eyes, pressing his face against the cool glass. He could hear Uryu and Tatsuki downstairs, their voices raised. Probably they'd gotten into yet another argument about something petty. Chad would no doubt settle the dispute as only he could. Sure enough, a loud thump followed, and then there was silence.

Ichigo smiled faintly, and when he opened his eyes, his little sister's face was hovering just inches from his own.

The sight never failed to remind him of how different she looked now, because Yuzu had always been the baby of the family. Her eyes seemed larger now, and a bit sunken in, as if her true face were concealed beneath a human-like mask. Anyone else might be disgusted, but to Ichigo, she was as adorable as the day she'd come home from the hospital.

"Hey, Yuzu-chan," he said calmly, watching as she settled on his leg and cuddled against his chest. For some reason, she and Karin were all about physical contact now. There was always a certain chill around them, and Ichigo knew on some level that this was because they no longer gave off body heat. He had plenty to spare, so it didn't bother him at all.

"Hi, Ichi-nee," she murmured softly, clutching at his chest.

"Where's Karin?"

"Sleeping," Yuzu replied simply.

It was one of those evasive answers that Ichigo never bothered to question. He assumed that there were some things about the undead that the living just weren't ever meant to know. Otherwise, he was certain Yuzu wouldn't have kept the information from him. After all, if they couldn't trust him, who else was there?

"You guys felt it, too?" he guessed. Karin was not the type to be overly emotional, but she only strayed from Yuzu's side now when building up her strength for something major.

Yuzu nodded into his chest. "Something's coming. Coming for you, Ichi-nee. Or maybe for me and Karin." She clutched him a little tighter. "You won't let it separate us, will you?"

"Don't be silly," Ichigo replied, wrapping his arms around her and resting his chin on her head. "It'll be the three of us, forever. I promised you that, remember?"

"Sometimes I forget," Yuzu admitted softly. "Like when I'm scared. Or if Karin isn't there to remind me."

"Why don't you stay here tonight, so you don't forget?" he offered. Honestly, it was more because he didn't want her to leave. Even if she was already dead, and he had already failed in his duty to protect her, Ichigo was unable to just turn off the brotherly instinct to never let Yuzu out of his sight for long. Aside from that, he genuinely missed her and Karin sleeping down the hall from him, even if that was now Tatsuki's room.

"Your friends won't mind?"

"They wouldn't be my friends if they did," Ichigo replied firmly. In a softer tone, he added, "Please stay, Yuzu-chan. I don't want you to go."

Yuzu looked as if she didn't want to leave, either, but she finally shook her head. "I'm sorry, Ichi-nee. But I have to go get Karin first. I promise I'll bring her back with me, though. She shouldn't be by herself for too long."

He nodded, knowing what she was thinking. Karin had been growing more and more aggressive, even with Yuzu's calming influence. It was something neither of them could explain, but Ichigo thought he knew more about what was happening to Karin. The same thing had happened to him, after all, except he was still alive. Sometimes, that worried him more than he cared to admit.

"Hurry back," Ichigo sighed, giving Yuzu a final squeeze.

"I will," she promised, pressing her cool, soft lips against his chin in a tender kiss. Then she simply faded right before his eyes, her slight weight vanishing from his knee.

Ichigo closed his eyes tightly, counted to ten, and looked at the window again.

He was not at all surprised to see that half of his face was hidden in shadow, with one beady, golden eye glaring back at him. That was happening more and more often, especially when his sisters were around. Ichigo still had no idea if it was really there, as it only showed up in reflective surfaces, and none of his friends had ever commented on it.

"You shouldn't have let her go," the dark half hissed at him. "The shinigami are coming, and they won't care that she's your baby sister. All they'll see is a Hollow, and then they'll kill what's left of her soul."

"That won't happen," Ichigo swore angrily. "I won't let it."

"Yeah," the dark half said in an approving tone that was almost a purr. "That's what I like to hear. We'll take care of them, just like we did the last freak that threatened what was ours. But this time, the only deaths will be on their side. Because you need to kill them. It's the only way we'll get strong enough to protect the girls, and stop them from changing. You have to be the top dog. That's all there is to it."

"Whatever it takes to keep them safe and with me," Ichigo agreed, clenching his fists. "Just tell me what I need to do to kill these... shinigami."

"Oh, that part's easy," the dark half chuckled. "They're not so different from the everyday Hollows you've dealt with, except they'll be stronger and faster. Plus they'll look human, but don't let that throw you. What they can do to your sisters is so much worse than what a Hollow could..."

Ichigo narrowed his eyes as his reflection return to normal. He stormed out of his bedroom, taking the steps two at a time. He very nearly ran into Chad, who was on his way up.

"Get the others. We're going hunting tonight."

Chad blinked, the only sign that he instantly agreed. "More Hollows?" he asked absently.

"No," Ichigo replied, his eyes glinting with malice. "Better."

* * *


End file.
